I Can’t Run Away From the Girl Who Saved Me

46 – Aftermath (1)

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It could have been a dog morning followed by a dog day.

No matter how horrible a dream I had, I almost strangled Mr. Sylvia for not kissing me.

It’s the madness of madness that, on second thought, has no comparable example.

If Sylvia had offended me in the slightest, it would have been rude enough that my legs would have been broken like the first day I came into this cabin.

But for some reason, Sylvia-san didn’t really care.

Rather, he comforted me and hugged me quietly for a while.

It was a morning that reminded me of how amazing she was once again.

How big is her bowl?

She threw a few jokes mixed with light sarcastic, and we were able to start the day with a pleasant conversation and a pleasant morning.

However, in spite of Sylvia’s efforts, there was still an awkward air somewhere between us laughing and talking.

The identity of the awkwardness was the ridiculous appearance of us trying to avoid talking about the terrible incident that happened yesterday as much as possible.

i killed a man

Both I and she clearly knew that that fact wouldn’t disappear just because we saved words.

But we consciously avoided talking about the ‘curse’ that happened yesterday, as if we had promised.

It had to be.

Because we clearly knew that the current friendly atmosphere was nothing more than a clean tablecloth covering a dirty table.

I used to enjoy the morning sunlight pouring down through the window, but today I was looking away from the window as much as possible.

It was because I couldn’t bear to look at Laila’s grave, which I could glimpse from the window.

The image of Layla resentful of me in the dream does not disappear from my mind.

My face was smiling, but I felt like I was going to collapse any moment, and I was smiling quietly, but Mr. Sylvia was looking at me sadly.

sick.

It’s not my chapped lips, but my heart, which has no choice but to forcefully twist those chapped lips and smile, is unbearably painful.

It was miserable.

It wasn’t because I was hiding my true feelings, but because of her skillful consideration, who could have easily guessed my sincerity, which she so pathetically concealed, based on her own experience, it was so miserable.

We both know each other’s true feelings, but no one has spoken any clues about what’s inside.

How long should we do this play that is no different from being ridiculed?

Maybe we should continue in the future.

This miserable warmth created by acting out false pleasures.

f*cking empty jokes that forcefully hold on to that bizarre atmosphere.

It was really awkward and funny to see us lying to each other and even to ourselves even though no one was being fooled.

And for some reason, we were also implicitly avoiding the topic of the heat that suddenly flared up last night.

Is it because of shyness or shyness?

Or is it because they know that they are only sharing a moment of boiling heat to soothe each other’s pain and loneliness?

Really.

I’m Sylvia…

We continued to exchange meaningless words while neglecting the complicated minds that could not be organized.

＊

Fortunately or unfortunately, our unfunny diversion of the topic quickly came to an end.

The first person to speak was Ms. Sylvia.

“Ash, today… you know…”

Near the end of breakfast, I slowly made up my mind at the sight of Sylvia, who hesitated and licked her lips slowly.

Perhaps, he was talking about what happened yesterday,

She probably knows best that she must never turn a blind eye.

That’s right, she’s the one who carved out the numerous tombstones in the graveyard herself.

I swallowed and opened my mouth slowly.

“yes.”

“I will be back a little late today. I’ll probably be back at night.”

“… there… are you going back?”

Despite omitting detailed explanations, she slowly nodded her head without questioning.

“…Yeah, because we haven’t finished picking up the bodies.”

“…”

“…Sorry, I originally called it that, but it wasn’t the right word to use now.”

“…Ah, no, it’s okay…”

Sylvia-san spoke slowly and carefully.

“I’m thinking of bringing it. therefore…”

“The grave… I’ll dig it up. I know. Rather… Thank you. I was going to ask you first.”

“…Is that okay?”

“…I don’t think I’ll ever be forgiven for something like this…but I’m going to hell anyway…”

“ash…”

I looked at my father’s keepsakes on the table.

The box had been damaged during a fight yesterday, so I put it under my bed, and there were a few jeweled necklaces and bracelets, and two rings decorated like a gold rope wrapped around a silver frame.

If I remember correctly, it was my parents’ engagement ring that the Countess had given me as a gift.

It’s a memory thing, but…

Just to bring you this, I’ve killed as many as five people in hatred and pain.

I slowly closed my eyes.

I was ready when I heard the news that Lila had already died.

that I would fall into hell,

However, even if I fall to hell, will I be able to wash away all my sins?

Even if they suffer from the flames of karma for eternity, those five people will not come back alive.

You can make an excuse that it’s because of the curse, but there is no demon king who can ask for the punishment.

Even so, you can’t blame Mr. Sylvia.

I barely opened my trembling lips and continued to speak with difficulty.

“Actually, this… I know it doesn’t mean anything. It can’t be passed on to Lila… I know very well.”

“…”

“I know… that what I’ve done won’t go away just because I dig my grave.”

“…okay.”

Silvia-san briefly affirmed.

Her expression hardened.

She, too, does not know how to get out of this guilt.

Rather, she would know very well that there is no other way than to hang her heart on this wheel of self-reproach that runs forever and silently endure the pain that seems to be torn thousands or tens of thousands of times.

Maybe she’s regretting putting a curse on me and holding me in this forest.

Surely it will.

she is a warrior

because you are a good person

Before I knew it, my voice started to sound mixed with crying.

“The feelings conveyed to the dead… are bound to be one-sided anyway… How can I ask for forgiveness and receive forgiveness when nothing comes back…”

“…ash”

“It’s all… just self-satisfaction.”

“…”

I stumbled up from the table and slowly lowered my head.

“So… I beg you. Please bring me.”

“…”

“I know very well that it is self-satisfying and selfish… but at least I could forgive myself… I had to do this. so that I can think…”

“…”

“Terrible…”

‘I know it sounds terrible, but.’

I tried to say that, but I immediately shut up.

Self-satisfied, selfish mind.

This is an excuse that I did my best.

Perhaps she made the tombs of the people of Millwood with that kind of heart.

If I said I would blame myself, it would be like touching Sylvia’s trauma.

Even so, it was clear that she must have already recalled her former self while looking at me now.

why am i so stupid

I self-deprecated my levity.

When he didn’t pay attention and caused someone to die, he carelessly hurt her again.

asshole, idiot.

I can’t get a jar.

Lila was right.

What qualifications did I have to be happy?

With what qualifications did she ask for a kiss to comfort me?

Tears dripping like drops of blood from the harsh whiplash of self-reproach. I spoke briefly.

“…please.”

“…”

Sylvia slowly got up from her seat and approached me.

“ash.”

“…yes.”

She hugged me gently.

Her arms were full of warmth, as warm and cozy as last night.

Does she know how much I am comforted by this embrace?

I leaned my head on her shoulder and wept silently.

Sylvia-san patted my back slowly and spoke in a firm voice that did not suit her embrace.

“stop.”

“…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt Sylvia-san.”

“No, that’s not it.”

Sylvia slowly moved away from me and looked at my face.

As I lowered my head, I grabbed my face with both hands and lifted it up slowly.

Her red eyes trembled non-stop to the point of endangering everyone who saw them.

Her fingers were trembling as well as her pupils.

Only the voice was firm.

It seemed as if he was trying to forcefully shake off the emotions in his anxious heart.

“Stop it, I… I’ll forgive you, no… You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Sylvia-san…”

“You don’t think so… but your sins are mine. it’s my fault I did it.”

“…No, I am…”

“Listen quietly.”

“…”

“Don’t beat yourself up any more, I…”

She stopped talking and swallowed the tears welling up in her throat.

whoa…

The sound of her sighs sounded weak and sad, like the quivering sound of a trembling harp string.

“Please… stop.”

“…yes,”

Seeing her pitiful appearance, I couldn’t help but nod my head.

Silvia-san hugged me tightly once more and slowly went outside.

After clearing the two plates that still had leftover food, I sighed and patted my cheek with both hands.

“Let’s calm down.”

There was a lot to do.

The distance I walked yesterday was obviously very far, but it certainly wouldn’t take that long for Mr. Sylvia.

First of all, the graves of five people.

He also had to find a large stone that could be used as a tombstone for Layla.

Just as I proudly said, even while provoking Sylvia’s trauma, this guilt and regret were all one-way and self-satisfied.

That’s why I have to do my best.

I had to build their graves with all my heart, enough to feel that I had done my best.

Suddenly, her plea to please stop flew into my heart.

Maybe he didn’t want me to repeat the pain he went through.

I nodded.

Let’s brush it off.

Let’s do our best to let them go and shake them off.

Not for the dead, not for me, but for Mr. Sylvia.

With that promise, I slowly approached the door where Mr. Sylvia had left and grabbed the doorknob.

It was then.

“…uh?”

For some reason, my feet didn’t move.

Not injured.

No pain.

There was no visible trauma anywhere.

But it doesn’t move, as if its feet are stuck to the ground.

Not only my feet, but all the muscles in my legs seemed to have hardened.

“…Why, why are you doing this?”

I forced the doorknob open.

“…Ahhh…”

It’s a big deal.

“Aagh!”

I screamed and almost threw the door shut.

In that short moment, my whole body was drenched in sweat.

My legs, which had not moved, began to tremble like crazy.

Embarrassedly, I grabbed my legs, and my body collapsed onto the wooden floor.

“…I can’t, I can’t go out.”

Am embarrassed.

It’s scary enough to be embarrassing.

The view of the green forest that opened the door was terrifying.

The sun was terrifyingly bright.

The wind blowing through me felt like insects crawling on my body.

As I swallowed hard, it felt like sharp pieces of metal were rolling down the back of my throat.

I couldn’t even stand up, dragging my hips back and slowly moving away from the door.

The exact opposite words flowed meaninglessly from his mouth.

“Ah, I… I… I have to get out… I have to get out…”

But I couldn’t take a single step.

I couldn’t get out of the cabin.

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