I am Peter Parker

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***

Ever since I was a little girl, I was told that pretending to be a boy would make your life easier; then and now, I'm not sure why that tradition runs in our family. And if earlier I asked questions and received in the answer - "the elders know better" or "you will understand when you grow up"; then with age I just reconciled, and got used to the role of a boy. Probably now I can't even imagine myself in another hypostasis.

It just so happened that there was another boy in my kindergarten group, Peter Parker. Because there were no other options, because the girls were too annoying even then, I hung out with him.

And God knows it was hard. He was always on his own wavelength and ignored everything else, sometimes even lampposts were underneath. However, through all these difficulties we really became friends, and the funny thing is that if you take away his excessive detachment, in our pair he was the one who made us feel like the eldest. Gave me my ice cream if I dropped mine and cried. Took responsibility when I made a couple of mistakes in my sleep with the sheets.....

- "So, Peter, you're saying you wrote in Glenn's bed?"

- "Yes."

- "You realise how implausible that sounds, don't you? That you went and pissed in someone else's bed."

- "Well, you can't do it in your own bed. "Teacher, are you stupid?"

Anyway, that's how Peter and I became friends. I don't know if he holds a grudge against me for all those girls who tried to meet me through him. I think it was really hard for the guy, I think even a girl he liked asked him to help her win me over..... And while I don't understand all this romantic nonsense, I'm sorry Pete, genuinely.

However, that doesn't give you the right to pry into my secret and try to blackmail me!

**Peter**

- Haaah. G-head? - Glenn finally came to his senses.

- Oh, good morning.

- Э? P-pee-pee, it's t-WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SITTING ON A STool WITH YOUR HEAD ON?!

- I tried to run, I rocked the chair, and then it just sort of happened.

- This explanation raises even more questions!

So I told Glenn everything I knew, not much. That we were in a warehouse. That we'd been kidnapped by the same high school girls, but we didn't know where they were. And most importantly:

- On the bright side, when I landed on my head, my neck cracked, which made my smile finally fade. - I even wanted to smile with joy, but knowing the danger of that, I kept a serious expression on my face.

- Haa... How long have you been awake?

- About two hours, judging by the sun.

- Erm, Pete, you can't see the sun from here.

- I can see its rays clearly in my eyes.

- Pete, you're bleeding! I'm bleeding from my ears! - I've spent all this time standing on my head, no wonder the caramel bear in my skull could finish making strawberry jam in peace. Let Glenn think it's blood, it's funnier.

Suddenly there was a metallic clang and the wide doors at the other end of the warehouse opened. In the opinion of Caramlette, the caramel bear, this was a bit too flashy.

- Which one? Jenny go put it right.

- "Goodbye, Peter! I must return to the land of sweet bears and overcome evil, for the power of friendship and love..."

Once I was feet down again, my mind cleared and my adequacy began to return, which for the first time begged the question about Caramlet - "Isn't it strange that Caramel Bear is making strawberry jam? Wouldn't it make more sense for him to be making caramel?"

* A haunting melody of Hawaiian guitars *

- Oh, there's the boss.

* Scary approaching Hawaiian guitar melody *

- Oloha, Parker.

Next to the two gorilla guards, she, the boss of the bookstore I worked at not too long ago, entered the room. Is this really the end? Would those bodyguards who were dressed in tie-dyed shirts and jackets on top and straw Hawaiian skirts underneath finish me off with the tiny guitars they play?

- Well, anything to say?

- My father's a co--!

- Why are they wearing skirts? - I don't know what Glenn was trying to say, but my curiosity forced the words out of my mouth.

- Not "don't kill", "I'll pay you back", "take pity on us" or "have mercy Mrs Boss"; is that what you've chosen to spend your last words on?

- W-l-last words? - Glenn's voice trembled.

- It just doesn't make sense that they had enough time to put on a shirt, jacket, and tie a tie, but not to pull on trousers, or a regular skirt....

**In front of Parker's house**

Near the entrance, a beautiful blonde woman with traces of make-up on her face was jockeying back and forth in circles on the pavement. Someone didn't have the patience but also wanted to hide the abrasions.

- Hey, remember me? Yes? Of course I remember you. I'm hot, ha! No, no, no, he almost died, it's not a good joke. Well, then. Do you come here often? Of course I do, it's your home, right? What am I doing here? Erm... No! Don't call the police! - Joanna froze with an expression of utter despair as the conversation with herself took a decidedly bad turn.

- Stupid. - out of nowhere, a replica of her appeared, only with neat make-up.

- Why would you do that?! I'm strategising here! - while Sue was fixing her sister's make-up.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, good girl. How did you even find his house?

- A reporter friend of yours?! - as she answered, the heroine's eyes opened wide. - Eleanor!!!

- Yo! - said hello to the familiar reporter, a femme fatale blonde in a black leather jacket.

- Wh-wh-wh-what are you doing here?!!!!

- I want to interview the guy before you force him to move. - After adjusting the camera on her belt and separately her bag, the girl pulled out her make-up bag.

- By the way, Sue, is the guy even hot?

- "C," "B" in good light. - Sue said, more to mock her sister than to answer.

- Hopefully out of five, not ten, lol. - Ellie exhaled and slammed the powder bottle shut.

- Don't talk rubbish!!! He's a ten! A ten out of five and a twenty out of ten! He has angelically fluffy hair, an angelically sweet face, and a voice that is angelically gentle.

- Hey, Sue, I think your sister gassed herself and died when she met an angel.

- Yeah, too bad the gas still hasn't worn off and she's still delirious. - The blondes nodded in solidarity while Joanna cast shocked glances one at one and one at the other.

- Ha-ha-ha... - Eleanor was the first one who couldn't take it.

- Phm-ha-ha-ha-ha... - Sue picked up on it as well.

- You!!!!! - Joanna was ready to burst into flames with rage, but she was afraid of ruining her pretty dress with the ruffles.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - Raising her palms for surrender, Ellie smiled awkwardly. - It was just so much fun messing with you. Even at the very beginning, you made such funny faces-eh?!!!!!

- She said "ah" instead of "eh," but she did a great job with the face. - Sue gave her assessment of her sister's friend's acting.

- What are you doing here, huh?! - but it wasn't acting, and Eleanor's voice deepened. - You're not getting that exclusive!

- Brock? Actually, this is my brother's house. What are you doing here?

- Penny, is something wrong? - The slinky brunette walking next to Parker gave her friend a worried look.

- Penny?! - was surprised not only Ellie, but also Joanna, who immediately ran up and took the palms of her other friend with her own. - I knew it was fate! Soon we'll be sisters! You can't imagine how much I've dreamed of having a sweet little sister!

- Hey!" said Sue, who is also in the scene, if anything.

- 'I don't understand anything, but...' - Penny released her hands and then became even more serious. - From this day forward, baby brother is dating her! - And pointed to the brunette, who waved sweetly in response.

- Errrr! - Mary-Jane's voice came from behind the speakers, but she quickly ran back to her room before she was noticed.

- Nice to meet you, you can call me Gaby, and my full name is..... - The mask of grace and shyness gave a crack, releasing a few sly and disturbing miasmas. - Gabriela Osborne. And it seems, with every passing second, I'm becoming more interested in Peter.....

- That sounded kind of ominous..... - was Sue's remark, to which no one paid any attention.

After all, under the satisfied rubbing of one distributor's hands, the women's bickering had begun, with Ellie Brock seriously considering hitting on a bloke to spite Penny; and the little sister herself was ready to date her brother, so long as the stupid reporter didn't get him. What to say about Gabriela and Joanna ...

- Oh, there he is. - Gaby spotted Peter again, wearing her good-girl mask.

- Who the hell is that? - Sue turned her attention to the girls standing next to him.

**Back to Parker.

- Well, I'm sorry you had to cut your holiday short because of me. - I sincerely apologised to the guard.

- It's okay. Actually, I don't like sand. It's rough, it's hard, it's unpleasant. It gets everywhere. - What a load of bollocks!

*(Explosion)

Suddenly the building caught fire and the garage doors were blown apart.

- G~D~E O~N~?

A girlish silhouette covered in flames emerged from the fire, but her voice gave us all cold chills.

- W~O~T YOU G~D~E P~I~T~E~R~! - Is that monster looking for me?! But why?!!! What else have I done?!!!! - S~K~A~J~U P~R~YA~M~O, I'M L~E~B~L~L~Y.

A woman burning with fire confessed her love to me?!!!! What the hell?!!! What should I do?! What if she tries to kiss me or something better, but obviously worse under the circumstances? I'll be burnt to a bloody charcoal!

- P~I~T~E~R, P~O~CH~E~M~YOU M~O~L~CH~I~SH~?

Damn it! It's coming! I have to quickly think of a way to blow her off!

- I'm sorry, I'm not ready for a serious relationship!

- N~I~CH~E~G~O I~M N~E~O~B~YA~Z~A~T~E~L~L~N~O N~A~CH~I~N~A~T~S~YA, K~A~K S~E~R~E~Z~N~Y~M...

Damn millennials with their hippie free love schemes!

- I'm a high school student, where am I going to go out with them?

- NO, I'M S~T~A~R~H~E, I'M IN~S~E~M~YOU~B~E~YOU~CH~YOU....

I think I'll refuse, teacher!

- P~I~T~E~R...

She's getting close! There's only one last option left to blow the girl off... Show her that you already have someone! But who? The gorilla guards and the boss lady are surrounded by rings of fire, then there's no one left but.....

- N~E B~O~Y~S...

I'm sorry Glenn! But it's for my sake! Damn, that didn't sound cool at all....

- Mmm!

Okay, now let's use our tongues to make the kiss look more realistic....

- Mnhmm?!

Let's add some passion and get Glenn down on the floor.

- Mnhmmmm!

Damn, I never thought of that, but it seems that somehow the clothes get in the way of the kiss.... Okay, I'll have to undress him....

**At the same time. In the land of sugar bears.

- Bham!

The wounded Marmellar, the jelly bear, fell to his knees in front of the portal to the evil land of vegetables, which was practically open.

- Ah...

His eyes closed on their own and his gaze wandered to his wounded comrades. Pastelet's torso lay separate from his legs, Jeman's head was smashed into jam and Vareneth's into jam, the difference in consistency. The others were also on the verge of death, even Zephyrine could only pick herself up piece by piece. This was the end, the vile vegetables would soon win.

But!

- Strawberry!

Suddenly came the voice of Caramlet! And betrayed by her comrades, Bear turned towards her former friend.

- It's too late, Caramlet, for you and for everyone else.

- No!" the caramel bear boldly approached the portal. - It's not too late for us, for all of us! It's not too late for you! - he pulled out a jar of strawberry jam from behind his back.

- That's it! - at the sight of which Strawberry froze with shock on her face.

- Yes, your nature is tied to berries, and those are close to vegetables and only want to do harm to the world, unlike us and our desire to do good for everyone, but that's not what defines you as a sweet bear!

Giving in to her nature Strawberry tasted Caramlet's strawberry jam and got rid of the poison of the vegetables.

- What have I done? - Closing the portal at the last moment, the bear turned to herself.

- Nothing, it's okay...

Caramlet hugged Strawberry, for he had done all this in the name of the power of friendship!

- Mmmm! - and then the bears' tongues passionately intertwined. - Now let's have an orgy, yeah guys!

- Yes!

And love.

Wait, what? Which one?