Lost

Someone had to either bring supplies or come in and give us the essentials and food. One way or another, it meant the ship was coming in.“Jung Woojin.”“Yes?”“…….”I felt my hand tremble. Gripping the spoon tightly, I tried to act casual as I asked.“What’s today’s date?”Today was July 14. Since it had been four days since I got here, it had to be the 14th. Even if I had passed out for a day, it would be the 15th. But my guess was way off.“It’s the 21st.”“……What?”“July 21st. Want me to peel more shrimp for you?”Jung Woojin asked with a clear, innocent face. I just sat there, dumbfounded, unable to blink.“Did you say July 21st?”“Yes.”“…….”The last time Jung Woojin had told me he’d buy me lunch was on July 10. Today marked the fourth day of being trapped here. Even if I had passed out from the drugs, it couldn’t have been more than a day.With a twisted expression, I asked again.“How long has it been since I got here?”“About ten days.”“…….”Jung Woojin finished peeling the shrimp on the plate, wiped his hands, and looked up. His dark eyes stared right into mine, and a chill ran down my spine again.“……When did I wake up here?”“Four days ago, on the 17th.”“When did I get in your car?”“The 10th.”Damn it. I dropped the spoon I was holding.“Then what the hell was I doing for a whole week while it was raining?”My hands trembled uncontrollably. Sitting across from me, Jung Woojin stood up, picked up the fallen spoon, placed it in the sink, and handed me a new one.“You were having sex with me.”“Ugh!”I immediately vomited up the spoonful of rice and beef I had just eaten.No matter how much I gagged, nothing else came up after that first time. Ignoring the dirty mess covering the neatly set table, Jung Woojin gently patted my back. Then, as my dry heaving began to subside, he lifted me up.“Let go of me!”I shook off his arm and bolted to the bathroom. I couldn’t even look back, terrified that Jung Woojin might be following me. As soon as I slammed the bathroom door shut and locked it, I heard a soft click from the doorknob turning. Outside, I could hear Jung Woojin sigh. The revolting taste lingering in my mouth made my stomach churn again. Leaning against the wall, I bent over and dry heaved into the air a few more times. Everything was spinning, and I felt like I was losing my mind.“Sunbae, are you okay?”Knock, knock. I heard a knock followed by his calm, usual voice, and tears welled up in my eyes. I rinsed my mouth with water from the sink, then grabbed the coat rack leaning against the corner and blocked the door with it. It was like trying to stop a tiger with straw, but it was all I could do. Trembling all over, I just stared at the door when I heard the knocking again.“Please open the door.”I breathed shallowly and glared at the disposable razor lying on the sink.“Please, Sunbae, open the door before I do.”Before he even finished speaking, I grabbed the shiny razor and approached the door. Leaning against the wall, I took a deep breath when I heard his voice again.“I was wrong.”“…….”“I’m sorry. I promise I’ll never do it again.”It sounded like he said it lightly, but his tone felt sincere. Yet, even if he meant it, what did it matter? Jung Woojin had already done something unforgivable.“Jung Woojin.”My throat hurt. I guess my voice had gotten hoarse. When I softly called his name, Jung Woojin answered from the other side of the door. His voice sounded deflated when he replied, “Yes?”“Are you sorry?”“I’m sorry. I was wrong.”“How many times have you apologized after locking me up here?”I didn’t want to, but my voice kept trembling. I struggled to calm it down, trying not to sound like I was about to cry, and continued speaking.“Do you know how many times you’ve told me you’re sorry, that it was a mistake, and that you wouldn’t do it again?”“Sunbae, just open the door.”“You must be so annoyed that I keep trying to run. Why don’t you just cut off my legs with a saw and say sorry, huh?”“……”I gripped the razor tighter. I felt a sharp sting as the blade dug into my palm. When I glanced down, I saw drops of blood dripping from the hand holding the razor.“What are you going to do if I don’t open the door? You’ll just bust in and beat me up, won’t you?”“How could I ever do that…?”“And then you’ll put some ointment on and say you’re sorry. Isn’t that what you do?”I thought I must be born for this. Otherwise, how could I have enjoyed it so much when he violated me? But what? A whole week of sex? No wonder my body reacted so strangely. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing.“A whole week of sex?”“Sunbae, please open the door.”“Do you even know what sex is? Sex is something you do with mutual consent. What you and I did wasn’t sex; it was rape, you bastard.”“Open the door.”“I’m not opening it. Just do what you always do—break in and act like nothing’s wrong.”“Open the door.”Just one more time. If I provoked him once more, Jung Woojin would break the door or unlock it and come in. I gripped the razor even tighter.“When you’re pissed off, you take it out on me by fucking me, don’t you?”Bang! A deafening noise hit me like a punch.Then bang, bang, bang! The loud sound kept repeating. Every time it rang out, my shoulders flinched. But then it stopped. The door didn’t break—maybe it was sturdier than I thought. I stared at the doorknob with wide eyes. Now, the furious Jung Woojin would unlock the door and come in. Even if I tried to stab him with the razor, it wouldn’t be a fatal wound. The neck, I’ll slash his throat. If I cut deeply where the Adam’s apple sticks out, he won’t be able to move for a while. I was so focused on hurting him that I didn’t even realize the razor was digging deeper into my palm. Sweat dripped from my chin.“Sunbae.”I froze. My breath stopped. It startled me. The door hadn’t opened, but I heard Jung Woojin softly calling me. That’s when I realized the razor was halfway embedded in my hand. Suddenly, the pain I hadn’t felt rushed in like a wave. I groaned silently and collapsed onto the bathroom floor. Even when I opened my hand and let it hang down, the razor was stuck deep in my palm.“I’ll be cleaning up the kitchen, so cool off and come out when you’re ready.”His footsteps grew more distant. Once the sound faded completely, the pain in my palm peaked. I clenched my teeth and pulled out the razor with my other hand. Blood gushed out violently.“Damn it…”The pain in my palm was unbearable. I lay on the floor, crying silently.I was overwhelmed by pain, fear, and despair—all the negative emotions I hadn’t felt earlier washed over me in waves. I could barely breathe.I didn’t know how much time had passed. I lay there, sobbing quietly, until the pain in my hand began to fade. When I lifted my head, my vision was blurry. My eyes throbbed as if they were about to pop out, and my head felt like it would explode. There wasn’t a single part of my body that didn’t hurt. The bleeding from my hand had stopped, leaving a crusted layer of dried blood. I stared blankly at the sticky, dark-red blood before crawling toward the sink. I couldn’t stand properly. I dragged myself across the floor and managed to stand up in front of the sink. My legs were trembling uncontrollably. I cursed under my breath as I slapped my legs.My legs felt paralyzed; I couldn’t put any strength into them. I leaned heavily on the sink for support and turned on the water. The cold splash against my face snapped me back to reality, not because the water was cold, but because the pain in my hand was excruciating.“Damn it.”My hand had started bleeding again. As I pressed my palm under the flowing water, I watched the pinkish blood swirl down the drain. I wrapped my bleeding hand with a white towel and removed the coat rack I had used to block the door. I pressed my ear to the door but heard nothing. How much time had passed? What was Jung Woojin doing? Was he still in the kitchen? If he had finished cleaning, he would have come back and called for me. Since I couldn’t hear anything, he was probably still in the kitchen.I should get out before he comes back and lock the door.“……”I hesitated with my hand on the doorknob. What if I stepped out and Jung Woojin was still there? I tossed the bloodstained razor into the trash and grabbed a fresh one. This time, I held it gently to avoid injuring myself again, and reached for the doorknob once more.That bastard better not come near me.Gritting my teeth, I opened the door. It unlocked without a sound. Slowly, I peeked out, but no one was there. I sighed in relief and stepped out of the bathroom. Just one step—after one single step, I dropped the razor.“……”It was Jung Woojin.He was crouched right next to the bathroom door, knees pulled up to his chest, head bowed down with his face buried, like a fetus curled up in its mother’s womb. Blood dripped from his hands as they clutched his knees.I stared at the back of Jung Woojin’s head as he sat there, not even breathing. Then, he slowly lifted his head. His face was pale as if he had been crying for hours, and his eyes were red and swollen. He looked up at me, his face soaked in tears. His dark, clear eyes filled up again with tears.“Sunbae, I was wrong…”Before he could even finish, he closed his mouth. Slowly, as if in slow motion, his gaze followed the movement of his head lowering, and he saw my hand wrapped in the white towel. He reached out toward me, his expression blank, as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. I couldn’t take my eyes off his hands as they reached closer.Jung Woojin’s hands were like wet rags, soaked in blood.“Damn it, why is this…?”“……”“Are you hurt?”“……”“I’m asking if you’re hurt!”Jung Woojin suddenly stood up and shouted angrily. Tears streamed down his face as he hastily unwrapped the towel around my hand. The blood had dried, sticking the towel to my palm. I groaned softly, and more tears welled up in his eyes.“How did this happen? Why did you do this? Does it hurt a lot?”“……”“Damn it, Sunbae, are you crazy?”As the towel came off, the long gash on my palm was revealed. With his swollen, bloodied hands, Jung Woojin carefully held mine. His knuckles were raw, and blood was oozing from where the bones jutted out. He must have injured them when he punched the door earlier. His blood dripped onto my scabbed hand, pooling there.“If you were mad at me, you should’ve hit me! Why did you hurt yourself?!”Still clutching my hand, Jung Woojin cried like a child. His sobs only grew louder, as if he had decided to let everything out. He looked like a lost child who had just lost his mother.“What did I tell you? I said if you get hurt without my permission, I’d tie you to the bed… I—damn it…”I stood there, frozen, staring blankly at Jung Woojin sobbing uncontrollably. For some reason, I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t say anything. I just stood there, watching him cry. His pitiful, desperate tears reminded me of someone I had seen before.＊＊＊Watching Jung Woojin disinfect the wound on my palm while tears dripped down his face, I felt a cold chill wash over me. Just a moment ago, I had been so disoriented that I felt nauseous.The wound on my palm wasn’t that deep—just a small cut from the razor. In fact, Jung Woojin’s injuries were far worse than mine. His feet were scraped, his lips were cracked and oozing, his forehead had an ugly scar from not being treated properly, and his once delicate, pale hands were now swollen and bruised. Though he was cleaning my wound with an antiseptic-soaked cotton ball, the bloodstains didn’t disappear because his own blood kept dripping onto my palm. The whole thing was pointless, but I didn’t bother to stop him. I was too exhausted. My eyes were so dry that I had to close them. In the blackness behind my eyelids, vague shapes appeared and disappeared.When I opened my eyes again, Jung Woojin was applying ointment to my hand. The pale ointment mixed with the blood, turning pink. Blood kept flowing from my hand, and tears kept falling from his eyes. Over and over, it repeated.“I’m sorry.”Jung Woojin mumbled in a fragile voice, barely able to speak, biting his lip. His words snapped me back to reality. I blinked a few times and pulled my hand away. I could do it faster on my own.“Sunbae.”But Jung Woojin reached out and grabbed my wrist. His grip was much stronger than when he was tending to my wound. I looked at his hand, which was holding my wrist. Although he was the one grasping me, his hand seemed to be in more pain than mine. I looked up at his tear-streaked face.“What exactly do you want from me?”I already knew what Jung Woojin would say. But I had nothing else to ask him. I was sick of the same question and answer every day, but it seemed Jung Woojin wasn’t tired of it.“I love you.”“……”Love. Love. That damn love.I didn’t say a word as Jung Woojin continued to apply ointment, put on a bandage, and wrapped my hand with gauze. With his hands, now covered in blood scabs, he gently lifted me and laid me down on the bed. My body felt heavy as if it weighed a ton. I pulled the blanket over myself, turned to face the wall, and closed my eyes. Jung Woojin lay down beside me.I’ll sleep for now.I closed my eyes, thinking that, but then Jung Woojin touched my thigh under the blanket. It wasn’t a sexual touch, just a simple one. His lukewarm hand moved from my thigh to the inside of my knee, then down to my calf. His fingertips, crawling over my leg like a bug, finally stopped at my ankle.Jung Woojin stroked my ankle a couple of times and said,“Sunbae.”“……”“I’m sorry.”Jung Woojin, pressed close behind me, began to sob again. His voice, thick with tears, called my name as he buried his face in the nape of my neck. Whether he did that or not, I was already drifting into sleep. Just as I was half-asleep, I heard his faint voice in my ear.“Should I cut off a little bit of your heel or your toes?”“……”The words were terrifying, but his voice was trembling with fear. Cold tears dripped, then streamed down from my neck to my shoulder. Slowly, I opened my eyes and saw the white wallpaper. The fingertips that had been lingering on my ankle now touched my heel. I closed and opened my eyes again, and Jung Woojin whispered in a tearful voice near my ear.“If I cut too much, it’ll look weird, so just a little.”“……”Even though he was talking about cutting off my heel or toes, I didn’t feel anything. I wasn’t scared or worried.“If we use anesthesia, it won’t hurt at all.”“No.”I didn’t think this guy, who freaks out at even the smallest cut on my palm, would actually cut off part of my body. Maybe Jung Woojin said it because,“Why not?”“Shut up.”“Tell me why you don’t want to. Then I won’t do it.”“Don’t talk to me, you little bastard.”Maybe he just wanted to hear my voice.“Sunbae, I’m really sorry. I won’t do it again.”“I said don’t talk to me, damn it.”“So please, don’t do that again, either.”‘Hyung, why shouldn’t we kill cicadas?’Jung Woojin’s voice overlapped with a childish one from my memory. I clenched my teeth as I closed my eyes again.‘Why shouldn’t we kill cicadas?’‘Because it would hurt the cicada.’‘Hyung, can I sleep with you?’‘What? Why are you saying that all of a sudden?’‘I had a scary dream.’There was this strange, skinny kid, all skin and bones. When I ignored him because he was annoying, he’d always ask questions that he knew I couldn’t avoid answering. I used to think he was just strange, but now, thinking back, I felt like I understood.“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. I really won’t.”“……”Maybe that weird kid was just trying to get my attention. Maybe he didn’t really not know why we shouldn’t kill cicadas.＊＊＊That kid was always odd. Whether we were eating, playing with dirt in the playground, or even sleeping.I knew he always hovered around me like a shadow. I knew he was doing strange things to get my attention, and I knew he didn’t like the other kid I was close to. I knew everything. But even so, I ignored him. Not because I found him annoying—though that was part of it—but mostly because it made me feel proud.That weird kid was extremely beautiful. His dark, round eyes, porcelain-like skin, silky hair, and even his fingertips were neat and elegant. The bulldog-faced director, who used to click her tongue and curse at me, would give him treats, and even the other children, who had built emotional walls after being abandoned by their parents, would smile at him. He was the only one in the orphanage who wore gloves even in the dead of winter. And yet, that strange kid would talk to me. He would circle around me, follow me, and watch my every move.Only to me.But why? Since when? Had he always been like that to me? No, I don’t think it was from the start. So, when did it begin?