Rogue of Taurus

What time do you work today? Corvin texted early the following day.

Livia actually had the day off, which was a relief. She hadn’t pulled herself together after watching videos of Cassia last night. Livia was grateful to avoid listening to Irene prattle on about how she was related to the most important, well-connected, and rich people in Caesarea. Livia was trying to give the girl the benefit of the doubt and believe she wasn’t doing it to make Livia feel inferior. But Livia felt inferior after a week of shameless bragging.

As if that wasn’t enough grief, she kept wondering what surprise was next. First, Corvin’s relationship with Salina, his stint in rehab, and the contract with Cassia. Paranoid thoughts started creeping into Livia’s mind. What if Corvin had kept these things from her on purpose? Her mother lied to her about being in Taurus House for 17 years. What if something more was going on with Salina? Maybe Jonas was in on it like Hyrum had obeyed mom and kept his mouth shut for 17 years. What other crazy girlfriends did Corvin have in his past? Could Livia trust him?

She recognized she was in a dark place. The type of place that two years ago would have her making unreasonable and controlling demands of Arik. Indeed, the temptation to sit Corvin down and interrogate him about every last interaction he’d had with every female in Caesarea was fierce.

But her therapist had given her a tip on how to check these controlling impulses. She had to flip them around. If Corvin sat Livia down and interrogated her how she wanted to interrogate him, she’d consider it unforgivable. So, that meant she couldn’t do it. The conversation was off-limits.

That meant she had to sit there with her thoughts and feelings and endure them. Treating other people poorly didn’t erase the past or protect you from being hurt in the future. That was the harsh truth of existence. Livia hated how vulnerable and fragile that made her feel.

I’m off, Livia texted back.

Corvin: Me too. What time do you want to get together?

Livia groaned. She wanted to see Corvin, but she wanted to feel more…confident, less paranoid. She considered saying no, putting Corvin off, but she’d have to see him eventually. Putting it off wasn’t going to fix anything. Instead, she would try to do that thing where you process your feelings and get over them.

Livia: 1:00.

Corvin: Can we do noon, and I’ll treat you to lunch?

What was one hour earlier?

Livia: See you then.

Livia took a deep breath. First thing, exercise. Right? That would get her moving, do whatever it was that brain chemicals did, and get her out of this funk. So, after breakfast, Livia threw some ratty tennis shoes on and went for a decent run. She might have gotten a tad too cold, though, because she couldn’t feel the cool water when she was in the shower. She had to turn the heat up to feel any sensation.

Worried about getting too hot, Livia kept a close eye on her skin color. She got out when she started seeing pink tones. That meant she came out of the shower grouchy and annoyed.

Livia got the big idea to curl her hair the way the ‘refined’ women in Caesarea did. After taking ages to blow dry it, she borrowed Caecilia’s curling iron. It was pretty for about ten minutes and turned into a limp mess. Livia curled it again and used more hairspray. Now her hair looked more like a stiff, messy bush. She could feel the sticky hair spray on the edges of her face, making her want to scrape her nails across her skin. Her stiff hair scraped across her shoulders and neck each time she turned her head. The sensations that sent down her back made her nauseated. Livia stared at herself in the mirror, still as possible. She’d be fine as long as she remained stiff as a board.

Livia unplugged the curling iron. She turned to the shower, turned it on, put her hair in the stream, and washed it until she no longer felt sick. Once her hair was soft and flexible again, she could relax. She decided to braid it like she often did. When she finished, she looked in the mirror again. All that effort and no change.

Livia tried to brush that off and went to deal with her clothing. Livia imagined she’d put on something nice this morning, but she had lost all her ambition and courage. So she just put on whatever she usually wore. She tried to tell herself she felt better for trying to improve herself. Instead, she felt stupid and embarrassed for wasting her time.

All the discouragement settled on her at once. Was she just fooling herself, thinking that Corvin would like her? Did she think she could compete with these beautiful high-society Caesarean women that paid people to groom them to perfection? That Corvin wouldn’t eventually notice that she wasn’t good enough?

Then there was the problem with the match papers. How was she supposed to sort those out? And Corvin seemed happy now with forehead kisses and cuddles, but what did Livia do when he wanted more? She was afraid of disappointing him. She wanted to be open, spontaneous, and generous that way with him, but the hard reality was that she just wasn’t.

She tried so hard with Arik. Livia was not in any way a touchy-feely person. When Corvin pulled up, Livia thought of faking sickness, but she didn’t. She gave him a false smile and climbed into his truck when he opened the door for her.

“How are you, Liv?” Corvin asked as they pulled out of the driveway.

Livia nodded. Silent.

Corvin looked at her. “Liv?”

“You know…the same.”

“The same?” Corvin asked.

“Yeah.”

“As what?” he was confused.

“I’m just Livia,” she said, unable to hide the bitterness.

“And tell me about Livia,” Corvin asked. “Who is she?”

Livia looked out the window and didn’t answer. Corvin didn’t press. Eventually, he pulled into a parking lot, and they got out.

They ordered food to go and returned to the car. “Let’s go to my place so we don’t get cold,” Corvin offered.

“I’m sorry, Corvin,” Livia whispered. “I should have made some excuse to stay home.”

“Because you’re sad today?” he asked.

Livia rubbed her forehead. “I’m sorry.”

“I’d rather be with you sad than not at all,” Corvin said. He pulled her hand from her face and held it as they drove. He let them into his townhouse. He put the food down on the coffee table and then hugged Livia.

It was an amazing hug. It did more for Livia than the run, the shower, and the botched hair attempt. Tears ran down her cheeks out of sheer relief that something felt good and comforting to her body.

Livia pulled back from the hug to wipe her cheeks. She looked around the room in front of her. Two couches were facing each other on either side of the coffee table. The fireplace and two built-in bookshelves on the far wall made it a cozy place to study or chat with friends.

Corvin sat on one of the couches and gestured for her to sit with him. “What’s going on, Liv? Talk to me.”

“Corvin?” Livia asked, remaining standing in front of him. “Do you stay with me out of pity?”

He met her eyes with alarm. “Of course not. Why would you think that?”

“Are you sure?” she whispered, eyes shining with tears.

“Liv?” Corvin scooted forward to sit on the edge of the couch. “What have I ever done to make you think that?”

Livia cupped her palm around the back of her neck. “Corvin, I can barely kiss you—”

“Liv, Hun—” Corvin sighed, hesitating. “That doesn’t bother me at this stage of our relationship, but since it bothers you, let’s talk about it.”

“What is there to talk about?” Livia asked. “I’m broken.”

Corvin patted the empty space next to him. “Come sit, Liv.”

Livia accepted his invitation. She sat, hands clasped tight over her knees.

Corvin leaned toward her, angling himself so he could meet her eyes. “I’ve been so proud of you, Livia.”

Livia scoffed. “Why? That’s ridiculous.”

Corvin protested. “We’ve actually shared a good deal of physical affection. I’ve been in relationships where I’ve had less—”

Livia lifted her eyes to him, disbelieving. “With who?”

“Salina—”

Livia shook her head. She didn’t believe that. It didn’t seem possible. Even if it were true, it didn’t apply to Cassia. “I feel like… I’m not as good for you as—”

Livia couldn’t bring herself to say Cassia’s name to Corvin’s face. It felt wrong to do it this way. When she wanted reassurance. She should reassure him. He’d been the one to lose her. She pressed her lips together and looked away.

Corvin looked curious. “Bella?” he guessed.

Livia flushed. She hadn’t thought about him and Bella, Justin’s daughter, together in a long time. “No.”

“Who?” Corvin asked.

“I can’t—” Livia said, shaking her head.

“Is it Cassia?” Corvin asked.

Livia looked at him, panicked.

“It’s Cassia,” he confirmed. “We can talk about her, Livia.”

Livia sighed and looked at her hands, defeated. “It’s unfair to discuss her with you.”

“I don’t think that at all,” Corvin said. “Cassia was a big part of my life. I don’t mind talking about her with you.”

That didn’t make Livia leap to share her concerns with him. She evaluated him, skeptical that he was as chill about this conversation as he portrayed. But what was the point of hiding it from him now that he’d guessed?

“What did you hear about her?” Corvin asked.

Livia admitted, “I watched a video.”

He didn’t seem surprised. “Which ones did you watch?”

“It was on the OWLS band page. You were performing—”

“We were kissing, weren’t we?” Corvin said. “That’s what provoked these feelings.”

Livia turned her face away from him, ashamed. “I know it’s stupid and ridiculous.”

Livia expected Corvin to agree with her, to call her out for being a petty female, but he didn’t. He put one hand over her clasped ones and spoke tenderly to her. “Liv, I loved Cassia, but anytime we were on stage, she was buzzed on alcohol.”

Livia never expected him to be so gentle with her while discussing Cassia. She tried to figure out what he wanted her to gain from mentioning their drinking. “So…”

Corvin smiled briefly. “She was very sensual on stage, but when we were alone, she was pretty insecure. You only saw one side of her, and it wasn’t the honest side.”

Livia ran a hand up and down her arm as she looked at her shoes. “Corvin, I can’t be like that—” she whispered.

“Livia, I’m not expecting you to. I didn’t expect Cassia to either.”

Livia’s eyes shot back up to his face as she insisted, “But every man wants that—”

Corvin interrupted. “Every man wants to be loved, Livia. Love can be expressed in an infinite number of ways.”

“Corvin, don’t pretend it’s not important—” Livia argued.

“I’m not. That shouldn’t be the entire focus and measurement of a good relationship.

“You cannot convince me Salina was worse!” Livia cried.

Corvin looked at Livia impatiently as he explained, “Near the end, we didn’t spend that much time together. We saw each other once a week, often in public where affection wasn’t encouraged.”

“And you didn’t like that—” Livia removed her hands from under his to point an accusing finger at him.

“No.”

“So you can’t deny that you need affection—” Livia argued.

“Livia, you are not denying me affection,” Corvin insisted. “My poor relationship with Salina was a symptom of another problem. It’s both inaccurate and unfair to compare yourself to her. You’ve shown an actual willingness to work on the issues between us. This whole conversation?”

Corvin made a circular gesture with his hand. “It never would have happened between Salina and me. So, I am grateful that we’re sitting here talking about it. I’m grateful you’re upset because it means you care about me.”

It hit Livia hard that he was still so calm and kind to her. She was arguing with him, being defensive and disagreeable, yet he wasn’t fighting back. It made her stop for a moment. It allowed her to put aside her reactivity and be honest. “I do care about you. I’m so afraid I won’t be able to make you happy.”

Corvin smiled at her. “I’m lucky to be with someone who cares so much about me being happy.”

Livia studied him. “Why aren’t you upset that I watched that video?”

Corvin shrugged. “I can’t stop you. The videos are out there. Cassia was amazing, wasn’t she?”

Livia couldn’t hide the awe in her tone. “She could have been famous. Incredibly famous.”

“She wanted that,” Corvin said. “But it’s hard to blend the traditional Caesarean lifestyle and dreams of Hollywood. I don’t know how I would have kept her happy because I would have given up Hollywood in a second.”

“Really?” Livia asked.

“Yeah, Caesarea is who I am. It’s my home. It’s not perfect, but I can do good here in ways I couldn’t do elsewhere. When I was with Salina…that haunted me. Would I have left Caesarea with Cassia? Would we have stayed together? It was a particularly gnarly tunnel of grief. It hurt Salina badly, but I had to go through it to get to the other side. To become who I am today.”

“Would you have left Caesarea for Cassia?” Livia asked him.

Corvin’s rubbed his hand over his face. “Justin helped me realize the person I am now isn’t the same person I was back then. We judge our past selves according to our current standards, which makes it unfair. Once I understood that I could accept that the current Corvin would have made different choices from the past Corvin. I didn’t have to be a bad person because I’d grown up since I was eighteen.”

“So, the current Corvin wouldn’t have stayed with Cassia?” Livia asked.

“The current Corvin would not pursue a serious relationship with Cassia,” Corvin admitted. He placed a hand over his heart. “It hurts to say that, but I was so stupid at that age. We drank too much and should have given our parents more credit.”

Livia thought it should bother her to hear Corvin talk about Cassia this way, but instead, it comforted her. She was okay with messiness. She was okay with ambiguity. The people who romanticized things, who saw everything as black and white, scared her. They didn’t understand how swiftly things could change and what might be necessary to survive.

“Have I made you feel worse, Liv?” Corvin asked.

“No, you still want to love another person, to have another life. You don’t look back and say that was the best time of my life or there’s nothing better ahead of me. You accept that it’s messy. I’m okay with that. I’ve lived a lot of messy, so…it makes me feel safe to know that you’ve had to accept messy too.”

Corvin’s eyes widened. Then emotions stormed through them. His eyes grew shiny. His voice was rough when he spoke, “You’re an amazing person, Liv. You know that, right?”

Livia shook her head. “No.”

“No, really,” Corvin said. “You accept messy things, hard things with grace and bravery. It makes me feel like I can be my authentic self with you. Since the first time I met you, I have admired that characteristic in you. I hope you realize how rare and admirable a quality you hold.”

Livia looked away when her eyes got teary. That felt good. After feeling so low, the compliment was a tender salve.

“Tell me more, Liv,” Corvin urged. “Where did your emotions go after you saw that video?”

Livia shrugged.

“Were you jealous?” he asked.

“Yes,” Livia said bitterly.

“Because she was with me?” he asked, smiling as a gentle tease.

“No. Cause she was so comfortable in her body—”

Corvin looked surprised.

“It was so easy for her to touch you, so easy to express herself that way—”

“You don’t find that easy,” Corvin said.

“No.”

“Why?”

“Cause I’m afraid,” Livia admitted. “It’s just automatic. I can’t control it.”

Corvin nodded. “That doesn’t surprise me. It’s understandable, even, that you feel that way.”

“Arik said if I faced the fear, eventually it would fade.”

“Do you feel like that worked?” Corvin asked.

Livia sighed. “That’s complicated.”

“Why?”

“It didn’t work between us, but I’m much better now. Because of Arik, it’s so much easier to do casual things. Things that aren’t romantic.”

“I think you pushed too hard, too fast,” Corvin said.

Livia gave him a look of complete frustration. “All we did was kiss. How do you go easier than that?”

“Part of the problem is that you have multiple issues to address,” Corvin said.

“Great, that makes me feel better,” Livia muttered sarcastically.

Corvin grinned. “Liv, I’ve got my issues; you’ve got your issues. There’s no point in saying our relationship should be a certain way. It’s best to let things progress naturally rather than trying to control the way your healing happens. Just relax, be with me, and believe we’re strong enough to face whatever is ahead.”

“But…that fixes nothing!”

“Livia, you don’t need to be fixed,” Corvin said clearly. “All of these things you think are wrong about you are perfectly logical responses to the situations you’ve faced.”

Livia looked at him, confused. “You don’t think I’m broken?”

“Not at all.”

Livia was so stunned that she just stared at him. “Really?”

“Really, now can I feed you, Liv?” He gestured to the bag on the table.

Livia sighed. “Corvin, I know I brought up a lot of painful things—”

“Liv, I’m glad you brought your concerns up. This was a good conversation.”

“Was it?”

He nodded. “But there is a time for conversation and a time for food.”

Livia sighed. She was impatient with Corvin’s answer. She understood that he wanted to let her know he’d be patient and supportive of her. She wanted something more than empty reassurances, though. Then she remembered that he mentioned that Flavia and Justin would discuss these issues. She would ask Flavia after she finished the match papers. Having decided that, her irritation with Corvin faded.

“Now is the time for food,” Livia agreed.