Lost

“Puahaha! This bastard is throwing up right now!”“Uhhaha!”“Ugh, that’s disgusting!”The creaking sound of a swing echoed.“That bastard said he lives with his mom’s corpse!”A strong wind blew, making the creaking sound even louder.“Hey, stomp harder! Hit him!”“You fucking idiot! Throw up more!”Uhahahaha!I gasped and opened my eyes wide.“Why are you sweating so much?”“Huff, huff…”“Come here.”The malicious laughter wouldn’t leave my ears. Trembling and gasping for breath, Jung Woojin embraced me tightly.“Sleep some more.”“Huff. Sob, hic…”Jung Woojin gently stroked my head and patted my back slowly. His unbelievably soft and kind touch made my body tense up. But strangely, my tears stopped.“Are you in a lot of pain? I’m sorry, it’s my fault.”“Sob…”“Sunbae, it’s my fault. Please don’t cry, it’s my fault.”Jung Woojin kept mumbling, holding my trembling hand. He interlaced his fingers with mine, kissed the back of my hand, licked my palm, and kissed it deeply. There was no sexual intention in it. Jung Woojin placed my hand on his cheek and rubbed it slowly as if clinging to it. In an instant, my palm became wet.“Please, look at me.”Listening to his sobbing voice, I felt my mind gradually fading away.＊ ＊ ＊I finally understood what it meant to feel like you’re going to die from pain.“Just one more spoonful. Okay?”My whole body was burning. All I had was a healthy body and mind, but in the past few days, I lost everything. Because of that bastard in front of me.“Sunbae.”The fever blurred my vision. My head hurt, my eyes hurt, my body hurt, my crotch hurt, everything hurt. Damn, there wasn’t a single part of me that didn’t hurt. Even the slightest movement made my whole body ache. Just a sip of water made me feel like throwing up, but I didn’t have the energy to argue with Jung Woojin, so I silently opened my mouth. As I slowly opened my mouth, Jung Woojin carefully fed me porridge.“…I’m sorry.”“….”I was sick of hearing that apology. I slowly chewed the porridge, but soon I got tired of even chewing, so I just swallowed it. Jung Woojin, who had been watching my throat, looked sullen and held out the spoon again. I firmly closed my mouth and turned my head away. As I let out a low breath, Jung Woojin stood up.“Alright. I’ll get some medicine, so wait a moment.”I watched Jung Woojin’s back as he took the tray and left, then closed my eyes.“…”Click. The sound of the door closing. Feeling as if possessed by something, I hurriedly threw off the blanket and got up. As soon as my feet touched the floor, a searing pain surged through my body. I gritted my teeth and opened the window. For some reason, Jung Woojin had even dressed me. Though I only wore a shirt without pants, it felt like a gesture to help me escape.“Damn it.”I stumbled as I climbed out the window. Stepping on a sharp stone, my foot hurt, but that wasn’t the problem now. I staggered along the mountain path. When I first escaped at night, I couldn’t see anything, but in daylight, the scenery was breathtaking. The air was fresh, the view was amazing, and damn it, if only Jung Woojin weren’t there, it would be a paradise.“Gasp.”I was out of breath quickly, probably because my body wasn’t in good shape. The uphill path made it even harder.The first time I tried to escape, I ran towards the sea and got caught right away. This time, I decided to go up. If I couldn’t escape whether I went down or up, hiding was the best option. Although this was an island, so hiding wouldn’t make much difference, at least I could buy some time. My body and mind were in tatters, leaving me no room to think. If I could hide and calm down for a day, maybe I’d come up with a way to get out of this fucked-up situation. I struggled up the mountain path and then stopped.I glanced back.“……”There was no one. No one was there, but there were footprints. I remembered how Jung Woojin had tracked me by following my footprints, and I bit my lip. Looking around, I found a branch with sparse leaves. I used it to erase my footprints and headed deeper into the dense woods. Avoiding the dirt path as much as possible, I stepped on rocks and tree roots, climbing higher. In the distance, I spotted a dark pit. I gritted my teeth and tried to breathe quietly through my nose, afraid Jung Woojin might hear me. My heart felt like it was going to burst, and my head spun. Sweat kept dripping into my eyes. My vision blurred as I laid down in the dark pit.Forcing my body into the pit and curling up tightly, I finally felt a little safer.If I made it this far, Jung Woojin wouldn’t find me easily. By now, he was probably crying with those dark eyes turned red again. Damn bastard.As I breathed in the damp smell of earth and cursed silently, a scene suddenly flashed through my mind.‘That bastard said he lives with his mom’s corpse!’I snapped my eyes open. That unfamiliar voice kept echoing in my head like a haunting memory. What the hell is this? Was I so exhausted that I was hearing things? I stared blankly ahead and reached out to pull branches and wet leaves over myself, trying to hide as best as I could.‘That bastard said he lives with his mom’s corpse!’Whose memory is this? And who were those kids laughing and spewing venomous words?‘Hyung.’Dark eyes. Dark hair. A face as pale as a ghost.‘Hyung, save me.’A chill ran down my spine, making my hair stand on end. Paralyzed by fear, I couldn’t move when I heard a rustling sound. I loosened my tense body and lifted my head to see a familiar face peeking through the leaves I had used to cover myself.“Sunbae, what are you doing here?”It was Jung Woojin.I froze, forgetting to breathe. I couldn’t say a word even as Jung Woojin helped me up and brushed off the dirt clinging to my body.“How did you climb all the way up here when you’re not feeling well?”“……”“You have an even higher fever than before. We need to get you some medicine quickly.”Jung Woojin carried me on his back, effortlessly descending the mountain I had struggled to climb.“If you’re feeling cooped up at home, just tell me. I’ll put shoes on you and take you out.”It’s not that I feel cooped up, I just want to escape from you.“Use the door, not the window.”“……”“And let me know before you go out.”“……”“When I realized you were gone, I almost had a heart attack.”My body swayed rhythmically as we moved. I lowered my head and buried my face in his shoulder. What should I do? How could I possibly escape from here? How could I get to a place where Jung Woojin couldn’t find me? No, before that, could I even make it back home?“You hit my head with the porridge bowl yesterday.”“……”“My forehead got cut.”I slowly opened my eyes. The ground was damp, perhaps from a light rain in the early morning. Green leaves, rocks, and broken branches. Jung Woojin’s pale feet.“I haven’t even put any medicine or a bandage on it.”“……”“Sunbae, can’t you do it for me?”Suddenly, tears welled up. This situation was so hopeless, with not even a shred of hope in sight. If only Jung Woojin would curse at me or hit me, I might feel better. But he, the kidnapper, the rapist, would cry at the drop of a hat, beg for love, and be so infuriatingly kind and gentle that it made everything worse. It was like watching an unforgivable criminal beg for forgiveness.“It hurts.”“……”“It hurts so much I feel like I’m going to die.”I understood that Jung Woojin loved me, but I couldn’t understand him. Saying you love someone isn’t a free pass.“Sunbae, my forehead hurts so much I feel like I’m dying.”Even though I couldn’t see him, I knew Jung Woojin was crying. ＊ ＊ ＊ It’s already been four days since I was imprisoned on this damn deserted island. I don’t know if it’s because he’s worried I’ll try to escape again or if he really just wants to be with me, but Jung Woojin has been taking care of me from morning till night. He fed me, changed my clothes, bathed me, and even followed me to the bathroom. When Jung Woojin looked at me with those gentle eyes, I felt a shiver of fear, but there was nothing I could do. On a deserted island where the only people were Jung Woojin and me, what could I possibly do? Jung Woojin knew every inch of this shitty little island, and if I even tried to go outside, he would sense it like a ghost and follow me.“What should we have for lunch?”“……”I could feel my mind deteriorating. I was wasting away, dying a little more each day. Knowing that this couldn’t go on, I finally opened my tightly shut mouth.“Jung Woojin.”My voice was hoarse from not speaking for so long. After a few dry coughs, Jung Woojin gently massaged the back of my neck. I flinched despite not wanting to. Ever since he found me hiding in the cave, Jung Woojin hadn’t forced himself on me. While that was a relief, he still called my name and stared at me while pleasuring himself in front of me.“How long are you going to keep this up?”When I asked weakly, Jung Woojin rubbed his head against my palm. I lowered my eyes and watched his dark hair move. Jung Woojin silently pleaded with me, constantly craving and begging for affection.“Until I die.”“……”“I want to die here with you, Sunbae.”His voice was sincere, and I could hear the tears returning. Since coming here, I’d realized that Jung Woojin cried way too easily. If I so much as said something harsh or cursed at him, he would start crying. It was the same when he touched himself while watching me. Early this morning, I woke up briefly and saw that Jung Woojin, who had fallen asleep holding me, wasn’t sleeping but staring at me with tears streaming down his face. Sure enough, Jung Woojin, who had been rubbing his cheek against my palm, started crying again. I felt my hand gradually getting wet.“Why do you keep crying like this?”Annoying, damn it. At my question, Jung Woojin looked up. His tear-streaked face wasn’t ugly, but rather sorrowful.“You wouldn’t understand, Sunbae.”“What?”“I start crying whenever I think about you. I’m so happy, but it’s also heartbreaking, and I get so overwhelmed that I can barely breathe.”Jung Woojin only ever said things that I couldn’t understand. I stared at him for a while before turning my gaze away with a sigh.To be honest, when I first woke up here, I wanted to knock Jung Woojin out and escape. I still wanted to. But I knew it wouldn’t work. This was a deserted island, and I was a terrible swimmer, and Jung Woojin was far more cunning and mentally strong than I had expected. The most frightening thing was his reaction. No matter how desperately I tried to escape, Jung Woojin would easily find me, almost as if mocking my efforts, and then smile kindly as if we’d just returned from a pleasant outing, saying, “Let’s go home.” That terrified me.“When you sigh, it scares me.”“……”“Am I bothering you?”It’s not that you bother me, I just hate you.Though I didn’t say it, Jung Woojin seemed to read my mind and smiled weakly.“I’m sorry. I’ll try harder.”“……”How could I convince him? Would he even listen? Am I really going to be trapped here until I grow old and die?I stared blankly into space and then asked the tiresome question.“Why are you doing this to me?”“Because I love you.”“Loving someone doesn’t mean you imprison and rape them.”“I’m sorry.”It always ends the same way, like a broken record. No matter what I say, it always comes to the same conclusion. Frustrated and annoyed, I shook off Jung Woojin’s hand that was holding mine.“When did you start loving me so damn much? As soon as you realized you loved me, did you just want to fuck me?”“……”“Then there’s no reason to keep doing this. Fine. Damn it, if I get out of here, I’ll let you fuck me regularly. I’ll go to your place, we’ll eat together, sleep together, shower, have sex—whatever you want, just stop this. Please, just stop and get a grip. You know this is a crime, right? Why do I have to suffer because of your fucked-up love? Why should I have to put up with this, huh?”As I kept talking, I became so angry that I started crying. Why am I in this situation? Why me? Why is Jung Woojin raping and imprisoning me? Why do I have to go along with this? Why should I accept this fucked-up love?“Effort? What about me? Should I put in effort too? Should I try my hardest to adapt to this fucked-up situation? Should I try to accept your fucked-up love? Should I make an effort to accept that I was raped by a guy, not even a girl, in this shitty, pathetic situation? Should I try really hard to accept that I’m trapped on a deserted island, not in Seoul, not even in Jeju, but in the middle of the damn ocean? Huh?!”I was sitting on the sofa, and Jung Woojin was sitting on the floor looking up at me. When I screamed like I was about to explode, he reached out and hugged my legs. He buried his face in my knees, trembling like a child being scolded. I wanted to shake him off and stomp on him until he was dead, but honestly, I didn’t have the strength.“Stop it while I’m asking nicely. When we get back to Seoul, you need to check into a mental hospital, you bastard.”I leaned back against the sofa and stared at the ceiling, trying to catch my breath. As my breathing gradually steadied, Jung Woojin, who had been looking down, slowly raised his head. His face, still brimming with tears, made me want to punch him.“Sunbae.”“Don’t call me that.”“If you stay here with me, I won’t do anything you hate.”Annoyed by his words, I lowered my gaze and looked at him. What kind of bullshit is he spouting now? With a desperate look on his face, Jung Woojin tightened his grip around my legs.“Really, I won’t do anything.”“……”“If you don’t want me to, I won’t have sex with you, I won’t touch you, I won’t even talk to you or call your name.”The tears in his eyes kept welling up, strangely never falling, just continuing to build.“I didn’t like you because I wanted to sleep with you.”“……”“I didn’t realize I loved you and then just want to fuck you…”His voice, which had been trembling, suddenly stopped. Jung Woojin opened and closed his mouth a few times without making a sound, then pressed his lips together tightly. The tears that had seemed like they would never fall started streaming down his face like a burst dam.“I did it because I was anxious.”“……”“I was so anxious and scared, that’s why I did it. I’m sorry.”It was true that Jung Woojin looked pitiful as he cried. But it was also true that he still annoyed and infuriated me. Watching him tremble and cry, I closed my eyes. He really doesn’t understand a word I’m saying. Damn it, when will I ever get out of here?＊ ＊ ＊As I looked at the food laid out on the table, I felt a chill run down my spine. Was that bastard my stalker? Everything on the table was something I liked. Come to think of it, it had been like that for the past four days. The food was always something I liked, and even in the bathroom, the shampoo, body wash, and body lotion were the exact same products I used, ones I must have grabbed at random back home. I wanted to curse him out for being so creepy, but what good would it do? I sighed and sat down in the chair.As I sighed again and picked up my chopsticks, Jung Woojin reached out and skillfully peeled a shrimp, placing it on the plate in front of me. He had no spoon, chopsticks, or even a bowl of rice in front of him.“Stop it.”It’s seriously creeping me out.Even after hearing my words, Jung Woojin continued to peel the shrimp. Normally, I loved shrimp, but I didn’t want to eat anything he had peeled for me. I scooped some rice into my mouth and followed it with a bite of braised beef with my spoon. As I chewed, a thought suddenly occurred to me.This is a deserted island. An island. That means it’s a place floating alone in the middle of the ocean. Shrimp I could understand, but where did the braised beef come from? Come to think of it, just a few days ago, I had eaten braised short ribs. Where would you find ribs on this island?“……”Right. This is an island. But damn it, where did those ingredients come from? Who’s bringing them here? Is there a boat coming in? No, maybe the food and supplies were all prepared before Jung Woojin came to this place. But what about after that? What’s the plan then? If we were to survive here, someone would have to leave the island to get supplies or someone would have to come here to give us food and essentials. Whatever the case, it meant that a boat had to be coming in.