Fatigue Syndrome: The Lassitude

I took a step. Ithae slightly turned his head, following my movement. What does he dislike again? I didn’t wake him up. Or not. Maybe my step is so cool that he can’t take his eyes off? It would be inconvenient if he fell in love. After all, I’m going to break up with you.

“…What? I’m not a Chinese paper door, no matter how much you stare, you won’t burn a hole.”

“You’re late.”

“Yeah. Not that I was busy. If I had been busy, I would have come yesterday.”

I replied, throwing back the blanket. Although changes in Ithae no longer mattered much, it doesn’t mean I wasn’t hurt. Even if a long-time friend doesn’t keep in touch, it becomes sad. Moreover, when a relationship with a loved one has reached such a terrible state, who would be indifferent? I need to clearly show that I’m displeased.

Ithae closed his mouth again. He really doesn’t ask where I was and what I did. If it was before… No, before he would have contacted me as soon as work hours ended. Even last year, he regretted even the time spent with friends. He loved me so much that he even suggested living together. But not now.

I still wanted to sleep.

Although I had just prepared for bed, it was already past midnight. Honestly, I wished he would stop talking. Usually, he doesn’t ask, and now when I’m tired, why does he keep talking? Maybe it’s a trick to torment me, making me continue talking about things he’s not even interested in?

I curled up under the blanket. I didn’t care if Ithae would lie down or continue sitting. The most important thing for me was sleep. My eyes were already half-closed, and to open them, I had to strain all the muscles in my forehead.

‘Damn, no! Stop the wrinkles!’

Muttering a curse to myself that didn’t match my age, I just closed my eyes. Just in case, to smooth out the wrinkles, I lightly rubbed my forehead. No matter how tired I was, taking care of my appearance was important.

Although it seemed that the gaze was still fixed on my face, my mind was already halfway on the train to dreamland. No, one foot was already on board.

If I tell him to talk in the morning, we won’t meet anyway…

Turning my sleepy head, I somehow moved the muscles around my mouth, which had already stopped working.

“If you have something to say, send a message.”

“…”

Yes, that’s right. Even calling is awkward. You need to choose the moment. A message seemed appropriate, it’s dry and normal. The sharp gaze instantly disappeared. Maybe my feelings were dulled due to sleepiness. Ithae seemed to understand the meaning of my words and didn’t open his mouth again.

Indeed, I need to go see that officetel once more. Of course, tomorrow I’ll contact other agencies, not the bald uncle from “Shine”. Ah, I wonder if the agency is called “Shine” because of his baldness? Or did his forehead become shiny after he named the agency “Shine”?

Would it be impolite to ask about this next time? I need to say it carefully. “Your representative appearance really suits the agency’s name. Did you choose the name based on your appearance?” Hm, I think that would be okay. It sounds like a very polite compliment. The stream of thoughts continued.

At some point, the thin thread of thoughts broke, and I fell into a deep sleep.

In my dream, the day of our first meeting with Ithae kept repeating over and over. The old, worn-out tape was greatly stretched in places, and in some parts, it seemed the content was erased, and only a black screen was projected. I watched this boring movie, knowing its ending, until dawn. Today’s movie in the cinema completely failed. Even one star is a pity. It was expected.

This scene no longer caused any excitement.

The sunlight pouring through the window made me open my eyes wide. I woke up, and the sun had already risen? Hm. Looks like morning training is canceled.

Still lying down, I stretched my arms and legs. A cracking sound came from my lower back. Damn. Goosebumps ran all over my body. When I slowly tried to get up, I suddenly felt a gaze from the side. This can’t be? The feeling was similar to last evening’s. Very annoying.

“Ah.”

Turning my head, I met eyes with Ithae, who was looking at me. The short sound that escaped from surprise seemed to reach Ithae too. His pupils trembled slightly. Maybe he felt my bewilderment? Why are you so surprised? You were clearly watching me while I was getting up and stretching.

“Hello.”

“…Ah.”

“Has your face changed somehow?”

“…No.”

“I mean, long time no see.”

I casually threw these words and continued stretching. Ithae’s face still showed confusion. How awkward. This is why I didn’t want to meet before breaking up.

I absentmindedly looked at the second hand of the clock on the wall, which was ticking, moving. If I wash up and prepare, I won’t have time to have breakfast before leaving. Maybe buy a sandwich at the office cafe on the way to work? Then I need to get ready a bit faster. When I was about to get up, leaving Ithae sitting on the bed, he suddenly spoke to me.

“Do you have time for breakfast?”

“No. I didn’t know work was so far. Indeed, I should have left yesterday.”

“You… Lately you haven’t been doing this, why are you speaking in hints again?”

“Ah, really? I didn’t know. I thought I’ve always been like this lately. It’s surprising that you, with whom I communicate once every few days, know me better than I know myself, although I’m with myself every day. Interesting. You’re so foreign to me that I thought this was an escape room. In case you don’t understand, I’ll clarify: I mean I want to escape from this room right now.”

“…”

I didn’t put any emotion into this long phrase. Since he said not to speak in hints, the only option left is to speak directly. I wasn’t originally a person who expresses things beautifully. I couldn’t speak softly, considering the other person’s feelings or thinking about the wound they might receive.

Sometimes these words very sharply wounded the interlocutor, and as soon as I learned that I had caused pain, I immediately apologized. But if Ithae gets offended by my words now… It means that you have something to feel guilty about, not that I’m to blame for this.

“Eat alone, don’t rush.”

I said this without turning to him. I didn’t have any urgent matters at work today, so it looked like the day would be calm. Let’s see. This sweater will look cute and lively. I took clothes and underwear for today and left the room.

Until this moment, Ithae hadn’t even moved. Not even the rustle of the blanket was heard. Ugh, uncomfortable. Indeed, it’s best when work and home are close. I felt sad that I couldn’t have breakfast.

I closed the door, leaving Ithae alone there.

From next week, only Ithae will remain in this house. If he’s going to bring his lover here as a resident, he should at least charge rent. This is a jointly owned house for which we paid exactly half each. It’s practically impossible to sell the house without my knowledge. A seal is needed for the sale.

Nevertheless, to prevent possible fraud, a contract needs to be drawn up. It will have to be written at the very end when I move out all my things. I’ll need to get notarization from a familiar senior.

Of course, it would be cleanest to sell this house to Ithae, but why give away a house that brings gold now! For whom? I’ll hold on until the end. The price of this property may rise even more. The location is excellent. It’s a real gold mine.

Thinking about it again, I realized that I really had been in a disadvantageous relationship for myself. Of course, at the time it didn’t seem like a loss, but now it is. I acutely felt this fact now when I had to spend more than an hour commuting back and forth, not even having breakfast.

Indeed, we need to break up.

Like a small decision in everyday life, this thought calmly filled my heart. There was no doubt in this decision. Putting a period to our relationship was a completely natural conclusion.

∞ ∞ ∞

Today I didn’t go home but went to see apartment options from other agencies. I was planning to sign a contract for at least 2 years, so I didn’t want to choose mediocre housing. Of course, I was very cautious. I checked everything even more thoroughly than when I deal with work matters.

Even while viewing apartments, I sometimes thought about Ithae. This morning he really behaved strangely. When I came out of the shower and was hurriedly preparing for work, he followed me around, and I asked if he had something to say. He only did this when we were at the peak of romance. Although this situation was already familiar and didn’t cause discomfort, there was some new feeling. Ithae hesitated for a long time, and then in the end closed his mouth.

Ah.

Maybe he wanted to say he wants to break up?

Well, yes, it’s not an easy topic to talk about. It’s time for Ithae to get on a new train too. If he’s been flirting for so long, it’s time to start dating. Of course, it was immoral flirting during a period when he has a partner.

When you fall in love, you lose your mind. It was the same with me. I lost my head and chose Ithae, throwing away everything I had. We knew each other for 7 years before we started dating. Although we didn’t just flirt all this time, in any case, I wanted Ithae to make a decision faster. Before I say it first.

My mood described a strange curve.

“Eh.”

Today was even worse than yesterday.

Maybe because I went to view apartments right after work, I returned home early. It seems the uncle from “Shine” really had good options. All the apartments I saw today were in worse condition than yesterday’s, but more expensive.

Moreover, none of them met the conditions I specified. I won’t contact them anymore. Everything has its limits. Although it would be right to look at even not very good options to know market prices, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I wasted time.

Only when going up home did I check my phone. There was nothing urgent, and if there was, they would have called me until the phone burned, so there wasn’t much to worry about. Besides, Ithae, who used to obsessively write messages, disappeared, so there was nothing to worry about. I wanted to fully dedicate time to viewing apartments, not past relationships.

…Huh?

When did he manage to write a message?

There was one message from Ithae. And quite early. I blinked in surprise. It was so unexpected that it even seemed fresh. He behaved strangely in the morning, maybe he really wanted to say something?

[When will you come?] Kwon Ithae 20:12