Reincarnated as the God of Shitty Life Counseling for Defective Washed Up Waifus

Consultation 88.

Today was a rather auspicious day in my books. The God of Life Counseling for Normie Waifus came to me because he said he was tired of dealing with the same old boring normie waifus all the time. He heard a rumor that I often dealt with ‘interesting’ and ‘unique’ waifus and insisted we swap places for the day and provide counseling for each other’s clients.

When I heard his waifus were all normal and he was complaining about it, I was naturally pissed off. As such, I agreed to switch clients for the day. I’ll make him regret boasting to me about his normal clients. He’ll be crying tears of blood when I’m done giving advice to these normie waifus. Let him rue the day he approached me to brag about his normie god problems.

“God, I’m in love with a guy in my class but I don’t know how to approach him. What do I do?”

A sinister smile floated to my face when I heard such a bland normie request.

“What sort of guy is it that has caught your eye?”

“He’s the most popular guy in my school. He’s always surrounded by pretty girls, but occasionally he looks my way and blushes when he realizes I’m looking back at him.”

“I see. I see. There is a very easy method for you to approach him, but I don’t know if you’ll be able to do it.”

“An easy method? What sort of method is that?”

“Are you really sure you want to know? It might be too much for you. Only mature people can use this high-level method.”

“I want to know.”

“Alright then. The first step is to prepare a lunch box for him. But you need to be sure to make it with a lot of love.”

“A lot of love? What do you mean by that?”

“Well, you need to include very special ingredients that can truly convey your love to him.”

“I see. And what sort of ingredients would that be?”

“Well, ingredients that only you can produce of course.”

“You mean I have to start a farm and grow the ingredients from scratch?”

How cute. What a normal answer. My malevolent smile grew even wider.

“Naive. Too naive. That’s such an immature school girl answer. You can’t truly convey your love with such a low shallow level of thinking. You need to think much deeper.”

“Deeper? How so?”

“You don’t understand? Do I really have to spell it out for you?”

“Please enlighten me, God.”

“The things that only you can produce are the things that are a part of you.”

“A part of me? I don’t understand.”

“You are far too innocent. Don’t you know what guys like the most? The thing that tastes the best for them.”

“What is that?”

“The taste of a woman.”

“A-A… woman… you say?”

“Yes. Precisely, a woman.”

“And by that, you mean?”

“Saliva is among the sweetest of nectars. Why do you think adults kiss? Because the taste of swapped saliva is irresistible.”

She blushed from ear to ear and lowered her head meekly.

“S-So I need to let him... eat me... is that what you’re saying?”

“No. At least, not right away. First, you need to let him have a sample. You need to get him gradually accustomed to what you taste like. To do so, you need to use your natural ingredients to prepare an appetizer for him to get him addicted.”

“For example, after you have prepared rice, you can add additional flavor to it simply by placing it in your mouth to marinate it in your saliva. Just spit it back out when you feel the rice has reached peak salivafication. Another example would be when you prepare chicken, you can use period blood as an additional seasoning. You can also use the fluids you expel from your body after an orgasm as well. There’s nothing to fear or be embarrassed about, many women add such secret ingredients to improve the flavor of the food they cook for the man they love. It’s just an unspoken secret many women keep to themselves.”

“S-S-Shameless! God is shameless!”

“Shameless? Hmph. Such an innocent child. If you want to lose out to all the other women in the world taking advantage of these powerful secrets, you’ll always remain an unloved loser.”

“Innocent… child… a-an unloved loser?”

“Yes. You need to grow up if you want to stand a chance in the complex world of adults.”

“I… see… i-is there anything else I should be aware of?”

“There are many things.”

“There’s really more?”

“Yes, of course there are. You can’t expect things to be this easy, can you?”

“Two more natural ingredients created by your body are urine and feces. Don’t underestimate the power of these ingredients. When making desserts, a woman’s feces is an ingredient every man is willing to die for. Feces is a very deep topic as there are so many different potential textures, shapes, and levels of moisture. Be it runny or solid, there are entire branches of studies dedicated to the use of feces in food. You will need to study long and hard to master them. The same can be said for urine. Everything depends on the sorts of things you ingest. The body is a miraculous thing after all. It can produce infinite possibilities when creating these two miracle ingredients.”

“It sounds... really deep, God.”

“Of course it is. You will need to research long and hard what sort of foods when ingested yield the most delectable kinds of piss and shit.”

“I understand.”

I slammed the table with a fist in rage, “You understand? Naive! Too naive! You can’t possibly understand the depth and profundity of such a topic after the insignificant amount of knowledge I’ve imparted upon you.”

She whimpered back in her chair and said, “I’m sorry for my ignorance, God.”

I shook my head from side to side and said, “Haaaaaaaah. No, I’m sorry too. It’s not your fault. You’re still young and green and I lost my temper a bit.”

“Anyway, once you’ve mastered these ingredients you’ve only reached the starting line. There are still a lot of other ingredients that your body can produce. Hair being another best of a subject. Depending on where you collect hair from it makes a big difference. Be it your legs, arms, underarms, ass, pubes, or head. They all have their own unique taste to them. There are also different methods to use them in the preparation steps. You could chop it up into a fine powder and add it to the dish. Or you can wrap them around ingredients and then use other ingredients in conjunction to allow the hair fibers to break down naturally allowing them to really permeate and diffuse through the other ingredients.”

“Dead skin is also another ingredient that can be used. Just like with hair it changes in taste depending on where you get it from. Heels, feet, chest, ass, crotch, mouth, nose, forehead, back. They all bring new things to the table. Even your nails can be turned into a powder for another ingredient. The gunk that collects beneath your nails as well. Your mucus, sweat, tears. Everything. Absolutely everything you can think of. Even the fat from your body which you can extract through liposuction or your appendix which can be removed. If you bear that man’s child, the placenta is considered a unique delicacy heralded by many a man as the finest of culinary creations.”

“Amazing. Women really have so many secret ingredients?”

“Yes, child. Yes, they do.” Hahaha. Do I feel bad? Not at all. I’d love to see how that normie God deals with her if she returns for more advice after this. He’ll definitely regret that he complained about his clients being too normal.

“Now after you’ve created a dish you are truly satisfied with, you still need to give it to the guy you’re interested in. To do this is also pretty simple. You just need to tell him a teacher requested for him to see him during lunchtime. You can lead the way. Just bring him to a closed-off isolated area where he won’t be able to escape. Bring a taser with you as well. When you’re alone together zap him with the taser. You can then tie him up and restrain him so he can’t escape. Don’t worry, guys actually love when women do this sort of thing.” 

“When he regains consciousness he might lash out, but don’t fear, he’s just playing hard to get. He’s just unable to admit he’s enjoying it.  You can then feed him the meal you prepared him. You’ll look like a lovey-dovey couple this way.”

When I said she’d be feeding him, she appeared slightly bashful while fiddling with her fingers and hair, but she continued to eagerly listen.

“He might resist eating the meal, but don’t be afraid, he’s just a bit embarrassed. After he finishes eating your meal you can reveal all the love you put into making it. He will be so overjoyed and moved he may burst into tears. Due to his tears being so intense and because of how moved he is he might accidentally lose control over his body and regurgitate the food he ate. Don’t panic, you just need to be prepared and have a bucket handy.”

“Collect it all inside the bucket and you can start feeding him again. This is actually how guys enjoy the food prepared by the person they love the most, best. Nice and soupy. He might show a disgusted face, but the more disgusted he looks, the more he’s actually enjoying it.”

“Really?”

“Yes, of course. A lot of guys are tsunderes after all.”

“Tsunderes? I’ve heard of that before.”

“The more these sorts of people they act like they don’t like something, the more they actually like it.”

“I see!”

“Now once that is over with and you have fed him with the meal you prepared with all your love, you can proceed to the real stuff.”

“The real stuff?”

“Yes, everything up to this point was just the appetizer to lure him in. Now that he has sampled you and you’ve gotten him hooked, you need to strip his clothes while he is still restrained and allow him to directly eat you, the main course. That will truly allow your love to come to fruition.”

“I understand, God. Thank you for teaching me so much. I never imagined there were so many things that we’ve not been taught in school. To think adults were so deep.”

“Yes, they truly are deep, child. You must work hard from here on. If you do, you’re sure to snag the heart of the man you have set your sights on.” Hahahaha. I’m sure he’ll be shitting his pants in fear. That normie God too. I wonder how he’s doing after getting a taste of my client’s fucked up problems.

After I’d imparted so many profound secrets upon her, she left with visible excitement on her face and great hope toward her future love life. As for what happened to that guy, I couldn’t care less for normie studs who were popular and surrounded by the ladies. If he wanted to blame anyone for his misfortune, he could only blame the dumbass normie God for boasting to me about how normal his clients were.

Content after blessing the world with such a wonderful gift, I kicked back and eagerly awaited the normie God’s next client to corrupt. I’m not done with him, if I have to suffer defective waifus, that smug normie God definitely has to suffer in the future too.