Reincarnated as the God of Shitty Life Counseling for Defective Washed Up Waifus

Consultation 82.

That awful marriage game was finally over. I still had one more game to take part in, but that would be left for another day. After I’m done with that one, I will never, absolutely NEVER go on another Japanese game show again.

Haaaaaah. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

The worst part of it all… I’m now somehow married now and there’s nothing I can do to get out of it.

My gaze slowly raised up from the desk and I saw the dreadful pink-haired Goddess seated across from me. My first thought when I saw her was, ‘I want to die.’

I had to think of something. Anything. There had to be a way to escape this arrangement.

While I was contemplating and internally weighing my options, she suddenly broke the awkward silence permeating through the room and asked, “Hey, God, would you like dinner? A shower? Or wa-ta-shi... to stab you?” She tilted her head to one side with a crooked, visibly uncomfortable, grin on her face. Her hand instinctively shot out toward me the instant she cringed after she said ‘me’ in Japanese.

I narrowly avoided a hole through my head by tilling it to the side.

“If you’re going to cringe from it, then don’t say it.”

“I couldn’t help it. That Japanese game show got to me a bit and I had an urge to try it once. It was far worse than I expected. Shivers ran down my back and I even have goosebumps now.”

“Can you please leave now before I really get stabbed?”

“What? Why? I booked a consultation with you. Right now I’m your client.”

“What do you want?”

“How do I be a good wife?”

“By doing as you’re told and divorcing me.”

“It seems I won’t be able to be a good wife in that case.”

“It seems that way.”

“What sort of woman in your ideal type?”

“I thought I’ve long made this pretty obvious. It’s the type that doesn’t stab me.”

She didn’t bat an eye and asked another question like she didn’t hear my response. “How many kids do you want in the future?”

“None. Heaven doesn’t need any more entitled snot-nosed brats.”

“I guess that’s true. We don’t die so there really isn’t much of a need to have kids.”

“Where do you see yourself in five trillion years?”

“Doing this shitty life counseling gig. Wait, why do I feel like I’m doing a job interview?”

“What do you do in your free time outside of work?”

“Don’t just ignore me and continue with your interrogation.”

“Haha. Sorry, I don’t really know what to talk about. I’ve never been married before. What exactly do married couples actually talk about anyway? I mean I talk to defective husbandos all the time, but I don’t think murder, torture, or degenerate sexual acts would be something married couples typically talk about for some normal everyday chit-chat.”

“They don’t? What the hell do they talk about then?” I was baffled when I heard her analysis of what married couples don’t talk about. 

Ah. I somehow felt like I might have known a long time ago… but now… I’m not so sure.

I made the suggestion, “Why don’t we part ways for now and do some research? We can probe our clients to find out what sort of topics they talk about with their significant other.”

“You sure that would work? You and I both know our clients aren’t normal, they’re all defective goods.”

“That may be true, but maybe they at least know how to have normal conversations outside of their degenerate problems.”

Her eyes suddenly lit up as she blurted out, “Wait a minute, I have the perfect solution to solve this problem.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. It’s pretty simple.”

“And what exactly is this simple solution you’ve thought of?”

She smiled an, ‘it’s your problem now’ smile and asked, “God, what should I talk to my husband about to get him to love me?”

“...”

My lips formed a wide flat line as I squinted my eyes into small slits. Of all the problems I’ve been given, why is it this normal question completely out of left field the hardest one I’ve ever been tasked with?

“Well, God?”

What a woman would have to talk to me about for me to fall in love with her? How the hell would I know something like that?

“Could it be you’re so bad at your job you can’t even solve this simple problem for your valuable client?”

“Shut up. Why don’t I book a consultation with you and ask you the exact same question? What would my wife need to talk to me about for me to fall in love with her? Can you answer that? Please do show me the light if you’re so amazing, Goddess Husbandos.”

She waved her index finger from side to side and said, “No no no. You can’t do that. I’ve already booked my consultation and I can’t possibly leave until you solve my problem.” She interlocked her fingers together, with her elbows resting on top of the desk, she propped her chin up atop the bridge formed by her fingers. She leaned forward a bit, her lips arched ever so slightly up. Her eyes were fully open and locked onto my own. She tilted her head to one side and her long waist-length pink hair fell forward over her shoulder.

“Are you trying to seduce me right now? It’s not going to work.”

“I’m not trying at all. If you think I’m trying to seduce you, it just means you’re having dirty thoughts and want to be seduced by me.”

“Bullshit. I don’t buy it.”

“It doesn’t matter whether you buy it or not. Now, God, why don’t you answer my question?”

My eyes turned to tranquility as I exhaled out a long breath and said, “Haaaaah. If you really want to know... it’s not really that difficult.”

“Talking... is actually the last thing your husband wants to do. Your husband already has to talk too much as part of his job. You don’t really need to talk to your husband about anything in particular. Rather, he prefers his peace and quiet. Your husband would rather have a wife who doesn’t constantly nag him about every little thing. He’s content as long as his wife is there for him at the end of the day after a long day at work. Cheap, empty, shallow words aren’t necessary to make your husband fall in love with you. As they say, actions speak louder than words. Too many words will only have the opposite effect of what you’re trying to achieve.”

“Hmmmmm. So despite my husband’s occupation that requires him to constantly talk to people, you’re telling me he’s actually a man of few words?”

“You could say that.”

“So you’re discretely trying to tell me to not bug my husband at work and book any more consultations with him if I want him to fall in love with me?”

“Yeah. Your husband wouldn’t fall in love with one of his clients. All his clients are defective after all. Would you want your husband to classify you as being at the same level of his defective clientele?”

“I suppose that’s true. In that case, I guess I’ll just need to move into the vacant office next to my husband’s.”

“Wait! Didn’t you hear anything I just said?”

“Of course I did. I need to quietly remain by his side. Thus, wouldn’t moving into the vacant office beside his be the best option if I wish to do that?”

“No way! You’re misunderstan-”

Screech.

She stood up pushing her chair back in the process while cutting me off and said, “Anyway, thank you, God. I’ll need to be on my way now to start moving into the office next to my husband’s.” 

She headed to the door as I called out again, “Wai-”

I was interrupted again, “Oh yeah, I forget to mention, I already have the keys to your place so you don’t need to make a spare one for me. I’ll be moving in with you since we’re married now. See you later, God.”

Slam.

“How the hell do you have the keys to my place!”

With the door slamming shut behind her on the way out, my words fell on deaf ears. When the door closed in front of me, I felt all my hopes and dreams for a peaceful future gradually dissipate into nothingness. I took a peek into the infinitely branching timelines from here on out for my future and immediately despaired at what I saw. She was now a part of all of them. Honestly, it would’ve been better if I hadn’t looked.

Damn it... I had to find a way to create a new branching timeline where I remained single for life. But with a Goddess for a wife in the picture, that’d be a pretty difficult task. Marriage was extremely complicated in heaven, it intertwined and crossed all your future timelines together with your partner’s.

The only way I knew of to create a branch where I was single was divorce, but even then due to entanglement she’d still remain in half my timelines. Ugh. Do I have no choice but to give up?

Screw it... I’ll figure it out later. I don’t want to think about it anymore, it’s too depressing. 

Marriage is a trap.