F.R.I.E.N.D.S: The New Guy

Central Perk

The gang is lounging on their usual couch and chairs, chatting over coffee. Monica and the girls are at one end of the couch explaining her theory about relationships and the guys on the other end listening with Mercer, who is sitting in the middle of the group on the couch, sketching the schematics of a building in a notebook. He listens in as they discuss the topic of kissing.

Monica: "What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it."

Joey: "Yeah, right!..." (all the girls give him a deadpan stare) "You're serious?"

Mercer: (chiming in with a sly smile) "It's true. First impressions matter, even if it's just lips meeting lips. If it doesn't pull you in, do you even want to the rest?"

Phoebe: "Oh, yeah!"

Rachel: "Everything you need to know is in that first kiss."

Monica: "Absolutely."

Chandler: (to Mercer) "Says the guy who's just sketching and made us all sound less experienced."

Mercer: (shrugging) "Hey, I just observe and report. You're the entertainment."

Chandler: (ignores him) "Whatever but still, yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out."

Ross: "Yeah, and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that... that's not why we bought the ticket."

Chandler: "The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know?" (gestures with his hands) "I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake."

Rachel: "Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone." (she & Monica high-five)

Joey: (confused about the conversation) "....Are we still talking about sex?" (Ross gives him a thumbs up)

Museum of Prehistoric History

Ross and a co-worker Marsha are setting up an exhibit which includes some mannequins of cave people.

Ross: "No, it's good, it is good, it's just that- mm- doesn't she seem a little angry?"

Marsha: "Well, she has issues."

Ross: "Does she?"

Marsha: "He's out banging other women over the head with a club, while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet!"

Ross: "Marsha, these are cave people. Okay? They have issues like 'Gee, that glacier's getting kinda close.' See?"

Marsha: "Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife?" (points behind him)

Carol, Ross's ex-wife, has entered behind them and is standing outside the exhibit.

Ross: (trying to ignore her) "No. No."

Marsha: "Yes, it is. Carol! Hi!"

Ross: "Okay, okay, yes, it is." (waves) "How about I'll, uh, catch up with you in the Ice Age."(Marsha exits & Ross waves Carol into the exhibit, he then turns around to face the cave-man & touches it's left arm and it falls off, then he picks it up)

Ross & Carol: "Hi." (they hug and Ross holding the fake arm as it wraps around for Carol to see the hand & be weirded out, they let go and Ross drops the arm)

Carol: "So..."

Ross: "You look great. I, uh... hate that."

Carol: "Sorry." (chuckles) "You look good too."

Ross: "Ah, well, in here, anyone who... stands erect... So what's new? Still, uh..."

Carol: "A lesbian?"

Ross: "Well... you never know. How's," (gestures with hands) "um.. how's the family?"

Carol: "Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh-"

Ross: "Why- why are you here, Carol?"

Carol: "I'm pregnant."

Ross: "Pregnant?!" (stunned to hear that, he stands like the cave-man, as Carol looks between them, which prompts Ross to look at the cave-man)

Monica's Apartment

Chandler, Joey, Phoebe are watching Three's Company, as Monica is cleaning the table with the woman in the T.V speaking as she closes a door with a scoff says something with a bra in her hand.

T.V: "Looks like she didn't leave in such a hurry after all."

Chandler: (points at the t.v) "Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding."

Phoebe: "...Then I've already seen this one!" (turns off the t.v, as Chandler is annoyed with phoebe for the moment)

Monica: (taking the glass from Joey) "Are you through with that?" (whispers) "Thanks"

Joey: (wipes his mouth with his hand) "Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down."

Monica: (walking to the kitchen as see a paper ball on the side table, & points at it) "Whose little ball of paper is this?!"

Chandler: (turns to the side table) "Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself," (turns to Monica) "and then I realized I didn't need it, so I balled it up and..." (sees that Monica is glaring at him) "now I wish I was dead."

Phoebe: (Monica picks up the ball & starts to fluff a pillow) "She's already fluffed that pillow..." (pops her head around Chandler front to look at Monica) "Monica, you know, you've already fluffed that-" (Monica glares at her) "-but, it's fine!"

Monica: (looks stressed) "Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't wanna give them any more ammunition than they already have." (goes to the kitchen to put the stuff away)

Chandler: "Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow."

Phoebe: (turns to Monica)"Monica- Hi! Um, Monica, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and twirly." (gestures with her hands as Joey joins them) And not-not in a good way."

Joey: "Yeah, calm down. You don't see Ross getting all chaotic and twirly every time they come."

Monica: "That's because as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong." (goes to the kitchen) Y'see, he's the Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born." (takes a couple of fruits from the kitchen & puts them in the bowl on the dining table)

Chandler: (looking out the window and points) "Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew!"

Monica: (steps out the kitchen area to look at Chandler) "What?"

Chandler: "Ugly Naked Guy got a Thigh-master!"

All: (Joey, Monica and Phoebe come closer to look) "Euuugh!"

Rachel enter the living room from her room looking worried as she clutches her left hand a lot, because she knows that she lost the engagement ring that barry gave her.

Rachel: "Has anybody seen my engagement ring?"

Phoebe: "Yeah, it's beautiful."

Rachel: "Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God oh God...." (starts to look under the couch cushions)

Phoebe: (puts her hand out) "No, look, don't touch that!" (looks at Monica as Monica looks at Rachel)

Rachel: "Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to him..." (starts acting out a scene) "'Hi Barry! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front of your entire family!'" (ends the scene) "Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it so much harder..."

Monica: "Easy Rach, we'll find it." (looks at the guys with a stare) "Won't we!"

Chandler & Joey: (immediately start looking) "Oh! Yeah!"

Joey: (stands up) "Alright, when'd'ya have it on last?"

Phoebe: (looks at Joey as stating a fact) "Doy! Probably right before she lost it!"

Chandler: (looks at Monica)"You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days..." (Monica scoffs)

Rachel: "I know I had it this morning, (walks to the kitchen) and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with..."

Chandler: (looks at Rachel) "...Dinah?"

Rachel: (looks at the lasagna and realizes something) "Ohhhhh, don't be mad..."

Monica: "You didn't." (shocked)

Rachel: "Oh, I am sorry..." (Monica goes closer and picks up the lasagna)

Monica: "I gave you one job!" (starts to examine the lasagna through the bottom of the glass pan)

Rachel: "Oh, but look how straight those noodles are!" (goes behind Monica)

Chandler: (gestures with hands) "Now, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagna."

Monica: (puts down the lasagna) "I just... can't do it." (moves away from the lasagna)

Chandler: "People?" (looks at Joey & Phoebe) "We're going in."

Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe start to pick through the lasagna as there's a knock on the door which Monica answers.

Ross: (standing outside the door with an expression I don't know about) "....Hi."

Monica: "Wow. That is not a happy hi."

Ross: "Carol's pregnant."

Phoebe: (while everyone else is stunned, she pulls the ring out) "Ooh! I found it!"

Monica: "W-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-..."

Ross: "Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right about now." (he enters & slowly walks to the couch)

Chandler: "Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon?" (they give each other a look)

Rachel: "Well now, how-how do you fit into this whole thing?"

Ross: "Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved, but if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.. basically it's entirely up to me."

Phoebe: "She is so great! I miss her." (everyone gives her a deadpan stare)

Monica: "What does she mean by 'involved'?"

Chandler: (reaches Ross) "I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done."

Ross: (sits down on the couch with Monica) "Anyway, they want me to go down to this- sonogram thing with them tomorrow."

Rachel: "So what are you gonna do?"

Ross: "I have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father."

Joey: (starts to eat the rest of the lasagna and everyone turns and stares at him) "...Well, this is still ruined, right?"

Just then Mercer walks through the door holding what appears to be 2 glass dishes, one is a bowl, while the other is a long dish. Mercer knowing the lasagna would be ruined and Joey would start eating, he brought Monica spaghetti and lasagna along with some appetizers, so she can impress her mother who is known to nit-pick at Monica every chance she gets.

Mercer: (holding the dishes and bowing to them) "Yes, that lasagna is ruined but this lasagna and spaghetti are not ruined, and I also brought appetizers, so aunt Judy doesn't complain about the food." (puts everything on the counter)

Monica quickly gets up and looks through everything, as she starts to set them up, so she can serve her parents when they get here in the evening.

Monica: (kisses both cheeks of Mercer) "You are God-send. Now, mom will not stop eating these." (Monica looks at Mercer as he hands her note) "What's this?"

Mercer: "It's a detailed recipe of the lasagna I make, so now you can make it for you and the others."

Monica was moved that Mercer did so much for him, even giving his recipe for that god-made lasagna. Monica went over to him and hugged him, then let go. Mercer than looked at Ross sitting there in a daze, as Mercer knew he got the news of his child, so he excused himself and went to him and sat in front of him.

Mercer: "Ross, hey man, I hear you're going to be a father, how do you feel?"

Ross: (looks at Mercer with a daze) "I don't know, like I said I have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father. I some how know that they want to start a family, so I want to give them the chance to do it but what about me? What about my chance to start a family? Susan took that chance from me but I can't blame her for Carol being a lesbian." (looks at the floor defeated)

Mercer: (who had been listening intently, finally spoke, his tone calm yet purposeful) "It's not about what she took, Ross. It's about what you're left with—and what you're willing to rebuild and comprise. You know that you will find someone else and we will help you by being there for you when the time comes."

Ross blinked, looking up at him. Mercer had a way of cutting through the noise, his words landing like anchors in a storm.

Chandler: (muttered) "Yeah, great advice, meanwhile, we're all drinking coffee like life isn't a constant series of heartbreaks and bad jokes."

Mercer: (gives Chandler a look then back to Ross) "How about I come with you to the hospital to keep you company tomorrow, what do you say?"

Ross: "Yes please, I like that."

After talking for a bit, the gang left the siblings in the apartment for their family dinner, as everybody went about their day. Monica still on edge for having dinner with her mother and Ross still thinking about the baby.

Central Park - Night Time

Everybody except Mercer was at the coffee house lounging around as Rachel cleaned the table as the other were talking about how the Geller dinner went.

Joey: "Your folks are really that bad, huh?"

Ross: (gestures with his hand) "Well, y'know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done."

Monica: "Boy, I know they say you can't change your parents,... boy, if you could-" (points to Ross) "-I'd want yours."

Ross: "Must pee." (gets up from the chair & heads to the bathroom)

Phoebe: (holding Monica's feet) "Y'know, it's even worse when you're twins."

Rachel: (goes closer to Phoebe) "You're twins?"

Phoebe: "Yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered, driven career type."

Chandler: (laying with his head on the counter) "What does she do?"

Phoebe: (looks at him) "She's a waitress."

Rachel: "All right, you guys," (moves Chandler's legs out of the way) "I kinda gotta clean up now." (They all get up to start leaving)

Monica: "Chandler, you're an only child, right? You don't have any of this."

Chandler: "Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who... my parents actually preferred." (puts the cushion down on the couch)

Rachel: "The lights, please.."

Joey turns off the lights, and they all leave as Rachel starts to clean up. Ross enters from the bathroom.

Ross: (looks around) "...How long was I in there?"

Rachel: "I'm just cleaning up." (sweeping the floor)

Ross: "Do you need any help?"

Rachel: "Uh.. okay, sure! Thanks!" (she hands him the broom and sits down as Ross looks at her)

Ross: "Anyway.. um." (starts to sweep) "So, you- uh- you nervous about Barry tomorrow?"

Rachel: "Oh.. a little.."

Ross: "Mm-hmm.." (sweeps from in front of her legs to go to the other side)

Rachel: "A lot."

Ross: "Mm."

Rachel: (looks towards Ross) "So, got any advice? Y'know, as someone who's recently been- dumped?"

Ross: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken shell of a man. Y'know?" (starts sweeping the table and couches) "So you should try not to look too terrific. I know it'll be hard." (walks to behind couch) "Or, y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN..."

Rachel: "Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow.. When did it get so complicated?" (leans forward)

Ross: "Got me."

Rachel: "Remember when we were in high school together?"

Ross: "Yeah."

Rachel: "I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet someone, fall in love- and that'd be it?" (Ross gazes at her as she leans back on the couch) "..Ross?"

Ross: "Yes, yes!"

Rachel: "Oh! Man, I never thought I'd be here.." (she leans back onto his hand)

Ross: "Me either..." (he pulls up a stool so that he doesn't have to move his hand)

Carol's OB/GYN - Next Day

Carol is sitting on the hospital bed as she is waiting for the doctor, Susan and waiting for Ross to show up. As Ross and Mercer show up, Ross asks for directions form the receptionist to the room of Carol Willick, as Mercer waits out in the lounge for Ross.

Ross: (entering the room) "Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work. There was this big dinosaur.. thing.. anyway."

Susan: (enters holding a drink as both Ross & she look at each other) "Hi."

Carol: "Ross, you remember Susan."

Ross: "How could I forget?"

Susan: "Ross." (puts her hand out for a shake)

Ross: (they shake hands) "Hello, Susan." (to Carol) "Good shake. Good shake. So, uh, we're just waiting for...?"

Carol: "Dr. Oberman."

Ross: "..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he-"

Susan: "She."

Ross: "-she, of course," (looks and points his hand at Susan) "she- uh- familiar with our.. special situation?"

Carol: "Yes, and she's very supportive."

Ross: "Okay, that's great." (Susan hands out the juice box) "No, I'm- Oh." (takes the box and gives it to Carol)

Carol: "Thanks."

Ross: (picks up a surgical instrument and mimes a duck with it) "Quack, quack.."

Carol: "Ross? That opens my cervix." (he drops it back on the table in horror)

Barry's office

 Barry is working on patient, Robbie, as Rachel pokes half her upper body through the door.

Rachel: "Barry?"

Barry: "C'mon in."

Rachel: (hesitates) "Are you sure?"

Barry: "Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here for hours."

Robbie: "Huh?!"

Barry: "So, how ya doin?"

Rachel: "I'm- uh- I'm okay... You look great!"

Barry: "Yeah, well.."

Bernice: (over intercom) "Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein's gagging."

Barry: (answering the intercom) "Be right there." (To Robbie and Rachel) "Be back in a sec."

As Barry exits Robbie stares at Rachel.

Rachel: "I dumped him."

Robbie: "Okay."

Back At Carol's OB/GYN

Ross: "So, um- so how's this, uh, how's this gonna work? Y'know, with us? Y'know, when, like, important decisions have to be made?"

Carol: "Give me a 'for instance'."

Ross: "Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay, how about with the, uh, with the baby's name?"

Carol: "Marlon-"

Ross: "Marlon?!" (looks at Carol)

Carol: "-if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl."

Ross: (thinking about it for a moment) "...As in Mouse?"

Carol: (both the women look at Ross) "As in my grandmother."

Ross: (moves his hand from left to right) "Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse. Um, how about, um.. how about Julia?"

Carol: "Julia.."

Susan: "We agreed on Minnie."

Ross: "'S'funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches. I believe Julia's on the table..?"

Back In Barry's office

Rachel is doing her makeup in the mirror on Barry's lamp as Barry enters.

Barry: "Sorry about that." (puts th stool back near Robbie & sits down) "So. What have you been up to?"

Rachel: "Oh, not much. I-I got a job."

Barry: "Oh, that's great.'" (gets up to look in the near-by drawer)

Rachel: "Why are- why are you so tanned?"

Barry: "Oh, I," (hesitates) "uh- I went to Aruba."

Rachel: "Oh no. You went on our honeymoon alone?"

Barry: "No. I went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt."

Robbie: "Me?!"

Barry: (to Robbie) "No!" (to Rachel) "I went with Mindy."

Rachel: "Mindy?! My maid of honour, Mindy?!"

Barry: "Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now."

Rachel: "Oh! Well, um.." (grabs his forehand) "You've got plugs!"

Barry: "Careful! They haven't quite taken yet."

Rachel: "And you've got lenses! But you hate sticking your finger in your eye!"

Barry: "Not for her. Listen, I really wanted to thank you."

Rachel: "Okay.."

Barry: "See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you. More than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life. And I'm an orthodontist."

Rachel: "Wow."

Barry: "You know, you were right? I mean, I thought we were happy. We weren't happy. But with Mindy, now I'm happy. Spit."

Rachel: "What?"

Robbie: "Me." (spits)

Rachel: "Anyway, um," (gets the ring out of her purse) "I guess this belongs to you. And thank you for giving it to me."

Barry: "Well, thank you for giving it back."

Barry and Rachel look at each other as they are holding hands.

Robbie: Hello?!

Back At Carol's OB/GYN Again

They're still arguing about what to name the baby.

Susan: "Oh, please! What's wrong with Helen?"

Ross: "Helen Geller? I don't think so."

Carol: "Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller."

Ross: "Thank you!"

Carol: "No, I mean it's not Geller."

Ross: "What, it's gonna be Helen Willick?"

Carol: "No, actually," (sits up a little) "um, we talked about Helen Willick-Bunch."

Ross: "Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the title?" (points at Susan)

Susan: "It's my baby too."

Ross: "Oh, 's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember you making any sperm."

Susan: "Yeah, and we all know what a challenge that is!"

Carol: "All right, you two, stop it!"

Ross: "No no no, OKAY OKAY, quiet let me think for a moment." (Ross then starts pacing the room as both women go quiet)

As Ross is pacing the room Carol is worried because Ross never raises his voice, so this concerns her. At the same time Ross is thinking about what they just talked about with Susan laying a claim that 'it's her baby too', so Ross as thinking that, Mercer's words come out of his memory: what you're willing to rebuild and comprise. So, with that line in his mind, he starts to speak to them.

Ross: "Ok look, I know for a fact that the baby almost always takes the father's name," (points at them) "so, for you to tell me that the baby- my baby will not take my name, how do you think that makes me feel? I know that you both want to start a family together-... bu- but what about the family that I wanted to start? I know, for a fact, that the baby will take my name and sure,..." (points at Carol) "he can take your name to but- but..." (points at Susan) "the baby will not take her name. She will not take it away from me like she 'technically' took you away from me, I will not allow it to happen."

Just as Ross finishes his kind-of speech, the girls look at him as he is saying the truth and they both know it. As the vibe in the room becomes weird Dr. Oberman shows up.The tension in the room was palpable as the group moved into the sonogram room. The doctor greeted them with a warm smile, kind-of oblivious to the undercurrent of awkwardness.

Dr. Oberman: (entering the room) "Knock knock! How are we today? Any nausea?"

All: "Yeah. Yeah. A little."

Dr. Oberman: "Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for sharing." (to Carol) "Uh, lie back.."

Ross: (making his way to the door) "Y'know what, I'm gonna go. I don't- I don't think I can be involved in this particular thing right now."

He turns to go, but as the sonogram began, the tiny image of Ross's child appeared on the screen. He gasped softly, the sound of the sonogram catches in his ears, his emotions shifting from frustration to awe, he returns and stares at the screen to look at it. 

Ross: "Oh my God."

Susan: "Look at that." (takes Susan hand)

Carol: (griping Susan's hand, as Ross's hand grips both of theirs) "I know."

Ross: (he whispered, tears welling in his eyes) "That's... that's my baby."

Susan glanced at him but said nothing, her grip on Carol's hand tightening. The doctor's explanations of the baby's development filled the room, but for Ross, it was all background noise. For the first time since Carol's revelation, he felt a connection to the life growing inside her.

Monica and Rachel's Apartment - Night Time

Later that night, Rachel returned to her apartment, where Phoebe was strumming her guitar and Joey was chatting with Chandler and Mercer on the couch. Mercer, who had stopped talking for a second looks at Rachel, noticed her troubled expression.

Mercer: (sliding over to make room for her he asked) "How'd it go with Barry?"

Rachel: (groaned) "He's dating Mindy. They went on our honeymoon."

Mercer: (chuckled softly) "Life's funny that way, isn't it?"

Rachel: (frowned) "Funny? I don't see what's funny about it."

Mercer: "Well, It's a reminder that the life you left behind wasn't as perfect as you thought. Now you get to build something new. That's an exciting adventure."

Rachel considered his words. For the first time, she felt a spark of hope.

Later In The Night

The gang gathered back at Monica's apartment, decompressing from the day. As Ross enters with a happy expression and takes out his phone and connects it to the T.V.

Ross: (standing in front of the t.v) "Well? Isn't that amazing?"

Joey: (looks between Ross & t.v) "What are we supposed to be seeing here?"

Chandler: "I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise." (points at the t.v)

Phoebe: "You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato."

Ross: (looks at Phoebe) "Then don't do that, alright?"

Phoebe: "Okay!"

Mercer: (stands up from the couch & walks to the front of the t.v & points with his hands) "This- this right here is the baby okay? (looks at Chandler, Joey & Phoebe, then looks back at the t.v, then takes a closer look) "Yeah, that the baby."

Ross: (walks over to where Monica is standing) "Monica. Whaddya think?"

Monica: (welling up) "Mm-hmm."

Ross: (looks at her face) "Wh- are you welling up?" (teases her)

Monica: "No."

Ross: "You are," (looks at her face again) "you're welling up."

Monica: "Am not!"

Ross: "You're gonna be an aunt."

Monica: (pushes him and starts to cry) "Oh shut up!"

Rachel: (on phone) "Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. Really, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy. I really do. Oh, oh, and Min, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything-, I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose." (Slams the phone down & says to everyone) "Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now."

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A/N: So, the real reason I could not upload is that, my cousin's wedding on my mother's side is coming up, so, me and the rest of my cousins are choreographing dances for her wedding. So, I will kind of be busy for the rest of December. So, I will see you in January , where we will be back to 3 chapters a week. Bye