Gacha Gacha Hero

Luke walked up a hill south of the Cabin.

*Flap*Flap*Flap*

There was a heavy *Thud* as Deus landed on the ground next to him.

“Oh! Wow! Deus you startled me. I didn’t hear you flying.”

Deus spread its wings. “With the power of the wind I can drift through the air whike a wheaf on the breeze.”

“I see.” Luke kept on walking.

Deus fell into step beside Luke. The two of them waddle/walked for several minutes.

The goose turned its head to the left. Then to the right.

“Are we pacing in cirches?” Deus asked.

“Huh? Oh I guess we are.” Luke responded absentmindedly.

“Is there any specific reason you are making a circuit of this grassy hummock?” Deus honked.

“Yeah. I come out here in the morning to do the dailies. But I guess it’s the two of us doing it now. Sometimes the nodes are hard to find so we have to walk around the woods a little bit.” Luke wiped some sweat away. “But I don’t mind. It was part of the deal we made with Belbuk to allow us to stay in the Cabin.”

Deus nodded. “Of course. I understand. Services rendered and what.”

Luke’s hands clenched, then unclenched. “Deus? Did you really fight a Demon Lord?”

“Indeed I did. Just as I said. Many distant years ago.”

“Then Demon Lords are real.”

“Very. And very dangerous too.”

“So if someone was to summon one…”

“It wouhd be a catastrophe. A return to the Age of Darkness.” Deus shook its head. “But I cannot imagine anyone being so incautious and daft as to doom their worhd by summoning such a creature.”

Luke frowned.

Deus continued. “It is a good thing that they were awh defeated so many years ago.”

“But if there was one… If someone were to… Oh? We’re there.” Luke started.

“We are where?”

“At the mana node. Can you feel it?”

“Oh yes. I think I can.” Deus nodded.

Luke held out a hand. He concentrated for a second. “It should be just past these bushes and… oh rat tails.”

“What is the matter?”

Luke peeked through the bushes ahead of them. “There’s some kind of wild animal at the node.”

Deus and Luke raised their heads out of the bushes. A large porcupine was sitting on a log and *Crunch*Crunch*Crunching* the bark between its teeth.

“This happens sometimes. Out here in the forest there are wild animals that will wander into the mana points.” Luke whispered.

“What do we do now?” Deus whispered back.

Luke crouched on his knees. “Nothing. It should leave eventually. We have all day. We’ll wait for it to move on.”

*Fifteen seconds later*

Deus hopped up. “This is taking too long.”

The giant goose waddled forward. The porcupine looked up in surprise.

Deus waved a wing dismissively. “You there. Begone. Go on. Retreat with haste.”

The porcupine curled and brandished its spines.

Luke jumped up. “Deus wait!”

“Be away. Shoo.”

Deus carelessly kicked some dirt with one of its cat-like paws. The base of its foot ever so slightly grazed the edge of the porcupine’s crown of quills.

^^^Point^^^

“Ahhh!” Deus fell to the ground. “The pain! Ohhh. Honkhonkhonkhonk!”

The porcupine took this opportunity to flee into the depths of the forest.

Deus held its wings protectively over its foot. The goose rolled back and forth on the ground. It kicked up a cloud of dust and leaves.

“Deus? Are you okay?” Luke ran over and kneeled down.

“No, I am not okay. That terribhe creature wounded me. Honk honk.”

“There was no reason to get so close to it. If you had only waited…”

“Why? Why didn’t you warn me!?” The goose accused.

“I tried.” Luke defended himself.

“You didn’t try hard enough. Now observe me.”

Luke tried to hold the giant bird still. “Hold on. Let me get the quills…”

“Oh! Oh the pain. What torment! And to think that this never wouhd have happened if you had not brought me to this site.” Deus warbled.

“What?” Luke blinked.

Deus held up one of the large primaries feathers on the tip of its wing to Luke’s lips. “No no no. You don’t have to say that you are sorry. Besides you could not have known that this wouhd happen. You are but a chihd. A sweet baby faced innocent with no forethought of the dire consequences your actions might cause.” Deus used a wing to brush Luke’s bangs out of his face. “I don’t bhame you. Even though you are entirehy in the wrong.”

“I… uh… yeah. Here let me put the quills out of your foot.” Luke struggled.

The goose rolled over and lifted its foot. Luke looked down to see a single hair thin quill embedded in Deus’ paw.

Deus whimpered. “If you wouhd kindhy hurry. I’m getting dirt under my toes.”

Luke frowned. “There’s only one.”

“Exacthy. Awh of my pain is concentrated in a singhe spot. What unfathomed torture it is.” Deus bemoaned.

“Alright. Alright. Let me get it out.”

Luke delicately put two fingers on the end of the quill and *Poinked* it out of the goose’s paw.

Deus instantly hopped up. “Oh yes. Thank you my good boy. You have taken one step towards redeeming yoursehf after instigating this despondent scenario.”

Luke tossed the quill over his shoulder. “Yes. Good. Anything I can do to help.”

“You can handle the rest. I’m going to head back. Remember what I said about no one being stupid enough to doom the worhd.”

Deus flapped off into the sky.

#

*Grunt*

Ash pulled up.

*Wheeze*

Ash released.

*Grunt*

Ash pulled again.

*Wheeze*Cough*Cough*

Ash let his arms relax. He hung in the air with his hands holding onto the tree branch above his head. His knees were bent so that his feet didn’t touch the ground. Sweat ran down the sides of his face. Ash had thrown his shirt over another branch.

With another *Gruuunt* Ash pulled his body up towards the branch above him.

*Ker-Snap*

Ash slammed into the ground on his tailbone. The branch he had been doing pullups on fell down and bounced off of his chest.

“Ahhh! Oh man! Oh crap!” he yelled in pain.

Ash rolled around on the ground trying to rub his chest and his butt at the same time. After a few seconds his groans of pain devolved into another series of *Wheeze*Cough*Coughing*.

Ash spread his arms and legs out flat on the ground.

Deus’ head craned into view. “What are you doing?”

“Ahhh! Great gopher gonads! Deus what the crap are you doing here? How long have you been watching me?” Ash shouted in surprise.

“I have been here for some time. You were very invested. You did not notice me at awh.” The goose replied.

“How did you sneak up on me?”

Deus raised one of its cat-like feet. “I have soft paws. I am very quiet for my size.” The goose chuckled.

“Great…”

Ash stood up. He retrieved his shirt and put it on.

“Do you often come here to break the branches off of trees?” Deus asked.

“No. I come out here to work.”

“This is your work? You have a strange profession.”

“No. This isn’t… I’m burning charcoal.” Ash sputtered.

Deus looked down at the branch on the ground. Then looked back up at Ash.

“This is a tree branch.” The goose stated.

“I know this is a tree! The charcoal is over here.” Ash shouted. He walked a few meters away.

There was a clearing at the edge of the woods. A layer of gravel had been laid down around the perimeter. At the center there was a mound of wet dirt. Curls of smoke and steam drifted off of the mound.

Ash sat down at the edge of the clearing. Deus waddled up and sat down beside him.

“What is that?” The goose asked.

“It’s a charcoal pile.” Ash replied without looking up.

“It doesn’t look very big.” Deus said as the goose looked at the mound.

“It doesn’t need to be big. It’s charcoal. It’s fine as long as it burns.” Ash pulled at the sleeve of his shirt.

“Then why does Whuke continue to chop wood?”

“That’s for the stove.”

“Then what is this for?”

“This is also for the stove. Only not, all the time. Sometimes. Charcoal burns hotter. It requires more care when used in cooking.” Ash exasperated.

“Honk, honk, honk.” Deus considered this as it stared at the charcoal mound. “Are you sure that it is working?”

“Yes.”

“There’s not much fire.” Deus clicked its tongue.

“There isn’t supposed to be.”

“Then how does it burn?”

“It’s burning inside.”

“So there is fire.”

“Yes.”

“But we can not see it?”

“Yes. No. The fire is contained inside the pile. It’s part of the process.”

“The fire is under the dirt?”

“Yes.

“Are you sure or are you just bad at this?

“What?”

Deus held up a wing. “It is fine to admit that you are unabhe to achieve an amateur objective. Such as burning wood.”

“What!? No. The charcoal is inside the mound. It’s working, you just can’t see it.” Ash kept pulling his shirt into place.

“Now now, it is none of my concern if you are burying awh of those broken tree branches in a mound of dirt because you can’t make a reah fire. Whuke can continue to chop wood. He is very good at it.” Deus shook its head.

“I’m good at this! Charcoal is objectively better than wood!” Ash stood up.

Deus flapped its wings. The giant bird began to rise into the air. Dirt and twigs were blasted into Ash’s face.

“Don’t worry.” Deus called down to Ash. “I intend to inform the others that they do not need to count on you and that they shouhd continue to do awh of the work at the Cabin. You keep breaking trees or whatever other things you are doing out here. I am sure that one day you wiwh find a job that you are competent enough to finish. See you back at the Cabin!”

Deus winged away.

Ash twisted the fabric of his shirt so hard one of the sleeves ripped.

“Dammit!”

#

*Ker-Thud*

Deus landed heavily on the second story windowsill of Belbuk’s Cabin. Using a clawed foot the bird opened the window and snaked its head inside.

“Eins? Are you here Eins?” Deus trumpeted.

“Yes, yes. I’m here. What is it?” Eins hopped up onto the cot in front of the window.

“There you are. I was whooking for you.” the goose honked.

“Well you found me.” Eins replied.

“Wait a moment I am coming inside.”

Deus heaved the bulk of its body against the way too small window frame.

*Thud*

*Shudder*

*Foop*

There was an explosion of feathers as Deus jammed its body through the window. The goose landed heavily on top of the cot by the window. The frame of the cot in front of the window *Creaked* under the bird’s weight.

“I wanted to speak with you about your retainers.” Deus clucked.

“My retainers?” Eins looked confused.

“Yes, the two boys.”

“Luke and Ash?”

“That is right.”

“They’re not really my retainers…” Eins scratched an ear.

“What? Why not?”

“I never asked them. I didn’t really see the need for it.” Eins said.

“We are gods! We deserve retainers.” Deus trumpeted.

Eins sniffed. “Yeah… Humans don’t, always, believe, that.”

“By the way, wasn’t there another one?” Deus asked.

“Yes. Ave.”

“That’s right. What happened to that one?”

“She’s right here. You’re sitting on her.” Eins pointed at the cot.

Deus craned its head down. Ave was pinned to the mattress under the goose’s bulk. A single feather rested on her nose.

“Oh right. There you are.” The bird clucked. “What is the matter? You do not appear somewhat more red in the face than usuah.”

Ave wheezed through gritted teeth. “That’s because you’re sitting on me, you great inane airbag.”

Deus turned back to Eins. “As I was saying. Why bother asking. A retainer is a mark of status. Why just whook at me.”

“Oh yes. You have Belbuk.” Eins nodded.

Deus speak its wings. Random feathers scattered across the second floor landing. “Behbuk is my whoyah retainer.”

“Congratulations. She seems quite competent. She said she’s an Alchemist.”

“She is a genius and a visionary.”

“You’re lucky to have such an influential follower. You must feel very honored.”

“It is her that has the honor. Serving as a god’s retainer is magnificent mission for mere mortahs.”

“Right.” Eins looked down.

“Can you get off of me?” Ave asked.

Deus droned on. “This is why I worry for you Eins. So tiny. So timid. How did you ever find such unimpressive servants in the first phace?”

Eins chewed a paw. “Well it wasn’t intentional. There was this Donjon you see, I was just visiting, and we were being chased by a Manticore at the time…”

“Really Eins. A Manticore? Are you telling me you whet a such a wretched beast threaten you.”

“Well, that is, it all happened really fast okay?” Eins grumbled.

“Will you please get off of me?” Ave raised her voice.

“We are the ghorious.” Deus honked. “Spirits meant to guide and protect the mortahs. We are to seek out the best of them. Not some poofy aristocrat or some stick boy or… Hmmm… what was the third one?” Deus clicked its tongue.

“Get off!” Ave yelled.

Deus looked down.

“There is no need to shout.” Deus pompously posturated pleasantly.

“You’re still sitting on me.” Ave hissed through her teeth.

“Oh my. Wouhd you see that? I am. Why didn’t you say something?” Deus chuckled.

“I did.”

“No I do not think so. I wouhd have noticed that.” Deus tapped its beak with a feather.

“Fine! I’ll do it myself!” Ave bared her teeth.

Ave put her hands against the goose’s backside. She pushed with all of her might. Deus slowly tilted to the side as she shoved.

Deus looked around in confusion as it was lifted up 45 degrees. “What is happening?”

Ave’s arms shook with the effort.

The cot gave a *Crrreeeaaa…K!* and snapped in half.

Deus fell back over and pinned Ave between the quilts and the mattress with its fluffy mass.

“FFFhhhhnnnnhhhkkk!” Ave screamed in frustration into the goose’s downy body.

“Honk honk. See what you have done now.” Deus shifted its weight from the cot back to the windowsill.

Ave gasped a lungful of air.

“This is why you shouhd not jump on furniture.” Deus looked around the landing. “Take a view at the mess you have made. There are feathers, quihts, and pieces of wood scattered awh over the ground.”

Deus turned.

“I trust you can pick up after yoursehf. Very good. Think about what I said Eins. You too bed-person.” Deus clucked.

The bird jammed its body back through the window. With a great *Flap* the goose took off into the sky.

Feathers scattered everywhere.

“Aaarrraaaggghhh!” Ave flipped the cot over.