Sage of Hearts

Disclaimer: I certainly don't own Naruto, Disney or any of its affiliated properties. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this now would I?

"The connection of our hearts…" : Speech (Bold for yelling ,Bijuu, or massive creatures)

'The connection of our hearts…' : Thought

Tulgey Wood, entrance to the maze…

Now that the Cheshire Cat had revealed a path into the Queen's castle, Alice and Naruto were quick to use it, finding that the winding path actually led into a relatively tame hedge maze and not the labyrinth Naruto was half expecting. After about ten minutes of casual sightseeing, the duo found themselves in a beautiful garden filled to the brim with white rose trees.

"Damn! Someone sure likes roses huh? This garden is almost exclusively devoted to these flowers. I remember Snow saying something about how the white ones were harder to grow…" Naruto said as he watched Alice gush over the flowers (she was a conventional young girl after all…). After a few minutes of admiring the horticulture, they came upon an interesting sight – a trio of humanoid playing cards feverishly painting all the roses on a bush red.

'Why go to the trouble of cultivating a rare breed of roses only to paint them to look like their more commonplace cousin?? This queen is not just crazy, she's dumb too!' Naruto deadpanned as Alice walked over to the cards to ask them just what they were doing.

"Excuse me? Why are you painting these roses red? They look beautiful as they are!"Alice said as the cards turned to her and began to speak as one.

"Oh hello there little girl and fox! We are on an urgent quest to fix a mistake we committed – the queen wanted red roses planted in her garden but as you can see, we planted the wrong flowers!" The cards said as Naruto looked at them with a hanging jaw for a second before grumbling in exasperation.

"Pretty big mistake there! You planted an entire forest's worth of white roses here! Let me guess, you are painting them red to try and fool your queen?" He said as the cards grinned and nodded at him (looking quite smug with their perceived ingenuity to boot).

"Correct my vulpine friend! You see, we can't replant a whole garden but we can repaint it! Quite a clever solution if we do say so!" The cards said as they danced a merry jig before hurriedly painting the flowers again, Alice giggling at their silliness the entire time.

"Alright, but allow the both of us to lend you cards a hand. With Naruto here, we can finish this task in a jiffy!" Alice said as she looked at Naruto meaningfully, who simply nodded at her before summoning thirty clones who took a bucket and brush each before scattering throughout the garden to paint the roses red.

This would have been the perfect solution to the cards problems but as was wont to happen by now, the Queen and her entourage decided to make an appearance before Alice and the cards could start working (Naruto was one speedy cracker – he already painted a fourth of the garden in the blink of an eye thanks to the wonders of Kage Bunshin and chakra enhanced speed. The garden wasn't too big when one could multiply into a literal army).

"What is this tomfoolery?! I recall I specifically asked for red roses! You bumbling fools have disappointed your queen for the last time! Now answer me-who is to blame for this mess. Be snappy about it or it's off with your heads!" The Queen of Hearts said as the card gardeners quailed at the sight of their reigning monarch, her husband and a whole battalion of card spearmen. The queen was a portly lady who didn't really have any womanly traits to talk about – she looked like a man wearing a wig and makeup. Her king on the other hand looked like he could be her kid though – he was one short man and was a gentler fellow than his dragon lady wife (he even pointed out Naruto's actions to the queen, which mollified her somewhat).

"It was his fault!"

"No, it was his!"

"I disagree – it was his mistake my queen!"

The cards ended up squabbling over who to blame for their shared mistake and predictably, the queen was quick to lose her patience.

"Enough of this! Off with their heads – all of them! Guards – take them away!" The queen said as Alice and the king turned to her to try and appeal to her good nature(heh…) to try and spare them.

"Your majesty, please reconsider – isn't it too harsh to sentence your gardeners to death over something easily fixed? If you find the white roses not to your liking, just take a look at my fox companion over there (Naruto had ignored the spectacle before him in favor of completing his task, which he did in the middle of the cards' blame fest) – he has already changed the garden to fit your desires." Alice said as the king nodded and tugged at his wife's dress before giving her a pleading look.

Naruto on the other hand, simply finished his work before coming over to Alice and plopping over to sit next to Alice, licking a forepaw as he did so (he was really getting into his role as a fox the longer he stayed in this wacky world it seemed).

The Queen of Hearts was a petty, greedy and selfish individual. While most of her actions were predictable and usually involved a beheading, she did know how to notice a valuable subject when she saw one. Particularly, a girl with a familiar with the ability to clone itself (basically a one-man army of servants) so she decided to take the high road here.

"Hmph…very well. You can thank the girl and her familiar for your lives for I have decided to be a magnanimous ruler and spare the lot of you. Now get out of my sight!" The queen said as the gardeners fell over themselves trying to make themselves scarce, so great was their fear.

After they left, the queen turned to regard Alice with a critical eye.

"I don't recall ever seeing you and your familiar in my kingdom before…perhaps we should get to know one another, especially if you can help me get a pet much like yours. Would you like to join me for a game of croquet?" She said as Alice looked at Naruto questioningly (he simply shrugged at her, seeing no harm in her request) before turning back to the queen and nodding her assent.

A few minutes later…

Alice was a proper British lady in the making – as such, she had played her fair share of croquet before and was quite familiar with the game itself. All of this foreknowledge didn't help her much when the queen guided them to her croquet setup, which was such an unusual sight that Naruto had to do a double take, wondering just how people even came up with such things in the first place.

The traditional game was unchanged but its implements had undergone a drastic overhaul – gone were the standard mallets and balls, only to be replaced with flamingoes and hedgehogs instead! The queen had her guards set up the playing field and in just a few minutes, they were able to start playing.

'At least Alice has nothing to fear here…I've seen her and Audrey play croquet in the girl's school before after all…' Naruto thought as he sat down on his haunches to watch the game.

Little did he know that the queen, like all arrogant monarchs had an ego that suffered from a strange paradox – it was as large as a celestial body but as fragile as glass. Accordingly, the queen's gameplay was incredibly rigged – the flamingo and hedgehog she used took every pain to keep her happy and her guards not-so subtly 'nudged' the hogs to pass through the wickets. Of course, Alice and Naruto were quick to point out the unfairness of it all, only for the queen to bluster out her characteristic response.

"Oh??Are you implying that my stellar athleticism is only due to my rigging of the game?! Preposterous – guards, tell the silly girl and her pet that you are doing nothing of the sort or it's off with your heads!!" She said as the guards and even the animals insisted that the Queen was just a crack shot and was playing well on her own merit.

'Sure…and I am the King of England! Athletic ability my ass! The woman looks like she could moonlight as a part time blimp or an inflatable raft…' Naruto deadpanned as he looked at Alice knowingly. The girl for her part looked a little peeved at the antics of the queen but reasoned that she could just enjoy the game (she knew she couldn't win, given how the Queen cheated blatantly).

However, it was not to be – when Alice's turn came up, everything that could go wrong went wrong. Her flamingo tried to tickle her to mess up her aim, the hogs used their spines to divert the courses she set for them and so on. Naruto made to intervene but a pleading look from Alice had him sigh and acquiesce to her unspoken plea (she didn't want Naruto to get violent since she still needed to know how to get back home).

Speaking of which, she turned to the queen and started a conversation on how to leave Wonderland. Well, she tried at least.

"Your Majesty, my companion and I are foreigners to Wonderland and we were curious about how tourists come to visit this marvelous place?" Alice said as she watched the Queen take another shot at the wickets.

"What an excellent shot! Be sure to pass through the wickets dearie or I'll have your cute spiny head beheaded! Oh- you are foreigners? That explains why I couldn't remember seeing you before…regarding your question, I do believe that there is no other land besides Wonderland so why would you even want to leave? Just stay here and serve your queen like all the other peasants! I am sure I could use another maid and your fox looks like a perfect servant army…" She said as Alice was taken aback by the Queen's reply, unable to find a proper retort.

While reeling from the fact that the Queen would be of no help to their attempts to leave this strange world, none other than the Cheshire Cat decided to appear before the girl. She was startled at his sudden presence but a quick look around told her that the Cat was only noticed by her and Naruto (at least, she could gather as much from his rising hackles…). The others must have been really invested in the game or something…

"Oooh! The Queen is of no help to you? Whatever will you do now Alice?~" The Cat said as he flew around the girl, confusing her a little as her next shot sent her poor hog flying over the wickets to land near the Queen's putt.

"Watch where you're shooting that thing there girl!" The Queen said, annoyed that Alice was shooting better now.

"It's not my fault your Majesty! The Cheshire Cat is here and he's confusing me!" Alice complained as the Queen simply harrumphed and told the girl to stop fibbing since she couldn't see the cat she talked about.

This went on for a few minutes, with the queen losing more and more of her patience each time. At a loss at what to do, Alice was about to consult Naruto before the Cat quickly landed on her shoulders and purred mockingly.

"It's no use Alice, I only appeared to you – I don't know how your fox can see me but the others can't! Oh, isn't that just delightful – take a look at what I am going to do now!" He said before floating over to the Queen and tripped the lady over, making her dress flip over her bum to reveal her massive bloomers to the aghast Alice and Naruto.

"Agh! My eyes! They're burning…where's Grimhilde when you need her! I need a memory wipe!" Naruto said as he fell to his knees, rubbing his eyes as he cried anime waterfalls.

While Alice's reaction wasn't so exaggerated, she was also taken aback by this turn of events and couldn't find the words to explain herself, as the Cat made it look as though she was the one who toppled the queen over.

The Queen turned back to look at Alice and Naruto, her face a ruddy magenta with embarrassment (her dear husband was blushing prettily though…she did like that…).

"How dare you! Off with your head, both you and your fox! Guards! Seize them!" She screamed as her card guards tried to catch Naruto, who ran over to Alice protectively. Just as Naruto was about to shred some cards though, the king rushed over to appease his irate wife.

"Dear, don't you think a trial would be a better demonstration of your dedication to justice? The poor girl looks like she deserves the right to defend herself after all…" The king said as he sniveled before his massive spouse, wringing his hands and generally looking as pitiful (cute in the Queen's eyes) so he could sway her decision.

It worked though, seeing as the Queen smiled salaciously (Naruto gagged at the sight in the background) and gently stroked her husband's face.

"Alright my dear. I suppose I can grant your humble request – let no one say I am not a merciful ruler!"

Scene Break

Royal Courtroom, ten minutes later…

Alice and Naruto were presently on trial for their 'crimes' against the Queen and Wonderland. They were the only people on their side of the court (that is, the defendant side) but on the prosecutor's bench, they could pick out the Mad Hatter, the March Hare, a selection of the Forest Flowers and the Dodo. The Rabbit was unsure on which side to join to he was in the jury (he now knew that Alice wasn't Mary Ann, he still had a soft spot for her…).

The trail was a sham to be honest, with flimsy and nonsensical accusations against the duo by the prosecutors, ranging from how they didn't respect the natural madness of the world, how they celebrated birthdays and not the latter, and the list went on but Naruto ignored most of it, deciding to keep an eye out for the Cheshire Cat instead.

A few minutes into the trial, the Cat in question made his debut, except this time he was also visible to the Rabbit.

"Oh, what trouble you've found yourself in Alice-did you know that it was in this way that your counterpart in this world met her own sticky end? Yes, I speak of Mary Ann, the White Rabbit's housemaid. She came to the castle to discuss housing regulations on behalf of the Rabbit but the Queen had the girl beheaded. Now, I will use you to break this world open and set us all free…after all, most everyone's mad here. Aha... HAHAHAHAHA! You may have noticed that I'm not all there myself. " He said as the Rabbit finally lost his composure, breaking into tears as the Cat played the same trick on the Queen, who predictably screamed for Alice's beheading once again. However, this time, Alice was also tired of the Queen and horrified that she ordered the execution of a girl her age.

"I don't think so! Naruto, take care of the soldiers – I need to eat the enlarging mushrooms!" She said while Naruto grinned savagely before leaping into the guard hordes, bringing them down like a house of cards(hehehe…). Meanwhile, Alice had found the mushrooms and ate them to grow to a titanic size, her head just brushing the roof of the massive courtroom vestibule.

The king, who was just a bystander at this point, stepped in at this point, spouting some nonsense about Rule # 42. This rule, to put it shortly, stated that no one taller than a mile high could stay in the courtroom. This was quickly rebutted by Alice though, with a clever quip about how she was still capable of fitting in the courtroom, meaning that she was not a mile tall.

"You tell'em Alice! These card guards are pretty pathetic pickings to be honest!" Naruto said as he punched a guard, sending him flying into a group of cards to take them all out.

"Of course Naruto. This queen needs to know that she's a cruel woman and needs to pay for Mary Ann's death – she's nothing but fat, pompous, bad-tempered old tyrant!" Alice said, just as the other end of the mushrooms she consumed took effect, shrinking her back to normal.

The Cheshire Cat then decided to appear again, this time to tell the queen what Alice said about her. Now virtually apoplectic with rage, she summoned all her guards to seize the girl.

"OFF WITH HER HEAD!!"

What both she and the Cat didn't account for was Naruto. Normally, Alice would be forced to flee but with Naruto by her side, she didn't have to do any such thing. Naruto was a beast in battle, routing the entire castle army single handed. Not much to say really, the man turned fox was basically a god of war and when he finished his conquest, the Queen was left alone, on her knees with her husband next to her. The only other people around them were the Rabbit and the Cat, the latter who didn't know how to feel about someone who didn't fear him and was more powerful to boot.

"Alright Alice –what do you think we should do to them? I think the King is relatively innocent, just a little dumb. The Queen needs to pay though…" Naruto said as Alice hummed and walked over to the Rabbit and patted his head.

"I think you should do what you feel is right…she took someone dear to you away. Goodbye sir, I hope you find peace…" She said as the Rabbit sobbed and sniffled a little before gritting his teeth and giving a shaky smile to Alice and a firm nod to Naruto(who grinned at seeing the harangued rodent finally grow a backbone).

Their piece said, the two of them left the castle, leaving the Rabbit and Cat alone with the King and Queen. The former was spirited away by the Cat and the latter was left helpless as she watched the Rabbit slowly make his way over to her, pulling a sword from an unconscious guard (Naruto didn't kill anyone – he knew they were very simple minded creatures anyway…).

"You know, I pride myself on my punctuality…Mary Ann…she always did enjoy my parenting approach, always respecting the value of principles. Now I can say, Justice will be served and I will not be late to *stab* dispense it…" The Rabbit whispered into the Queen's ear as he plunged the sword into her chest, the blade coming out the other end, a veritable fountain of crimson painting the foul dictator in the color she loved most.

As he walked away from her corpse, the Cat then moved towards him and gave him an interesting proposal.

"The Queen is dead, long live the King. What is your first order of business my liege?" He said as the Rabbit sat on the throne.

"I will be a kind but strict ruler – all will be free to pursue their whims but not at the cost of others. Wonderland is a place of madness and my rule will establish neutrality and nothing else." He said as the Cat purred in delight.

With Alice and Naruto…

Having been left with no recourse but to retrace their steps back to the door that started it all, Alice and Naruto were surprised to find the door still there. Upon closer inspection, the two espied their sleeping forms in the park. Emboldened, Alice, with the assistance of Naruto, pried the door open and immediately found themselves awakening to the irate face of Audrey, who looked quite peeved that the two of them ran off to slack around instead of studying together.

"Oh there you two are. Slacking off together I see…what do you have to say for yourselves?" Audrey asked as the duo turned to look at each other before looking at Audrey with knowing smiles.

"Oh dear sister, do we have a story for you…"

"Indeed, I think it would be best shared at my home over Ella's cooking!"

And with that, one little girl learned a valuable lesson about fun and games – the fact that moderation is key and balance was king.

That wraps up the Alice arc! We'll have an interlude before the next story segment, Peter Pan (a Grimhilde lemon at the very least…)!

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