Only Realized After Losing You

19. Find Your Purpose Because Life is Shorter Than You Think

“I’ll take you home.”

Lennon offered to walk me home.

Was it because he was worried that his crazy dog ​​would follow me, or was it just a polite thing a gentleman would say?

If not that, did he want more physical intimacy with me?

I couldn’t guess his intentions.

Long story short, I declined his favor.

He seemed like he was obliged to remain at the unfinished banquet.

On the other hand, I had to return within the ‘time promised by Lennon and my father.’

After all, our meeting had been arranged by contract with my father.

“By carriage, then.”

I nodded, unable to refuse him at that point.

We walked together to the carriages, which was not that far.

I thought I had only taken a few steps, but then I realized I was already in the garden.

The lively music from the banquet hall had faded away.

That was somehow disappointing.

I looked up for a moment at the completely dark night sky.

It felt like a sweet dream on a midsummer night.

But a dream was a dream, and reality was reality.

I had to recognize that the reality given to me was not a sweet dream.

“Miss, what are you thinking about?”

Lennon also looked up at the night sky I was looking at.

I straightened my head and shook it from side to side.

He didn’t probe.

“When you’re done thinking, shall we get in the carriage?”

Lennon skillfully opened the door of the carriage parked in the garden.

And as soon as I got on the carriage, Lennon slid in beside me.

“Let’s go.”

Lennon started the carriage without giving me a chance to stop him.

I furrowed my brows a little.

“Why? Do you have any complaints?”

“… … .”

“If you put it into words, I won’t argue with it.”

Lennon’s voice was playful as he said that.

It seemed that his wish for me to speak remained the same.

Instead of answering, I let out a short sigh.

“You thought I should stay there, right?”

How does Lennon know my every thought so intimately?

He continued speaking as if he hadn’t expected me to answer in the first place.

“But it has to be entirely of my own will.”

“… … .”

“So, whether I stay in the banquet hall or not, ultimately I am the one who decides.”

Willpower.

That was the thing that gave me the most trouble these days.

Something that could bring down a decade’s worth of beliefs in an instant.

Something with such overwhelming power.

Something that made me reflect on what it meant to have my own will, when I used to live by the will of others.

Meanwhile, Lennon continued speaking.

“Because it’s an atmosphere I absolutely need to be in. Everyone wants me to be there, so I don’t want to stay there.”

Lennon tilted his head, made eye contact with me, and said.

“Because you are the one I want to be with right now.”

I couldn’t understand Lennon’s words, what his intentions were, or what his will was.

But a whirlwind passed through my mind.

A maelstrom that came out of nowhere and tangled the few faint emotions I had.

My heart was racing.

I was agitated.

I was clearly drawn to Lennon’s sweet words, which he might have said to his stepmother the day before.

My face was hot.

“Hey, Miss. If you took it as a confession, it would be awkward. Because it’s not a confession. It’s just my honest feelings.”

Lennon’s gaze landed on my heated cheek.

The place where his eyes landed was so hot that it stung.

Lennon must have noticed my flushed face.

“I told you. Being with you is the least boring thing.”

“… … .”

“But you never know. I wonder what kind of feeling this feeling of not being bored will turn into…”

“… … .”

“That’s a question that only time will answer.”

Lennon extended his hand towards me.

His palms were wide open.

“With that in mind, will you meet me tomorrow too?”

I wanted to meet him tomorrow too, I thought.

My heart was still racing from him.

“I’d hate to see my crazy dog meet you.”

Instead of nodding, I took his hand.

“Thank you.”

Lennon gave me a cheeky grin and squeezed my hand tightly.

Soon his gaze, which had been on my face, also moved forward.

As if he had finished everything he had to say.

I glanced at the side of his face.

What does he… want to do tomorrow?

Of course, it was my father who arranged our meetings, but I was confident that Lennon would take care of that part.

“Don’t ask me what I’m going to do tomorrow. Because I won’t tell you.”

I seriously wondered if Lennon could read my thoughts.

I took a couple of deep breaths, pushing the unnecessary thoughts aside.

Then, my strangely agitated heart began to calm down little by little.

“Instead, I want you to figure out what we’re going to do by tomorrow. That’s your assignment for today.”

“… … .”

“That’s a lot of assignments, huh? Did you even notice why I chose you to be my partner?”

I just frowned.

“Idiot. I kept telling you earlier, you’re not boring. You’re the most fun to be around.”

Ah. I nodded in understanding.

“Well, there’s no reward for this one, but if you can guess what I’m going to do tomorrow… what would be a good reward then?”

Well.

I thought about what we would do tomorrow and, more importantly, what kind of reward I should get from him.

This continued until we arrived at our destination.

* * *

Before getting off the carriage parked in front of my house, Lennon handed me a white envelope.

It was my allowance for whenever I decided to run away.

“I put it in enough so that you wouldn’t be disappointed.”

I hid it in the sleeve of my dress.

I felt fortunate that the dress had wide sleeves.

At least my father won’t find out.

“And Ellie.”

Lennon uncharacteristically called me by my first name.

He usually called me “Miss Ellie” or “Miss” when he addressed me.

Lennon had a look on his face that suggested he was about to say something meaningful.

“We talked a lot on the carriage, but there’s something I wanted to say.”

“… … .”

“Go find your purpose, because life is shorter than you think.”

What about my life?

Lennon continued, unable to read my thoughts this time.

“I wonder how you feel when you do something of your own volition.”

Life is shorter than you think.

The feeling I get when I do something that comes from my own will.

I gripped the white envelope tighter.

I hoped that what I would do with the money Lennon gave me was something that began with my own will.

* * *

The next day, when I left my room and came down to the first floor, I heard someone snoring.

It belonged to my mother, who had come in around dawn.

She was sprawled out on the couch, sound asleep.

My father was nowhere to be seen.

I wondered if he had only stopped by the house for a moment and gone to the barony, or if he had never come home in the first place…

I walked across the living room.

So as not to wake my mother. Quietly.

Because even though “mother” was a pretense, we had a very awkward relationship.

A mother’s arms? Love? I’d long since forgotten what those things felt like.

The sight of my mother, sober, smiling at me, was a faint afterimage in my memory.

I took a couple steps, and then I heard my mother’s voice.

“… Ellie.”

It was the first time I had heard her say my name in quite some time.

She usually called everyone, including family members, ‘hey’ and ‘you.’

My mother lifted her hand from where she lay on the couch, beckoning to me.

‘Come closer.’

It was a gesture with that meaning.

What does Mother want to say?

I approached the sofa.

My drunken mother was not in good shape. Her face was red and her eyes were barely open.

The smell of alcohol that came out every time she exhaled was disgusting. It was enough to make even me drunk if I kept smelling it.

I thought it was a good thing she didn’t try gambling.

An alcoholic who liked gambling was difficult to deal with in many ways. Maybe even more than my father.

Of course, she wasn’t born with a love for alcohol.

A long time ago, in a hazy, almost crumbling memory, there was an image of an ordinary mother.

Her face was etched with a thin smile, her clothes were worn but clean, and she abstained from alcohol.

When did that mother become dependent on alcohol?

I thought back to a few years ago when my mother was drunk and unable to greet me.

‘My child… … ‘My child is gone.’

That was the day my younger sibling was sold to a slave trader.

“Ellie, what do you think life is?”

It’s life.

To me, that was the meaning of life.

When I woke up and opened my eyes, I lived that day, and when I could breathe, I just breathed.

There was no real meaning there.

The topic changed quickly.

“You… Don’t you want to know where your sister went?”

“… … .”

“… I happened to see your sister on the street. The man with Isabelle was a handsome young man wearing clean clothes. Cream colored shirt… Black jacket…that fits quite nicely. His hair color… Was it golden? Some kind of noble, I guess.”

A handsome young man with golden hair wearing nice clothes…

Putting them together, there was one man that popped into my head.

Even though I had limited interpersonal relationships, there was a man who fit the bill perfectly.

He was…

But my mother’s next words made me stop thinking about him.

“So don’t worry about it. It might be better there than here, just like your father said.”

But Mother.

You can’t judge a book by its cover, can you?

Hayden, Lennon, Lebrado.

They all looked very normal on the outside, but they all had unusual stories.

I thought I would take the time to look around the street for myself.

Maybe I would run into my sister by chance.

My mother spoke as if she had finished what she wanted to say.

“You can go now. I’m going back to bed.”

Her annoyance was evident as she turned around to leave.

A couple of knocks sounded on the front door.

It wasn’t long before I heard the voice of the person who knocked on the door.

“Master! Master! Your faithful pet dog is here!”

“… … .”

I was silent. I had no idea what kind of face to make.

My mother looked at me strangely. Then she asked.

“Hey, you… Since when have you had a talking dog?”

I shook my head.

Unfortunately, that was a human.