Rogue of Taurus

In the past, Livia would wake up at the same time every morning, no matter how late she stayed out at night. But, since Corvin had explained to her during the semester that Taurus craved sensory input when they got tired, Livia realized how much sleep she needed. So, she stayed in bed that morning, luxuriating in the memories from the previous night. After she turned off her alarm and went back to sleep, she even dreamed she was sleeping in Corvin’s arms. It seemed so real, and she felt so safe that she didn’t recognize her room when she woke up several hours later.

A moment of panic overwhelmed her when she couldn’t find Corvin. She even called out his name. The sound of her own voice snapped her out of her haze. Her memory came back to her. Corvin had kissed her goodbye on the porch last night around 2 a.m. She had stumbled up to her room in Hyrum’s house and fallen asleep. She was still in her clothes from last night. She straightened her shirt, and she realized it smelled like Corvin.

“Everything alright, Livia?” Hyrum’s voice came from the other side of the door.

“I’m fine!” she called.

“May I come in?” he asked, hesitant.

“Of course.”

Hyrum opened the door and looked around like he was searching for someone.

“I’m right here,” Livia said, pulling his eyes to her.

“I heard you call Corvin? Is he here?”

Livia’s cheeks instantly flamed red. “I was dreaming. He’s not here.”

Hyrum looked around again. He looked like he doubted her. Livia glared at her brother. There was nowhere for Corvin to hide in the room. Hyrum had no choice but to believe her. If he didn’t, then he was ignoring reality.

“Are you unwell?” he asked.

“What?” Livia asked, confused. She felt better than she usually did. “Do I look sick?”

“You never sleep in,” Hyrum said. “Are you exhausted?”

“No,” Livia answered. But her heart sank to her toes. She remembered her conversation with Hyrum in the kitchen after Mom accused her of being pregnant. Here he was looking for more evidence, and he’d found it.

Livia had changed her sleeping patterns at Cornelia and had yet to change them back when she got home. This was Hyrum’s first mention of it, but she was sure he had noticed.

Hyrum hesitated. “Liv, you sure there’s nothing you need to tell me?”

Livia hit her duvet, frustrated. “I’m not pregnant, Hyrum!”

Hyrum didn’t flinch.

“Why can’t you believe me?” Livia demanded.

Hyrum sighed. “Why do you sleep more now?”

Livia gritted her teeth, but she explained. “Cause Corvin explained how Taurus feel when they’re too tired. Once I figured that out, I started sleeping more. And almost everything in my life started getting easier to do. So, now, I sleep more. Like a normal person.”

Hyrum cleared his throat. “You smell like him.”

Livia closed her eyes. “Will you just go away? I don’t owe you explanations.”

“Was it a nice night?” Hyrum asked.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Livia asked. “Are you asking if I slept with him? Cause the answer is no. I didn’t.”

Hyrum studied her. “Livia, the only thing I want is for you to be safe and happy.”

“Corvin does make me happy,” Livia argued.

Some of Hyrum’s of tension disappeared. “He’s a good man, Livia.”

“He’s the best person I know,” Livia agreed.

“You trust him,” Hyrum said.

“More than most people.”

The corners of Hyrum’s mouth quirked up. “Want to help me with a project?”

“What is it?” Livia huffed.

“I need to hang a mirror in the master bath. I bought a new one for Caecilia, hoping I could get it up before she got home.”

Livia threw aside her covers. “Do I have time to shower?”

“I’ll give you five minutes.”

Livia figured if Hyrum asked her to help with a construction project, he probably believed her about not being pregnant. She rushed through the shower and helped Hyrum transform his bathroom before Caecilia returned.

###

After helping Hyrum with other projects around the house, Livia got ready to head to Justin’s for dinner. When she arrived, only Flavia, Justin, and their four boys, the youngest of whom were twins, remained. Livia tried to figure out if Bella was ‘out’ by design, but she couldn’t gather enough evidence either way.

Livia thought their youngest children wouldn’t remember her, but they did. They wanted to be carried around as she chatted with Flavia like old times. At first, it had been strange to Livia to hold a child on her hip, but she liked the feeling now. The simplicity of the companionship comforted her.

Livia enjoyed carting Auster around the house. He was constantly trying to get her attention and pointing things out. Livia was fascinated by the way Auster saw the world. He liked to coax her into turning on the light switches and then made a finger-exploding gesture when the lights turned on.

“Yeah, it’s basically magic, bud,” Livia said. “Electricity.”

Flavia smiled at the easy way Livia interacted with Auster. “I remember when you were scared to hold him.”

Livia laughed. “I like him this size. When he was smaller, it was harder.”

Auster looked up at Livia and babbled at her.

“Yeah, that’s right,” Livia said to him. “I like you. Don’t tell anyone.”

He babbled back.

Livia laughed. “He’s so close to talking.”

“He says ‘Dada’ when Justin comes in the door. They adore their father.”

“Is that right?” Livia spoke to Auster. “Don’t tell him, but he’s sort of annoying.”

“I heard that,” Justin’s deep voice rumbled from the other room.

Flavia laughed.

Livia couldn’t stop a genuine smile from spreading across her face. She loved the feel of this house—the warm, dry humor, the laughter, frequent hugs, and kindness. A river of unceasing kindness sprung from Justin and Flavia’s unity.

“You’re lucky,” Livia told Auster without thinking. “I hid from my dad. Sometimes I wished he would get lost on the way home and never return.”

Flavia touched Livia’s arm. Livia looked at her. “Do you remember a lot?” she asked.

It was like plunging into icy water unexpectedly, and Livia flailed to find an answer. “It…depends,” she settled on.

“Is it difficult daily?” Flavia asked.

“More when bad things happen. But let’s not talk about this,” Livia said. “I’m sorry I brought it up.”

“You’ve never been so open about it before, so I wondered if it was what you wanted to discuss,” Flavia said.

“No,” Livia shook her head, but Flavia was right. It wasn’t something Livia could generally talk openly about, and the fact that she had was a big deal. “It is weird that I could say that,” Livia said.

Flavia made an interested noise and watched her face. Livia looked at Auster and smiled. “It’s been an interesting couple of months, I guess.”

“Tell me about it,” Flavia said.

“School has been good for me,” Livia said. “My roommate goes home on the weekends, and I get the apartment to myself. It’s so nice to feel like I’m in charge and in control of my space. It’s like when you play a board game and conquer all the territory. There are these amazing moments when I feel like I’ve won at life. I never imagined I could feel that way,” Livia got emotional. She buried her face into little Auster’s hair. He reached up and patted her cheek.

Livia and Flavia laughed at the empathetic gesture. Flavia wrapped her arm around Livia’s shoulder. “Justin and I are so proud of you,” she whispered. “You deserve every good thing this life has to offer.”

That sent tears cascading down Livia’s face. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“You never forget that,” she whispered. “Never.”

What about this sort of life? Did Livia deserve a home full of kindness and love? Was such a thing obtainable for her? Suddenly, she wanted a life like this. She and Corvin could make this sort of life, couldn’t they?

“At school, Whitney comes home and says I will make a great wife.” Livia laughed, embarrassed. “Cause she walks in, and the apartment is pristine and smells like baking bread. I never thought someone would think of me as wife-material…but there you go, I guess.”

Flavia smiled. “I could see you being a very loving and supportive wife.”

“I didn’t think I would ever get married,” Livia confessed. “Then Corvin said things that made me think about it. Not with him specifically.” Livia added when Flavia’s eyes widened. “I mean that it was possible in theory.”

Livia was sure her face was beet red. Flavia looked down at Auster, and her face softened. Livia looked down. The kid had gone to sleep on her shoulder. Livia chuckled as a wave of tenderness poured through her. What an amazing feeling. She hadn’t known she was capable of such softness.

“Wow,” she said. “He fell asleep on me.”

Flavia lifted her hands. “Let me take him and put him down in his crib.”

Livia transferred Auster over and followed Flavia into the living room. Justin was stroking his fingers through his other son’s hair with a content smile on his face.

“He’s asleep too?” Flavia asked.

“Isn’t he handsome?” Justin asked.

“Just like his father,” Flavia teased.

Justin closed his eyes. “They grow up too fast. Soon he’ll be too big to fall asleep on me.”

“Will you put all the boys to bed so I can take a moment with Livia?” Flavia asked.

“I can,” Justin said. “It’ll be easier with the twins already asleep.”

Flavia and Justin went up the stairs together, each cradling a toddler. Flavia came back down just as Livia wondered if she’d decided to stay and help Justin put the boys to bed.

Flavia sat on the couch and patted the seat next to her. Livia came and sat down where she gestured.

“Livia,” Flavia said. “I’m curious, what did Corvin say?”

“About what?” she asked.

“To change your ideas about marriage?”

“He…” Livia could feel her face heat up. She had intended to ask Flavia sometime about the things Corvin told her about them, but she had no idea how hard it would be to actually get the words out. “Told me that…Taurus women have issues.”

Flavia was not surprised. She nodded. Livia took that as an invitation.

“He said you both were open about it?” Livia squeaked.

“We are,” Flavia said. “Do you have questions?”

Livia didn’t know what else to say. So they stared at each other in silence until Flavia spoke.

“I’m not sure how to talk to you about this,” Flavia said. “Most people come to us after they’ve already struggled and are quite familiar with these issues. So I don’t know quite how to share without knowing your experiences or struggles….”

“Is it really complicated?” Livia asked.

Flavia blinked. “In what way?”

“Do you have to do all these things and follow a regimen?”

“No,” Flavia laughed. “Livia, it’s so simple that it’s stupid.”

“Really?”

“Yes, 90% of it is just getting cold.”

“Cold?” Livia asked.

“Yeah, when my skin is cold, I’m more sensitive to affectionate touch, which makes foreplay enjoyable, which allows me to relax for the rest of it,” Flavia said.

“Oooh,” Livia’s eyes widened. The memory of kissing Corvin last night flashed through her mind. The look on his face when she complained about the cold. We’ll keep each other warm, he’d said. The way she’d instantly enjoyed sitting on his lap. How confident he was… Ancus’ ice jokes!

Livia started to laugh. And couldn’t stop. Flavia’s eyes lowered to her hands.

Livia gasped, horrified at her reaction. “I’m not laughing at you. It just…suddenly makes sense. I’m sorry.”

“I’m alright,” Flavia said. “Are you?”

Livia laughed again. That uncontrolled, hysterical laugh that had come out of her when she’d played spoons with Corvin. When she regained her composure, she had to catch her breath and apologize again.

“Some people grieve past experiences when they find out,” Flavia said.

“Maybe things would have been different with Arik.” Livia shook her head. “But… I’m okay with that. I’m just so relieved. It could be so much worse.” Livia put both hands over her heart. “Oh, I’m so grateful. Finally, knowing what I need to know before something awful happens. Oh, I’m so grateful.”

“Do you have other questions?” Flavia asked.

Livia studied Flavia’s face. Her expression was clear, but there was something in the press of her lips, the look in her eyes. “Did I hurt you, Flavia?” Livia asked.

“No, Livia, I just wish…someone had told me early on too. I wasn’t a very good wife or mother. I was impatient and sometimes mean.”

Livia blinked. She could not imagine this. “Well, you’ve changed then.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t have regrets.”

Livia put her hand over Flavia’s. She admired this woman so much. She spoke kindly to her, “Hyrum always says we can’t undo the past, but we can change the future. Thank you for helping me change mine.”

“How are things with you and Corvin?” Flavia’s eyes sparkled with curiosity.

Livia’s countenance sobered. “I don’t know, Flavia.”

Flavia’s eyes grew serious. “What’s wrong?”

“Corvin’s great,” she laughed mirthlessly. “It’s everything else I can’t sort out.”

“Everything else?” Flavia asked.

“Patrician law and Gaius and lawyers and maybe…if I don’t understand any of that, I shouldn’t be with him.”

Flavia gasped in surprise. “No, that’s not true, Livia.”

“No offense, Flavia, but you’re plebeian. I wonder if your life exists for patrician women. Look at my mother or Salina—”

“Livia,” Flavia gave her a look. “What about Aurelia or Garnet? They are patrician women and have stared down challenges with security and support. Those Tullian men are good stock.”

Livia gave Flavia a look of disbelief. “Is Corvin a sheep now?”

“What does Corvin say to all these doubts?” Flavia asked, brushing Livia’s attitude aside.

“I—he… doesn’t know,” Livia said.

“Why not?” Flavia was aghast.

Livia tried to formulate an explanation. The sound of Justin’s footfalls on the stairs made her lift her eyes up. “The boys are asleep,” he said. “May I join this conversation?”

Flavia waved him down the stairs. “Come down. It will take both of us to talk sense into her.”

Justin came and sat next to Flavia and took her hand in his. “What’s she saying?”

“That she doesn’t belong with Corvin because of some Patrician nonsense….” Flavia sounded upset.

Justin studied Livia. “Tell me more about this Patrician nonsense.”

Livia put her hands over her face. “It’s so hard to understand. I don’t even know if I’ve made the right decision. I just turned in my match papers to Gaius, and I don’t know if Corvin will respond well—”

“Have you discussed this with Corvin?” Justin asked. Livia appreciated he didn’t wave away her concerns or minimize them.

“No.”

“Why not?” Justin asked. He didn’t ask the same way Flavia did with an unspoken accusation. Instead, he was soft and open. Livia felt it was the best chance to explain her problems and not be considered unreasonable.

“I’m trying not to make the same mistakes my mother did. That means not giving him so much power over me, and that means telling him how it’s going to be—”

Justin’s eyes widened with understanding, and his chin lifted. He took a deep breath. “You’re negotiating from a competitive standpoint. Where you think if he wins, you lose—”

“That’s how it works,” Livia argued.

“Livia, how do we resolve conflicts in TARP?”

Livia knew the word Justin wanted her to say, “Cooperatively.”

“What does that mean?” he asked.

“That problems are the problem, not the people….”

“Annnd?” he prompted.

“We’re on the same team,” Livia said.

“Livia, if you want to spend your life with Corvin, you must be on the same team. You need to work cooperatively on this issue.”

“But I—how do I? Is that safe?” Livia asked.

“A relationship where you keep your fears and concerns from your partner isn’t safe. It might offer an illusion of safety, but it’s not safe,” Justin said.

Livia sighed, discouraged, as she recognized the truth of Justin’s words. “But if I open up…is that safe?”

“It feels terrifying, doesn’t it,” Justin empathized. “Many people don’t acknowledge how much courage relationships take.”

“You think I should tell him,” Livia said.

“You’ll only make it through the match process if you do. It’s common to have a competitive mindset in these matters. But I encourage you to reframe this experience. Think of yourself and Corvin as on the same team, you’re co-writing a project, and then you’re presenting it to your peers and families. You should tell Gaius how it will be. Not Corvin.”

Livia grasped what Justin was saying, and it made her feel stupid and guilty. She’d gone about everything wrong! She groaned. “I’m so bad at this. I’ve already screwed everything up—”

“Livia, one of the things a successful relationship will teach you to do is apologize and ask forgiveness,” Flavia smiled.

But it was already too late. Livia had sent the matched papers to Gaius. She wished she’d talked to Justin before. She’d tried so hard not to make any mistakes. Then she just went ahead and made an entirely separate set of them.

She gave Flavia and Justin a weak smile. “I should go….”

“Be brave, Livia,” Justin said as she walked out the door. “Braver than you’ve ever been before.”