No Dark Secrets In This Book

Episode 97

“You know, you can kill me.”

Ryuseong was not someone who had never been unhappy. Rather, he might have been even more unhappy than Cassice Demillang. A child of the wasteland who had to grow up tearing apart corpses in a territory of monsters without humans. There was no way one could say such a life was not unhappy.

Moreover, Ryuseong had to lose his close friends and comrades one by one to save the world, and sometimes had to abandon them. That’s how he had to survive. That’s how the life he lived was. He even had to watch the world collapse while feeling pain and screams and anger that felt like his mind was shattering after being betrayed by Cassice Demillang and losing his parents and friends in that timeline.

However, Ryuseong was not someone who measured the depth of unhappiness and inflicted wounds, and above all, there are clearly parts where people who have tasted despair can resonate with each other… Ryuseong felt like he finally understood you now.

“You have to take responsibility… for daring to say you love me.”

Seeing you say it’s okay to die if I say I love you even if it’s a lie, and saying I know the weight of those words now… and apologizing for only realizing it now…

It was a different resonance from the misunderstanding he had before. At one point, when Ryuseong saw Cassice Demillang’s childhood, he thought he could finally understand him. At that time, Ryuseong thought Cassice Demillang didn’t know the value of his body because he experienced violence too routinely. So he thought he didn’t even know this was a miserable thing.

But it wasn’t that you didn’t know the feeling of being miserable. It was because you had to live without thinking of the word miserable.

Ryuseong, who wandered the wasteland, didn’t know from the start that he was dignified. He was ignorant because no one taught him the value of humans. But you would have known. Thanks to your parents’ love, you would have known how precious and valuable you are. So, you continued to be deprived while knowing.

I have no intention of daring to judge which side is more painful.

But you would have constantly compared. At the academy, seeing countless peers living normally, you would have had to continue the thought that this treatment is normal for you because you are not dignified. Because that’s how you could live. Because if you were treated like this despite being dignified, you couldn’t bear it anymore…

But Ryuseong dared to invade your self with the concept of love, breaking down your defense mechanism and making you see reality. He dared to touch you. You were already precarious, on the verge of collapsing…

‘Ah. What arrogance was it?’

Ryuseong wanted to shout that he loves you so much it suffocates him. He wanted to prove how much he loves you if asked. He wanted to take out his heart and show it to you.

But he couldn’t do that. You haven’t listened to his words at all until now. In other words, Ryuseong failed to convince you. It wasn’t Cassice Demillang’s fault. It was his own fault for not giving sincere trust to a meticulously broken and twisted heart. Even if he confessed his love, it didn’t seem like it would be different now.

He had to change the method. This was all thanks to Cassice Demillang becoming honest. He was grateful. And at the same time, he hated everything that pushed him to the edge.

‘Including myself.’

I couldn’t even imagine how excruciatingly painful it must have been for you to be this honest.

It was so miserable that I wanted to die… But paradoxically, I wanted to live.

Because Cassice Demillang demanded responsibility.

“…”

Ryuseong had to take responsibility.

***

I don’t know what that bastard Ryuseong is thinking. He just stares at me hollowly with his vivid blue eyes. His stiffly carved cheeks tremble intermittently. Are you in pain or do you want to laugh? If it were me, I think I would want to laugh. Even I think I’m ridiculous. I think I’m fucking ridiculous. I want to throw a guy who thinks in this way, pathologically, into a sewer somewhere. I want to chop up his broken head on a cutting board and pour it into the gutter. I want to make him disappear from this world like that.

If it rains, the blood will be washed away too. The blood spatters on the asphalt will all be washed away when it rains. No traces will remain. That would be nice…

If the sewer design is poor, it might not be effective. What if the blood doesn’t wash away enough and pools? Realizations like killing me is difficult come with it.

I’ve always found it unbearable that killing myself is difficult. Even if I try to commit suicide, I didn’t want to bring misfortune to our well-off family. Why do I have to do that? Our family is doing well as long as I endure. But sometimes when I felt like I couldn’t endure something, I thought,

‘Wow. I wish someone with a grudge against our family would luckily stab me.’

That’s how chaebol families are. Those who have grown by sucking others’ blood and sweat tend to accumulate a lot of resentment. So I thought I wish I could take that resentment. Then my death would be natural and fortunate. Anyway, it seemed better for me to die than my older brothers. Of course.

That’s how it was. Life was about determining the order. Not all humans were precious. They say there’s no finger that doesn’t hurt when you bite it, but there are separate fingers to wear jeweled rings and separate nails to get nail art.

I didn’t despair because I was pushed back in the order. It was okay to be sent as a role to receive the anger of my demented great-grandfather like a scapegoat shaman. It was bearable to start being treated as a non-existent being in our family. Because my family was happy because I took on that role. So there was no particular problem.

But sometimes when I wanted to die, I thought like that. I wish someone would kill me. Directly killing myself seemed like a selfish act no matter how I thought about it…

What’s the difference between the two? There’s a difference in active and passive. Someone else killing me has the advantage of them taking the effort I would have to put in. Hearing this much, the former might seem selfish, but listen more. A person with a grudge is usually happy when committing murder. Then, wouldn’t it be killing two birds with one stone by resolving someone else’s grudge and fulfilling my desire to die? Plus, if someone else kills me, they’ll clean up the body to avoid getting caught for their crime, so it’s a complete win. Without bothering others too.

‘They’ll be shocked to see the body. Everyone.’

In that sense, I gave Ryuseong an opportunity to resolve his grudge. An opportunity to get rid of a trashy, hateful enemy who dared to kill your family and friends… Forget it. I don’t have the energy to make excuses anymore. I’m a fucking selfish piece of shit. Are you satisfied now?

I’m hurting you because I’m scared to die.

I hated myself for being like this too. I wanted to kill myself. I was hateful, unscrupulous, and disgusting. But I still ended up saying it. Just because I wanted to say it, I… How can I be this selfish… I didn’t want to see your eyes anymore. I couldn’t look. I closed my eyes for a moment. The tears that had welled up were pushed by my eyelids and flowed down.

But the next moment when you started speaking, I had no choice but to be startled and open my eyes.

“To get to the point, thank you. I love you too. We’ll be real lovers from now on. It’s embarrassing, but thank you so much for the passionate confession…”

“…Are you crazy?”

Hey, you. Crazy. Fucking, son of a bitch. All kinds of curses swirled in my mouth. But if I really spit out the words I’m thinking, I’ll be blocked by the Korea Communications Standards Commission. I managed to take a breath to compose myself and then shouted.

“How did you take my words?”

Phew. The polite speech is back now. It must mean I have room to come to my senses.

But Ryuseong seemed to be trying to completely drive me crazy.

“You’re the one who shouldn’t stick your foot in your mouth. You’re afraid I won’t take responsibility for you, right?”

“What, what. Bullshit…”

“Don’t worry. I’ll take responsibility.”

…You bastard. I’m not a spinning top. I’ll die if you keep spinning me. I’m not a spinning top, so if you keep spinning my happiness circuit, it’ll burn out, the circuit will burn! I’m telling you it’s on fire?

“Stop messing with me. For me to say these words…”

“The person I love.”

“You fucking bastard.”

I finally burst out cursing, panting.

“What the fuck will you take responsibility for! You’re fucking weak!”

A kick came with it.

But Ryuseong calmly dodged that kick, returned to his place, nodded his head and said,

“You’re the one who’s indeed weak. I have no choice but to protect you. Accept it and take it. This is the gap between you and me…”

“Are you fucking with me now? Who are you to mess with me…”

“I’ll take responsibility.”

“…”

Ryuseong’s pupils shimmered blue, making my insides churn. Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe.

You, right now… are you being sincere?