Only Realized After Losing You

8. Thoughts I Shouldn’t Have

Hayden was the first to avert his gaze.

He deliberately looked the other way and pretended not to notice me.

I could see what he wanted from here.

‘Don’t act like you know me.’

He didn’t seem to want to let it be known that we had a friendly relationship, there was no doubt about it.

Of course, I wasn’t going act like I knew him in the first place.

Because our meetings were extremely secret.

After a moment’s hesitation, Hayden walked out the front door completely.

The servant who held the door open for Hayden followed him, holding a black umbrella over Hayden’s head.

“It’s okay.”

Hayden pushed the umbrella away with a graceful motion.

As if he didn’t care if it was raining. Like he wanted to get rained on today.

Once out of the shade of the porch, Hayden stepped out into the pouring rain.

The neat clothes that matched his calm face were getting wetter by the minute.

A large stain created by rainwater grew on his shoulders.

I wasn’t the only one that Hayden was ignoring.

He was completely ignoring Lennon’s presence as well.

These two men. I wondered if they knew each other.

But Lennon didn’t seem to want to ignore Hayden.

Lennon grabbed Hayden’s wrist as he passed by him.

This forced Hayden’s steps to a halt.

Nonetheless, Hayden did not look in Lennon’s direction.

He had a stubborn side.

It was Lennon who spoke first.

“Hey, why don’t you say hello?”

Lennon’s voice rang out, strong enough to cut through the rain, but with a hint of intimidation in it.

“I’m not invisible.”

“… … .”

A few seconds of silence passed.

The only sound between us was the sound of rain.

What Hayden ultimately chose was to not answer.

He roughly shook away Lennon’s hand that had grabbed his wrist.

The contact had been accidental.

As he brushed his hand away, the two men’s fingertips briefly touched.

I saw Hayden’s body visibly shake then.

It happened in a split second, and Hayden’s face was blank.

But the important thing was that I saw the scene clearly.

Hayden, now free, wandered into the rain.

He ran away somewhere with his long legs, and Lennon no longer held him back.

I stared at Hayden’s back as he walked away.

Despite his not-so-small frame, I thought his back looked somehow weak.

Then, I thought about something I shouldn’t have.

I wondered if Lennon was involved in Hayden’s secret.

Hayden had a secret: he liked men.

And Hayden showed a little agitation the moment Lennon’s fingertips touched him.

In other words, Hayden might be in love with Lennon.

… It was a ridiculous thought.

“Well, the lack of brains is still the same.”

Lennon muttered to himself.

I vaguely recalled what Lennon said.

‘He’s a guy with no fucking brains.’

Lennon had definitely said that, referring to his brother.

Could it be that Hayden was Lennon’s younger brother?

Did Hayden mean Lennon when he said, ‘the older brother I have to overcome to become the head of the family?’

“Forget it. You don’t need to pay attention to him. Let’s just do what we have to do today.”

With that, Lennon resumed his pacing.

I withdrew my gaze from Hayden’s weak back.

* * *

When I entered the mansion and walked down the long hallway, what caught my eye the most was the many portraits that occupied the wide walls.

Portraits of the faces of past lords and ladies of the house.

It seemed to boast the long history and tradition of Lennon’s last name, ‘Hills’.

I was completely distracted by the large portraits I had never seen before.

Lennon, who had been walking alongside me, matching my pace, simply looked down at me with a smile on his face.

Then I noticed a common inscription underneath the portraits.

Luckily, it was something I could read.

⌜The Dukes of Hills⌟

I seemed to recognize their positions today.

* * *

“Your father is out of town today.”

As Lennon said that, his hand was on a rack where several dresses were hanging.

He didn’t stop there; he started picking out dresses.

I followed him into a large room, where it seemed like Lennon was apparently going to change my dress.

“I will provide you with a generous allowance.”

“… … .”

“To you, not to your father.”

The answer came from somewhere other than me.

“Lennon Hills. Be careful when it comes to seducing innocent girls. Think about your age now. How long are you going to live in debauchery?”

It was a sharp voice. But there was no coldness in it.

On the contrary, it was a voice that gave the impression of praising Lennon for enjoying a debauched life.

I twisted my gaze toward the owner of the voice.

Then a mesmerizing woman with golden hair appeared.

I didn’t know when the woman opened the door to the room we were in, but she was leaning against the open door with her arms crossed.

The woman immediately noticed my gaze and turned to look at me.

As soon as our eyes met, she smiled brightly.

She looked older than me and younger than Lennon.

And of course I didn’t know who she was.

I just entered a room following Lennon, saw that there were a lot of dresses in the room, and then a stranger appeared.

But when I saw her face, I thought of someone.

If I were to say a specific name, the name would be ‘Hayden’.

Her face was eerily similar to Hayden’s.

“… … .”

Lennon picked out a dress and held it in front of me, before answering belatedly.

“How long is mother going to nag at me? I thought I made it clear that I wasn’t going to listen to you.”

… Lennon’s mother?

The woman looked nothing like Lennon, but she was also far too young to be his mother.

I guess I couldn’t hide my puzzled expression.

Lennon explained to me with a slow smile.

“She’s my stepmother. We’re not related by blood. No wonder you’re confused.”

Ah– I nodded in understanding.

Ages that looked similar. Different appearances.

‘Stepmother’ was a good enough explanation.

Lennon approached me and held out the dress he was holding toward me.

“Why don’t you change into this? The maid will help you.”

Without further explanation, he ushered me and the maid out of the room.

As I left the room, I heard Lennon’s stepmother’s low laughter behind me.

* * *

The dress Lennon gave me was very luxurious.

It was the most expensive dress I had ever worn in my life.

I didn’t quite understand why Lennon had given it to me.

So, I thought that if I ever met him again, I would ask him why.

That was when I returned to the room I was in with Lennon and was about to knock.

“… … .”

I found the door ajar.

Instead of knocking, I looked through the crack in the door.

It wasn’t a big deal, it was just because I wanted to do it for some reason.

However, despite my casual actions, what I saw through the crack in the door was a shocking scene.

A scene I couldn’t dare foresee.

Lennon… was kissing his stepmother.

I watched them with bated breath.

In front of a hanger with numerous dresses hanging, they were clinging to each other and exchanging breaths.

The lips that were pressed together showed no sign of separation, and Lennon’s fingertips stroked the white nape of his nameless stepmother’s neck.

His hand stroked her body as effortlessly as water flowed.

It was an overly leisurely touch.

As if this wasn’t the first time this had happened.

As I watched, I felt my lower abdomen becoming warm.

I knew secretly watching was wrong, but I couldn’t look away.

I stared at them for a long time as if I was possessed by something.

I felt like I saw the dark side of Lennon, who seemed infinitely positive and warm.

It didn’t feel very good.

Eventually, I stopped peeking through the crack in the door.

If I peeked any further, they might see me.

I leaned back against the wall next to the door and let out a long sigh.

The sigh I let out was full of sorrow.

I didn’t know how many more minutes passed.

The slightly ajar door began to open fully.

Stepping through the open doorway was his stepmother, who had shared a passionate kiss with Lennon.

“Hey, sweetie. I’ll see you later. Bye.”

She walked past me as if nothing had happened.

She didn’t seem to care at all whether I had caught them kissing or not.

As she passed me, I caught a faint whiff of Lennon’s scent.

His scent lingered on the tip of my nose for a moment.

Soon after, Lennon came out.

“…Miss Ellie? When did you get here? If you’re here, at least pretend to be happy.”

He smiled kindly and invited me into the room.

I stepped back into the room.

It was at that moment that Lennon’s demeanor changed drastically.

“… … !”

He closed the door harshly as soon as I entered the room.

Then he stood in front of me as if he was imprisoning me.

When I looked up, the thoughtful smile on his face had disappeared.

Instead, there was just a rather creepy smile on it.

“… You. Saw?”