Into the Darkness: Devotion

My body is in unbearable pain.

The medicine is supposed to help, but it hasn't done much at all.

Artoria says it'll get better the more I take it, but I'm growing tired of its putrid taste.

I don't want to take it anymore.

That doesn't stop me from accepting it each time she offers.

I love the way she cares for me, but being trapped in this room, confined to this bed day after day, is its own kind of torture.

Seeing her so worried is worse.

Guilt settles heavy in my chest, but I swallow down any apologies before they can form.

I won't apologize for keeping her safe.

I won't apologize for caring too much to let her use that wretched Gift of hers.

My thoughts are cut short as she enters with a bowl of cold water, replacing the now-warm rag on my forehead with a fresh, cooler one.

I don't have a fever, but I don't stop her.

She sits beside me on the bed, resting a hand on my head.

"Astrea, we need to talk."

"About?"

"You're so focused on keeping me safe that you keep hurting yourself!" She said with a irritated tone.

I look at her, irritation settling on my face. "We've been over this. Just drop it."

"Why would I drop it? You're literally dying in front of me!"

I sigh, forgetting for a moment that my chest was pierced through. Pain flares, but I ignore it.

"I won't let you risk death for my sake."

"But you can?"

"Yes." I said calmly.

"I never asked you to!" she said , raising her voice.

"You didn't have to. I made a promise to Arthur, to keep you safe."

She flinches at the name, her expression twisting with pain.

"Why won't you let me protect you?"

"Because last time you did, you lost your arm. I won't let you lose your life."

"So what? You think I can't make my own choices?"

"It's not about that," I said, my voice strained. "I can't—" 

I exhaled sharply, forcing myself to stay calm. "I won't watch you suffer because of me."

"You already are."

Her words hit harder than I'd like to admit.

She sighed. "You talk like you're the only one allowed to make sacrifices like your life is worth less than mine."

"It's not—"

"Then stop acting like it is!"

I turned my head away, unable to hold her gaze. "You don't understand."

"Then make me understand, Astrea," she pleaded. "Because all I see is you throwing yourself in front of every damn blade while I'm forced to watch!"

"If something happened to you, I wouldn't survive it."

"And you think I would if something happened to you?" She said pulling my shoulder.

I opened my mouth but had no answer.

Artoria sighed, her voice quieter now. Tired. "We protect each other. That's how this is supposed to work."

"I can't even protect you. I never could, Art."

"Why do you think that? We were ten! You still killed the monster in the end when no knight could."

There's a reason I'm so weak. A reason why I lost against that Black Death.

It's because I don't believe in myself. I need preparation, assurance. I need control.

I freeze up. I get anxious. I get scared. She's the reason I continue on.

"I don't want to, Art. I don't want to go back to the dark. It's cold there."

She moves my hand over my chest and places hers on top of it. "You have to, Ash. It's the only way you can stop all this."

She's wrong about all this. Artoria is wrong about me. I'm not strong. I'm not brave.

I'm still afraid of the dark. I'm still afraid of its embrace, its touch…its grip on you.

The Darkness. That's where they come from, the monsters.

A realm beyond this world, a place where light is a myth and nightmares rule. 

When they cross into our world, the light weakens them. 

The sun, the stars, even the faintest glow of fire drains their strength. But not all of them.

When we were children, we fought something different.

Something worse. It wasn't weakened by the day or the countless stars above. 

No, it thrived in it. Empowered by it. That thing tore through us like we were nothing. 

Friends, comrades, even the knights who swore to protect us, all gone. Everyone died.

Everyone except me.

I survived because, in the end, when there was nothing left, when hope had withered into dust, I did the unthinkable.

I let it in. I embraced the Darkness. And with all my fear, all my anger, all my will, I managed to push it back. 

Not destroy it, no one can destroy something like that, but I sent it away.

Artoria thinks I'm strong because of that. 

But she doesn't know the truth. The magic I wield, the water she's seen me control, it isn't mine.

It belongs to my sister. Her grimoire, her power. I use it because it's safe, because it keeps me from touching what truly belongs to me.

My real affinity isn't water.

It's void. The same nothingness that gave birth to the Darkness itself.

Artoria shifted closer, lying down beside me, her warmth seeping into my cold skin. 

"You can be afraid Ash, you can lose, you can struggle, why are you so hard on yourself why are you afraid?"

I was afraid, afraid that she'd judge me, or she'd hate me, afraid that if I told her how I defeated it she'd fear me.

Her brother made me promise, promise to protect her, to love her to shield her.

My sister forced me to do something as well, as blood dripped from her limbs she gifted me her magic.

She made me promise to never use my own again.

I plan to keep that promise to her, Astor was my saving grace. I made her a promise I plan to keep.

I don't care if i have to save the world to protest her, or destroy it.