Filthy Gamer in Narutoverse

Onoki, the Third Tsuchikage, has led a long life of conflict. As the Leader of Iwagakure, Onoki realized a leader must never emotionally account for conflicts. NEVER. The death of one of his sons at Tsunade's hand did not faze him even a little. It did not spark any hatred in him. How many sons and daughters has he butchered over the years? How many children has he orphaned?

Only Iwagakure.

Only his village's survival is his priority. He accepts the simple understanding that the path of Shinobi only concludes with death.

Not as in life is beautiful because of death.

The Third Tsuchikage scoffs at such sentiments.

Nothing is captivating about life and death. Does one find a dead boar a sight to sore eyes? Does one view a living mosquito as exquisite?

Humans, especially Shinobi, must not be above such standards.

Only one thing surpasses such mortal sentiments.

Only one thing is honestly immortal in his eyes. After all, he still remembers THAT man. His malevolent crimson eyes and dreadful legacy.

The Ghost of Uchiha.

A legacy that is spoken of to the end of times—A legacy that will persist as long as Iwa stands the test of time; The Will of Stone.

His actions have garnered him an unhonorable alias. The Fence Sitter, they call him—Onoki of Both Scales.

A man willing to stab his allies in the back, procure thousands of slaves, raid hundreds of settlements, and degrade human lives to their absolute worst. But he knows just as well as other Shoguns and Nobles that the rest are no better.

This outlook on life also allows Onoki to adapt tactics he considers comprehensively rational unless it's a force of nature storming his way. And he knows two such men, but only one of them left a mark as deep as the Ghost that haunts him in the night.

An artificial meteor heated with friction needs no other finesse or gimmick to cause the desired destruction, a method Onoki chose after thinking about the real troubles hiding in the vast depth of power that Konoha is: The Sharingan, Second Hokage's Jutsu, and a Shinobi with the strength and expertise similar to the First Kage and his fiercest competitor.

Onoki crossed the last one out of his list.

Why?

Konoha would not settle for anything less if they had someone like Hashirama to flaunt. Hiruzen is too intelligent to underutilize such means as a chip to suppress the war and get other Shoguns to settle down.

What?

Shinobi, the master of stealth, prefer infiltration and other backhanded means if it gets them what they want.

War is bad for the business of all players, but not the spectators. No.

So, this leaves him with two problems.

One Uchiha Patriarch, likely possessing the Eyes of Nightmare. And a significantly tamer talent who got his hands on one of Second Hokage's Hiraishin, which should have been a forbidden jutsu if not for its glaring issue.

Now both these options needed to harm the user.

The force of his attack should put such war potentials out of the commission. Onoki's knowledge of the Mangekyo Sharingan was low but not non-existent. And thus, he understood that it bore massive pressure on the user. As for any user of Hiraishin?

The sheer heat from the friction would destroy any clone before they near the meteor, forcing the real body to sacrifice itself to teleport the attack.

*Whoosh*

Konoha exceeded his expectations as Onoki observes the masked youth floating not far from him. His greyish claws gleam with a cold light as the wind picks around them due to the sudden disappearance of a heated mountain.

'The Dragon Sennin.'

Onoki narrows his eyes and calms the tide of emotions coursing through his veins.

"Dragon of Konoha, worth 20 Million. Kai." Onoki presses his hands together while eyeing Kai, adding with a vicious smirk.

"Or did you believe we are unaware of your true identity, Legacy Guardian Kai?"

Kai blinks from behind his mask before frowning at himself. He admittedly took the cum-man as a source of trouble way later, so he has no way of finding out what they found about him before that. Maybe Hiruzen spoke about him with Jiraiya, or it could be something else.

"Still wearing your mask?"

Onoki's eyes twitch as the weak impact from the wind burst from the point of collision of the mountain outside Konoha finally reached them.

'Or, he could just be fishing for information here.'

Kai narrows his eyes.

'Just stick to the plan and prepare for counters as Nono discussed.' Kai shrugs to himself. Even if his identity leaked, what of it? And if not, why should he open his mouth and confirm any suspicion?

He could, however, keep Onoki a bit occupied until his own Kage arrives.

He may assassinate a Kage, but revealing his strength in the open solely invites all sorts of trouble for no good reason. He wants a harem of babes, so showing off must be done professionally and not to jack old men off.

So, Kai is forced to adopt the only way of stalling taught by the best master for this form—Bad Puns.

"My name is Jeff."

"Well, we tried," Onoki replies as his palms open to reveal a cuboid of white translucent chakra that houses an intensely glowing white orb in the center!

Kai shrugs. He truly tried. But Kages are sometimes a flawed audience.

His vision shifts the next second as he taps Minato's shoulder, "Enjoyed your technique screwing up a Kage?"

Minato half-turns with an almost puckish grin as awe laces his stark-blue eyes.

"It was more than my technique! We have a lot to consider after we get through the night."

Mikoto eyes the duo before looking at Kiri, Igari, and Juzo.

"We regroup at the police station. Retreat."

Kiri and others nod quickly and disappear into the forest as Mikoto quietly watches Onoki aiming the cuboid of chakra in their direction once he noted some movements.

"Should I get it, dattebane?" Kushina practically snarls as her violet eyes adopt a crimson hue.

"None of us will be facing a Kage unless ordered to." Kai narrows his eyes.

"And what of the famous Dust Release pointed at us?" Mikoto questions.

"Go and regroup with your team," Kai replies as Onoki releases the deceptively quick shape of chakra in their direction.

"The honor of facing a Kage should go to another one, after all."

"Five Dragon Explosions!"

A chorus of hoarse voices snarl sharply as five dragons rise from the ground and around them—Mud, Earth, Fire, Water, and Lightning—before throwing themselves at the small chakra cuboid as a harsh white light expands from within the ball of element dragons, and turns the attack into dust.

"I don't recall you underestimating even a small bunny, Onoki?" Five shadows quickly flicker into existence on top of the trees—Hiruzen and his clones. One of them continues.

"But to use so little Chakra to attack my men that it could be countered by simple elemental dragons? You truly have grown old."

Onoki raises one of his bushy, Guy-Duy class brows but doesn't respond verbally.

Instead, one of Hiruzen's clones looks back at the group and nods calmly.

"Return. You will have new orders flowing shortly after. Leave this to me."

As others nod calmly, Kai adds a short saluting gesture before leaving with the rest.

"A part of me believed that you would want to tackle the Organization dispensing our Village's information to each of us. But it's clear that you find that whatever we may or may not know is too dangerous."

Hiruzen looks at his flying enemy as he adds. "There aren't burned bridges as of now, Onoki. Quit it while you still can."

"If you believe I can be manipulated into fighting another's War just because of some information, then you, too, may have lost your touch," Onoki observes his supposed equal.

"I do all for Iwagakure."

"Men like us keep telling ourselves that," Hiruzen chuckles. He once pulled himself out of reality and let Danzo do whatever he wished by lying to himself. "We may lie to ourselves just enough that it feels like reality… but Onoki, men like you and I only do things that serves our best interest. It just so happens WE want our Villages to thrive."

"I see no difference."

"When you do, it will already be too late. It IS already too late."

Hiruzen smirks thinly, but his shriveled face lacks any warmth. His wrinkled eyes regard Onoki with no hate or fear.

"The things men do just to prove a point."

A short memory resurfaces in Onoki's mind as he recalls his earlier exchanges with Hiruzen in their primes.

"The things men do to surpass ancestor's heritage."

Their smirks turn upside down into grim looks as Onoki forms the first seal, and his chakra forms an encasing of rock around his hands.

Hiruzen's attack is even quicker as the pitch-black gold-ended staff elongates at a quick pace before crashing into Onoki with force no less than mountains crashing!

---

Nono is sleeping on a thin mattress, or at least, that's what it looks like to others. The floor is shared by other clans like the Yamanaka, Nara, and Akimichi Clans, but they keep to themselves except for a few children, and Genins already in teams have taken it upon themselves to gossip about the happenings outside the Hokage Mountain.

But Nono is not sleeping.

"Excuse me, is she in a Genjutsu?" One of the four stationed Anbu members finally approaches Hiroshi Senju, Nawaki's attendant tasked with the clan's supervision.

"Hmm, yes, she is."

Hiroshi nods and helps one of the old women sit properly and lets her drink water. Other teens are volunteering to help the few and not feel congested by staying in such a small space.

After all, a better portion of the village is crammed in the hollow interior of one mountain!

"Is that—"

"She did that to herself, and if you don't want to see men fucking each other in the most degrading manner, I suggest you don't poke in her illusions," Hiroshi cuts to the chase and sighs. "Please, many find themselves on edge, including Nono. Self-genjutsu is her way out whenever she is not working."

With the sole intention of clearing things up and not poking his nose in the wrong crowd, the Anbu member accepts the explanation and leaves.

As one of the volunteers to help others feel comfortable, Konan passes Nono again and cringes at the sight of her obscene smirk.

The Bluenette, however, is surprised to find two girls descending to her floor.

"They let you enter?" Konan looks at Kurenai and Shizune.

"Well, our movements aren't restricted. We aren't prisoners, after all." Kurenai looks around and sighs at the glum surroundings.

Children from the clans are usually taught manners, and such, at an early age, so things aren't as lively as things on the upper floors that house more commoners. The children are going absolutely crazy by playing and running around!

"And why are you two here?" Konan questions as Kurenai smirks in reply.

"Payback."

"You said testing our biology and revising a few more topics. The test set by Mikoto-san and others are still hard." Shizune frowns.

"Well, Sensei taught me to lie good enough so you couldn't see through it." The crimson-eyed girl sticks her nose high.

"Says the girl who still falls for Sensei's words." Konan narrows her eyes.

"It's called being a good student!"

"A kiss-ass."

"At least, he doesn't steal my dumplings!"

"Because the dumplings he steals from me are just THAT delicious."

"If I may, is it about Kinju?" Shizune cuts in and questions as Kurenai nods earnestly.

"So, you plan to attack an Uchiha Genin under the watch of Anbu members?" Konan blinks in surprise.

"They said it's alright."

"Did they?" Konan and Shizune gape simultaneously as Kurenai huffs.

"I thought about it and asked Sensei privately before we were placed here. He said, and I quote—Go crazy. Break a leg.—I assume the last part was… metaphorical." Then she adds thoughtfully. "Maybe not?"

"It's metaphorical!" Shizune hisses while Konan considers things calmly and looks around, only to feel four watchful gazes in their direction.

"What do Sensei's words have to do anything with you asking for the Anbu's permission?" Konan questions.

"Oh, no. Orochimaru-san sent the message through one of the Shinobi. He said he understands their position as long as we don't kill anyone or get killed."

Shizune and Konan purse their lips until the former questions, "And you don't find any problem in that itself?"

"It seems pretty simple." Kurenai crosses her arms, "We make an example out of Kinju, so others stop calling Shizune names."

The short-haired brunette finally sighs and shakes her head, "If it's just that, I'm returning."

"Huh?" Kurenai looks at Shizune in surprise as the girl replies with a stony look. She had already put the whole thing behind her once she made up her mind to deal with her situation by making statements about her actions and cleaning her name instead of lashing out.

"I am not going to attack Kinju Uchiha just over some names. Besides, he believes it because I have no notable contributions to refute his claims. My body was used to commit a crime, that's all."

"That's not all." Kurenai asserts, "You cannot just let him walk all over you—"

"And if I do what you want, is it me letting you roll over me?" Shizune retorts sharply with a glare. She rarely loses her gentle nature, but she's been leading the team for the better part of the year.

Kurenai shuts up as Shizune continues, "I'm… very happy that you two would go so far for me. I would, too."

Blushing a little and averting her gaze in embarrassment, Shizune mutters, "But I don't think it's wise to lash out. I'm not like Kushina-san or Sensei. Don't misunderstand. I hate it when someone calls me a traitor, but being violent may just prove their point. It may just send the wrong message to Konoha's administration."

Kurenai thins her lips before her shoulders slump.

"All my plans… for nothing."

"Maybe we can goad Kinju to attack us, then beat him in self-defense?" Konan muses, making Shizune look back helplessly. Yet, Konan smirks.

"But duly noted. If you don't get moody over words, we have no reason to make matters worse for you."

"Since we're here, let us help out." Shizune smiles in relief.

"Yeah, better than getting bored. And since Sensei allowed us to remove our weights… I feel hard sitting still." Kurenai waves her arms around.

Konan shrugs and leads them around as Kurenai and Shizune note something odd.

"Hey, what's with Nono-san's expression?"

"A lewd illusion… maybe."

"Gross, but I would like to whip up Genjutsu as well as her," Kurenai mutters.

"Your reputation is really sinking, huh?" Kai chuckles as they are in the same illusion of their bedroom where he and Nono did illusion-nasty again as Nono lies on his chest.

"It doesn't matter. Reputation is needed to find a great partner, establish political strength, and whatnot. I already have the former and don't care for the latter. Besides, it's this reputation of mine that can let us communicate like this without an issue."

Kai chuckles. One of his wooden clones stayed with Nono and formed this simple genjutsu to converse with her. The other six clones are in various spots of the village.

"I can actually create another wooden clone. But it's not the division of mind that's stopping me. It's my chakra. Adding more clones has no meaning for now."

"Do you think Lord Third will survive?"

Nono is a rare existence that has all the happenings in the village since the wooden clones share information live.

"I wouldn't know. But his death will affect Konoha negatively, so one of my clones is near him at the Police Station. Mikoto's my priority, after all."

"And the Hyuga Clan's treasury?"

"Empty. They stored most of their secrets in storage scrolls and brought them along."

"I still think you are reaching a bit here." Nono looks at Kai as he works his jaws.

"Byakugan is hailed as Sharingan's rival since ancient times… since the likes of Madara Uchiha. I want to see if that's true. After all, I already like Byakugan more than usual Sharingan… just never got my hands on one or even replicate it… even with Senjutsu Chakra."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. I even went as far as replicating their nervous system after memorizing their medical records, but the shadow clone… dispersed the second it was formed."

Nono mulls on the matter and mutters, "What about Lady Biwako?"

"No movements."

"And Mukai?"

"He's already here. Orochimaru had him wear an Anbu outfit after she had a chat with Hizashi."

"So, they are prepared for the worst." Nono clicks her tongue.

"It's only the worst in their eyes," Kai purses his lips and then exhales quietly. "But… I'm not letting go of this chance. Having dojutsu is not important to me. It's replicating them. But for now, given my priorities, I can only settle for experiencing Dojutsu firsthand."

Nono merely smiles and slips under the blanket once again.

"Haven't you had enough practice for your real body?" Kai smirks as Nono scoffs in reply.

"Practice makes perfect, but since perfection does not exist, my path is endless!"

"Quite a way to call yourself a slut."

Nono's smirk widens as they continue to share more things than information.

"By the way, do you really think Onoki knows your real name?" Nono questions in between her illicit actions.

"Probably not. Now that I have more time to think about it, the information in Bingo Book must have been updated, too. After all, my stock only rises as Tsunade's Legacy Guardian. But the cum-man must have some suspicion about me. He's been strictly off the Senju Property… and I think it's because of the seals I refurbished."

Nono agrees with him on that and smiles a bit wider.

"But I have to question? Are we really in the right here?"

Kai grins as he cups her cheeks. "And what's that in our world?"

---

"We will get our chance soon."

Three 'Anbu' members gather within the mountain's interior. Two of them have precisely similar stature, while the third is thinner and less remarkable.

Hizashi stares at his elder twin and adds after a second, "Only if they are the ones to act out of control. They should be allowed enough time to form their decision."

"And what does that mean?" Hiashi narrows his eyes.

"I noticed it some time ago," Hizashi shakes his head calmly, "I speak from experience. Don't let short-sightedness shackle you. The Clan Elders do not have our trust, but they should still have a chance."

Mukai quietly observes the duo.

Hiashi grows silent and finally musters quietly.

"I have made my peace."

"Doesn't make it any less selfish."

"You don't have any choice." Hiashi points out.

"I'm free of the caged seal. I have all the choice in the world."

Hizashi turns around and flickers away. Only his voice remains behind.

"Return to your positions. It won't be long if the clan wants to make a move."

***

Alternate Title: Fishing Information; A Professional Show-Off; Inadequate Crowd; My Name is Truly Jeff; Choices; Shizune's Resolution; Konan and Kurenai are Gaslighting Menaces; What Men Must Do; Immortal Legacy; When Rationality Meets Freaks of Nature; Losing Touch; Nono's Reputation is Her Greatest Asset; Clapping Illusory Cheeks; There is No Right; Break a Leg… Metaphorically, Of Course?; Shackled by Guilt—Indifferent—Free of The Caged Seal

***

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