I Start with a Bad Hand!

“Looks like it’s almost all done now.”

On the day we caught Hayden’s relative on the spot, I lay in a hammock, basking in the sunlight, and murmured absentmindedly. Icarus handed me a freshly washed fig. Now that I think about it, this was the first time I had ever eaten a fig. I had always been repulsed by the grotesque interior, but it turned out to be quite sweet and not bad at all.

“What?”

“Just. Various things. I had some goals I wanted to achieve while thinking of Dietrich… and I think I’ve more or less accomplished them.”

Of course, not everything was completely resolved, but a significant burden was lifted. Once Dietrich’s lingering regrets were identified, setting goals to achieve them wasn’t too difficult.

‘But what comes next?’

After resolving Dietrich’s lingering regrets, what then? As the priest had said, once Dietrich’s soul completely departs, this body won’t be able to hold on. It already feels fragile, as if it could fall apart at any moment. Even if I found a way to maintain the body….

“Then what comes next?”

At that moment, Icarus asked me the question. The very question I had kept buried deep inside. What comes next? I can neither return to where I came from nor continue living here. What should I do after that? It was finally time to face the question I had postponed due to bigger and more pressing issues.

“I don’t know….”

The slightly humid air of Sereti, the cool breeze in the shade, and the distant street musicians’ tunes—all of it couldn’t mask the sudden heaviness that settled between us. The bitterness lingering on my tongue couldn’t be masked by the sweetness of the fig I bit into.

“Dietrich. I want to meet her, just once.”

At that moment, I let out my desire. And simultaneously, a blush of shame spread across my face. It wasn’t because I wanted to meet her with the same pure heart as before. Until then, I just wanted to ask Dietrich. Am I on the right path? Is this what you wanted? In this world that refuses to give me answers, you are the only one I can rely on, yet why are your traces so fragmented?

“I want to ask if I did things right….”

But I couldn’t bring myself to say what I truly wanted to ask. What I wanted to beg for. I couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud.

But I couldn’t even finish that thought in my head. I just couldn’t. And Icarus didn’t push me to finish my words. We continued our mundane conversation as if nothing had happened.

“There’s a small kingdom next to Sereti. They have delicious oranges.”

Our conversation ended that day with talk about which kingdom had the best fruits.

“To get to Lucero, you have to travel by boat. And you have to pass through this ice cave. It glows even in the dark… it’s really beautiful. No, it’s different from Heylem.”

Before talking about fruits, we had been discussing the routes to Lucero.

“I’ll make sure you meet her.”

…And damn it, he had said something ridiculous right before that.

***

“I told you I’d make sure you meet her.”

“How can you say that? How are you going to meet a dead person?”

“The priest explained the soul enhancer to you, didn’t he? This time, it’s the same. But this time, it’s not limited to the soul but also the body’s functions,”

“Fine, let’s say that exists. But what is it exactly? What are you looking for?”

“….”

“See? You’re planning to go all that way to find some uncertain, possibly nonexistent ingredient?”

Now, I was the one chasing after Icarus. He quickened his pace to avoid me, but when the distance grew too much, he slowed down to let me catch up. When I finally caught his jacket with a determined push, he turned to me reluctantly and said,

“It was your friend who told me.”

“Exactly! That’s the problem. How could Agnes figure out something the priests haven’t found yet? And you’re just going to believe her and go off to some faraway place?”

“Don’t you trust your friend?”

“What?”

Icarus asked with a genuinely perplexed expression.

“I trust her too. Don’t you trust her?”

When did those two become so close? For a moment, his innocent-looking eyes left me speechless.

“I heard from Bardi that you two had a big fight.”

Damn, when did they talk? It was true. We had a big fight over my decision to leave the academy and… personal issues. It happened right before I met Hayden. Though we made up soon after.

“So you don’t trust Bardi?”

“….”

“That’s too much. She worked hard, reading through dusty books even though she hates studying.”

“…Don’t change the subject. I’m talking about Agnes’s expertise, and you’re talking about trust between people. And to answer your question, I trust her as a person, but not her expertise.”

Icarus pursed his lips a few times before speaking.

“You said you were curious.”

“What?”

“You said you were curious if what you did was right, and what she might tell you.”

“That doesn’t mean I want to achieve it by putting you in trouble. I would feel sorry for Dietrich and be a bit disappointed myself, but I’m not willing to put you in danger.”

“You too.”

“What?”

Icarus looked somewhere between frustrated and exasperated.

“You’re also a living person.”

“That’s—”

“You matter to me too. Why do you keep giving up? Why do you just accept everything and wait for the end without looking for a way out?”

“….”

“I feel sorry for Dietrich too. I’ve known her since she was very young…”

With a strained expression, as if holding back something, Icarus continued.

“It’s sad. And it makes me angry when you talk about her. You always sound so regretful, saying you wished there were other options. That you wished things had gone differently. But you never think that way about yourself.”

“…Dietrich’s situation is different from mine. What happened to her was caused by someone with malicious intent—”

“You’re similar. You ended up here by accident too. In the sense that neither of you chose these circumstances, you aren’t that different.”

His rapid words left me wanting to argue back, but I couldn’t find the right words. Especially not after what he said next.

“I know you hate this place so much you’d rather die. You think it’s awful here. So you want to leave behind even the friends you were so close to, and just get away from it all.”

Everything he said was true. I hated this place, truly found it dreadful, but….

“Why did everyone know but me?” Agnes had cried, furious and tearful. She had found it strange when I kept getting nosebleeds and asked me about it. I had carelessly told her the reason, saying my health was poor and I’d have to take a long break from the academy. I didn’t tell her the body and soul were different, or that it was a problem caused by a fractured soul.

Agnes had been unexpectedly angry about my offhand comment, and we hadn’t spoken for a while after that.

“If you want to ask, then ask. If you want to meet her, then meet her. I’m not forcing you to stay here. I just want to help you achieve what you’ve wanted for so long. Does that make you so angry? Why? Can’t I do that for you?”

“Yeah, you can’t.”

“You think you can just leave like Agnes did?”

“Hey!”

“None of what you planned was for yourself. It’s because of your guilt.”

…When did this guy learn to hit where it hurts? Every word from Icarus was a bullseye. I moved my lips wordlessly, trying to hold back my anger, then spoke.

“I’m not abandoning you. But… I have no choice. This is the best I can do. I don’t even want to fight with you like this.”

“….”

“What if this really is the last time we see each other?”

Icarus turned his head away from me. At first, I wondered where he was looking, but he just didn’t want to show me his face. He couldn’t hide the sound of his sniffles, though, so I knew.

“I feel the same. I know this is stupid. I know you don’t like it. I wish I could help you in another way, but I can’t.”

“Icarus.”

“I have nothing. No power, no abilities, I can’t even joke and laugh like you do with your curly-haired friend. I can’t make you smile. But I still want to do something for you. What should I do then?”

“….”

“The only thing I can do is swing my sword and find that magic stone your friend mentioned, if it even exists. All I can do is help you meet the one you want to see so much.”

“Alright. I get it, so don’t cry. Come here.”

“I just want to do this for you. I—”

Despite turning his head, he came along easily when I pulled his shoulder. He didn’t shed tears, but his face was full of sorrow, so I hugged him tightly.

“I just don’t want you to feel trapped here, like a prison, just because I care about you….”

His murmuring voice traveled up my shoulder. So, I raised both hands in surrender.

“Okay. Fine.”

In the end, I gave in. His sincerity won over my selfishness. My conscience, dignity, and common sense all yielded to the desire to stay with him.

“Help me meet her.”

I wanted to beg Dietrich on my knees.

‘Is it okay if I live your life instead?’

The moment had come to speak the words I could never utter before.

***

“Where did you get this?”

“Horatius. From my sister.”

“Did she just hand this over to you?”

“She gave it to me when I told her you needed it.”

The suspiciously colored potion made me nod reluctantly. If Irene gave it to him, I could trust it.

“If I drink this, will it really stop her time?”

“Technically, it’ll only stop the body’s time. Yes.”

“I find it hard to believe she’d give you such a dubious potion so easily….”

In my room in Heylem, Icarus squatted down to look me in the eye, pouting. Fortunately, things with Baron and Baroness Degoph had wrapped up nicely. When I told them I needed a safe place to communicate with Dietrich’s soul, they hesitated but eventually agreed.

“If you meet her, can you pass this along to her?”

“So if I drink this… you’ll find that magic stone?”

“Exactly.”

“How long will time stop?”

“About… a month?”

“A month….”

A month isn’t too bad. I gently patted the back of Icarus’ head, whose face had stiffened with tension.

“If you succeed, I’ll know once I meet Dietrich.”

“I’ll do my best. You… have a good talk.”

“Yeah.”

I wetted my lips and hesitated for a moment before pulling Icarus’ cheek. As his face naturally came closer, I brought my lips near but stopped. The sight of him in his school uniform held me back.

‘Ah, I just can’t do it.’

Instead, I carefully stroked the back of his head. His eyes had been closed impishly since I pulled him closer, but they fluttered open as he looked at me with a slightly blank expression, mouth slightly agape. Seeing his eyes turn red and wet, I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Why?”

His puzzled expression as he asked was even more amusing.

“What do you mean, why. Oh, dealing with a kid right now…”

“Why am I a kid?”

“The fact that you don’t realize saying that makes you look more like a kid…”

I lightly tapped his forehead with my fist, eliciting an exaggerated wince. I smiled at his exaggerated reaction.

“Still… thanks.”

I moved my hand from the back of his head to his shoulder and pulled him into a hug. Despite the late summer heat, he smelled like freshly dried laundry. He mumbled that he didn’t like being treated like a kid, but he didn’t seem to mind the embrace, resting quietly in my arms.

“From the moment I arrived here, I hated this place. Everything I love is still in my world.”

But what I really wanted to say came next.

“But in the rare moments I felt happy, you were always there. So this horrible, horrible world… it became bearable.”

“…”

“So even though I hate so many things about this world… I liked you.”

My hands were now wet from the tears on his cheeks. I laughed, holding the tears I hadn’t shed.

“So who could not like you?”

Even someone like me, who hates everything, likes you. I wanted to tell him that. Just in case. If I met Dietrich and asked her, and she didn’t allow it, there would be nothing I could do.

“If I… I mean, even if we don’t get the best result we’re hoping for after I meet her,”

But then a kiss, dreamlike, touched me. Very light, very warm, a little salty.

That was our last moment together, and I fell into a deep sleep.

And…

“So we meet again after all.”

Icarus had succeeded. He had gone to that dangerous place and found that damned magic stone.

“…Dietrich.”

And that’s why I could see the protagonist of this story right in front of me.