I Pretended To Have Amnesia and the Hero’s Party Becomes Obsessed

32 – 5. Desires Always Flow Westward (1)

Essir, the city where our mercenary group had settled, was a lawless place.

Celebrating the long-lasting peace, the gray castle walls crumble slowly, giving way to the same gray sky. Unmaintained cracks in the roads are filled with stubborn weeds, and the faces of those who step on them resemble the vigor of those weeds.

The borderlands, murmured as such, evoke a collection of images, making it truly Essir’s scenery.

However, it seems that God possesses a distorted sense of aesthetics, as he did not create anything truly majestic. And Essir is no exception.

Winter.

Although it technically belongs to the southern region, Essir’s winter is no less harsh compared to the north.

When snow falls in Phoenyx, which is a two-day carriage ride away, Essir is engulfed in a snowstorm.

Heavy snow was playful, and hail the size of a child’s fist was not uncommon.

While other seasons were ordinary, winter alone was so extraordinary, like a spoiled child.

Now, how did this phenomenon occur? To explain this, I will have to talk about myself, Pea, and the incident involving the captain…

Ah, let’s set that aside.

Anyway, Essir’s winter was severe, so it was crucial to have appropriate clothing in this city.

I, too, told our children, “If you don’t want your fingers to freeze off, at least wear gloves.”

However, even though I said that, I considered it a story that had nothing to do with me.

My bronze-coated hand, protected by magic, did not require any means of protection from the cold.

Yes, my bronze hand.

“Ah.”

I turned my gaze towards my right hand. Made of flesh and bone, it rested on the railing.

To be more precise, it was on the iron railing.

The one that persevered through Essir’s harsh winter throughout the night.

With a melancholic feeling, I raised my hand. A terrible pain immediately seared through my brain.

…It was stuck.

As soon as I woke up, in a groggy state of mind, I wanted to feel the outside wind.

I wiped my face and shouted for the inn to leave.

“Baldy!!”

***

Clevans looked at me as if I were a lunatic.

“Are you really an idiot?”

Avoiding his gaze, I looked at my right hand. Wrapped tightly with bandages, my hand looked incredibly awkward.

“Try living for 18 years without a hand. It can’t be helped, can it?”

“I can’t help it, you idiot. Do you even know how many times you’ve visited me this month?”

“…”

Seven times. I clenched my mouth shut, aware of my sin.

Of course, it didn’t last long.

“No, I didn’t know my original body was this frail…”

Just standing up once at night made my eyes stiffen, and I hadn’t been outside for long, but my hands wouldn’t move due to the cold.

It was the discomfort of a body I had long forgotten. It was difficult to describe it as pleasant.

“Anyway, keep wearing those bandages today.”

“Can’t you just quickly heal me like last time with your holy power?”

“By doing that all the time, it seems like you’ve developed a bad habit. You need to feel a bit of discomfort from your injury; maybe then you’ll stop this nonsense.”

At those words, my brows involuntarily narrowed.

“No, baldie, I have a lot to do today. I have piles of documents to write and letters to send…”

“You don’t need to worry about that.”

A clear and composed voice—it was Irene, as I turned around.

She placed a folder on my desk from within her arms.

“This month’s financial statements, profit and loss statement, inventory status of goods for the expedition, personnel status and individual income statement, also a draft of the complaint letter regarding delayed payment to the nobleman for services rendered.”

I checked the thickness of the folder and looked at Irene’s face. Irene smiled faintly.

“Just review it once and sign it, please.”

I closed my eyes for a moment and recalled the past four years.

There were more days where I had to squeeze my head with a pen than days fighting with a sword.

Our stubborn kids were of no help at all; they only increased the workload.

While Clevans was not entirely ignorant of this work, attempting to assign tasks to him proved futile, as he managed to soil half the documents with wine, proving his utter incompetence.

It was indeed a lonely battle.

I opened my eyes again and looked at Irene. There seemed to be a halo behind her blue hair.

“…Miss Irene, I wish boundless glory and mercy upon your life.”

“After hearing the flattery so many times, I’m starting to get used to it. I’ve said it before, but you don’t need to be so thankful. I’m just staying as a cook, so this is the least I can do.”

That was it.

Following the incident with Clara, Irene ended up staying with our mercenary group. It was a natural conclusion.

Irene needed to retrieve her teleportation stone, and our leader with the stone was busy knocking heads of aristocrats out west.

But the journey to the west was treacherous, and Irene had no travel expenses left. Hence, she could only wait with us for our leader’s return.

“And…”

Suddenly, Irene’s face turns red.

“…And also, there’s the favor you did for me, saving me from a gruesome death.”

Is she talking about the incident when she almost froze to death sprawled out on the street after drinking?

It’s strange, but I felt a sense of awe at the fact that a broken woman like her could have such charm.

And at the same time, I found an opportunity to pry into her thoughts.

“If that’s the case, would you perhaps consider working with our mercenary group?”

“I have no interest.”

“…What if we double the pay you were originally receiving?”

“In that case, will there be a pension?”

The 13th attempt to recruit her, but once again, it ended in frustration due to the financial constraints of the national administrative agency.

Now, it seemed she had firmly made up her mind, not even pretending to contemplate.

But I am a persistent person.

Finally, I found an exceptional talent to handle paperwork, and I can’t afford to let this slip away.

I verbally agreed, saying, “I understand,” but in my mind, I was already thinking of ways to manipulate her.

When the leader returns, I should try threatening her with the return of the teleportation seat.

“Oh, and finally, this is from Miss Clara.”

Thud—

A more solid sound than the previous paperwork echoed through the desk. It was a multitude of letters that couldn’t be counted with the naked eye.

And on every single letter, an elegant handwriting read, ‘To my beloved Rem.’

Unintentionally, I found myself wearing a faint expression. Then, I quickly wiped it off my face.

Well, this is already a significant improvement.

When she first arrived, it wasn’t letters but a box filled with gold coins.

I thought back to the past two months.

Every Sunday, Irene would claim that they came from Clara and pull various treasures out of her spatial pocket.

Jewelry and gems, silk, rare herbs, weapons, potions, magical tools, and even flowers.

Things that I couldn’t obtain even if I sold my entire body.

Clara seemed to be sending gifts as if trying to fill the golden gap of the lost years.

There was no other way to describe her actions than saying she was like a goddess.

[…Are you telling me everything?]

So, I sent them all back.

There were three reasons for that.

One was my promise to the commander, another was my personal pride. And the third, and most important reason, was as follows.

I didn’t want to repeat the past.

In the end, if Clara’s favor were to concentrate on me again, the internal noise would be just like it was back then. I would become a weakness for Clara.

Of course, Clara would dismiss this as unnecessary worry. Who would dare to defy the Pope and the saint that she is, she would say with a smug smile. People don’t change easily.

But arrows shot towards the sky eventually fall back to hit us on the head. Arrogance will someday trip us up and bring us down.

So, I really wanted to start this properly this time.

Not a vertical relationship like 13 years ago, but a relationship where we could meet at eye level to some extent.

That way, it seemed possible to break free from the past. Both her and me.

…Of course, before that, I had to fulfill my promise to the commander.

Anyway,

I returned all the gifts Clara sent me. Please, if you’re going to send something, enclose a note saying to send only letters.

Fortunately, she listened to me much better than when she was 11. It’s just a bit awkward, though.

I dragged a quite heavy envelope towards me. I sighed, wondering how long it would take to read it all.

“Look at that spineless guy. What kind of custom is it to lift the corners of your mouth while sighing?”

I absentmindedly brought my hand to my mouth at Clebans’s teasing. The raised corners of my mouth felt undeniable.

…Well, it was awkward, but honestly, it made me a little happy.

It was an act filled with obvious affection.

Moreover, Clara surprisingly had a talent for writing entertainingly. Whether it was because of the romance novels she read to me when we were young or an innate talent.

Either way, reading her letters, though a bit tiring, was never boring.

And, above all, it was Clara.

The fact that I could do something with her was probably a good thing for me.

“Ugh, this guy is laughing disgustingly again.”

I glared at Clebans, who was disrupting the atmosphere. However, Clebans just tilted his bottle and replied with curses.

“If you’re going to chit-chat, go to your room and do it. Now that your right hand is healed, it should be easier. Just don’t shake too hard; wounds might open.”

I barely understood what he said.

I refrained from swearing and started to go through the documents Irene sent me. Anyway, for now, work was a priority.

Fortunately, Irene’s handling of affairs was always perfect. I quickly signed all the documents and could hand them over to Irene.

“May I ask you to handle the sending as well?”

“Of course. I’ll send you on the fastest route.”

Irene flashed a restless smile and briskly walked outside the building. Her actions were precisely described as ‘달다구다’ (trotting) in Korean.

She was competent in handling the aftermath of the Papal attack, paperwork, and various other tasks. It was incomprehensible that a high-ranking official had dismissed her just because she lost a single teleportation stone.

Was he blind to see her capabilities?

Well, he must have his own reasons.

I dismissed unnecessary speculations from my mind. Instead, I decided to focus on more practical issues.

For example, the thick stack of letters in front of me.

I hadn’t even finished reading last week’s batch, and replies needed to be written.

I picked up the bundle of letters and stood up.

Creak—

The door suddenly swung open.

In a tightly-wrapped winter attire, a sky-blue light radiated sharply. Moving from one mercenary to another in the building, it compelled them to avert their gaze.

The predatory glint.

A greedy gaze that wished everyone here would submit to them.

But the moment that gaze reached me, it softened and instantly became gentle.

“Hyungnim!!”

How did a wolf turn into a dog?

I don’t remember it well because I slept through science class, but the change that just happened to Phea seemed similar.

Phea ran towards me, shaking an invisible tail, and just when I thought she would stop in front of me, she took one more step and embraced me.

The winter chill on her clothes touched my body, accompanied by faint smells of sweat and gunpowder.

But the confusion was fleeting.

Such types of physical contact had become more frequent, not just recently.

“Youngest, it feels like you’re hugging ice. Can you back off a bit?”

“Oh, sorry!”

Phea stepped back and offered an apology. However, a smile still lingered on her face.

“You were patrolling, right? Sit down and warm up. I’ll bring you some heated milk.”

“Sure.”

I went to the office-kitchen and started boiling milk. When I returned to the fireplace, Phea was thawing out, shivering slightly.

I handed her the cup of warm milk.

“You’ve worked hard. Have a drink.”

“Thank you! I’ll have a dri… Oh…?”

Suddenly, her face turned grave, and I followed her gaze to see my hand wrapped in bandages. I scratched my head.

“Oh, I got into another accident this morning.”

“Isn’t this the eighth time already?”

The image of Fiona’s furrowed brow comes to mind. More accurately, it’s a mixture of annoyance and concern on her face.

As she reached out her hand, I obediently handed her my bandaged hand. Fiona cautiously wiped the back of my hand and asked.

“But why are you wearing a bandage? Didn’t Clarence treat you with healing magic?”

“Just wanted to experience the discomfort of the injury. If anyone sees me like this, they might think I’m disabled.”

“So, you won’t be able to use your right hand for a while?”

“Yeah… That’s right…”

As I obediently answered, I felt something peculiar and stopped talking. When I turned my gaze, Fiona’s eyes were shining strangely.

With a mischievous smile, she said, “Finally, it seems like the day has come when I can truly be your right arm.”

I understood what she meant with her words in an instant. And I shook my head.

“No way.”

“Wouldn’t it be uncomfortable not being able to use one hand? I will be by your side 24/7 to assist you.”

“No way.”

“You said you have a lot of work to finish today, right? I will be there to hand you every document.”

“That work, Irene already took care of it, Fiona. Besides, now I just want to lie on the bed and think about DB.”

Fiona’s cheeks puff up. However, I knew Fiona too well to give in to her.

“Also, you must be tired from patrolling. You should go inside and rest.”

“Do you really want to think about DB that badly?”

“Yeah, what do you think people mean when they say something…”

“Is it not about replying to the Letter from the Holy Maiden, but something else?”

Unconsciously, I looked into Fiona’s eyes. However, her eyes were not on me but on the stack of letters I had placed on the desk.

It was a pair of eyes filled with complex emotions. They were also eyes that I had never seen before until that night.

The day I returned from the Papal See to Aesir and told our kids the story of Clara and me.

After hearing all the stories, Fiona silently entered the tent, saying she was tired.

And from the next day, the skinship became strangely frequent. Whenever something related to Clara happened, she would show those eyes.

I felt the moment I crossed some kind of turning point.

“…Alcohol.”

Melancholy filled Pea’s voice. Looking at Pea with a puzzled expression, Pea, this time, looked straight into my eyes.

“Would you like to join me for a drink, Black?”

The sudden and awkward request couldn’t hide the displeasure.

“Don’t you see my hand? You’ll get hurt if you drink.”

“Clevans may say things like that, but won’t he fix it by tomorrow?”

I had nothing to say and just let out a sigh.

Then, Pea grabbed my wrist a little tightly and said again.

“…It’s been quite a while since we haven’t had a drink together, hasn’t it?”

However, this time, Pea turned his gaze aside, unlike before.

I sighed inwardly and turned my head. It wasn’t long.

Even jealousy is expressed so immaturely. Despite being told not to care, I couldn’t help but care.

“Alright, let’s go for a drink.”

And, on a night when the pale moon flowed with the winter wind.

I found myself repeating the now tedious Q&A.

“Elder brother, do you not regret it?”

“What?”

“Not seeking revenge against me.”

Pea looked at me with eyes that could burst into tears at any moment.

“Elder brother, you’re the one who cut off my legs, aren’t you.”