He Who Feels Guilt [Honkai: Star Rail]

Narrator's Pov

Ryan hid behind some boxes in one of the rooms of the Storage Zone, he sat on the ground, still hyperventilating...if he let his heart beat, he'd feel as if it were about to burst out of his chest.

"It's been a while since I last saw you like this~"

"Leave...now"

Ryan held his head with one hand as he bit his lower lip, the voice of that damn woman was already too much of a headache, he didn't need her bothering now that he needed some peace.

"Don't you want some release? There're still a few member of the Antimatter Legion hiding around here, you know what that means?"

"Leave me alone...I don't need you"

The only thing he heard from that woman was a small scoffing sound and then nothing...his phone let out a small ring and he checked it was a message from Herta.

_____________

[Herta]

"I can track you down using your phone, I know you're in the Storage Zone"

"Come back, we need to talk"

[Ryan]

"Automatic Reply sorry but I'm not available at the moment, I'll message you later"

[Herta]

"I know that was you, you didn't write the brackets around 'Automatic Reply' "

_____________

He should've done that too, Herta even knew where he was...

That woman said that there were a few member of the Antimatter Legion hiding, right?

Having something to kill sounded...rather appealing.

Herta blinked a few times as she looked at her phone...she was tracking Ryan down by his cellphone but something seemed...wrong, it was moving fast, almost too fast for her own tracking to catch up, even if she swapped from Puppet to puppet, she couldn't catch a glimpse of him.

And he wasn't even moving to a specific place, he was just...wandering? There were a few moments where he suddenly stopped, but then continued moving, what the hell was Ryan doing.

"It's for these kind of stuff I don't deal with people...what the hell am I supposed to do now, I have a mentally unstable future Aeon zooming around my station" if facepalming meant something for her, she'd indeed do it.

Why the hell did he react that way anyways? He was completely fine until he...saw that thing? That goat-demon thing, he called it Quorim, right?

"What did that thing do? He was terrified...he doesn't give the impression of someone that can get scared easily..." She sighed and crossed her arms above her chest. "I should ask the Express for help, they'll handle this better than me."

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[Herta]

"Hey, Himeko, I need your help with something"

[Himeko]

"What is it, Madam Herta? I already told you you're not keeping either Stelle nor Ryan."

[Herta]

"Forget about it, I already solved it"

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She didn't, why the fuck didn't she ask for help?

Oh right, her pride.

"What the hell do I do now?"

...what would Screwllum and Stephen do? Would it be wise to do whatever they would Do? Would doing that mean that she somehow agrees with them?

...they won't let her forget about it.

"I'll have to find him and strap him to a chair..." She sighed deeply.

On another part of the station, a Reaver was running away, but suddenly a white blur zoomed past him, his head separated from its body as it dissipated being sucked in by a void.

Ryan sighed a bit making the ethereal sword disappear from his hand.

"Feeling better, My Dear Ace~?"

"Why can't you just leave me be? You know I'm not fond of you..."

"You will eventually"

"I hate you..."

"For now~"

Ryan sighed heavily and got ready to again run as fast as possible to search if there were more Antimatter Legion member hidden around the station, but he stopped himself when he heard a few steps behind him.

"You're incredibly hard to track, you know that right?"

"I'm leaving, Herta, i'm busy..."

"Yes, I can see that, and you're scaring all the researchers, they think you're some kind of mysterious being, a ghost, I think" she folded her arms above her chest.

Ryan's left eye twitched a bit but then looked at Herta. "You know"

"I figured it out a few seconds ago...and you just confirmed it, good work at not completely hiding it...honestly not many people would figure it out, it'd be a complete secret unless you told someone, or you let your heart beat normally." She sighed while looking at him. "You're either an Abomination of the Abundance, or an Heliobus, take your pick"

"Are those really the only terms that come to your mind?" He looked a bit irritated at the puppet.

"Those are the most closest thing aren't they? Why don't you give me a name?"Herta narrowed her eyes a bit.

Ryan simply looked at her and then sighed, she already figured most of it, if she started calling him 'Abominatiln of Abundance' it was sure that people would hunt him down...and if he was refered to as an 'Heliobus' then people might as well try to excorcise him or something.

"Moon Spirit...I'm...I'm a Moon Spirit."

Some Years ago...

Ryan looked through one of the huge wooden gates of the city of Reubz, his small head poking out through one of the holes of the gate, his hair was short and it had a brown redish color, his eyes were also brown and he wore a black shirt, with a white coat and a pair of blue pants...right now he was barely 8 years old.

"Are you really going, Ryan?"

He looked behind him, seeing a small girl the same age as him, she had short dark blue hair, and crimson eyes, she wore a white Kimono and had a pair of sandals.

"Yes Perla...I have to go and help Mr.Teo and Miss Orly..." He smiled a bit and went to the little girl softly holding her shoulders. "Don't worry, I'll be back!"

She trembled a bit at his touch and immediately backed away a bit. "Y-yeah...please...don't...don't die..." She spoke softly before turning around and leaving.

Ryan seemed to be hurt by her reaction, he lowered his gaze but then shook his head and looked towards the wooden gate, he quickly unsheathed the small katana he had on his waist and gave a few quick cuts, slicing part of the gate to make a hole which he quickly went through.

"I have to reach Mr.Teo and Miss Orly! I have to help them and show Mr.Teo that I can still help! I have...I have to show him that I'm still useful to him..."

Ryan's thoughts when through his head as fast as he ran his body slightly distorting visually because of the speed until he turned into a brown and white blur, he finally reached what seemed to be a small war, a group of soldiers and warriors against an army of demons.

"Ryan?! What the fuck are you going here?! I told you to wait in the city!"

"Mr.Teo!"

Ryan looked up to the man in front of him, he had long black hair and deep blue, he had a X scar below his left eye snd had a fair skin besides a pair of elf ears, he had a black shirt with some armor on the chest and s black cape apparently made of crow feathers, he also had black psnts and black high boots, besides, he wielded a katana in his right hand.

"I came to help, Mr.Teo!"

"No, go back to the city!" Teo frowned down at him and Ryan backed away a bit. "I can't have you here hesitating to kill demons"

A big werewolf suddenly jumped at him but Teo basically waves his katana cutting its head off, Ryan frowned a bit and looked up at Teo.

"Please...I won't hold back, I promise, Mr.Teo...let me still be useful..." The small Ryan looked up at the man.

"...tch...I'll tell Orly to go to the city and defend it, if you start to hesitate LEAVE...and Do. Not. Hold. Back. Understood?!" He looked down at Ryan still a bit angry.

"Understood, Mr.Teo!"

If only he hadn't broke his promise and hold back...

A Manticore roared at it fell from the sky, the small Ryan basically glued to its head because of the katana piercing its brain, he pulled the katana out of the monster's head and immediately jumped away from the body, a huge storm suddenly crushing the Manticore's head.

"You're the THING that has been ripping through our frontlines?"

A deep voice spoke and Ryan quickly turned around and backed away pointing his katana at the monster that spoke to him.

A goat-demon thing was tearing at him, its tone of voice seemed to prove he was angry at the small, he drove one of its hands to its back making a huge Greatsword appear on its back and then he grabbed the handle of the weapon, pointing it towards the small Ryan.

"I couldn't understand how a human child was able to get here...but now that I see you, I understand..."

The voice of the demon turned into a more angrier one, but also sounded slightly paranoic.

"Chevalier... That's what you are, right?"

Ryan immediately pounced at the demon, throwing a thrusting attack but the goat-demon monster quickly rose up his his, blocking the katana with the blunt side of his sword and then pushed the small Ryan back.

"But that can't be...all Chevalier's died 8 years ago...maybe that wrenched woman created you from scratch to have at least some authority in here?"

"Ryan...you don't have to be like them, nor like me, be whoever and whatever you want, you don't have to be an assassin"

"Chevalier...Join me" the demon smiled and offered one of its hand towards Ryan. "We'll take this city, and you can have everything you want, you can kill whoever you want isn't that what you were made for? To kill..."

Ryan's lower lip twitched a bit but then he narrowed his eyes sharpening his gaze, he quickly dashes towards the demon and threw a cut directly towards his neck, but again, the demon rose up its sword, this time clashing its own against Ryan's small katana.

"A shame...I suppose even Chevalier's can refuse their nature, be wary...because Quorim the general of this army will kill you."

Ryan quickly tried to overpower the demon, but he soon realized it was impossible so he separated and this time dashed towards him, he slid across the ground dodging a downwards cut from the huge Greatsword and slid between the demon's legs, giving a fast cut to the back on one of his inverted knees, being able to cut through the skin but unable to cut the bone.

Quorim quickly turned around and swung its Greatsword at Ryan who quickly blocked it with his katana, but he was still thrown away because of the force behind the attack, Ryan rolled a bit across the ground, breathing in and out heavily.

"The strength is too much...I can't receive any attack directly or he'll kill me...I just have to...I have to take that sword away from him...please Mr.Teo...don't see this"

The lighting shaped scar under Ryan's left eye started to dimly glow, his eyes slowly turned more hollow and lifeless, almost in an instant he dashed towards the demon, Quorim rose up his sword to block the attack but a brown and white blur went past him, his right arm (which held his Greatsword) was completely cut off his body, the sword's blade also split in half rendering it almost useless, his arm and sword fell to the ground and he looked at it a bit scared.

"He really is a Chevalier! I saw the Mark!"

Behind him, Ryan feet slid across the ground stopping himself from going forward, he quickly drove his free hand to cover the mark under his left eye, his eyes returning to normal as he turned around to see the demon, he didn't have his sword anymore.

Ryan gripped onto the katana with both hands, the mark already stopped glowing and he dashed towards Quorim, the demon turned around to attack the small Ryan with his hand, but the kid quickly jumped upwards and created various magic circles around Quorim...forming a cage that held both of them.

Ryan started to bounce again and again inside of the cage, using the magic circles to launch himself towards Quorim, moving so fast that he seemed to attack him from all directions, the demon was barely able to keep up with him, but still wasn't able to stop him, making his body receive cut after cut from Ryan.

"He's following a Pattern! Find it...and...Here!"

The demon turned around rising up his claws and plunging them forward, his sharp claws ripping through Ryan's clothes, skin, muscles and bones...

The small Ryan coughed blood, the claws of the demon had completely pierced his body, two claws had stabbed his lungs, and the other one had pierced his stomach, the demon pulled the claws out of his small body, the cage of magic circles dissipating slowly as Ryan's body fell on the ground.

"Kill Him"

The mark under Ryan's eye suddenly glowed, he fell on his foot, the three holes on his body bleeding a lot, before the demon could react, Ryan flunged towards him, his katana still in his hand, he stabbed the demon's throat, struggling a bit he moved the katana inside of the demon's throat, decapitating Quorim.

He let the katana go and then fell backwards, his small body hitting the ground on his back as he slowly closed his eyes.

"Mr.Teo...I'm sorry"

Then it all went black...

On the space station.

Herta simply looked slightly up towards Ryan, a small look of pity in her expression, but she quickly sighed an drove her hands to her waist.

"So you died, and then you were revived, how?" Herta almost demanded the answer.

"Moon Spirits are made from dead bodies... it doesn't matter how much time had passed, having even a small bone of the body should be enough to revive him, the parts that are missing from the body are replaced by pure magic...and the rest of the body gets amplified and affected by that magic." Herta opened her eyes a bit and nodded her head.

"That's why your cells are fused with magic, your entire body was preserved using magic I suppose, all the organic cells were still there but got fused with magic when you were resurrected."

"Yes...my lungs, bones and stomach were reformed in a failed attempt to resurrect me with Healing magic...but when I died, my soul went...to a dark place, so normal resurrection magic didn't work...so when I turned into a Moon Spirit, by body was complete, so the magic simply fused with my body..."

"What happens if you lose a limb?"

"As long as I can reattach it quickly enough before the magic from the limb disappear, it should be fine."

"And if you get decapitated?"

"I suppose someone else would need to reattach my head."

"How much of your body do you need to live?"

"My brain I suppose, if that got completely destroyed I should die unless someone decides to bound my soul to a new body."

"We have to experiment on that."

"I'm not letting you mutilate me, Herta"

"But-"

"No"

"Fine..." She scoffed and crossed her arms. "How are you feeling now? Better? Not feeling mentally unstable anymore?"

"I'm better...I suppose"

"Talking things through is good, right? Honesty is the easiest way to deal with these kind of things" she scoffed but then looked at him. "Anyways, now that we spoke about that dying trauma thing, you'll have to enter into the Simulated Universe more often."

"I'm not going in again, Herta..."

"You have to, for he sake of research, don't worry, I'll add a feature so you can disconnect yourself at will whenever you start getting a panic attack or something like that, if you try to kick yourself out again you could fry your brain, and I don't want you to die."

"You really do care, uh?"

"Of course, if the IPC knew that s candidate to Aeon died in my station, they'd surely be bothering for a while...if you're going to die, do it somewhere else, but as long as you live, you'll come here and let me test things with you" Herta spoke bluntly and turned around starting to walk.

"Herta, I hate you." Ryan spoke and started to slowly follow her.

"I know, and I don't care" she replied "you should go back to the Express now, as much as I want to keep experimenting with you, you have chance to awaken Aeon-related powers or abilities I you're out there doing whatever you plan on doing."

"Yes...I don't really want to go close to the Simulated Universe for a while..." He sighed and rubbed his forehead.

"I don't care, just go to the Express and leave, take it as temporal vacations, Janitor" she was barely able to hide a small grin. "If there're more Antimatter Legion hiding around, I'll take care of it"

"Ugh...I hate you"

A few minutes later, Ryan entered into the Parlor's car, seeing Welt and Himeko talking, While March 7th had already started to take a few pics alongside Stelle, and Dan Heng calmly checked his phone.

"Miss Himeko! I'm back" he spoke as he got close to the woman.

"Ah Ryan, good, I suppose everything in the station is done?" Ryan nodded with his head. "Good, then I will go prepare the jump to Jarilo-VI" she smiled softly and then walked out of the Parlor's car.

"Ryan, Did something good happen?" Welt asked looking at the boy.

"Hmmm? Why do you ask, Mr.Yang?" He looked at the man a bit curious.

"You seem more...relaxed and emotionally released...did you fall in love with someone?"

"....what?" He blinked a bit trying to process the question.

"I heard Love?!" March quickly approached alongside Stelle "Ryan! Who was it?! Asta?! That weird researcher Sheila?! Oh Oh! Maybe it was Arlan?"

"Your face screams 'I'm gay' " Stelle added with a small grin.

"Please don't misunderstand stuff..." He sighed deeply a bit irritated "I just spoke of something with Herta"

"Madam Herta's is the worst choice for a relationship Ryan" Dan Heng spoke, still checking his phone. "But at least you won't have trouble with money."

As the Express slowly left the railway of the station to get ready for the jump, Ryan could simply say something against the words of his now companions...his voice full of irritation, but betrayed by a tint of amusement.

"I already hate all of you"

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A/N: And that's today's chapter! Onwards towards Jarilo-VI, where it's cold as fuck, anyways, I actually thought of making some "Bonus Chapters" showing some parts of Ryan's story before he reached the Star Rail universe, but I'm not sure yet, and with each interaction of Ryan and Herta, I want to pair them more and more but I'm still deciding on that.

Anyways! Hope you enjoyed!