I Was Sick of Loving You

5 – let go

“Do you have anything to say?”

“It’s… nothing.”

Every day since the first day of the 5th day she has been here, she hangs around me every day. She observes me from a halfway distance, giving off an air of wanting to say something.

When I talk to her first because she cares about that gaze, she shows the same reaction every time and runs away.

She is like a cat who shows interest from a distance but runs away when approached, and she is lovable and disturbs my heart as she runs away in panic.

I have to push it away… Looking at her various appearances, the resolution of the day when I got a new life is getting dull little by little, and the thought that there might be a way to save her, whose feelings are still not gone, gradually takes over.

His positive mind has obviously dried up, but it bothers me to feel that he is revived with vitality, perhaps influenced by his youthful body.

Because I have lived a life where my positive mind has never been reciprocated my whole life, I cannot accept that I am worn out, whether it is youthful recklessness or slaughter.

If it stays like this, it seems there will be no turning back.

You have to make a decision.

I know she will lose her feelings in the future, but I want to make sure from her. The heart that wants her to deny it wants it.

I can’t erase that foolish heart by myself, so I go to get hurt by her once again.

If she really loses her feelings in the future, you should push her away.

You must kill me who loves her.

I’m going to be very sick today, and I’m going to have a hard time with my sober mind, so I think I’ll need a drink.

Thinking so, I went to the wine cellar and looked around the wine.

Perhaps the taste of the person who sold me was weak alcohol like wine, most of the wine cellars had several types of wine, and there was almost no whiskey.

The few whiskeys are cheap and tasteless, but it doesn’t matter because you’re not drinking them for enjoyment.

I drink some cheap whiskey and head to her.

I went to the VIP room where she was and knocked, but there was no response as if she was not there.

I can’t just wait for her, so I go back to my room and write in the letter “I’d like to have a sincere conversation tonight, so I’ll be waiting for you in the garden where we met on the first night.” I put it in the door of her room and spend the night at the table in the garden. waiting.

Waiting for her, preparing to say goodbye to me who still loves her unrequitedly.

As the dazzling sun finished its day’s work and went dark, and the moon with its soft light and the twinkling stars adorned the dark sky, she came to decide my future.

With a more reddish aura than usual, she seemed resolute like someone going somewhere on the battlefield.

“I was waiting. Have a seat.”

“Yes.”

“Last time, the princess said that a sword is enough for a conversation.”

“…yes, it was.”

When I brought up something that must have hurt her, she chewed her lips and lowered her head slightly.

“Since we had a conversation with the princess with that, I thought it was my turn to have a conversation this time, so I prepared it.”

I needed more alcohol, so I quenched my throat with some whiskey and continued talking.

“I like to have a casual conversation while drinking. When everyone gets drunk, they leave uncomfortable pretense somewhere and become honest, and borrowing alcohol makes it more comfortable to talk about things that are difficult to normally say, which is very attractive.”

“okay.”

Her eyes twinkle when she hears that she can talk more comfortably about things that are difficult to say if she borrows alcohol.

“Let’s start with a light drink.”

While waiting for her to come, I filled the glass I had prepared with less strong whiskey and handed it to her.

I pass the glass to her and pour the cheap whiskey into my mouth.

After seeing me drink, pouring in the whiskey, her expression slightly frowned, like someone who doesn’t know the taste of alcohol.

“Is this your first time drinking?”

“I’ve had wine a few times, but this is the first time I’ve had it.”

“You will get used to it after drinking it.”

Pour the whiskey into her empty glass, raise the glass once more and offer it to her.

Even though it would be difficult to drink straight away the first time, she steadfastly pours in the whiskey.

“You eat really well for the first time. It’s nice to see.”

When I poured whiskey into her glass once again to her, who was slightly flushed from drinking whiskey in succession, she put on a puzzled expression.

“It’s good to talk comfortably with each other if you drink about 3 glasses.”

Borrowing the words of my former comrade, I offer her a glass.

Showing a slight dislike, she drank at a slower rate than before, and soon coughed as if she had heard a tingling sensation.

“Are you okay?”

“…yes it’s okay.”

Contrary to what she said, a little bit of water hovered in her eyes.

“Since we’ve had a little alcohol, let’s feel a bit more comfortable and ask questions that we haven’t been able to talk about.

“Yes…”

She seems to have something to say, but I ask instead of her who hesitates for some reason.

“It seems like you’ve been wanting to say something to me for the past few days. I was curious. Could you tell me?”

“That… that.”

“It’s a drinking party, so you can talk comfortably. If you have a sensitive story, you can just forget it with alcohol.”

Helping the hesitant woman to speak while saying something she doesn’t even mean.

“… I wanted to apologize for what happened last time, but I couldn’t stop talking.”

“You’re not hurt, so don’t worry about it.”

“Even so.”

I didn’t want to hear her apology for some reason, so when she tried to say more, I put a glass full of whiskey into her mouth and interrupted her.

“If you’re really sorry, you can have another drink.”

She inhaled without hesitation.

“I was at a loss as to how to apologize, and I was worried that you wouldn’t accept it… Thank you so much.”

With those words, a small smile bloomed on her face.

smile…

Her smile, which I longed for so dearly, is so beautiful and lovely.

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Looking at that smile, the core of my heart seems to come out in tears, so I drink whiskey.

Even though I’m drinking whiskey, it’s not enough. I tried to inhale more, but it was not enough to stop the already broken tear ducts. Biting my lips, reflecting on the loneliness and pain of my past life, I hold on to the melting mass.

I tried holding on to it, but a handful of tears that had already melted and flowed down my cheeks.

“Are you okay?”

With those words, she wipes my tears with her hand.

I hate her who is so good and so warm that her words and the warmth of her hands can make my resolution crack.

If you showed me this much, no less than this, a handful of warmth in my dead life… It wouldn’t have hurt that much, I wouldn’t worry like this, so why are you giving me warmth now?

Knowing this warmth, I can’t help but have hope, but if that hope collapses, this warmth will hurt me and make me more miserable.

If I didn’t show my emotions like before, I would have been able to endure the pain and bury it in my heart and leave…

I hope for a spring that shouldn’t be wished for. Waiting for the unexpected spring. I yearn for a spring that will never be given.

You have to leave your overflowing mind and thoughts alone, ignore them and check them.

Will spring never come?

“It’s okay because it’s just alcohol.”

“okay.”

She doesn’t believe it, but it doesn’t matter.

“Rather than that, there is something I must ask the Princess.”

“Tell me.”

“Is it true that the blood relatives of the Duke of Brandt are cursed and gradually become unable to feel emotions?”

The color fades from her face, slightly red from the alcohol, and she is speechless.

She didn’t answer, but it was enough.

Spring never comes to me

“You don’t have to answer. The answer was good enough.”

Get up and grab my arm as I try to leave. I hit her arm in pain from the warmth of her grip on me.

I turn around and convey my heart to the hull.

“I cannot live with a person without feelings. I want to break off the engagement.”

Without waiting for an answer, I spurt this spot and run.

I don’t want to hear her answer, I don’t want to hear her voice, I don’t want to be shaken by something like that, so I run until my overloaded lungs scream.

On the deserted mountain where they arrived after running for a long time after leaving the family mansion, they scream and vomit the pain and despair of trampled hope.

I cut her out of my heart after showing various expressions. erase memories of her

She cuts me who loved her and sends me away.

And now I am leaving my children who will never be born.

My life with nothing left after I let go is painful.

It hurts so much that there is nothing left and my broken heart is broken.

Because that empty heart was the size of my love and my everything

I can’t handle the sadness of the field where nothing is left, so I let it all go.

The shed tears shed to wet the ground and move the broken body.

Collect soil to make a small tomb and use a suitable stone as a tombstone.

I place an unknown flower in front of it and pray at the grave where all my things are buried.

The souls of the unborn children wish to be born into a warm family and live happily.

I hope you don’t live like an ugly father.

I hope you live in a colorful spring, not a winter that has lost its color.

I pour out the regret that I couldn’t let you be born.

Crying and crying, pouring out everything and letting go, spending a dark and painful night to let go of the past life.