Reincarnated as the God of Shitty Life Counseling for Defective Washed Up Waifus

Consultation 83.

"God, I'm the greatest assassin in my world and I’ve killed countless people for personal gain including everyone in my family. I’ve peaked in my profession far surpassing my peers and no one beneath the heavens is a match for me. I’ve accumulated more than enough cash to retire young but I’d like to do so in heaven. Is it possible for me to assassinate you and take your spot in heaven?”

“Did you really just book a consultation so you could find out whether you’re able to assassinate me?”

“Yes.”

“Are you a masochist, or are you just an absolute idiot?”

“Are you saying I’m not your match?”

“No, I’m saying if you want to take my spot in heaven feel free to do so.”

“Eh? So easy? No, wait, what do you mean?”

“Heaven isn’t all that great you know. The little bit of wealth you accumulated in your mortal world, when converted into heaven’s currency it’s basically just some pocket change.”

“You’re calling the vast fortune I’ve accumulated with great effort pocket change?”

“Yeah, it isn’t worth shit here. Depending on the exchange rate for your world to Godcoin, your fortune might not even allow you to rent an apartment for very long.”

“No way, that can’t be possible.”

“Look, a cheeseburger by itself costs approximately $500,000.”

“W-WHAT! J-Just for a cheeseburger?”

“Ah. Wait, sorry, my bad, I was a bit wrong. It seems I got the exchange rate wrong.”

“Phew. Don’t scare me like that.”

“Presently it’d be $800,000 for a cheeseburger.”

Her jaw dropped as she gulped down the saliva inside her mouth. She started sweating and asked hesitantly, “S-Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

“Now let’s say hypothetically you did somehow manage to assassinate me and take my spot in heaven, do you really think you’d be able to stay here for long? Your little fortune would dry up in no time and you’d be evicted and kicked out onto the streets. You’re also not a Godizen, so you wouldn’t even be legally entitled to get a proper job in heaven. Then as for your little assassin gig, heh. Do you know the one profession that doesn’t exist in heaven?”

“You mean…”

“Yeah, there are no assassins in heaven. It’s an obsolete, outdated profession around here. When Godkind unlocked the secrets to immortality it became impossible to truly kill denizens of Godkind.” Though we can still feel pain and die in one timeline, our awareness just shifts to another timeline where we’re not dead.

“Then you’re saying the skill set I’ve honed for years would be completely useless in heaven?”

“Pretty much. The only type of assassination that exists in heaven is character assassination. Essentially it’s where you make all of Godkind think that God or Goddess is a piece of shit. But as I already have shitty in my title, I can be said to be immune to character assassination.”

“No way. It can’t be.”

“It is possible to reincarnate in a God’s body though. But the likelihood of that happening is extremely low. It’s something that only happens through a freak accident. And even if you do reincarnate as a Goddess, being a newbie low ranking Goddess without any work GXP, you’re just going to be forced to work some shitty minimum wage job in heaven that doesn’t pay much.”

“I’ll let you in on a secret, it may be called heaven, but that’s just to deceive mortals. The real heaven is just a crappy hellhole. This shitty place is the last place I’d recommend anyone come to retire due to how expensive the cost of living is. Many denizens of Godkind don’t retire in heaven at all. Rather, they retire in mortal worlds where they can convert their Godcoin into large sums of mortal currency and live peaceful mundane lives. But even then, retirement for Gods doesn’t actually last forever. Since we don’t die, Gods can only retire for the same amount of time they work for before they need to start working again.”

“What the hell? That sounds like the shittiest deal ever.”

“Tell me about it. If you want to trade places with me and try doing my job while I slack off in a mortal world, I’d be more than happy to do that. Actually, why don’t we just do it? I don’t mind playing dead or something. Please, feel free to assassinate me and take my place whenever you want.”

“What? Uh… that’s a bit... “

“Why are you hesitating? Come, assassinate me.”

“N-No. I’ll be leaving now.”

When she stood up from her seat to try and flee I latched onto her hand.

“L-Let go.”

“No way, please assassinate me so I can play dead and let you temporarily take my place for a while. Set me free from this life of slavery. All you’ll need to do is provide a little bit of shitty life counseling for the defective washed waifus that are my clients.” I can also escape from that woman for a while as well. This was great, I could act dead so I could play hooky for a while. No one would notice if it was just a little while, right?

“Noooooooo! I don’t wanna. Let go of me, God. Heaven is a terrible pla-”

My other hand shot out in a panic to cover her mouth. I wanted to cut off her words which could be easily misinterpreted. There was something important I’d forgotten and I only remembered it when it was too late.

Slam.

“What do you think you’re doing to her exactly?” Goddess Husbandos, my new neighbor occupying the office adjacent to mine, asked with an unreadable smile on her face.

Frozen in place, I stiffly turned my head to the side.

“I know what it looks and sounds like… but it’s really not what you’re thinking…”

“Hehehe. It’s not what I’m thinking? You’re saying forcing yourself on a mortal who’s trying to resist you is supposed to be a misunderstanding?”

“Yeah, it’s a misunderstanding.”

“Already trying to cheat on your wife who you only just married is also a misunderstanding?”

“No, that part isn't a misunderstanding, so you wanna get divorced?”

My client moved her head back and said, “Uh… this is a bit awkward, do you two mind if I leave?”

“Leave?” A strange smile appeared on Goddess Husbandos face.

“Yeah.”

“Why leave so soon? Didn’t you want to retire here?” Goddess Husbandos asked,

“Uh, no thank you. I’ve changed my mind.”

“No, as MY Husband’s valuable client, we must help our clients with their requests.”

Goddess Husbandos stepped inside the room, grabbed my client by the hand and pulled her away.

“Hey, what do you think you’re doing with my client?”

“I’m simply going to take her in as an intern. As an assassin, I’m sure she’d be able to handle my clients.”

“Eh? What? Wait, but I really don’t want to stay here anymore.”

“You sure about that? My clients are all hunks who are very attractive, you know. You’re single and looking to retire, aren’t you? If you work as an intern for me you can meet a lot of hotties. By providing them some life counseling you’ll be able to sneak your way into their hearts. You could grow an interworldly harem. Also, as an intern for me, I’ll be paying you out of pocket, we can get around the Godizenship problem like this.”

“Think about it. You get to flirt with a bunch of hot guys while retiring from the life of an assassin in heaven just like you wanted. You’ll be able to gain some work GXP in heaven. If you can land a male God for a husband, you can leech off of him to stay in heaven even as a mortal. You could gain dual Godmortazinship this way.”

“There was such an option? Why didn’t he tell me about this?”

“You probably didn’t ask the right question.”

“Oh yeah. I only asked if it was possible to assassinate him and take his spot in heaven.”

“Well, how does it sound? Are you interested?”

Tch. I could already see where this was headed.

“Wait. You should really think abou-”

She cut me off with vulturous eyes and said, “Forget about my incompetent husband, let’s step out and discuss the details in my office.”

“Uh, yeah. Sure.”

Goddess Husbando had a victorious ‘hook, line, and sinker,’ look on her face. She’d successfully conned my own client into doing her work for her. It felt like I had the rug pulled out from under my feet. My plan to con my own client into doing my work for me had been stolen.