Reincarnated as the God of Shitty Life Counseling for Defective Washed Up Waifus

Consultation 66.

“What’s up?”

“What the hell are you doing here again?”

“I came for a consultation of course.”

“A consultation… why am I finding that hard to believe?”

“Because you’re a hard ass.”

“No, it’s because of the sleeved deck of cards you nonchalantly put down on my desk.”

“Oh, where ever did these cards come from? I didn’t even realize when they got here.”

“Cut the crap, what did you book this consultation for?”

“I’m bored. I wanted someone to face me in a duel in the shadow realm.”

“Scram, I’ve got actual work to do.”

“This is your work. Since it’s my consultation you have to fulfill my request. God Waifus, I want to duel you. Do you accept?”

“No.”

“Well too bad, you don’t have a choice in the matter.”

She pushed the deck of sleeved cards across the table in front of me and took out her own deck.

“I said no.”

“Come on, just face me in one duel and I promise to leave you alone.”

“You mean that?”

“Yeah, I swear.”

“By the way what card game is this?”

“Duel Monsters: Election Edition.”

“Hah? Are you trying to get me fired? You’ve brought a taboo banned game in heaven into this consultation and are actually asking me to play it while on the job?”

“Relax, no one’s going to find out. It’s just one game. One game isn’t going to hurt anyone.”

“Ugh… whatever, let’s just get this over with.”

“You know how to play? We’re using the OG base cards. Just politicians, spell, and trap cards. None of that link, pendulum, xyz, or synchro politician bullshit, it just makes things too complicated. First turns also take too damn long and it becomes no fun.”

“Sure. I’m totally fine with none of that Sanders-Biden Synchro or Haris-Sanders-Biden XYZ crap.”

“Yeah, but there’s still fusion versions of them.”

“I see. But keeping it simple is best.”

I took up the cards she’d given me and inspected the deck.

“This deck is kind of meh. Mind if I add in a few cards of my own?”

“You actually have some?”

“I’m a God masterful in the ways of asspulling, do you really think I can’t asspull some cards into existence?”

“Fine, go ahead then. There’s no way you’ll beat my deck though.”

“We’ll just have to see about that.”

Once I fixed the deck to suit my personal tastes we placed our decks down and faced each other with deadly serious expressions on our faces.

“Rock, paper, scissors. Shoot.”

In the instant where our hands descended our hand gestures changed millions of times between the three options as we tried to fake each other out. In the end, I crushed her scissors with rock and went first.

“Then, for my first turn, I will place one card face down defense position and two cards face down. End turn.”

“Hahaha. That’s all you can do? Naive, do you really think you can defeat me with such a weak opening move? I summon Clinton and activate the spell card, Russiagate, increasing her attack by 500 points to 1900 attack points. My Clinton attacks your face down defense position monster.”

“Hehe. Sorry, but you’ve made a grave mistake. You’ve unleashed my trump card, Trump’s first form: Candidate.”

“Do you not understand how this game works? Can’t you see your politician only has 1800 defense points? It’s clearly not enough to survive Clinton’s attack.”

“Sorry, but your Clinton is no match for Trump’s first form: Candidate’s secret weapon. By attacking, you’ve allowed me to activate my trap card, Clinton Email Leak Scandal! If a politician with Trump in their name is designated as the target of an attack by a politician with Clinton in their name, I can banash Clinton to the shadow realm.”

“Nani! Masaka!”

“You fucking weeb, please keep your mouth shut.”

“What? Don’t be a buzzkill. Just go along with it.”

“Just shut up and let’s get this over with.”

“Ugh. I end my turn…”

“Good. I change Trump's first form: Candidate into attack position and summon Pence to the field. I place one more card face down. I now enter my battle phase. Trump’s first form: Candidate attacks your credibility points directly.”

“Kuh! To think I’d allow you to draw first blood. What a blunder. But I won’t let things end easily for you.”

She’d dropped down to 6800 credibility points but showed no sign of giving up.

“I end my turn.”

“I summon Sanders and activate the spell card, Communism Disguised as Socialism! It allows me to summon four mindless sheep tokens to the field. Each token on my side of the field gives Sanders 500 attack points. I now enter my battle phase. Sanders attacks Pence.”

“Not so fast, I activate my trap card, Capitalism! Capitalism allows me to steal one of your mindless tokens and bring it to my side of the field. Thus reducing Sander’s attack to 1500, lower than Spence's 1600.”

“Not so fast, I chain your trap card and activate my continuous trap card, COVID-19 1st phase. It allows me to reduce the attack of all monsters on the field by half. However, because Sander’s original attack is 0, his attack doesn’t drop since his attack isn’t directly his own and is gained from the mindless sheep.”

“Nu uh, you can’t do that, that’s cheating. Don’t try this technicality bullshit with me.”

“Too bad. I already did it.”

“Whatever, I’m still in the lead.”

I’d only lost 700 credibility points so I was down to 7300 now.

“I end my turn.”

“Alright, the first thing I do is sacrifice the mindless sheep token and Trump’s first form: Candidate to summon Trump’s second form: President. He has 3000 attack points, 1500 hundred after the virus. However, I activate Trump’s second form: President’s special effect. When this card is on the field and undergoes a viral infection, you may add one Country’s Full Medical Resources card to your hand. I now activate Country’s Full Medical Resources on Trump’s second form: President. This grants Trump’s second form: President immunity to the virus and he no longer is affected by your COVID-19 1st phase continuous trap card.”

“What! How could you possibly have that card? It’s so rare.”

“Hmmph. You’re just a frog at the bottom of a well. To try and compete with me was your greatest mistake.”

“We’ll see about that.”

“I enter my battle phase. Trump’s second form: President attacks your Sanders.”

“Kuh!”

She lost 1500 credibility points, only 5300 remained.

“Hehehe. You’ve greatly underestimated me. I summon Haris to the field and sacrifice two of my three mindless sheep tokens to special summon Biden’s second form: Former Vice President to the field. I also activate the special effect of my remaining mindless sheep token. When it is the last sheep token on my side of the field I can send it to the graveyard to bring one Sanders back to the field in face up attack position.”

“But that’s not all, I now use Polymerization to fuse all three politicians on the field to summon Biden’s third form: Bobblehead Pushover. With a staggering 4500 attack points, your Trump’s second form: President doesn’t stand a chance. But wait, I’m not done just yet. I activate the spell card, Election! This allows both of us to discard our hands and draw five cards from our deck no matter how many cards we discarded. I now activate the spell card Mail In Ballots. If a COVID-19 1st phase continuous trap card is on the field it allows me to advance it to a COVID-19 2nd phase continuous trap card. This allows me to double the attack of all politicians on my side the field while keeping your side of the field at half attack power. Though it may not affect your immune Trump, my Biden still has more attack points than you.”

“Uh, well this is kind of bullshit. But wait, not so fast, I chain activate the quick play spell card from my hand, MAGA! This allows me to reinvigorate any Trump cards on my field and double their attack power.”

“Hah? And so what if you double your attack power. My Biden is at 9000 while yours is only at 6000.”

“Hehehe, not so fast. I chain activate the trap card, Hunter-Biden Email Scandal, this reduces the attack of any politician with the name Biden in it by 3000 attack points. We’re now evenly matched.”

“Kuh. Damn you and your never-ending scandal trap cards. I place two cards face down and end my turn.”

“Well then, I place three cards face down and activate Pot of Greed.” I drew two cards.

“I activate a second Pot of Greed.” I drew two more cards.

“I activate a third Pot of Greed.” And another two.

“What the hell is this bullshit! That card should be banned.”

“Bite me, I don’t care.”

“I now activate the continuous trap card House of Representatives Snatch. Once per turn I can roll a die and the number it lands on determines the number of House of Representatives seats I can steal.”

I rolled the die without hesitation and it landed on five.

“Great, by stealing 5 House of Representatives seats my Trump card can gain 500 attack points for each seat stolen. His attack now stands at 8500.”

“Not so fast, I activate the trap card Face Masks. When my politician has less attack points than the strongest politician on my opponent’s side of the field, this trap card allows my Biden to gain 2500 attack points by equipping face masks.”

“What the actual fuck?”

“It seems we’re still at a standoff, however, I chain activate my trap card to summon Obama to the field. When Obama is summoned to the field he can activate Speech to bash any Trump cards on my opponent’s side of the field, lowering their attack by 1000.”

“Not so fast, I activate my own trap card, Republican Senate Majority, this allows me to gain 3000 attack points.”

“Naniiiiiiiii!”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Hehehe. Sorry, couldn’t help it.”

“With my Trump at 10500 attack points and your Biden at 8500 he is no match. But I’m not done yet, I activate the spell card Election Day Trump Blowout. This raises Trump’s attack by another 2000 attack points. I now enter my battle phase. Trump attacks your Biden.”

“Kuh. I activate my trap card, The Mail In Ballots Have Not Been Counted Yet! Though I still lose credibility points, my Biden does not get destroyed as a result of battle.”

“What! Just give up already!”

“Never! I will fight to my dying breath even if it means I have to make some underhanded moves to turn this around.”

“Tch. You’ve got 1600 credibility points left, what are you even going to do with such low credibility?”

“Just wait and you’ll see.”

“Fine, I end my turn.”

“Great, now that it’s my turn I activate the spell card Changing the Rules of the Election.”

“What? What the hell is that card?”

“States can now count mail-in ballots that arrive regardless of whether they have postmarks on them.”

“Wait, what the fuck kind of bullshit is that?”

“If my opponent has used Election Day Trump Blowout it allows my Biden to gain 1000 attack points every time it changes to my turn. I now activate Swords of Revealing Lawsuits. If my opponent has three Lawsuit spell cards in their deck, hand, or field, I can force them to the field and activate them. With this, we are not able to attack each other while Swords of Revealing Lawsuit is on the field. Every turn that passes during the battle phase I must flip a coin, if you guess right on your turn, then your lawsuits succeed and you can destroy my Swords of Revealing Lawsuits and attack. If I guess wrong on my turn, then the Swords of Revealing Lawsuit is destroyed, your lawsuits succeed, and your Trump can launch an attack. But if you guess wrong on your turn, you must immediately end your turn.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Of course not. I’m dead serious. I end my turn.

“This is bullshit and you know it.”

“So what?”

“Tch. Fine. I enter my battle phase. Heads.”

She flipped the coin and it landed on heads.

I was forced to end my turn.

“Tails.”

It landed on tails for her.

I went again and was wrong.

“You’re cheating, right?”

“I’m not cheating, it’s just flipping a coin.”

“Let me flip the coin then.”

“What? No way, the card says I flip the coin, not you.”

“Tch. Fine, I may not be able attack, but I can still raise my attack to keep stalling for time. I activate the spell card, Twitter. Each turn Trump can’t attack, he gains 1000 attack points.”

“I see you’re in this for the long run.”

“I enter my battle phase. Heads.”

“Sorry, too bad, it’s tails.”

“Tch. Haaaaah. I end my turn.”

“I activate the spell card, Social Distancing. Poll watchers are forced to stay far back when observing votes being counted. Your Trump loses 2000 attack points.”

“It seems like this will go on forever unless I can draw my ultimate card.”

“What! You have a card stronger than Trump’s second form: President! How can that even be possible!”

“Hmmph! It’s a secret card with only one copy ever released and it belongs to me! It is called Trump’s third form: Two Term President! Heart of the cards, guide me!”

I drew my next card dramatically to my side. I then turned it toward me and immediately frowned when I saw it.

“Tch. Fucking heart of the cards, I said guide me, not cuck me.”

Like this, we kept going back and forth powering up and weakening our politicians. Days went by without any conclusive result. It was a battle of the century where we exchanged blow for blow. But in the end, the three Lawsuit cards forced out onto the field by her were drawn out forever.

Some legends say Trump eventually won the battle in the end while others said Biden won. Only the two of us knew the truth though. Neither of us won. It was a huge loss for both sides. We got tired of there being no result and called it a draw. Despite Biden’s constantly increasing attack points, the lawsuits on the field kept him in check while the Swords of Revealing Lawsuits never went away.