Harry Potter: The Blogger of Hogwarts

Hermione flushed scarlet. "I'm so terribly sorry. I'm absolutely pants when it comes to interacting with other people. I was homeschooled for a while and I'm afraid I wasn't able to integrate with my peers very well when that stopped. What house do you think you're going to be in?"

"House?" I said blankly.

Hold onto your hats, people, because things have just gotten even more messed up. There are four houses in Hogwarts: Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin. Gryffindors are apparently brave and heroic, the knight types. Ravenclaws are intellectuals. Hufflepuffs appear to be…I don't know. A house for people who don't fall into any of the above categories? A place for hard workers and loyal people? It's not clear.

But it's Slytherin that's the most messed up of them all, because most people think they're all evil. And by that, I mean most people, not most kids. Because of the dormitory you stay in, a choice made when you are eleven, people will vilify you for the rest of your life. Slytherins embody cunning and ambition, two traits I value highly. Ambition – well, I don't need to tell you what my ambition is now. And cunning is the only way to succeed when you lack power like me. How many Slytherins are like me, I wonder?

Now it's true that this reputation didn't come up randomly. Many Death Eaters – Voldemort's followers – were from Slytherin and so, apparently, was Voldemort himself. But I refuse to believe a quarter of the magical population is entirely peopled with evil bigots, to say nothing of a quarter of magical children.

It's wrong for children to be defined just by their houses. It's wrong for magical society to put so much weight on these houses. It's wrong that a child whose only crime is wanting to better themself is going to be regarded as evil! It's wrong, wrong, wrong! And I have to fix it.

When I told Ron and Hermione all this, I expected them to look at me like I had grown a second head. Instead, it looked to me like the same ideas were churning in their own heads. "I think you might be right," Ron said softly. "But still, there are a lot of kids of Death Eaters there…maybe you won't be safe there."

"I'm not afraid," I announced. "Not with my friends beside me." Ishtaran hissed irritably. "And a snek to protecc me." Now Ron looked at me as if I'd grown a second head, but I ignored him. I would teach these kids meme culture if it killed me.

Hermione looked startled. "I…that's what we are? Friends?"

"Sure, why not?" I said easily, but I knew what Hermione was feeling. Utter shock, almost as if it was too good to be sure. I knew it because I felt the same way myself.

"So you're going to Slytherin, then," Ron said slowly. "Well…maybe I should go there too…just to look after my friend."

Hermione set her chin up in a haughty, determined expression which honestly just looked adorable on her. "So be it. Slytherin for us all. Let them just try to get to us! I'll hit them with everything I've got." An unholy fire appeared in her eyes.

I opened a window because the compartment suddenly seemed to be getting warmer. Draco tried to bother us, but he heard me chattering away with Ishtaran, screamed like a little girl (no offense, Hermione!) and ran for his life. The rest of the journey seemed to pass completely uneventfully.

Hagrid led us over to a bunch of boats and…we saw Hogwarts. Words can't describe it so I'll just show you a picture and then promptly contradict myself by describing it for my visually impaired readers.

[Image description: A magnificent castle towering over us, glittering with magic sparking all over the place, filled with turrets and towers. And it's welcoming me. I can feel it in my bones.]

I have to go now. We're going to be sorted soon and I am going to show the world just what a Slytherin can do.

.....

From: Agent Woodpecker

To: Sir Andrew Felix Eddington

Director

We have a huge problem. We've definitely identified the commenter daughter_of_dentists as Hermione Granger, daughter of known FSB assets Katarina Lesic and Eduard Renat Hamm. Should I instruct Echidna to eliminate her?

Woodpecker

...

Negative, Woodpecker. Such a provocation would only let the Russians know we're onto them. It's very cunning of them, placing an agent in close proximity to the Boy Who Lived, but in the end, we'll triumph. Hermione Granger may be a crafty, devious foe, but she is nothing compared to the glory that is Britannia. It will be Britain – and the power of magic we harness – that will shape the next century and all those to come.

.....

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