MADMAN APOCALYPSE

“A metro tunnel!?” I yelled at Panda. “Why would you bring us here!?”

“It was the most obvious choice for how to find the Broadcast Nest!” he replied, though he also clearly didn’t like the fact that the voice of the man-eating Metro Train was coming closer-and-closer. “It’s probably below this place, so we just need to find a stairwell or some service ladder.”

“It does make sense that they would hide in a place people are unlikely to visit,” Bee said.

She wasn’t wrong, of course, but it was hard to rationalize a decision that put us right into the home of the scariest creature we’d encountered thus far.

[出口はございません。逃げるのはおやめください。]

“She’s saying, ‘There is no exit, please do not run’,” Bee translated.

“You really don’t have to do that,” I told her.

A drawn-out noise came from behind us, the ground trembling as the Metro monster probably dragged itself down the brightly-lit tunnel. We continued rolling down along the metal tracks, and I realized that the ground here wasn’t damaged from the Metro passing through in the past, perhaps thanks to the metal guides and ample space.

“This tunnel is way bigger than any normal Metro tunnel,” Bee commented, almost reading my mind.

“Maybe it expands as the Man-Eater Metro grows?” Panda guessed.

That was an unsettling prospect, but it might make some sense, if this was the domain of the monstrosity and the two were linked together.

I pointed back the way we’d come and said, “.unicorn( )!”

“What’d you do that for?” Panda asked.

I craned my neck back just in time to see a rainbow manifest across the width of the tunnel, with a cloud at one end and a black pot full of gold in the other.

Then a short and very hairy red-haired imp with long floppy ears, a green suit, and a top hat appeared next to the pot, rubbing his hands in apparent glee.

“Oh, me pot o’ gold!” he said as though he was in love.

“That’s a pretty horrible caricature of Irish people,” Bee commented.

I brought the longboard to a halt, just as a rainbow puff of smoke came from behind the imp and a bi-pedal unicorn appeared, wearing a black ski-mask and wielding an aluminum baseball bat.

“Watch out!” Bee yelled to the imp, but it was too late.

A loud smack came as the unicorn whacked the imp in the head with its bat. Then it grabbed the pot of gold and vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving behind the rainbow and imp, who slowly bled out on the floor of the tunnel.

“Huh, not what I expected.”

“Why are you stopping? Go, go!” Panda yelled, just as the voice of the Metro rang down the underground again.

I blinked the confusion away and hopped back on my board, while Bee began flying forward on her own. No sooner had I picked up some speed than the mouth at the front said:

[SEE YOU LATER ALLIGATOR!]

The longboard vanished under me and I tumbled forward, smashing my chin into the concrete floor.

“Ow. That smarts.”

The drawn-out noise grew louder and I instinctively looked back, seeing the rainbow dissipate, while the imp’s corpse remained where it’d fallen. Past that was a large window set into an amalgamation of metal and flesh, below which was a bottomless black maw, ready to devour us.

[まもなく、お客様方はわたしの中に入ります。]

“Soon, passengers will enter my tummy,” Bee translated.

I quickly unequipped my suit through my Inventory, as I ran away as fast as I could. Although the Schmonic Boots prevented me from unlocking the full speed of BIRTHDAY_SUIT, their additional speed more than made up for it.

The noise became louder-and-louder, while I pushed my legs to their utmost limit, the muscles in my calves feeling like they might snap from the strain.

Then an idea entered my mind. It was frankly quite an obvious one.

I skidded to a halt.

“What are you doing, idiot!?”

“Why are we looking for stairs or a ladder, when we can make our own entrance??”

I swung my fist down against the concrete floor.

“Pow!!” exclaimed Brock.

The stone crumbled with ease, though the floor was clearly quite thick.

Bee alighted next to me, while I kept punching the floor, as the Man-Eating Metro rapidly closed the distance.

“Watch out,” she said and dropped a fully-charged Beetle Bomb down into the hole I’d made.

I took a step back while blowing air into the valve attached to the wrist of my balloon gauntlet.

“I’ll burst!!” Brock said excitedly.

Blam!

The Beetle Bomb widened the hole but there was still a bit to go, so, with Brock bloated with potent energy, I brought out my Giant-Slayer Soul Blade. The yellow carrot spear manifested in my hands and I lifted it above my head, charging it up to full, before slamming it tip-first into the floor.

BOOM!!

The explosion sent a quake through the metro tunnel and even the approaching monstrosity paused, as only thirty yards separated us. The backlash of the impact flung me back several yards, though Bee was able to use her wings to keep herself from flying away.

As the concrete dust dissipated, a large hole was visible where I’d struck.

“Go!” I yelled to Bee.

[逃げるのはおやめください。]

The Metro Train surged forward and Bee immediately hopped down the hole, bringing Panda with her. A second later, the World Boss moved over the hole and continued heading for me.

It was too late for me to escape, so I did the only stupid thing I could think of in the moment.

I ran towards the Metro.

“If this kills me, I’ll be sent back to the Asylum,” I muttered, annoyed.

The Metro loomed over me as the distance between us shrunk. It felt like time slowed down as I looked up at the massive window at the front of its ‘face’, as well as the big bottomless gaping maw below it. Behind the window pane was a whirling mess of restless ghosts, whose hands left bloody prints on the glass. All of them seemed to say the same thing: ‘Don’t get eaten!’

I dodgerolled.

It was a weird feeling, as the massive body of the monstrosity moved through me, the I-Frames passive allowing me to phase its attack.

Spoiler

It was a good thing that it trying to devour me was considered an attack, but the next issue was the matter of its tremendous length, and I found myself having to keep rolling, while my momentum carried me forwards.

The Man-Eater’s figure just kept going-and-going, while I continued rolling along the floor, unable to see since I was phasing through its metal-and-flesh body.

Then I felt a sudden rush as the ground vanished beneath me.

I bonked my head on something hard and stars filled my vision, but I kept falling.

The noise of the Metro Monster suddenly faded and I opened my eyes, seeing the concrete ceiling pulling away from me as I plummeted.

A moment later, I collided with something springy and sticky, continuing to plummet for a couple seconds more, before the thing that’d caught me bounced back up.

“Gambit!” Bee exclaimed, coming over to me, as the bouncy new floor kept vibrating up-and-down in ever-decreasing motions.

I peeled myself off the sticky ground to look around.

We were caught in a massive spiderweb anchored to the metro tunnel above, while hanging over a dark unfathomable abyss.

With a contended sigh, I laid back down.

“I knew that would work.”

Lordie popped out of his Transport Cage, skittered around on my chest for a moment, before taking in our surroundings.

“Meow!” he exclaimed and disappeared back into the Cage.

“Huh, that’s ironic,” I muttered.

“What’d he say?” Panda wondered, as he climbed down from Bee’s shoulder to stand next to my head.

“Apparently he’s afraid of spiders.”