RE: Filthy Gamer in Narutoverse

Hentai Shinobi Rule 41: Dibs don't matter to a Hentai Shinobi; only rizz does.

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Mikoto fought back a blush as she felt a tough, calloused palm atop the back of her hands as they touched something warm and wet. Her breath hitched as a calm and curious voice slipped past the dark covers of her shut eyes.

"Do you feel it now?"

She did.

It was warm as it entered.

"I do," Mikoto whispered, afraid a louder tone might make Tsunade, who probably observed from a distance, notice something.

"It's finally in, dattebane!" Kushina squeaked, leaving Mikoto wondering what expression her red-haired partner-in-crime revealed. It must be an exhilarating one. However, it wasn't time to spread her focus. The Uchiha heiress wanted to experience every second of the sensation as it slid past the damp, clenching crevices.

"Why does it twitch so much?" The redhead questioned.

"Duh." That was all the response the duo heard as their link broke, leaving the girls reluctant as they opened their eyes.

As usual, the room felt brighter the first few moments after they opened their eyes. They weren't in Tsunade's office, but they stood in one of the training facilities with desks neatly lined up in several rows and columns. However, only Team 9 occupied the room at the moment. Morning sunlight filtered through the windows, letting a peculiar beam of light on the hand Mikoto never expected to be calloused enough as she hurriedly pulled it back before gazing at the twitching fish on the table—above a sealing scroll of peculiar nature.

She wasn't alone as Kushina also pulled her hands back, instantly gazing at the youth standing between their desks.

"What are you looking at me for?" the brunette youth narrowed his eyes. "Do you want your fish to die for real? Toss it in the bucket."

"Hmph," Kushina snorted, unable to meet his gaze. "I know!"

"I was just about to do that," Mikoto responded with an equally annoyed tone as Kai shrugged and snapped his fingers. "Now, continue the practice without my help."

With that, Kai sauntered to Tsunade's desk, which she leaned against with arms crossed under her chest instead of sitting in her seat, allowing Kai to sit on the instructor's chair. The sight made the two girls scoff under their breaths as they waited for Tsunade to tear the boy a new one—again. They almost believed Kai loved getting beat up by their Sensei, given how he tried pushing her buttons.

So, they turned sideways to pick a shorter, fist-sized scroll from the stacked pile beside them before unfurling it on the already opened length of the scroll present on their tables. Unlike a regular sealing scroll, the scrolls from the hospital had a strange seal painted on their surface. Aside from the markings and fuin scribbles, the seal took a circular print with four lines intersecting from the four cardinal directions. This scroll was used to practice one of the core techniques that formed the foundation of Iryo Ninjutsu—issued to every Iryo Ninjutsu aspirant. This item was strictly accounted for and could not be taken out of the hospital.

So, Kushina and Mikoto released another fish before planting their hands on top of the near-death creature and focused by releasing their chakra into the seal.

They knew mastering Mystic Palms would be one of the more challenging tasks of the year. However, the two girls underestimated the intensity of the herculean problem even before mastering the jutsu—learning it.

It's been over 2 months since they began practicing the bare minimum of the jutsu and failed daily. It was one thing to fail, but their progress had been laughable despite Tsunade's reassurance that even the best took nearly 2-3 months to grasp the rudimentary understanding of the technique, sometimes 5 months. So, the subject of their frustration, like always, was the youth sitting on Tsunade's chair with a haughty expression and his legs folded on the table.

Surely, Tsunade was going to set him straight, right?

Mikoto glanced at Kai before turning to Tsunade. She noticed the blonde's dazed expression, as Team 9's Sensei wasn't paying attention to the duo but was lost in her thoughts.

"Sensei?" As expected, Kai noticed that, too. So, he called out. "Why don't you take the day off? I'll happily substitute you for teaching them Mystic Palms."

It annoyed Mikoto to no end. Sure, she understood the height of her talent and realized she would eventually grasp the technique by being diligent. However, Kai's sarcasm wasn't helpful! Gosh, if only she got her hands on dem cheeks. The Uchiha was sure that the frustratedly growling Uzumaki shared similar sentiments.

Still, Tsunade surprised everyone by nodding.

"Sure. Knock yourself out. Mikoto, you're in charge, so make sure these two clean after themselves and return the scrolls to inventory."

After delegating the responsibilities, the blonde flickered away without wasting another second, leaving the trio slack-jawed.

Kai recovered first, grinning. "You heard her! Practice! Kukukuku. How about this? You two won't be eating ramen or dango daily for every fish you kill."

"What?!"

"You can't do that."

Mikoto kept her calm, unlike Kushina's boisterous reaction.

"Hmm," Kai mused. "Then let's change it so that you two are not allowed to call me Kai-chan."

"Fine, you're Harem-chan," Kushina scoffed.

"Let's not forget about Alpha-chan," Mikoto smirked.

Kai deadpanned.

"Saved any fish lately?"

The duo's smile dropped as their expressions darkened.

"That's what I thought. Back to work!" He snorted, transforming one of the parchments into a short whip before lashing it for the noise.

*Whap-pssshhhhhh*

"Tch," Kushina scorned. "I still can't believe it. You must have cheated."

"Focus, Kushina," Mikoto smiled. "Just because someone is more talented doesn't mean they are better. I measure greatness by height. We're taller, remember?"

"For how long?" Kai snickered with an ominous undertone. "I'll grow tall enough to have you two kiss my feet in reverence! Hehehe~!"

He paused after his giggles, surprised by the deafening silence. "What?" he complained, annoyed. "Nothing?"

"J-Just shut up! Nobody's kissing anything!" Kushina snapped.

"You have the most disgusting ideas, pervert-chan," Mikoto mumbled, her expression contorting with repulsiveness.

"Huh? It's only feet," Kai huffed. "You guys are acting like I asked you to kiss my ass or something—"

""Shut Up!""

"Fine!" Kai scoffed and retrieved his storage scroll to unseal a sealing brush and ink. His hand moved swiftly, painting the same seal used to assist in training Mystic Palms. With her back to Kai, Kushina didn't see the youth's action. However, Mikoto did, promptly questioning.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm taking a short break from practicing Mystic Palms and looking at the seal Sensei invented. I might make it better."

Ordinarily, this is the point at which Mikoto or Kushina would interject with snides of their own. However, they grew silent before focusing on the fish they needed to treat, with the girls buzzing softly.

"Good luck."

"Thanks."

<<<>>>

The same doubt had been eating away at Tsunade since she began her team's training for Mystic Palms. Those days had been rough, given how Orochimaru left the Hospital for good. She wished she could say how they met each other for drinks. However, it was a team affair, which she couldn't enjoy because of Team 6's schedule of C-rank missions. If Jiraiya happened to be in Konoha, it would usually be Team 9 away from the village.

So, it was a whole lot of lonely drinking—sometimes in her house and at other times in the nearest bar. Though, Tsunade had run into Orochimaru a few times. Those were rare occasions where the duo didn't have much to say. Greeting her former teammate became an awkward challenge since she knew little about Orochimaru's ailments. And if one secret didn't suck enough, Tsunade had been holding onto another one for a little over two months. However, she admitted it was a poorly kept secret with an even poorer execution. Heck, Tsunade was sure others, including Hiruzen, were curious why Tsunade didn't allow others to share the room with Team 9 as they practiced Mystic Palms.

'As if it would have been any better to let them train in my office or house,' she puckered her lips, feeling the smooth sake slide down her parched throat as she placed the cup on the table.

She's a grown woman, understanding there are skeletons in everyone's closet. However, secrets impacting the lives of those she cared about were tricky to work through. Not that she hadn't consulted someone wiser on the issue. Mito was the least helpful when Tsunade revealed her doubts about Kai.

'Just do what you think feels right, my ass!' Tsunade massaged her throbbing forehead. 'Grandma didn't even feign surprise about Kai. Did she know more?' The woman narrowed her amber orbs before feeling a wave of helplessness.

Something changed about Mito. Aside from revising her will, Mito wholly detached herself from Konoha and its crucial components. The aged woman didn't care about minor political changes, the gloom of war encroaching on the continent, or how Tsunade's secret might impact Kai's life. It was a daunting pill to swallow—for Tsunade to see Mito give up on life and wait for death.

It was another sore spot for Tsunade.

As if last year was any good.

Tsunade scoffed and downed more wine.

'Fuck Orochimaru!' Tsunade sniffed before sagging her shoulders. Try as she might, she did give two shits about her friend. 'I would have done it.' She realized, in a mild drunken stupor. 'I would have advocated for human experiments to help that shithead.'

Tsunade prided herself on never having implemented such experiments to advance her career as a medical expert.

Still, she would have done everything. All Orochimaru had to do was accept who she would become.

A small part of Tsunade despised Orochimaru for not doing so despite the tremendous relief all her other parts felt.

'I'm a mess,' Tsunade downed another saucer. 'No wonder Orochimaru stopped me. An alcoholic gambler going bitter after choosing the wrong things? Whoo! What a fucked up combination.'

At least she possessed self-awareness. What an incredible power it was.

It was a strength Tsunade wished upon everyone, friends and foes alike.

Speaking of self-awareness—

"What do you want?" Tsunade grunted before the man standing on the other side of the booth could enter.

Still seemingly oblivious to the bitter harshness in her voice, a blue-haired man entered the booth with a polite smile.

"It's good to see you, Tsunade," Dan greeted with a familiar compassion Tsunade once enjoyed. "Is everything okay?"

She exhaled, matching Dan's gaze for a few seconds before scoffing. "You're asking as if you didn't time it. So? What are you stalking me for? Did Danzo give you the directive to extend the Senju lineage this time?" She downed another saucer of sake before letting out a lurid huff. "What are you waiting for? Fucking doesn't require seduction, right? Oh, even better. How about I donate some of my eggs? You could tinker with them all you like."

"I'm not working for Danzo," Dan revealed after a moment of silence before closing the booth behind him. "And I left Anbu, too."

Tsunade paused before tilting her head. "Are you waiting for my permission to take a seat? Because that ain't happening."

Dan shook his head with a small smile. "May I sit?"

"Nope," she replied with a dry smile and a blunt tone.

"Very well," Dan sighed. "I came here today to let you know I'm sorry."

"For harassing my team or being a pussy about admitting Sensei asked you to form a relationship with me?"

Dan bobbed his head before shrugging, "The latter. I didn't harass your team."

"No. That was textbook harassment."

"Not for Root or Anbu," Dan sighed. "It's usually confinement."

Tsunade rolled her eyes before snorting, "Just sit."

After pouring him a drink, Tsunade began the conversation, "So, what's the plan this time? How did you expect to approach me?"

"I didn't," Dan smiled. "I have no orders, so there aren't any ulterior motives. I saw you here and there before noticing you're upset about something."

"And you realized approaching me when I'm getting my buzz on in the broad daylight is the best time to do that?"

"It's usually how someone from 'that' corp would approach their target—when they feel vulnerable," Dan chuckled. "But I'm here in good faith."

"I don't trust you," Tsunade spat.

"Yet you asked me to stay," Dan retorted.

"I did," Tsunade said with a bitter smile. "I've come to realize that for all I preen about being upstanding, I'm no better than you or any other Shinobi, including the ones from the intelligence department."

Dan's smile faded as Tsunade sipped her sake.

"I hoped looking at you would make me feel superior and better. After all," Tsunade chuckled with a condescending look in her eyes. "Your only worth before was to seduce me. How pathetic was that!"

"I am a terrific sensor and possess an incredible hiden, remember?"

Tsunade hummed before leaning back. "Why couldn't you be honest that day?" She shook her head, voice scathing with resentment. "How hard could it have been?"

"How would you know?" Dan exhaled. "Or maybe you do—now, at least. What do you think, Tsunade? Are secrets easy to spill?"

The blonde grew silent as they drank in peace.

"The ones that harm those I care for aren't easy to spill at all," Tsunade whispered. "Who was going to get hurt by your secret, Dan?"

"You," Dan replied softly.

"Liar," she smiled. "The only one who feared being hurt by the truth was you. You worried I might end the relationship and cost you some brownie points with Sensei."

"That's not true," Dan clenched his saucer. "I wouldn't be here if I didn't care for you."

"Where were you days after our break up?" Tsunade mocked.

"I was…" Dan bit his lip before looking away. "You know I can't tell you that."

"Well, you wasted your time if you hoped for more than free drinks," Tsunade shrugged. "Close the door on your way out once we finish this jar."

The booth sank in silence for a few minutes until Dan cleared his throat. "I suppose the next jar is on me."

"That would be a good start," Tsunade snickered.

The duo soon drank through many jars as minutes turned into hours, and the conversation steered from bitterness to nostalgia.

"Nope. That's a lie!" Dan snickered as the sake's stench wafted off his breath. However, it was nothing compared to Tsunade's b.o as she took a swig from the porcelain jar before tucking a hair behind her ear.

"I'm not lying!" She giggled drunkenly. "I promised myself off, and the little asshole's been on the single-minded drive to get taller ever since! Ah, no wonder Kushina keeps squishing his cheeks. He's cheeky enough for it."

Dan sipped another round before chuckling, "That sounds a little desperate."

"Hah, as if you don't get my issue. Remember that group two years ago?" She wagged her brows. "Those girls were sooooooo needy to be your best students."

Tsunade continued with a drunken slur. "Oh, my. They were ready to fight me for their best Academy Substitute Sensei."

"It's a good thing I talked them down," Dan sighed. "Who knew things would have gotten so heated? That's when I realized being an Academy Teacher wasn't for me."

"I never liked the tradition of banging someone right after graduation," Tsunade scoffed.

"That's cause Orochimaru refused," Dan rolled his eyes.

"Hey! I told you that in confidence!" Tsunade playfully huffed before taking another gulp of the courage juice.

"Still," he shook his head. "I didn't know you had issues finding a partner. I would have offered myself if I hadn't screwed things up long before."

"Finding a partner isn't difficult," Tsunade sighed as she placed the jar aside before leaning forward. "The challenging issue is trusting and being attracted to them. If you haven't forgotten, I still have standards."

She gazed into his eyes before growing dazed. "You were almost perfect, Dan. You want to be the next Hokage. You have the skills and potential to aim that high." Her lips parted slightly.

"You can't imagine what I would have done to help you realize that dream."

Tsunade's eyes turned misty as she whispered, barely repressing a choked whimper. "Why didn't you reach out?"

She leaned into Dan's soothing hand as he couldn't help but reach out to caress Tsunade's face.

"I lost that chance, Tsunade."

Dan whispered as he drew closer to her face—her lips.

<<<>>>

"You did what?" Hiruzen blanked out, and not because of the suffocating alcoholic stench barricading Tsunade's being that acted as a natural human repellant in broad daylight. She sat opposite him languidly, with one arm on the armrest and the other lethargically scratching her neck.

"Broken ribs, torn muscles, possible comatose due to mental trauma from the pain," Tsunade sniffed, listing a series of horrible outcomes that would have an average shinobi shuddering at the thought. "Though, I won't heal Dan as I healed Jiraiya."

Her words didn't help Hiruzen recover. He gazed behind Tsunade, staring at the squad of familiar police forces. Within the team was a young dark-haired youth with a prominent jaw.

"I will handle the rest, Fuchi-kun. Take Fugaku-kun and the rest back to your stations."

"Yes, Hokage-sama!" The team from Uchiha Police flickered away as Hiruzen massaged his forehead before glancing at Tsunade.

"I want to smoke my pipe."

"Didn't you quit?"

"I… paused. Will you tell Biwako?"

"That her pregnant body is in a smoker's presence? Of course, I will."

Hiruzen let out an exhausted sigh before leaning in his chair. "All the worrying will cause my hair to fall off," he said.

"It's already started," Tsunade glanced at her Sensei's head. "It's not just hair fall. I think it's a genetic bald spot."

Hiruzen closed his eyes, unable to feel at ease despite the usual banter. It lacked the charm they usually felt, so he cut to the chase.

"Why did you assault Jonin Dan Kato?" Hiruzen began. "He was discharged from your case the second you wanted him to be. You had no reason to harm him. Even the stunt with your team could be chalked off to doubt over Kai-Kun's brilliance."

Tsunade's lazy smile momentarily dimmed.

"I talked Danzo down and limited discreet independent protocols usually issued by Root Operatives after that incident. So, did something happen? I know you. You wouldn't have sought Dan-kun, so it must have been the other way around."

Hiruzen fought his nerves and recovered his poker face as Tsunade rested on her reply.

"What did Dan-kun do?" Hiruzen questioned again. "The Anbu and Police reports will probably reveal that you were getting drunk, although you rarely do so in broad daylight. Dan-kun has always been ambitious and has enough skills to support his objectives. Any practical shinobi of his nature would seek you out to play on your—"

"Vulnerabilities?" Tsunade offered with a mocking smile.

"Insecurities," Hiruzen corrected with a soft sigh and an understanding smile. "We all have them, Tsunade."

The blonde lowered her gaze before she whispered, "Dan always knew I could treat the alcohol in my system. However, he never knew I had substantial resistance to poison since I was born."

Hiruzen worked his jaw before inquiring, "He tried to drug you?"

"Oh, come off it," Tsunade rolled her eyes. "It was a harmless aphrodisiac—odorless and tasteless—but I could feel it heating my body. The dosage was small, and it would have encouraged me to make minor lapses in decisions, like kissing Dan. He probably wanted to work his way up from there."

Hiruzen's shoulders sagged. Only Tsunade could call aphrodisiac harmless in such a setting.

"The only lapse in judgment I was made trying to put Dan in a vulnerable spot. I almost caved his face in as he made a kiss face," Tsunade smirked. "Dan said he'd left Anbu and Root. Is it true?"

"Yes," Hiruzen nodded. "I helped Dan's discharge from Root. However, I didn't know he would try this."

"Eh," Tsunade shrugged. "At least his attempt was better than Jiraiya's. So? Am I to spend my time in Uchiha Police's cell? They did detain me. Well, there's also the fact I didn't resist."

Hiruzen scoffed and shook his head. "I'll have someone else look at Dan's healing. Knowing you, his condition must be better than it looks. Did you also—"

"Stomp his balls? Totally."

Hiruzen unconsciously clenched his thighs before gesturing to all the hidden Anbu Ops to leave.

"And?" Hiruzen leaned forward. "What else?"

"What?"

"There's something on your mind. Something you wish to tell me but refrain from doing so for an unknown reason."

Tsunade clicked her tongue as she recalled the two secrets eating at her conscience. A part of her wanted to reveal things about Orochimaru. However, she knew that Orochimaru didn't trust others, especially Hiruzen, with such a nugget of information. Things happened behind her back—crucial events that fundamentally diverted Orochimaru's mindset. She wouldn't have known a thing if not for Nawaki's—

On the other hand, Kai's secret was more about her insecurity. If anything, revealing it to Hiruzen would ensure Kai's security.

"I don't think I'm capable enough to be Kai's instructor," Tsunade sighed in defeat. "In retrospect, Orochimaru or someone like Sakumo-san would have been a better option."

Hiruzen narrowed his eyes. "Why? Is Kai-kun being unreasonable about his goals? If Jiraiya can grow upstanding enough—"

"What?" Tsunade blinked before reeling back. "No. Kai's surprisingly… sensible. You know, if you ignore his vendetta against orphans. Heck, he's threatened to take a whore's life in Jiraiya's presence. Also, do you remember the issue of nurses being handsy with him? They shake in their boots when they see him. If anything, he has a knack of doing the opposite of attaining that harem of his."

Hiruzen hummed before inquiring, "So? Why the fear of being incapable?"

Tsunade paused before sighing.

"He got a hang of Mystic Palms in a single practice."

Hiruzen's thoughts stalled as he gazed in the distance.

"I'm sorry?"

"No, I am," Tsunade smiled. "I fear I won't have much to teach him in a year or two if we keep this pace."

"Huh?" Hiruzen blinked. "Hold on. A single practice?"

"Minutes."

Hiruzen nodded before pointing out, "It could be a different talent. A kekkei genkai related to the Yin and Yang release that we're unaware of."

Tsunade nodded. "I thought the same. But my gut tells me otherwise."

"Did you test his chakra nature?"

"I plan to do it after a few more milestones," Tsunade hummed. "Probably after their promotion."

***

Alternate Title: Hiruzen Exe Crashed; Freaky AHH Mikoto and Kushina; Kai Doing The Most Innocent Thing (The Author Preparing To Use THE WORDS); Putting It In And Feeling Things; A Certified Brain Rot Moment; Kai Loves a Busty Blonde That Can Kick His Ass; The New Teacher; Mystic Palms Training; Reviving That Fish; Dem Cheeks; Kai: Kiss My Ass (Nono: Yes, My Bro); The Drunk; Messy Thoughts; Inch From Despair; Morally Grey; For a Friend; Tsunade Could Do Things Other Can Only Imagine; If Only Orochimaru Asked; Dan's Here; Dan's There; Dan's Everywhere; Invited For a Drink; Hospital Destination; The Nostalgia; Tsunade's Da Bomb; From Drinks To IV; Hiruzen Doesn't Get Paid Enough For It (Also Hokage Salary: 0 Ryo); Hokage: I Wanna Smoke (Tsunade Enters Her Snitch Era); Tobirama Would Have a Lung Collapse If His Grandneice Spent Time In Uchiha Cell; Dan Got Jiraiya Treatment; Kai's Safe From The Allegations! (The Allegations Were Always About Hate Crimes Against Orphans Tho); The Mastery; Kai Giving Everyone Insecurities; Kai Exist To Overshadow; Forcing Her Hand; One Secret Less; Kai Might Just Get a Harem (Also Kai: Where's Dem Nurses At I Wanna Terrorize! *Unloads Senbon*)

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