Reincarnated as the God of Shitty Life Counseling for Defective Washed Up Waifus

Consultation 67.

“God, how do I make a time machine to go back in time and have sex with dinosaurs?”

I sighed disinterestedly and asked, “Are you stupid? Or just extremely stupid?”

“What do you mean? Are you saying I can’t go back in time to have sex with dinosaurs and that there’s something wrong with me for wanting to do so?”

“There’s nothing particularly wrong with it. You just want to have sex with dinosaurs, time travel is just a means to accomplish your objective, right?” Wait, did I just say there’s nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with dinosaurs? Did my expectations for the crazy sorts of shit these defective women want to do rise too high?

“Well, yeah, I naturally wouldn’t be here talking to you if that wasn’t the case.”

“Why do you need to go through all the extra effort to make a time machine just to have sex with dinosaurs?” More like, why do I even entertain these sorts of low-level degenerate requests? Wait, low-level. No, these are dinosaurs, dinosaurs! … no matter how I try to hype myself up over it, it just feels lackluster compared to some of the other requests prior clients have asked me.

“Obviously because dinosaurs don’t exist in the present. God, could it be you’re trying to gently break the news to me that creating a time machine to accomplish my goal is impossible?”

“I’m not saying time travel to have sex with dinosaurs is impossible, it’s just that there’s a much easier way than to go back in time, you idiot.”

“Oh, and what would that be?”

“Just reverse engineer the genetic code for the dinosaurs you want to fuck the most then make a clone using the reverse-engineered DNA, duh. Once you do that, you can even fuck all the weird abominations you create in the process. This way you also don’t have to worry about being eaten alive since you can raise them in a controlled environment. If you go back to the past, you’re not going to have that leisure and you’ll have to go to extreme lengths just to capture the dinosaur.”

“It would also take you much more time to create a time machine than it would take you to reverse engineer the genetic code for dinosaurs and clone them.”

“Oh! I didn’t consider that at all. God, this is a great suggestion. For the longest time, I’d been so obsessed with using time travel to solve my problem that I never even considered this possibility. I always thought my dream of getting pounded by dinosaurs was an impossible one, but now that I’ve heard God’s words I’m sure I can be fucked by what no woman has ever been fucked by before.”

“Oh, I have another question, God.”

“What is it now?” I asked in slight annoyance.

“God, do you happen to know what dinosaur cock tastes like?”

“Wrinkly old men.”

“What? Really? Have you tasted it before?”

“Of course not, you moron!”

“What’s the texture like?”

“Dry and flaky.”

“You have tried it, haven’t you?”

“No I haven’t! I’m God, I just know these things, you got that?”

“Eh~ and here I thought I found a fellow comrade-in-arms or senior who’d journeyed down the profoundly deep path of blowing a dinosaur.”

“I haven’t, nor will I ever embark down the path of your degenerate fetishes.” I started massaging my forehead with the palm of my hand.

“Haaaah. For a God, you sure don’t know what you’re missing out on. I guess God’s are only at that level after all.”

“Please leave now, you Dinothotus bitch in heat.”

“That’s quite a nice name actually. Dinothotus, I think I’ll name my dinosaur child that. Thank you for the wonderful name, God. I’ll be sure to raise my future child, Dinothotus, well.”

“I know your child will be an abomination, but at the very least, please give the poor kid a decent name damn it!”