I Start with a Bad Hand!

Chapter 188



‘I wish I hadn’t known.’

Whether Cedric regretted it for the rest of his life was not my concern. But knowing that the recipient of that belated letter was just a seven-year-old child, and that he had no idea about the existence of the only letter left by his tragically deceased mother, tugged at my heart. Even considering that Cedric was now a fully grown man, it still felt wrong.

“What are you thinking so hard about?”

Icarus, who was grinding coffee beans with a pepper grinder, glanced at me gnawing on a cookie rather than eating it. The crumbs I had scattered on the table were probably piling up more than the ground coffee beans he had so meticulously prepared. I answered his question while thinking about this.

“Someone I particularly dislike.”

“…You’re thinking that hard about someone you dislike?”

“Yes. I really, really dislike this person… but I ended up reading a letter written by someone who truly loved him.”

Icarus, who had just finished grinding the coffee beans and was boiling water, turned to look at me, somewhat warily.

“So, have you become influenced by that emotion?”

“Me… feeling anything for him?”

I was pounding the table with my fist to transform my mental pain into physical pain, and I looked at him wordlessly. He seemed satisfied with what he saw in my expression, raising and lowering his eyebrows.

“They say love and hate are two sides of the same coin.”

“That sounds like something people who are hated say to console themselves.”

“Then why do you keep thinking about him?”

Icarus came closer, dusting off the cookie crumbs from my cheek, and asked. I thought about it as I accepted his touch. Yes, I could probably remain indifferent if Cedric died in the next five minutes. Maybe I really was influenced by the affection in that letter.

“It’s just… I suddenly felt some room for understanding. Like, oh, he was loved by someone too. Not that it matters whether he was loved or hated, but it keeps nagging at me.”

Maybe Cedric was just as much a victim as the Duchess. Not every child who loses their parents young grows up like that, but maybe he would have been a better person if it hadn’t happened. Then again, why should I be the one to worry about this? It was a question with no clear answer, and I clutched my head.

‘If only the Duchess had written the letter to seventeen-year-old Cedric instead of seven-year-old Cedric, I wouldn’t be this conflicted.’

From the moment I read that letter, Cedric transformed from an immature, mentally unstable man in his mid-twenties into an immature, mentally unstable man in his mid-twenties with a tragic backstory. I couldn’t fathom what it felt like to lose your parents at such a young age. I could barely remember what it was like when I was a preschooler.

Icarus handed me a cup of freshly brewed coffee, calling it an ‘admission fee’ for watching me gnaw on cookies, pound the table, and now pull at my hair.

“…What were you like at seven years old?”

Considering the show of hospitality, I sipped the coffee without complaint. After a moment of thought, Icarus, with a slightly embarrassed expression, answered.

“I was like when I first met that kid.”

“Eh?”

“I was the kind of kid who’d pull a girl’s hair and make her cry, even if I’d never seen her before.”

You must have been quite the troublemaker… I nodded as if I understood.

“But now you’re…”

I started to say he was better now but stopped. It wasn’t my place to say that in the context of his relationship with Dietrich. I could only vouch for the current state of Dietrich’s fractured soul, not for the experiences she had endured before I arrived. Icarus didn’t press me for stopping mid-sentence but seemed to understand why.

“So, I guess I’ve lost my chance forever.”

“…What chance?”

“The chance to apologize to her. I was ready to have my hair pulled or to kneel if she wanted.”

I almost said he could do it now, but held my tongue. How could he apologize to Dietrich, who had no grave, no soul left? I had no authority to forgive on someone else’s behalf, and thus no right to accept an apology on their behalf either. All I could do was empathize with his bitter expression.

“And even if not for that, there’s still so much I feel sorry for.”

But this last remark from Icarus was something I couldn’t quite grasp.

***

‘How do we keep running into each other like this?’

When I ran into Cedric, Elexion’s eldest son who might be a noble but never a gentleman, we both stopped. I was going up the stairs, and he was coming down. This gave him a more domineering angle as he glared at me. Instinctively, I reached for the letter in my pocket.

‘Even if not now, could I give him this letter someday?’

Despite losing her at a young age, Cedric would recognize his mother’s handwriting, and even if the handwriting were forged, the contents were known only to Cedric and the Duchess. Perhaps Cedric could keep this letter safer than I could.

‘And Irene’s notarized document is enough to prove that Dietrich is Elexion’s true daughter.’

Just as I reached that thought, Cedric brushed past me with a clicking of his tongue, and I impulsively grabbed his arm. I hadn’t expected him to not just pull away but to roughly shove my hand aside. His murmured words, sounding like “disgusting…,” caught me off guard.

I’d been called out for physical uncleanliness before, but never had anyone suggested my very existence was filthy. Unable to hold back, I muttered in return.

“Vile salamander…”

“What?”

Cedric turned around at my outburst. He seemed unable to tolerate even the idea of me looking down at him, having descended a few steps. He purposely turned and climbed back up the stairs.

“What… did you just say?”

Perhaps it was an arrogant thought, but at that moment, I thought of Icarus. I felt sorry for comparing him to Cedric, but I wanted to give Cedric a hint, as someone who knew more about him than he realized.

“I said your behavior is like a vile salamander.”

Cedric looked completely baffled, unable to comprehend the strange metaphor I had thrown at him. He was clearly offended by my childish comparison.

“What nonsense—”

“Constantly humiliating an innocent person like this. Isn’t it a bit shameful?”

“Ha, innocent.”

He grabbed me by the collar. My eyes widened slightly, but I quickly calmed myself. I had grown accustomed to Cedric’s aggression, which might have been the only benefit of our relationship. Strangely, as he pulled me, my head was also dragged down, and I realized my necklace had gotten tangled with his cuff button. Cedric glanced down at the entangled necklace and let out a small laugh.

“O, brother!”

A sharp voice rang out from the top of the stairs. Although Cedric had grabbed me, it was Roxanne calling out to him. Even without turning my head, I knew who it was. Despite her desperate cry, Cedric ignored her, staring at me with his cold, blue eyes.

“I’m sure there was a day when you vowed to be a good brother, Cedric.”

With a snap, my necklace broke. Half-dangling from Cedric’s grip, I quickly lost my balance. Cedric didn’t reach out to catch me; instead, his cold indifference etched itself slowly into my mind.

‘This is bad. At least a concussion or a fracture.’

As I fell away from the staircase handrail, all I could do was try to protect my head.

“Ah!”

But surprisingly, when I hit the ground, the pain was softened. What was that? Through the haze of pain, I looked up and managed to speak through a sigh.

“…Aiden?”

“Move over. Where the hell were you looking?”

Aiden, half-soaked in sweat from training, had shielded my head. I was too stunned by the mild shock to fully register the smell of sweat.

“What?”

“What do you mean, ‘what’? Didn’t you hear me? Move. Damn, I should’ve known it was you when I ran over.”

“You knew it was me falling?”

“Where else would there be someone who looks like you at the academy? Ah, get off! I shouldn’t have caught you. I think my arm is going to break.”

“…Really?”

“Do you think I saved you for a reason? Hey, don’t move. Stop moving! Ouch, hey! I really think my arm is broken.”

Aiden kept whining behind my head, threatening to report it to the student council, demanding compensation if it was actually broken, and insisting I’d pay for all medical costs. Yet, despite all his complaining, his hand stayed firmly supporting my head. His loud whining right next to my ear made my head throb, but it also reassured me of something.

‘I’m glad to have confirmed Aiden’s lousy personality several times over.’

Aiden’s character was a baseline for me. Even someone I didn’t particularly like would run over in a dangerous moment to provide minimal help. No matter how awful a person Aiden was, even he could do that much.

When I turned my head to look for my broken necklace, I heard a crunching sound as it shattered underfoot.

“Reckless.”

Cedric didn’t even check what he had stepped on. Seeing the broken beads solidified my decision. Treating someone this way, regardless of who they are, is unacceptable. Cedric might be a victim in some other relationship, but I had no obligation to consider that. At least in relation to me—or rather, in relation to Dietrich—he was also a perpetrator. The fact that he suffered elsewhere did not justify harming me.

‘And Cedric would never agonize over this like I have.’

The thought made me chuckle. Here I was, feeling sorry for him, going through this whole emotional charade, while the person in question probably never gave it a thought.

As I lay there with Aiden supporting my head, he muttered, “She must’ve hit her head hard; she’s gone mad.” Cedric, looking slightly pale, glanced at me and said,

“…I suppose I don’t need to apologize to you.”

So this is enough for me. In truth, even the chance I just gave Cedric was too generous. My body ached all over, but I wasn’t immobile. Using Aiden, who was still on the floor, as leverage, I stood up. Aiden yelped and flailed as I pushed myself up using his shoulders.

“Yes, that’s right. You don’t need to apologize, just as you never have before and never will.”

Whether you live the rest of your life full of regret or not is none of my concern.

“You’ll never become the Silver Dragon, no matter what.”

「Even without me, be a kind Silver Dragon to everyone. We’ll meet again soon.

P.S. No matter how splendid a Silver Dragon is, if you harbor a bad heart, you’ll turn into a vile salamander!」

From now on, it’s Cedric’s burden to bear.


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