Harry Potter: The Witty Wizard

Shocked, he asked, "You don't think he tried to kidnap you?"

"Oh, he did!" replied Harry. "But, it's easy to see what his defence strategy will be."

"Even with all the evidence gathered," said Hermione. "Madam Bones is still going to need to prove his attempt was more than his 'My only concern is the safety of our newest Lord'. And, 'He's currently residing in a muggle home. Just how safe do you think it could possibly be?' Understand?

"He doesn't need to prove innocence; he only needs to provide doubt. If it cannot be proven, beyond doubt, his intent was to kidnap; then you're not going to be able to secure a conviction."

Standing in the doorway, Sirius sagged against the door-frame and sighed.

"Damn!" he vehemently muttered.

Noticing Harry writing again, he asked, "So, what have you got so far?"

Harry grinned and handed it to him.

~ # ~

Albus Dumbledore

Tenured No-Longer-Respected Professor

Manipulator-at-Large

ex-Headmaster of Hogwarts

ex-Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot

ex-Supreme Mugwump of the ICW

ex-Leader of the Light

ex-Whatever else you wanna throw in there

(Hidden) Dark Lord

Albie-old-boy!

Many thanks for the disappointing and surprisingly rude attempt to kidnap me, this morning. It made for an interesting start to the day. I hope you thoroughly and in good humour enjoyed the visit from my house elf. He, though, thought your hospitality was dreadful.

Not even the offer of a nice cup of tea? Really, Albie? Such poor manners! You should be ashamed of yourself. You need to work on that.

I must say, though, the aurors were less than impressed. But, at least you were kind enough to give them a chance to put their investigation skills to the test. That was nice of you.

I think they would have preferred it if you'd at least asked first, though. They might have made other plans and your interfering with their day ruined those for them. That was rude of you. Tch! I'm so disappointed in you, Albie.

And you did it while wearing your title as 'Professor', too. How will the honour of dear old Hogwarts survive such a besmirching? But, to be fair, it's not as if you have any other title you could use, is there? Of course, there's still 'Mister'. Maybe you should try that one the next time you come up with one of your Troll-brained schemes.

Or, maybe we'll soon all be lucky and the title will become 'The Late'.

Well, lucky for everyone else, I suppose. The rest of us will all be singing and dancing in joyful celebration in the street on that wonderful night. My, the Obliviators will probably be even busier than the night my parents took care of Tommy-boy for you. With all your experience at it - Obliviating staff, Obliviating my relatives, attempting to Obliviate me - you could probably give them plenty of pointers.

Oh, wait! You won't be there. Oops! My bad.

On to your error of belief I have to attend some cockamamie Yule Ball in Hogwarts on Christmas Night.

Pftftftftftft! (That's as close as I can come in writing the sound of a big raspberry being blown in your direction.)

Really, Albie? Is that the best you've got? Have you really reached such a low point of written cognitive discourse you now resort to poorly concealed threats couched within the adverbs and adjectives of admonitions?

Oh, Albie! I am, again, so disappointed in you! Tch, Tch, Tch! You need to learn to accept, Albie! It's For the Greater Good!

Alas! I have other plans for the evening of Christmas.

I'm actually going to be spending Christmas with the people I now consider my true family. It would be rude of me to hare off to 'Good Ol' Hoggy Hoggy Hogwarts' to be at an event I really have no desire to even think about, let alone attend. And you don't actually want me to be rude, do you Albie? What sort of message would that send?

But, do not despair. I shall advise Hogwarts's new Headmistress, Lady Griselda Marchbanks (and isn't that such wonderful news, Albie?), that I shall not be attending for her to have plenty of time to make other arrangements. I'm sure she'll be able to weather any criticism that comes her way. After all, she's currently managing to weather through the criticism that she has a manipulative, conceited, up-himself, Dark Lord for a Professor soon to begin teaching there. That Lord Harrison James Potter, Lord of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Potter, has sent his apologies should be a bit of a doddle for her.

However, with all your worldly wisdom and experience, perhaps you can actually be of assistance rather than the minor annoyance you've been. Perhaps you can help me with advice regarding a well-earned Christmas present I've been considering for my house elf friend. I'm thinking of giving him a pillowcase with the following motto on it:

Yay though Dobby be walkings thru the office of bad 'Perfesser Whiskers'; Dobby be not afraid.

For Dobby be the biggest, baddest 'female parental figure' fornicator in the room!

What do you think?

Looking forward to your next communication only via owl post, I am,

.

Harrison J. Potter

Lord of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Potter

Heir Tertiary of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black

Godson of 'Padfoot' of the Marauders

Boyfriend of Hermione J Granger

All-Round Wonderful Bloke

"It's so great to be me!"

~ # ~

By the time he'd finished reading it, Sirius was laughing so hard he was sitting on the floor trying to hold himself up from falling over. His face was red from lack of air and he had tears in his eyes.

He finally managed to get enough air into his lungs to gasp, "Oh, Merlin!" before he lost it again.

Harry was smirking at him. "Dobby," he called.

"Yes, Master Harry?"

"Would you mind getting a Calming Potion for Lord Black?" he asked. "He appears to need one."

After the Calming Potion from who-knows-where, Sirius grinned at his godson and said, "For the love of Merlin; don't change a thing! It's perfect! Sign it and I'll send it using my new owl, Sable."

"Sable?" asked Hermione.

"Yep," he replied. "She's a dark-feathered Spotted Eagle Owl. She looks mean as all get-up, but she's a softy.

"It should be enough for Albus not to think about using her in some way to get to Harry. Besides, he's not seen her before."

"I know it's funny," said Harry. "But, do you really think it's perfect? I thought I could make some improvements on it yet."

"No!" Sirius was quick to reply. "Leave it, just as it is! Perfection cannot be improved upon, Pup."

Harry gave a shrug and gestured for it back. He simply signed it, 'Harry P.' Then included a triple of 'X's' after it as kisses so Dumbledore couldn't fiddle with it.

Sirius took one look at the signature, gave another bark of laughter and said, "Alright! I was wrong! Perfection can be improved upon!"

"Now," said Harry. "I've got a job for you; or, probably, Ted to do..."

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