Please Don’t Die, My Lady

Chapter 30

Ariana left soon after confirming that I had stabilized.

It felt like she was determined to stick to her word about not being overly attached anymore.

Should I feel grateful for that?

It seems premature, considering she might revert at any moment.

People, after all, are creatures who are lenient only with themselves.

They’re harshly unforgiving of others’ mistakes, yet when it comes to their own, they become endlessly generous.

I’ve never seen anyone who doesn’t fit that description.

Including myself.

***

“One pill a day. One every two days. Two a week.”

I rolled the pills Ariana had given me in my hand.

Each one was distinct in color and shape, making them easy to differentiate, and their dosages were strictly prescribed.

She had warned me not to deviate from the instructions, emphasizing that they weren’t exactly “good for the body.”

Still, just as a healthy mind fosters a healthy body, shouldn’t cultivating a sound mind lead to a sound body?

If I greedily swallowed these pills, I’d at least float in a hazy state for a few days.

Then I could live a much more stable daily life than I do now.

When I asked Ariana about it, her answer was absurd:

“These pills don’t heal you—they just trick your brain.”

Then how are they any different from drugs?

I don’t get it.

Still, I told her I’d try to follow her instructions.

But surely, breaking the rules once or twice wouldn’t hurt, right?

My mother always said that medication usage is partly up to the individual.

And my father said ignoring doctors’ advice was fine, too.

“Most of them are just money-hungry frauds anyway,” he’d said. “Only trust medicines that are in the dictionary and proven effective.”

On impulse, I swallowed one pill.

Even though the effects shouldn’t have kicked in yet, I already felt a buoyant lightness lifting my mood.

The very idea of medicine holds such powerful resonance.

How could anyone resist this?

You can’t.

“Will it last three days?

If you don’t restrain yourself, Ariana will intervene. Try showing some self-control.”

If I had that kind of restraint, I wouldn’t be living like this.

“Well, that’s true.”

I sighed.

The giddiness I’d felt before Ariana left crumbled like a landslide, exposing its illusory nature.

Because I had been so high, the fall felt even steeper.

Was this because Ariana left?

Or because I was alone again?

Maybe it was both.

I don’t know why those are the only reasons I can think of.

I thought I’d been miserable about Ariana’s constant presence.

Isn’t it funny how reasons always conveniently shift?

Maybe my depression never had a reason to begin with.

Maybe I was just born this way.

Or maybe I became this way the moment I arrived here.

Either way, it doesn’t make much difference.

It sucks all the same.

I swallowed a second pill and sprawled onto my bed.

“…The moon is beautiful.”

Indeed.

The window in my upside-down field of view reflected the pitch-black sky of late night.

A luminous full moon shone with a faint blue hue at its center.

No stars were visible.

The unique brilliance of this world’s moon drowned them out, dimming their presence entirely.

A single round, glowing object sat in the vast sky, stark and alone.

Though much larger than any star, its solitary position made the surrounding emptiness feel overwhelming.

It must be lonely.

Watching it made me think so.

A sudden urge to go outside struck me.

“It’s too late.”

So what?

“If the guards catch you, you’ll get demerits.”

Only if they catch me.

And if they do, I’ll take them.

“If you go out in this state, the night air will make you sick tomorrow.”

Why should that matter?

“Ariana will worry about you.”

That’s the least relevant reason.

I got up.

The night air was probably cold, but I didn’t own much in the way of clothing.

There wasn’t anything to prepare—just me stepping outside.

Whatever reasons I shouldn’t go didn’t matter.

For once, I wasn’t drowning in misery, and my mind was oddly calm for the late hour.

It had been ages since I’d acted on an impulse like this.

If it’s thanks to the medicine, shouldn’t I savor this incredibly human moment of delusion?

I grabbed the doorknob.

As expected, there wasn’t much outside.

The sky was the same one I’d seen from my room.

The moon was the same one I’d seen from my room.

The night was colder than it had seemed from my room.

There was no reason I needed to come out here.

And yet.

Still.

“Maybe I should’ve brought a blanket.

Then again, a girl sitting at a fountain wrapped in a blanket would look pretty ridiculous.”

The empty field was fundamentally different from the empty room I’d left behind.

Maybe now I understood why I’d wanted to come outside so badly.

I must’ve felt suffocated.

If I’m going to be lonely, I might as well claim the vast sky like the moon does.

Why hide away in a corner of my room, whining about it?

I could breathe a little easier.

Sometimes, a midnight walk doesn’t seem so bad.

“…Still, maybe I should bring a blanket next time.”

The cold stone of the fountain’s edge and the night air’s chill began creeping steadily up my body.

I hugged my knees close to my chest.

It was cold, but I had no intention of going back inside just yet.

If possible, I wanted to stay out here all night.

As I pondered what to do, a small sound reached my ears—a faint clatter of something opening.

A sense of unease washed over me, and I turned my head toward the source of the noise.

“…Ha.”

It was a face I hadn’t seen in a long time.

A girl was leaning out of a third-floor dormitory window, looking down at me with a startled expression.

Even though it had been weeks since I last saw her, she was the kind of person whose face remained vivid, impossible to forget.

After all, in my academic life, where most people weren’t even worth remembering, she was one of the rare exceptions—a decent person.

Sena Blomberg.

For some reason, she always seemed more dramatic every time we met.

Maybe it was because we only ever ran into each other at strange moments.

As soon as our eyes met, she disappeared back into her room, producing a noisy commotion. Moments later, she reappeared holding what looked like a blanket.

Then she placed a foot on the window frame.

And jumped.

From the third floor.

Was she out of her mind?

“Ah… Ugh…”

“…What are you doing?

If you’re having suicidal thoughts, you should probably see someone who can help with that.”

“It’s not that! I thought you might run away if I left you alone… Ugh…”

“Why would I run?”

If I ran, I’d just get caught eventually.

It’s not like I’d waste energy on something so pointless.

Whatever Sena took from my response, her eyes grew a little sharper.

Not that I was lying or anything.

Sena cast a healing spell over her battered arms and legs and began walking toward me.

From the sound of her coughing, her ribs were probably in bad shape too. Maybe she should take a moment to steady herself.

Not that I was one to talk.

“What are you doing out here, wallowing in misery at night?

Where’s that mangy dog you always keep around?”

“I just wanted to get some fresh air.

Your language has gotten harsh, Sena.”

“Well! What do you expect when she never gives me a single opening?!

That girl acts like she’s someone important, clinging to you and barking away—it was driving me insane just watching it!”

Grumbling, Sena approached and draped the blanket she was carrying over me.

It was already warm.

I wasn’t sure how she had warmed it, but it was enough to thaw my chilled body.

“Still, I thought she’d at least be looking after you. Seeing you out here alone in the middle of the night makes me think otherwise.

Although, considering what you’ve told me, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”

“That’s not it.

I just wanted to come outside on a whim.”

“…You? Wanting to go outside?

Unless you were kicked out, that’s hard to believe.”

I didn’t know what kind of impression she had of me.

When I stayed silent, simply gazing at her, her expression twisted slightly, as if something wasn’t adding up for her.

“Really? Why all of a sudden?”

“I don’t know either.

Maybe I was lonely.”

“Lonely? Not wanting to be alone?”

“Both.”

Sena let out a small hum, then patted the spot beside me and sat down.

She seemed confused.

Understandable.

I didn’t even understand myself; how could someone who hadn’t seen me in weeks possibly make sense of me?

Still, the fact that she was even trying was something.

“…You seem better than last time, at least. That’s a relief.

I was worried about what I’d do if things had gotten worse.”

“Do you think I’ve gotten better?”

“Isn’t that the case? You look much better, at least.”

“Well, I’m glad it seems that way.”

“…‘Seems that way’?

Why do you make it sound like you’re faking it?”

“I don’t know.

I don’t know what I want to do, if I’m sad, if I’m in pain, or if I want to die.

The more time passes, the more confused I get.

So I just let things flow as they will.

If that makes me seem better than before, isn’t that enough?”

Hearing my response, Sena seemed strangely flustered.

She was trying to suppress the tremor in her voice, but her expression gave her away.

“That’s… not enough. Not at all…”

Her wide-open eyes reflected me, yet at the same time, didn’t.

What are you looking at?

Who are you seeing when you look at me?

For a moment, I was curious about her past.

What had happened to her to make her jump without hesitation simply because she thought I might run?

What had led her to fixate on someone like me, continuing to care even after clashing with Ariana?

I didn’t ask.

I was too wrapped up in my own issues to stick my nose into hers.

“Who knows.”

Instead, I found another way to use the moment.

I wasn’t sure if it would work.

“If I end up dying, then I guess it wasn’t enough.

But if I manage to make it to graduation, then I guess it was.

No one can know the future, so only the results will tell.”

“That’s… just putting it off.

Numbing yourself with comforting thoughts, killing even the small chance you might have.

It’s the stupidest thing you can do.”

“You’re harsh.

But there’s no hostility in your tone. Sounds more like you’re talking about yourself.”

Sena bowed her head deeply, shrinking like a scolded child.

It made me look like the one tormenting her.

When, in reality, I was the one venting, and she was listening.

“Don’t worry. I won’t pry.”

“…Okay.”

“But don’t pry into me, either.”

“……”

No answer came.

The silence settled over the fountain, broken only by the sound of our breathing.

I sighed, tilting my head back.

This is hopeless.

The moon, pale as it was, shone so brightly.

I thought it was alone, but if I looked closely, I could see a few faint stars scattered around it.

I almost wanted to laugh.

I did.

My laughter tore through the heavy silence.

A pair of eyes, filled with disbelief as if watching a madwoman, pierced into me from beside me.

Having it come from right next to me was a bit grating.

Brushing away the tears that had gathered at the corners of my eyes, I spoke.

“Haha… Don’t look at me like that.”

“…Sorry.”

“It’s fine. It’s understandable.”

“No… I’m sorry. For everything….”

Sena’s head drooped lower and lower until it was nearly resting on her knees.

Her voice was tinged with emotion. Was she crying?

People have been apologizing to me a lot lately.

Sena, Ariana… They’re all so sorry for everything.

Then why do they keep doing it?

If they know, why act like an apology can make it better?

I don’t get it.

And I’m sure she doesn’t understand me either.

No one truly understands anyone. All we do is compromise.

Why are relationships so damn difficult?

Maybe it’s just you.

If you and I are both the kind of people who can neither understand nor be understood, then everything makes sense.

I hope that’s not the case. That would be too unbearably sad.

My head throbbed, and I looked back at the moon.

It was needlessly beautiful.

Annoyingly so.