Only Realized After Losing You

23. I Am Worried About Your Safety.

I knew the hidden meaning behind Hayden’s words.

‘If you tell me Lennon Hills’s secret, I’ll help you escape.’

That was probably what he really wanted to say.

I shook my head.

Even if Hayden didn’t help me, I still had money from Lennon.

All I had to do was take it and go to a place where no one could find me.

I wouldn’t starve to death right away, and I also didn’t want Hayden to know Lennon’s secret.

It wasn’t that I liked Lennon or Hayden more than the other.

But Lennon had at least been nice to me.

I didn’t want to betray his kindness.

“… Why? Don’t you want me to help you?”

Hayden, who was standing a couple of steps away, came closer to me.

He didn’t just come closer, he wrapped his hands around my shoulders and squeezed it.

My shoulder stung from his grip.

“Do you not realize the gravity of what’s going on here, that your father is…!”

Hayden couldn’t finish the sentence. “Fuck…” he muttered under his breath.

I knew what my father was trying to do to me.

I knew, but I still couldn’t ask Hayden for help.

I couldn’t take his hand when he wanted something in return.

What is Hayden so angry about?

That I was refusing his help?

If not that, then my decision to not reveal Lennon’s secret?

I thought the latter was a slightly more plausible reason.

“Ha…”

Hayden let out a long sigh and began to calm himself down a little.

Eventually, he loosened his grip on my shoulder, which had been crushingly tight.

“Did it hurt? Sorry.”

However, he didn’t let go completely. It seemed like he was trying to prevent me from running away or avoiding him.

I looked straight into Hayden’s eyes.

I’m not avoiding you.

The only person I have to run away from is my father.

“You came to the banquet hall with Lennon Hills yesterday.”

“… … .”

“… I was surprised. I never imagined that you would have such a close relationship with Lennon.”

I wondered if that was why Hayden came to visit me secretly today.

“Should I interpret the fact that you two have become close friends, as meaning that you have learned a little more about his secrets?”

Well.

I wouldn’t say I learned more of Lennon’s secrets, but more like Lennon learned more of mine.

After all, Lennon realized that one of my clients was Lebrado.

“I am worried about your safety.”

“… … .”

“Please… please make it possible for me to help you.”

Hayden’s words didn’t feel like lies.

Even if he had an ulterior motive, I felt like he was sincere when he said he was worried about my safety.

But that was all.

Because Hayden ultimately was using me to get what he wanted.

Somehow, I felt like he and my father were the same.

“You are the most caring woman I’ve ever known, and I mean it when I say that. I don’t expect anything in return.”

With that, Hayden let go of my shoulder completely.

“I will come back again tomorrow. I hope you give me a chance then.”

Hayden tilted his head slightly.

Before I knew it, his lips briefly touched my forehead.

The kiss was fleeting.

He walked away as the feeling of the kiss lingered. Eventually, his figure disappeared completely.

The sun was setting on a day that had seen so much, but I couldn’t go home easily.

What if I ran away right now?

I could go to my room and take the envelope of money Lennon gave me.

That was as far as my thoughts went before I heard the front door opening.

I looked towards the open front door.

There, I saw my father seeing off a strange man.

My father immediately spotted me standing awkwardly in the flower garden.

“Ellie? What are you doing there?”

The strange man dressed in a neat suit also looked at me.

He looked younger than my father and wore round glasses, reminding me of a doctor.

I pursed my lips, unable to do anything but stare.

My father motioned for me to come closer to him.

Even though I didn’t want to go to my father’s side, I willingly walked over to him.

I didn’t want to reveal that I overheard their conversation.

My father shouldn’t know what I heard or what I was thinking.

I wasn’t supposed to know, at least not now.

I tried to act like nothing was wrong.

But my pressed lips were trembling faintly.

My legs were creaking inexplicably and I couldn’t walk properly.

Fortunately, my father didn’t seem to notice my shaking appearance.

He simply introduced me to the strange man.

“This is my guest. Say hello.”

I bowed and then lifted my head.

I felt the man’s gaze alternate between my eyes and the nape of my neck.

It was as if he was inspecting the area where he would sooner or later perform surgery for.

The way his gaze landed on me was so disgusting that I wanted to vomit.

I could feel bugs crawling around where his gaze rested.

“I’ll come by tomorrow, then.”

The man turned away with a smile.

His words echoed in my ears.

‘I’ll come by tomorrow, then.’

‘Tomorrow… ‘

Did that mean that tomorrow my sight and voice would be taken away?

“Ellie, let’s go in now. The evening air has become quite chilly.”

My father spoke like any other normal father.

As if he were a father worried about his daughter. Like he cared so much about me.

I felt goosebumps all over again.

It felt like I was running out of time.

* * *

I locked myself in my room and waited for my father to fall asleep.

From time to time, I went down to the first floor to check on him.

Even though it was late, my father stayed awake and drank in the living room.

The light in the living room did not go out even at dawn.

In my dark room without a single light on, I leaned my back against the headboard and thought.

Let’s skip running away tonight for now.

After all, my father would be leaving for the barony early tomorrow morning, so I could leave after he left the house.

His drinking showed no signs of ending.

As I made up my mind to leave, I felt a strange sense of relief.

It made me wonder why I didn’t do it sooner.

‘Find your life, because life is shorter than you think.’

If I had met Lennon sooner, would I have been more willing to leave my father’s arms earlier?

I thought there was nothing I could do other than listen to what people had to say.

So I thought that listening to people was something I had to do no matter what.

I still didn’t know what I was capable of doing.

But I knew if I continued like this, I would regret it.

Even if I would lose my life.

Even if it was just Ellie, the girl who couldn’t do anything.

There was nothing I had to take from this house.

I would only keep the money I received from Lennon from the guessing game.

That meant that I would leave behind my few clothes and all my belongings, but there wasn’t a single meaningful or valuable item among them.

I was a little sad about the dress Lennon gave me as a gift.

It was a beautiful dress, the first one I’d ever worn in my life and the first gift I’d ever received from anyone.

But a fancy dress did not suit a fugitive.

I didn’t know where I was going.

Since I couldn’t speak, I wrote a note with the name of the next city on it.

First, I would hire a carriage and go to the next city, before going further and further away.

Anywhere would be fine, as long as I could disappear to a place where my father could not reach.

What about Hayden, Lennon and Labrador?

Should I inform them of my departure?

I could have asked them for help.

But if I did, my life would be no different than it was now.

Just as my father wanted something from me, those three men also wanted something from me.

It was clear that if I received help from any one of them, it would only change the subject from my father to another man, and I would have to fulfill their wishes.

For example, if I asked Hayden for help, I would have to give him information about Lennon.

If I asked Lennon for help… Well, I couldn’t quite guess what he would ask for.

However, I was sure that Lennon would also want me to do something.

And finally, if I asked Lebrado for help, I might have to become his owner for the rest of my life.

In other words, salvation achieved through someone else’s help was not perfect salvation.

I wanted to escape this shitty reality entirely with my own strength.

I wondered if they would be looking for me, someone who disappeared without a word.

Perhaps it was a pity for the three men.

But I wanted to go to a place where those three men couldn’t touch me.

Perhaps it would be better for them too, because I knew their secrets.

If you asked me if I felt sorry parting ways with them, I don’t know.

But if I had to choose between feeling sorry and not feeling sorry, my choice was the latter.

I didn’t regret saying goodbye.

Of course, I would think about them often.

Hayden’s sad face, Lennon’s great kisses, Labrador’s cute side…

But that didn’t mean I would go find them first.

Leaving this place also meant giving up my life of listening.

What the three men wanted from me was a mute Eli who could keep secrets that would not leak out.

I could no longer satisfy their wishes.

It was only right for our relationship to end here.