Filthy Gamer in Narutoverse

Three odd beings converse in the hidden caverns carved under Amegakure. Of these three individuals, Kai is familiar with two of them.

The cum-men.

Torches illuminate the cavernous links created under Ame. Each cave linked by the rocky hallways is easily tens of meters wide as if made to house something titanic at all times.

While Kai has observed the two individuals—

One cum-man with a mangled right side and a carpet of green hair and the other taller cum-man with a spindly frame that hunches down on itself—

He has never seen the third oddity.

This being is entirely snow-white, too, without a hint of genital growth— like their brethren. But they did not have green hair or pupilless yellow eyes. The face of the third being consists of white fleshy materials spiraling around the empty spot of his right eye.

"Huff, it took too long to finalize our shift under Amegakure," the cum-man with the spiral face whines without any visible mouth.

"You did nothing, Guruguru!"

Both his brothers snap at him. Wiggling his hands in a creepy and boneless manner, Guruguru objects, "Hey! I liven up our party! That is a difficult responsibility!"

"Oh, off with you, Tobi," the lankier cum-man regards the spiral one with his accurate name.

The one with the mangled right half and spikes of white wooden pillars jutting across his waist and right side sighs quietly.

"We undoubtedly spent too much time helping that old man shift everything. We also did not possess enough chakra to summon him and the husk directly if he would have even entered into a summoning contract with us in the first place."

Tobi and the lankier one stop their bickering and ponder quietly.

"Oi, Ita, did you do everything the Old Man asked? Only you got the racial trait to share consciousness similar to roots."

The lankier one, Ita, rolls his eyes and scratches his head.

"Yeah, yeah, I did. But Konoha is really wildin' right now— They have three sages! A kid with sage transformation, too! That's fucked up. Didn't Madara use to say women are weak? I saw one bulldoze through everything! I wonder what else the Old Man got wrong in his views."

The mangled one chuckles.

"If it's upto him, then only Hashirama Senju is worthy of his attention and… much more."

"Kek!" Tobi grins without a face. "Rama! You're fucking nuts! Don't say that in front of Madara!"

"That fear is unfounded."

A cold voice interjects Tobi, Ita, and Rama.

From the dark hall emerges another white fellow with short green hair. His body is neither spindly, spiral, or layered with spikes. He sports similar jagged teeth, yellow eyes, and a dickless body.

He is, however, built better physically. His shoulders are broad, and rippling musculature familiar to their human counterparts graces his physique.

To them, those lives might as well be distant dreams.

"A fourth one?" Tobi cheers and flashes a thumbs up, "Got a name? Or do we get that fortune?"

"Ura."

The cum-man replies.

"Call me Ura. Now, Madara created me to lead the raid later on. I will be the one to make use of all the information you compile, Ita."

"Just like that? Sure. Sharing information with you will be even simpler given our composition," Ita shrugs and rolls his shoulders back.

"So we don't have to meet Madara?" Rama questions.

"He is tired from moving and has given me access to Hatake's seal. Rest, however, will function the same way they have. It means they will provide information in the same pattern they have. Or if they are inclined to work for us directly, they will do so."

"Would have been easier if he just used that damn jutsu on Hanzo," Ita scoffs.

"Hanzo did not pass the cut— be his talent or ambitions— he entered a downward spiral when he felt complacent with his position after the second war. That's why Hatake can persist in Ame till now. On that note, I want you to make another round at Iwa. Madara feels uneasy from the general direction of Land of Rocks."

The trio cock their head sideways.

"Iwa is no Uzu. We have all but confirmed Mito's survival at this point. You think it's something more dangerous to have his gut feeling troubled?" Tobi mutters uneasily, "Oh, man! I want some vacation!"

"You're always on vacation!" Ita and Rama grunt.

Ura groans and palms his face.

"Look, I don't know what's going on with Madara. But let's just use what we have and take what's ours from Konoha. Even if Madara had some counters planned for the boy's safety, he should have brought Nagato away. Now we're in this mess."

The other three nod, and seeing their honest reactions, Ura cannot help but muse internally.

'There is a strange sensation between the four of us. The three cannot make use of it, but I can… If my suspicions are correct and it's none of them, then the other party is at large.'

'After all… why did Madara, the Survivor of the Great Era of War, make these elementary mistakes? When did—'

Ura looks at the trio disappearing into the ground.

Mokuton.

Something 'he' longed for.

'— he get so muddled?'

— — —

"Why can't I leave?"

Sakumo stares into a mirror within a dilapidated apartment built upon the metal spiderweb of pipes and other scraps known as— Amegakure.

Infiltrating the village was one of the most effortless tasks he had ever performed.

His wife gave him a more demanding time when they tried to conceive Kakashi.

Even then, 'Try' is a strong word.

"It's no genjutsu."

Sakumo is aware by now that something is wrong.

No shinobi of a sound mind will take similar actions.

But he was not snared by a Genjutsu.

'It's not just my mind that suffered something unknown… but my body, too.'

Nothing changed the first few days, but Sakumo felt odd. A veteran's gut in a profession that does not leave others living for long can be exceptionally discerning.

Sakumo knows he cannot return to the village in this condition.

He is compromised— he is playing to someone else's tunes.

"My right eye should be gone. My right arm was taken by A's son in the ambush. Yet here I am."

He looks at his perfectly healed body with a grim expression.

He is not just fine!

He is stronger!

And that's the problem.

Sakumo peaked his upper growth in his early thirties. His body and chakra should not improve at such an astonishing pace.

'The stronger I am, the worse problem I will become if something— someone— makes use of me.'

The realization also leaves the once-cold operator of the blade with indecision.

Should he stay in Ame or leave?

If he leaves, what should be his next destination? He has spent a lot of time trying to find the culprit of his situation but failed.

'If it isn't a genjutsu, what else can cause this disgusting feeling of being controlled?'

He should know how this feels. After all, his constant confrontation with Suna placed him against the strongest of puppeteers. A puppet master is not only good with chakra threads but tactics, too.

'So this is what Karma feels like, huh? No, it couldn't be. If it were Karma, Konoha would gain one enemy from Suna who cuts down their forces and get a monicker— Brown Shit Fang.'

He chuckles to himself. Even his puns are getting on point.

Something is definitely wrong.

"If not a Genjutsu," Sakumo covers himself and contemplates, "It is a ninjutsu or something more peculiar— a fuinjutsu. No, a Juinjutsu."

Understanding all this is not the hard part.

"But how can I unravel it if I don't know the first thing about this jutsu?"

He frowns and muses. He knows one particular fuin-master that would grin and say—

"No, there is a clue."

Sakumo looks outside the window at the industrialized village cursed by a perpetually heavy downpour.

"I am the clue."

"I am left indecisive. I am growing stronger somehow. And I am in someone's control without any Genjutsu. Just because a curtain of chakra is not controlling mine does not mean it may not be a Genjutsu. If anything, it can be a Genjutsu fashioned into another carrier… like a seal. I… I need to find a skilled body specialist outside of Konoha."

'Truly, Hanzo and Sakumo are worlds apart. This kind of grit is a fateful growth.'

A condescending gaze hides from Sakumo— knowing full well that White Fang's instincts are on par with the top geniuses cultivated from the Warring Era.

'But I must also pay you my gratitude. If not for your constant deliberation and Tsunade Senju adopting Nagato, Madara would not have understood the folly of his unchecked arrogance. Like you, something is deeply wrong with him, but it does not stem from that cursed seal.'

'All will be clear once I step into Konoha after all these years. It would seem that Konoha's growth might surpass other powers comprehensively. We cannot have that, can we, Sarutobi Hiruzen? Is your village really strong when built on a weak foundation of trust? Let's put it to the test. Your hopes and descendants against the reality of this world. That's why I am created.'

— — —

"Heh! Congrats on being a mo— ack, father!" Jiraiya grins as he dodges a kunai aimed at his right eye and toasts his teammates.

They just deposited Kakuzu and A's son in the T&I Department before visiting their local watering hall for drinks. It was already evening by the time Hiruzen unloaded everything about how the information had been leaking left and right.

It can't all be Danzo. Someone else is behind everything and possibly Sakumo's disappearance.

Instead of despairing over the situation, Orochimaru offered drinks since Hiruzen had already cleared the papers for Mitsuki's adoption.

And here they are.

"Phuaaaa!" Tsunade grins after gulping down a bottle, "Poor sucker! If it were me, I'd curse the devils the day someone like Orochimaru adopts me."

"Says the one who had the biggest crush on her— I mean him! Fuck, it's hard to not slip up! Took everything from me trying not to slip up in front of Sensei."

Orochimaru calmly sips from her saucer, "And that's why I will help you with your Sage Mode. Had you ruined it for me, I would have been forced to return the favor."

"And I didn't have the biggest crush on Orochi!" Tsunade scoffs.

"That's right," Orochi smiles, "She had the biggest crush on a shinobi from the sexual squad who took the blazing title of a traitor soon after."

Tsunade freezes.

"After she put him in a hospital room," Jiraiya shrugs, "Not that I didn't go through the same."

"Try touching me again, and it'll be worse," Tsunade smirks.

"Lucky Kai, huh," Jiraiya chuckles and relaxes. Back then, he was making a move, and it failed. Jiraiya is a sage that can take a hint.

"Lucky Tsunade," Orochimaru corrects with a narrow-eyed smile.

Scoffing under her breath again, Tsunade mutters, "If I wanted a hard time, I would have taken up what Nawaki and Hiroshi are up to. I just hope Nawaki doesn't lead a loss of 10% the first week like me…"

"I remember that. You had bet 10% of your clan's treasury to make the bet exciting. Uh… what was the bet about?" Jiraiya looks at Orochimaru.

"Let's not—"

"Who picks a card with a higher value from the stack. To quote Tsunade— The easier the bet and the higher the consequences, the more likely I am to win!— a foolish endeavor… that one."

Tsunade flushes harder and pouts.

"You suckers are jealous that I'm the only one who got results on this mission."

"No, we aren't," Jiraiya shrugs with a grin.

"Of course not. We aren't this petty," Orochimaru smirks.

"Kiss my ass," The Senju scoffs.

"Fine, I'll get Kai," The white-haired master shrugs.

"Oh, don't. Tsunade's assistant should suffice for such simple acts. Nono, was it?"

"Heh, I'd like to see that!"

"You two done?" Tsunade eyes the duo and leans back on her chair. Already addicted to Somarasa, Tsuande felt nothing for the sake of the restaurant, but she stayed for companionship.

The trio would be back knee-deep in work tomorrow morning.

Orochimaru is trying to take a step into motherhood… or fatherhood… or whatever she fancies being called.

Jiraiya will undoubtedly be pressured by the emergence of such an opposing network. He will also need to reform his networks if need be, Not only that, but he will also try to train his Sage Mode again in hopes of working out all the kinks he could not in Mount Myoboku.

And Tsunade herself…

Will be drowned by paperwork.

Wood clones will come in handy, but they are exhausting, which means she will be training as she works.

This is the only moment of respite the three of them will get.

After all…

The trio was informed of another thing by Hiruzen.

The true intention behind the Hyuga Event and what they should expect in the coming months.

'Chances are that Kai is already aware of most of it, but I should have a chat with him. Sensei hinted to me that I can loop my Legacy Guardian in.'

'I wonder what he has been upto.'

— — —

"I finally get to unravel you, too~"

A cheery and eager voice whispers as a shadowy figure stands in a peculiar shrine situated deep within the Uchiha Clan's compound.

***

Alternate Title: Council of Cum-men; Old Madara; Muddled; Belief or Reality; Legend Steps forward; Hints of Uneasiness in Iwa; A Drunken Relief; Jiraiya and Orochimaru are Surely Not Petty; The Uchiha Shrine; Orphan no More, Unfortunate Mitsuki

***

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