Lament of the Lost

"S-so . . . you're g-going to help me?" I asked, unable to keep the hope out of my voice.

"That’s without question, Grey," Rayden said as if her not helping me was never a question. "Whenever mind mages show interest in something, it's not good. If anything, it is in the interest of the Empire not to let them have their way. Even more so when it comes to the beast core in a human. Can you actually use it?"

'Interest of the Empire?'

That didn't sound good, not good at all.

"Damn! Why didn't I think to ask?" Chief Healer cursed with his hand still on my shoulder, him still scanning my lap. "The core is tiny, but it doesn't appear to be damaged."

"The b . . . the beast knows how?"

"The beast?"

'Shit! How do I explain this?'

"It's this . . . feral fury deep inside that takes over when I shift."

"I see - when you go wild. So, the way you are now, you can't use it, Grey?"

"M-more like I don't know h-how. I m-mean, it's only been five days since they shoved it in my belly. And ever since then, I've just been trying to survive. I haven't had time to learn how to use the fucking thing!"

"Calm down, Grey. I didn't mean to question you, nor your abilities - I'm merely trying to figure out the severity of this issue. Just because you have a sword doesn't necessarily mean you know how to use it."

"Oh, s-sorry."

"It's fine. But back to what I was saying. Neither does it mean that you shouldn't be able to use said sword with a little practice. So, you think you would be able to do that? To use the core, if you try?"

"I don't know . . . I mean. I don't even know what to do with my own mana - I'm not a mage." Besides, I wasn't even sure I wanted to. It was in my fucking belly, in my womb. What if using it would just make things worse? How bad was it, anyway?

'Did I even want to know?'

Ignorance was bliss, as they say.

'Yeah, perhaps it would be better to not know and just . . . '

"I'm afraid that as a healer, I have to advise against using the core," Chief Healer spoke up, his voice uncharacteristically somber. "At least until we know more about it."

'Shit! Shit, shit, shit - fuck! It was bad. Bad, bad, bad.'

"Marcus?"

"This should normally be a matter between healer and patient. But . . . " he said and paused, looking down at me. "If you want, I can just tell San later, but . . . and this is speaking from experience; it's better to know what's wrong with your body."

'So, there WAS something wrong.'

Of course, there was. I was a freaking half beast. Even my Grid said I was supposed to be human, not having a core like a beast. Actually, why was the core thing exclusive to beasts? Why couldn't humans have a core?

'Stop it, Korra. Not the most pressing issue.'

Hugging Sage tighter, I buried my head in her long hair and took a breath of apple-scented air to calm my racing heart a little.

• You were poisoned

'Oh, shut up.'

Not that much calmer, I looked up at the Chief Healer, standing over me, waiting for my answer. But the words stuck in my throat.

"If you need more time, lass, you can have it. Maybe another mug of hot chocolate?"

"Yes . . . I mean no. Sorry. I . . . I don't . . . "

"Calm down, Grey - or if you want, I can . . . "

"No, I'm good," I blurted out to stop her, afraid she might use her soothing aura without my consent. Of course, neither of them bought the blatant lie. I wouldn't. But right now, I didn't need to deal with some weird shit affecting my mind.

'Okay, Korra, you can do it! It can't be worse than having wings growing out of your back and a tail growing out of your ass.'

"S-so, sir . . . mister Ardaivel'cas. H-how bad is it, sir?"

Instead of reminding me to call him Marcus again, the Chief Healer merely nodded, unlike his usual self, dreadfully serious. "All right, listen, lass. First of all, it doesn't appear to be life-threatening. The tissue around the nucleus is stable and does not rot."

'That much I knew.' After all, that was what the deranged asshole and the shoelace bitch raved about so much. My body accepted the core.

"I'll have to see you in the span of a few days to say for sure that the tissue isn't growing, though."

That didn't sound good - in fact, it sounded as bad as when I was back on Earth in the hospital listening to the doctor tell me about my mom's tumor.

"Ah, so . . . is it . . . you know . . . cancerous?"

"Sorry, lass, cancerous?"

'Shit! Did it get translated wrong? Maybe they just didn't know the word?'

Swallowing the dread of memories I would rather not have, I tried to explain as best I could. "Whether it's affecting other parts of the body, if it's not rotting elsewhere?"

"Ah, I see. Well, I hadn't noticed, but let me check," the Chief Healer said, and once more, I felt his warm touch spread from my shoulder all the way to my lap and onto every part of my body. "No, you can be at ease, lass; your body is otherwise fine. The problem is the tissue around the core. Usually, the core is found in the beast's ribcage in a tissue capsule opposite the heart, about the thickness of a little finger. Yours is several times that size."

'It's okay, Korra. It'll be fine; just stay strong and listen.'

"Um-hmm." I nodded, letting him know to continue while trying not to tremble.

"The core itself is the size of a pea, but the tissue capsule around it is a little bigger than my fist."

'His fist?'

Looking at his not-so-small hands, I swallowed dryly. What little hope I had that having the core would be like my other mutations, just another limb, had shrunk to a trickle.

"Given the location . . . there's no better way to put it, but it destroyed your womb, lass. I am sorry."

Hearing what I feared said out loud was like having the Fae runes behind my ears do their job. My mind went totally blank.

"You mean destroyed as in beyond your power to fix it, Marcus?" Captain Rayden asked, her voice breaking the heavy silence that fell in the room, sparking a little hope in me.

'Perhaps somewhere out there was a healer, or whoever, who could fix my womb, or even me - capable of ridding me of my mutations.'

"Well, I won't know for sure until I try, but at the moment, it's beyond my power to do anything about it. I am really sorry, lass. Your ovaries are fine, and you should have no problem enjoying sex, but having children . . . I wouldn't advise you to take that chance. Actually, I'd recommend you take some birth control measures."

'What? S-sex? Birth control?'

"I-I see."

'No kids, though? Ever?'

It wasn't like I was planning on having any looking like this, anyway. So why . . . WHY the bloody fuck was I crying like the floodgates had opened? WHY did it hurt so much?