Only Realized After Losing You

24. I Need To Run Away

Just before dawn, I briefly fell asleep and dreamt.

In my dream, I was lying on a bed that wasn’t mine, with very white sheets.

Then, one person appeared.

That person was my father’s guest from earlier.

Even in my dream, the man was wearing a well-pressed suit.

The man, who appeared from nowhere, walked briskly to me and started caressing my eyelids.

The look in his eyes was serious .

At that moment, several voices rang out.

‘Well, if the eyeball is carefully removed, there may be no visible defects’

‘Surgery to remove the eye does not cost much, at least not as much as the drugs.’

This man.

Was he trying to cut out my eyes now?

Alarm bells rang in my head.

I knew this was a dream, but I knew that I still had to get away.

I tried to get up from where I was lying down.

However, my body did not move at all, as if I was paralyzed.

Meanwhile, the man started taking something out of his jacket pocket.

A small scalpel with an unusual edge came into my field of vision.

It was sharp enough to cut out my eyeball.

I need to run away.

But my body still didn’t move, and his hand holding the knife came closer to my eye.

I need to run away.

The knife continued to glint brightly in the light as I gasped for breath.

I need to run away.

I felt the cold touch of the blade against my eyelids.

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly.

As I closed my eyes, I remembered my father’s hand roughly grasping my sister’s shoulder the other day.

The thick gold ring on my father’s hand, the sound of rain falling that day.

My sister’s cry, the crushed flower garden.

And me, unable to do anything.

“… … .”

When I opened my eyes again, everything had disappeared, including the man holding the knife and the white bed.

I was lying on my bed with ivory colored sheets.

It was a terrible dream.

As I let out a long, relieved breath, a single word softly slipped out.

“… Ha.”

… !

Did I… just spit out a word?

The last time I spoke was when I was about five years old.

This was the first time I had uttered a word since then.

But what just happened seemed like a miracle that happened by chance.

“… … .”

I opened my lips and tried to make another sound, but nothing came out between my parted lips.

I was disappointed but it was inevitable.

Letting out a long, silent sigh, I rubbed my forehead.

My forehead was covered in cold sweat that could have been there for hours.

I looked out the window.

Outside the window was a mix of grayish darkness and brightness.

Looking at the brightening sky, I reaffirmed the decision I made yesterday.

I really have to leave today.

* * *

I’ve only rebelled once before.

I think it was probably when I was twelve.

It wasn’t extreme like running away from home, stealing something, or doing anything troublesome.

There was one night in the middle of winter when I woke up unexpectedly and couldn’t go back to sleep.

Since I couldn’t sleep, I went out to the flower garden that I had begun tending.

In the empty flower garden where the flowers were not yet in full bloom, there was a black cat I had never seen before.

The cat was gently rubbing its head against my leg as if it belonged to someone else, and suddenly started walking away.

I followed the cat as if mesmerized by something.

I didn’t know how far I traversed down that dark street before I suddenly realized that my father was following me.

My father came up to me and said sharply.

‘You must ask your father’s permission to go out.’

I still remembered the frightened look in my father’s eyes that day.

* * *

I glanced at the clock on the wall to check the time. It was a little after nine o’clock in the morning.

My father usually left the house between eight and nine, so it seemed like a good time to get out of here.

I stuffed the envelope of money I had received from Lennon deep into my sleeve.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have any bags with me.

I left my room on the second floor and went down the stairs.

For some reason, both my mother and father were present in the house I had thought to be empty.

My mother was sitting on the living room sofa, sipping rum, and my father was sitting at the dining table eating a late breakfast.

I stared at my father.

Why didn’t he go to the barony?

My father, the baron’s secretary, had no vacation of any kind.

He seemed to notice my gaze landing on him.

Tilting his head to the side , he made eye contact with me.

Then he gave me the answer to my question.

“I’ve stopped working for the damn Baron.”

If this was going to be the case, should I have run away at dawn?

No. Not like that.

Rather than early in the morning, I thought it would be better to run away during the day when there were a lot of people out and about, and when there were wagons passing by.

I looked into my father’s eyes and tried to read them.

For better or worse, we had lived together for seventeen years.

I felt like I could guess my father’s gruesome intentions.

‘I will blind you, destroy your vocal cords, and turn you into a doll that can only hear.’

“… … .”

‘You’re going to be a great puppet and make a lot of money. I’ll make a fortune, and I won’t have to work for anyone else.’

My father smiled faintly.

His eyes looked cloudy with greed as he looked at me.

When did my father start having sinister eyes?

Where had the man who had once looked at me with kindness when I was a child gone?

Was it only himself that made him that way? Or was it the environment he was exposed to?

Perhaps a baron who belittled his subordinates, a gambler who seduced my father, or the three men who gave my father a large sum of money.

I couldn’t quite tell.

The underside of my chin trembled from fear.

What was I to my father?

I began to wonder if fatherhood even existed in him.

If this was the way it is, don’t drag me into this world.

Maybe it would have been better if I had never been born.

But I had already seen the light of the day, breathed, and came into existence.

I had to figure out my life before I became completely unhappy.

I felt like the emotions I had been suppressing for a while started to rise.

It was eagerness to accomplish something, a sense of purpose.

I gave my father a brief nod and then quickened my pace.

Naturally. Naturally. Like a sheep leaving for the flower garden.

But my father quickly questioned me.

“Hey Ellie, where are you going now?”

I calmly gestured toward the front door.

“The flower garden? Are you going there?”

I nodded.

Since I often went to the flower garden, I didn’t think my father would be particularly suspicious.

But my father said,

“I’ll go out with you too.”

As if he was a little suspicious.

I swallowed dry saliva, feeling a severe thirst in my mouth.

My father continued.

“Ellie, have you forgotten?”

“… … .”

“When you go out, you have to get your father’s permission.”

My father was saying the same thing he said to me all those years ago.

At that moment, cold sweat ran down my shoulders.

I nodded again, barely hiding my nervousness.

Then I gathered my resolve again.

I have to get out of here before the man I talked to my father with yesterday comes back.

* * *

Contrary to my anxious mood, the weather was very nice.

The sun was shining warmly onto the ground and the breeze was just right.

It felt like the perfect weather to go somewhere.

My father followed me out and stood on the threshold of the front door, leaning against the open door.

I picked up one of the seedling shovels I’d set aside in the flower garden.

Then I started clearing the dirt like I did every other day.

Of course, it was a very meaningless action, as it was just an act to fool my father.

My hands, which Lebrado loved, soon became covered in dirt.

I couldn’t bother shaking off the dirt, so I watched my father’s movements.

How long did my father plan to watch over me?

I knew my chance would come soon enough.

I just had to get out of here when I got that chance.

There was no need for grand plans.

I just had to take a few quiet steps, slip past the fenced-in outer wall, step out onto the main street, and hitch a ride.

It was simple.

It was such a simple thing that it made no sense why I had been putting it off for so long.

It was then that I heard my mother’s voice, still heavily drunk on strong rum.

“… Hey, come in here for a minute.”

My mother was calling my father.

After my mother started having sex with other men, she stopped calling my father’s name.

“You damn woman. what’s the matter?”

My father answered nervously, looking back and forth between me and my mother inside the house.

“Why don’t you come in first? It’s urgent. hurry!”

My father went back into the house, despite looking back reluctantly.

I stood still and watched him disappear completely.

I didn’t really know what happened to my mother and what she wanted.

But there was only one thing I did know.

Now was my chance.

I put the small shovel I was holding down silently on the dirt.

Then, at a brisk pace, I passed through the outer wall that resembled a fence.

It went very smoothly up to that point.

I could do it. I could do it.

I could escape safely.

Before I set foot on the main street, I took one last look at my house and flower garden where I lived for the last 17 years.

It was a view that I might never see again.

Was it a mistake to indulge in trivial sentimentality?

The next thing I knew, my father, who had briefly entered the house, was back out.

“… Ellie? Where are you going now? ”

“… … !”

My father looked at me standing near the outside wall.

How did he come back out so quickly?

My heart felt like it was falling out of my chest with a thud.