I Start with a Bad Hand!

I had waited for this moment for so long, but now that it was here, I found it hard to continue the conversation. Dietrich’s indifferent face, as if we could stand here forever without saying a word, was unfamiliar to me. Did I look like that when I was in Dietrich’s body?

“Hey…”

But we couldn’t just keep staring at each other in silence. I was about to speak to Dietrich, who was standing there motionless and expressionless.

“I…”

But when I looked into those pale gray eyes, a slow certainty choked my throat. The certainty that I would never be able to ask if I could live in her body. The moment had come to finally say what I had rehearsed so many times, but the words stuck in my chest and wouldn’t come out.

‘She’s too small.’

I hadn’t realized this when I was inside Dietrich. The Dietrich in front of me, who had not been eating or exercising for survival, looked different from the one I had been. I opened my mouth a few times but eventually closed it. I couldn’t bring myself to ask this tired-looking girl for what I had kept in my heart.

‘If in the end, I can’t even make a selfish request with my ambiguous conscience…’

Then this is my end. Unable to be entirely selfish or entirely altruistic, this is as far as I can go. Instead, I forced a smile, hoping she would take my extended hand.

“I’m really glad to see you like this.”

But Dietrich didn’t take my hand. She just rolled her eyes up at me. Feeling slightly embarrassed, I put my hand back in my pocket and continued speaking, thinking it was the elder’s duty to break the awkwardness.

“I’ve always been curious about you.”

“…”

“I wanted to know if what I did was right, if the direction I was going was correct. I wanted to ask you.”

After a slow blink, Dietrich’s expression turned into a slight frown as she answered.

“It was terrible.”

Her tone was firm, precise, like the way she spoke to her family.

“Uh…”

“Your actions, your words, none of them were befitting of a noble. Even a street beggar has more dignity than you.”

“Well… I’m not actually a noble…”

“I understand you tried your best with limited abilities. But did you have to do it in such an undignified manner?”

Yeah… I see…

I hadn’t realized it, but Dietrich resembled her family more than I thought. I had expected it to some extent, but she was a bit more prickly and resolute than I had anticipated.

‘If I hadn’t read her final diary, I wouldn’t have known Dietrich was like this. Before that, I had vaguely thought she was a bit timid and shy…’

That’s why it hurt more, and why it felt more regretful. The books and stories I had read, filled with fragments of her soul and life, didn’t capture this side of her at all. This would be the last time I could learn about Dietrich. The real Dietrich, who I met in this fleeting moment, seemed much more… what’s the word? It sounds silly, but more alive than the one I had read about.

“At least you acknowledge I tried my best?”

“What?”

“Actually… I didn’t come here to complain. I have a lot to say, but I’ll start with the urgent part. Even if I can’t say everything, I need to tell you this.”

Even though it was a short message, I repeated it several times in my head before meeting Dietrich, so I wouldn’t forget.

“Your parents said they never regretted adopting you. It was a short time, but they were always proud of you and never once felt otherwise. They were always happy to be with you.”

“…You mean you, not me. My parents wouldn’t remember anything about me before time was turned back. If you’re just going to tell me sweet lies, you might as well leave.”

Her voice was still firm and precise, but her finely pointed nose had turned a little red, and there was a subtle, nasally sound in her voice. I barely managed to suppress a laugh and shook my head.

“No, they weren’t talking about ‘me.’ They said they loved hearing you sing sometimes, and how beautiful your shadow looked when you danced in your room.”

“…What?”

“Oh, and they appreciated the lovely blend of tea you would prepare for them in the mornings. But I can’t sing, I can’t dance, and I prefer coffee over tea.”

I lowered my gaze slightly as I looked at Dietrich. She was stubbornly holding back tears, and I didn’t want to embarrass her by pointing out that I noticed. Her voice, now full of nasal sounds, struggled to remain steady.

“Did they say anything about my soul… about it being completely shattered?”

“…No, I didn’t mention that. I didn’t want to upset them. Should I have?”

“…No. Telling them wouldn’t change anything.”

That’s true, but…

“They also wanted me to tell you they’re sorry. If the time with them wasn’t happy, they said it was their inadequacy and that you shouldn’t blame yourself too much.”

Reciting the memorized words, I cautiously observed Dietrich’s face. It would have been better if she could hear this directly. The weight of the message made my voice waver.

“But if you had any good moments with them, they hope you’ll come straight to them in the next life without taking a long detour. They’ll wait for you as long as it takes.”

Dietrich finally broke down, sinking to the ground and sobbing. I hurriedly searched my pockets for a handkerchief, but either due to my subconscious or the nature of this afterlife, there was nothing. Without a handkerchief or a proper way to console her, I could only squat beside her as she buried her face and cried.

‘Meeting like this, it’s really not easy to keep talking….’

Somehow, our interaction felt even more awkward than before. Like meeting a distant cousin after a long time, I pondered the source of this awkwardness. There was no real relationship between Dietrich and me. It was just me building a one-sided bond. Despite appearing mature, she had a strangely juvenile emotionality.

More than anything… all the things I wanted to ask Dietrich, all the words I had prepared to persuade and beg her, had now become pointless. But despite that, there were still countless things I wanted to share with Dietrich, as I always did.

For example,

“Can you hug me just once?”

“…What?”

“Why? I tried hard, didn’t I? Didn’t I deserve a hug from someone? I just want someone to hold me and comfort me.”

Dietrich grimaced and scooted away, which hurt my feelings a bit, but I persisted and moved closer to her. She looked at me incredulously as I clung to her.

“And if I refuse?”

“Then I guess you’ll have to listen to the terrible wailing of a grown adult crying their eyes out at the last moment.”

I started making exaggerated crying noises, moaning and groaning dramatically. Dietrich, looking annoyed, finally came closer and reluctantly hugged me. Her small, thin shoulders barely had any weight or warmth, and if it weren’t for that slight warmth, I might have doubted if I was really holding Dietrich.

“You did well.”

I steadied my voice. Feeling her body stiffen, I couldn’t help but laugh. Dietrich tried to push me away with an irritated gesture, but I pretended not to notice and held on.

“I know I’m a mess, so I can’t really say I’m proud of you without feeling guilty. I’m not in a position to judge anyone. But… if I were in your situation, I don’t think I could have grown as well as you did.”

Among the numerous books containing pieces of Dietrich’s soul, one had content resembling a diary. But unlike the other books, I couldn’t finish reading that one. Neither I nor Icarus knew the language, and it took too long to translate. It wasn’t just the time it took, but the content that made my heart ache too much to read it to the end.

She had written that life is a game designed for someone to lose, and that she might be playing the role of the loser in this game created by others. I read that part before meeting Hayden, and it made me wish for Hayden’s deep unhappiness. Maybe it was because of reading that part that I could be so firm with Hayden.

However, right before I met Dietrich, I read a different part that had been translated.

But I knew from the beginning that this game was rigged against me. It might be similar in the future. But should I quit the game, crying, without seeing it to the end? I will not erase the other possibilities of my life by deceiving myself with the poor metaphors created by others. I am not a pawn in the game, and therefore the rules created by others cannot bind me.

It was then that I began to see Dietrich differently. The real Dietrich might have been stronger than any abstract, fragmented version of her I had in my mind. I needed to remember Dietrich not as someone who ended her life wrapped in layers of misfortune, but as someone who fiercely fought for her life.

Unavoidably, I held the fragments of Dietrich’s life to my heart, knowing they were just brittle, rustling paper but hoping they would never disappear. I didn’t want to forget.

“I was already a grown adult, but it was so hard for me to endure. Yet, you’ve done it all by yourself up until now.”

I held her trembling body tightly and continued to whisper. From the moment I embraced her, Dietrich, who had been silent, finally lifted her head and met my gaze. She seemed to gradually fade, as if she had never been solid, and I feared she might vanish at any moment.

“So, Dietrich, the reason I could do as much as I did in this strange place was because of you—”

“As you know, I’m not someone who clings to things once I’ve let them go.”

Dietrich’s voice was slower and more relaxed than before as she interrupted my hurried attempt to finish my words, even though her body was fading.

“Be it family or life. As you can see, I’m not someone who ditheres like you.”

Her words, still tinged with that familiar sharpness, made me laugh awkwardly. Dietrich’s form was increasingly fading away. The end was really coming. Her hand, which clung to my collar, was trembling.

I hugged her tighter. I still had so much to say. Just a little more time… But soon, my hands that were holding her shoulders fell into the void.

“And that includes my body.”

“…What?”

“I don’t understand why you want to pick up something I’ve discarded, but I won’t stop you.”

With those final words, Dietrich completely disappeared, leaving behind a faint laugh.

All that remained in my hands were small, crumbling fragments of light.

“Live well. And don’t cry like a fool with my face.”

Despite her insistence, her final words, uncharacteristically un-noble, made me laugh, and in the end, I couldn’t thank her. That was what I most wanted to say. Even though she told me not to cry pathetically, I couldn’t help but sob for a long time.

After that prolonged moment, I was alone. Whether this empty space was my subconscious, the afterlife, or the underworld created by the god of this world, Hades, I still didn’t know.

‘What happens if I wake up from here?’

And then it struck me that maybe I had a choice. I could disappear completely like Dietrich, remain in this space, or return to that chaotic outside world.

‘Return…’

A world lacking originality, a confusing mix where nothing was certain. If I returned, Dietrich’s life would become my life, and I would have no place to escape.

‘Logically, there’s no reason to go back….’

I stretched my legs, feeling the slight pins and needles after sitting for so long. I stretched my arms and back, feeling the stiffness loosen. But despite everything, I took a step forward, breaking the stillness.

As always. Back into the world filled with uncertainty, chaos, and misfortune. Again.