No Dark Secrets In This Book

Episode 89

‘…It’s not just doomed?’

The crying didn’t stop. Swallowing the wet sobs filled with moisture below my Adam’s apple didn’t work.

It was rare for me to shed tears. I mean really crying, not just a physiological response.

Not following the principle of the tear glands automatically injecting moisture when the cornea becomes dry, but me, falling to the point where I can’t control myself.

“…Don’t look at me. Take your eyes off. Go away.”

I shouldn’t have collapsed. Not just because I’m Cassice Demillang, but because that’s how I’ve always been. The person called Jeong Ian was not someone who could collapse and that fact alone was my pride. The strong mental strength that I could laugh off any incident with just a snort was supporting me.

But I really cried. The mere fact that you might have died stimulated me. It made me unable to maintain my composure. It crushed my reason. It shattered my existence. This wasn’t what I intended. I was supposed to ruin you, not break down myself.

That fucking bastard must have cast a spell on me. Otherwise, there’s no way I, as a person, would crumble into such a mess. I tried to step back while pressing my eyes hard with the back of my hand as if poking them.

For now, I had to run away from you. I couldn’t show this pathetic state in my right mind…

“Where are you going?”

“…Fuck, let go.”

I can’t even speak properly. No, to be precise, it’s dangerous because the acting keeps shaking and Jeong Ian’s way of speaking tries to pop out from within it. I feel it’s excruciating to maintain the mask of Cassice Demillang. Come to think of it, I also have a self, but having to live as someone else is a harsh thing, I think. I didn’t know well because I was used to it, but maybe that’s a sad thing too. Even if it’s not abuse. Even if it’s not as massive a scar as what Cassice Demillang suffered.

So what I want to say is…

“If you want to make me kneel, just do it.”

“…What?”

“I’ll do whatever you ask me to do. But, right now, don’t look at me. This kind of state is… Hic.”

The rest of the words were swallowed. My voice melted down below my Adam’s apple like ink flowing from a fountain pen. It’s because my tear-soaked cheek was grabbed. Your large and firm grip held my face with one hand, making it impossible for me to back away, and you, who approached like that, swallowed my lips.

Because you kissed me… I couldn’t say anything.

And maybe I wanted this.

‘You despicable bastard.’

It’s not directed at Ryuseong. I’m saying it to myself. Jeong Ian, I’m really a son of a bitch. I suspected myself that I might have deliberately collapsed because I knew Ryuseong would hug me if I showed a weak side. Because I knew he would embrace me kindly if I became vulnerable, I might have intentionally created an opening. Because I am originally a person who is disgustingly selfish, I might have schemed without even realizing it myself. I was always that kind of bastard.

And Ryuseong didn’t know me.

‘Unfortunately…’

He didn’t thrust his tongue deep. He pressed his lips against mine, drew out my tongue through the open gap and sucked it in, licked and nibbled on my upper lip as if licking it, gently bit my lower lip, and Ryuseong kissed me lovingly as if comforting a lover. You don’t know what kind of stability that short moment gives me, what kind of vulgar thoughts it makes me have. You can be kind to me because you don’t know.

‘Right now, I want to pounce on you.’

I don’t want you to wiggle cutely, I want you to suffocate me. A humane guy really doesn’t suit me after all. I liked a fucking bastard like myself. I liked a son of a bitch because no matter how I manipulated them, I didn’t feel guilty. A guy like you who gently kisses even the enemy who killed all your family, friends, and acquaintances before regression, shouldn’t have gotten involved with someone like me.

But I fell in love with you because you’re that kind of guy. The first night we spent together, at that moment when you gently hugged me, I felt as if I was a precious person. You know that feeling. Sweet and fragrant, like it will break if you touch it.

At that time, it seemed like you thought I was light. You called me so pretty that the frequency of looking in the mirror increased after that day. I even thought I was fortunate to have possessed Cassice Demillang because you called me pretty. If I had possessed an extra that looked like a lump of flour dough, I wouldn’t have heard such words from you.

No matter how thorny the path of Cassice Demillang’s life was foretold, at that moment, I felt like I could fly in the sky.

‘I guess I really do love you.’

I think the reason the tears don’t stop is because I thought you might have died. To put it bluntly, I just had to kill only you. Right? Because there’s no one else who can threaten me except you, I could have just killed you from the beginning and been safe. But I even boldly declared that I wanted to spend the night with you. Maybe I liked you from that moment. I guess I was really into the protagonist I only saw in books.

At first, I thought once would be enough.

But once I tasted it, the thirst intensified.

‘You are like seawater.’

I know that the more I drink, the more thirsty I become. But I can’t give up. Even though it’s a sweet kiss, it tastes of tears, but I can’t take my lips off.

‘I want more.’

I wrapped my arms around your neck. Even though it was just an embrace, I whimpered as if I was anxious because I didn’t like that you flinched a little. You soothed me like that, lightly rubbing under my chin with your hand and adjusting the angle. To make it easier to kiss… But I didn’t want to end with just a kiss.

I didn’t want to end it. I wanted to have you even if it meant ruining my strong self-esteem. If I show a weak and broken side, you’ll hug me a little more, right? That expectation was implicitly there. I really want to die from hurt pride, but even so, if I think you’ll hug me, my mouth is already sweet.

If I’m going to ruin you, it had to be me. And only you could break me.

Why did I realize that now?

“…Are you calm now?”

Ryuseong softly detached his lips and quietly asked, embracing my cheeks with both hands. I was still crying, but at least I wasn’t sobbing violently to the point of suffocating. The tears were just flowing thinly like a broken faucet. Thanks to that, no film formed on my retina. That meant you were clearly visible.

He pitied me and was worried about me. In his blue eyes, only I shone, and the rest had no luster like inanimate objects. I was happy that he was completely absorbed in me and out of it. It felt quite good that he gently caressed me carefully, as if handling something that might break at any moment.

But maybe I wanted to break. It was a feeling I didn’t even know myself, but I might have wanted to be torn to shreds all this time. I might have wished to be shattered and trampled on like a mess.

And since you were the only person in this world who could truly ruin me.

I smiled softly.

“It’s not enough…”

I smiled as if a willow tree was bending and moved my eyelids slowly. Blink, blink, the skin covered my pupils and every time it went back up, thick eyelashes fluttered like butterflies and dropped tears down.

This was a smile closer to Jeong Ian than Cassice Demillang. Because it’s closer to sexiness than venom.

So I might be getting a little comfort just from the fact that I’m treating you as myself.

On the other hand, Ryuseong seemed anxious.

“What can I do to make you comfortable?”

…He seemed to want me to be happy. I think it’s a really absurd desire though.

Still, there was a fragment that made me happy enough not to kick you away. Even if it’s not complete happiness, even if it’s a joy that will soon disappear like a soap bubble. I was alive here, and you would never be able to recognize me within Cassice Demillang, but…

“Kiss me. That’s what I want.”

It was me who was kissing you.

Even if I was the only one who knew, I was happy about that.

“…Can I do it like before?”

When he asked carefully, I slowly shook my head. Ryuseong narrowed his eyes with an expression of disbelief.

Even if you do that, what I’m going to say won’t change.

I smiled with somewhat sad eyes.

“Until I’m a mess…”

It was me, not Cassice Demillang, who was kissing you. I sincerely wished for just that one thing. I wanted you to kiss me until my memory flew away. I wanted the violation of shoving your thick tongue down my throat. Actually, anyone might have been fine, but I thought you would be good. A cowardly kid like me just wanted to use you for that reason. And as I spat out the last word, everything became clear as to why I wanted you of all people.

“Try raping me.”

I’ll give myself to you, so… ruin me.

Ah, maybe I want to be ruined by your hands.

Then it would make sense for the tears to flow. It’s not a crazy guy suddenly bawling…

‘You think of me as someone who can cry. I think I might like that…’

Blue is rising in your eyes. I know how the soft smile I’m making will look. I was a fragment of a wave that looked like it would break at any moment, and since foam dries up easily, you had to overwhelm me by becoming the tide. Just because I ordered you to, you had to do it.

And you pulled me down in one breath. The sensation of falling pulled by gravity eerily tickled my spine, but your forearms wrapped around my back were firmly supporting me, so I fell lightly like a straw.

Lying on the snow as you laid me down, I looked up at you and touched the tip of your chin with my fingertips.

“…”

Our lips overlapped again.