Fallen Magic

I just stand there and blink at him. He’s been watching me – how long – why – I know I wanted to talk to him, but I’m not ready –

“Hello, Edward,” I reply, my voice sounding a lot calmer than I feel.

“Working on Astronomy homework?”

He wants to talk about homework? Now? I want to just make him talk about what we really need to talk about, but I remember Electra’s advice and decide against it. Right. Homework it is. “Yes. I just finished making the observations we were asked to make.”

“I was working on them as well,” he says. I can’t see any of his things, though. Then again I wouldn’t put it past him to conceal them with another veil or ward if he deemed it necessary.

I almost flinch at that last thought. “How did you find them?”

“Not sufficiently complex to be interesting.”

That’s a very Edward way of putting it, but he’s not wrong. It was a mindless task. I appreciated that, in my current mood, but I think Edward would want something that actually interested him.

Stars, I don’t know if I can manage this awkward small talk for much longer. “How long have you been sitting there?” I ask. It’s reasonably neutral while also drawing closer to more important things.

“Longer than you.”

I think I would have noticed his arrival; I wasn’t sufficiently focused to lose track of my surroundings, and I don’t think he’s a good enough magician to manage something that could be described as true invisibility just yet. So it makes sense that he was here before I was. “Why were you hiding?” I risk next.

“Because I didn’t want to be seen.”

That doesn’t give me anything to work with. I wonder whether I should apologise for realising there was someone hidden, but I didn’t do anything wrong – not then, at least. Was he deliberately trying to attract my attention when he made that noise, or was it involuntary?

“Have you eaten?” I ask next. Still dancing around the topics he clearly doesn’t want to discuss, but at least checking whether he’s okay.

“Yes.”

“I didn’t see you at dinner.”

“I ordered a meal to be sent to my room.”

“…you can do that?”

He shrugs. “It’s a privilege traditionally given to the Academy’s noble-born students, along with private rooms. I have been strongly discouraged from using it too often, though.”

Of course he gets special privileges. It shouldn’t surprise me. But at least he’s eaten. At least he’s looking after himself. I laugh bitterly. He can look after himself, even when he’s suffering. Hadn’t he just survived a traumatic experience when we first met?

He doesn’t fall apart whenever a crisis comes along. Not like I do. He’s fine.

“Tallulah? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I choke out. “Just – of course you’re okay.”

“Of course I’m not,” he spits back immediately. “How could I be, after you – “

This is it, then. All my carefully laid plans for this conversation are distant memories. “Say it. Go on.”

He doesn’t say it. “Tallulah, I – “ He stops again. “You know she agreed to meet with Mildred?”

I nod. “She wouldn’t – choose Mildred over us. I know she wouldn’t.”

“Over you,” Edward corrects.

He’s not wrong. Elsie is my friend, not Edward’s. But it’s not to the extent he thinks. Can I tell him that Elsie avoiding him is related to her secret, or would that give him too much of a clue? It’s probably best not to, much as it hurts.

“That’s effectively the same thing,” I say instead. “Isn’t it?”

He doesn’t answer for a short while. My heart sinks. “I don’t know,” he says finally. “You tell me.”

“It is,” I say. “Of course it is. You know I would never – “

“And yet you’re keeping secrets from me.”

“It’s not my secret to share. I can’t keep your secrets and share Elsie’s. She deserves better than that.”

He grimaces. “I wouldn’t tell anyone.”

“Your father asked you to extract the information from me, didn’t he?”

Edward’s grim smile is enough of an answer. “I still wouldn’t tell him. Not unless it’s something obviously significant to national security.”

Such as, for instance, my friend secretly being an oracle. I consider trying to play a game of hypotheticals to find out if that is in fact covered, but it’s too late.

“…it is, isn’t it?”

I consider lying for a second, and then realise that that would be a terrible mistake and also that I’ve hesitated for too long. I let my silence answer.

“…dammit, Tallulah. You can’t let something like that stay secret.”

Not if I want to be his friend. Not if I want him to trust me.

This is my impossible choice, then.

No. No, it can’t be. I won’t let it be. There has to be some other way. There has to be a solution to the problem which doesn’t end with me betraying either Elsie or Edward.

“What if,” I say very carefully, “your father knowing about this would ruin Elsie’s life irreparably?”

He tenses. “I’m sorry, Tallulah. But – the country’s interests have to come above those of any individual.”

“Would you feel the same if it were my life at stake?”

This time he flinches. “That’s – why are we having this conversation in public?”

It’s an attempt at deflection, but it’s also a valid point. Even if I doubt anyone decided to follow one of us out here to listen to a conversation they didn’t even know would be happening. “Meeting room, then?”

“Meeting room,” Edward agrees. He produces his bag from a shadowy corner and we set off inside. And I can almost pretend things are normal between us.

Almost.

We don’t speak again until we’ve made it to the meeting room and Edward has chalked the usual set of privacy wards. Then he says slowly “If it were you… I’d do everything possible to find a way to get through it with your life intact and no threat to the country’s security.”

And he wouldn’t do that for Elsie. Because she doesn’t matter to him, not in the way I do. I have to choke down my anger at that thought. It’s not helpful here. “This isn’t Elsie’s fault,” I say carefully. “And… if it stayed secret, it wouldn’t ever be a threat to the country’s interests, or your father’s.”

“Tell me, and I can decide that for myself.”

“You don’t trust me to decide?”

“And you don’t trust me not to tell my father regardless.”

I don’t try to deny it. The silence hangs heavily in the air between us.

I think about telling him. Elsie is an oracle. I thought I’d be tempted, but I’m not. I think because he’s being so open about what he would do. I hoped before that he wouldn’t tell his father, that he could keep this secret for me and for Elsie, but he’s made it clear that isn’t the case.

“What,” he asks, “do we do now?”

I don’t know, Edward. “I can’t tell you,” I say. “I’m sorry, but I can’t. I would… I would appreciate it, and so would Elsie, if you tell your father that it’s not important.”

“You want me to lie to my father,” Edward says. “About something that could be important.”

“You’re the one who insisted on not telling him about what we can do.”

“That’s different.”

“Why?” I know the answer. I don’t know why I want to hear him say it.

“Because it’s the two of us,” he says, as I expected.

Because we’re worth more than Elsie. Because she doesn’t matter in the same way we do. I instinctively hate that way of viewing the world. And yet my best friend whole-heartedly believes it, and I don’t think I could persuade him that he’s wrong.

“Elsie matters to me,” I say instead.

“As much as I do?”

“I – that’s not a fair question.”

“Answer it.”

I want to refuse. It isn’t a question he has any right to ask. It isn’t a question anyone should have to answer. But the look in his eyes stops me; he needs to hear my answer. “No,” I whisper.

“If it came to a choice between the two of us…”

“Don’t let this come to that. Please. It doesn’t have to be that way.”

“What’s your alternative? I lie to my father, and then… what? That’s the end of it?”

That’s what I’d been hoping, but it sounds dangerously naïve coming from Edward’s sceptical mouth. “Yes,” I say nonetheless.

“And – even if it’s not a threat now, can you be certain it will never become one?”

Can I be certain that Elsie would never use her power against the interests of Lord Blackthorn and the country he serves? No. No, I can’t. I can’t even be certain that I would never act against those interests.

And what would happen to Edward and I, if that came to pass? Would he be the one forced to choose between me and his father?

“No,” I say slowly. “Not certain. But I doubt it would happen.”

“If you ever had reason to believe it was happening,” Edward says, “would you tell me?”

I close my eyes and imagine that conflict playing out. I don’t know what I’d do. So much depends on the exact circumstances. On whether Lord Blackthorn is on the right side of this conflict, whether Elsie is on the wrong side. On whether I can even tell the difference between right and wrong.

“If I thought it necessary, I would.” I’m not quite giving him what he wants, and he knows that. But I think he also knows it’s all he’s going to get.

I pray that it’s enough.

“I’m not sure that you and I have the same definition of necessary.”

I’m sure that we don’t. I say nothing.

Edward sighs. “Tallulah – “ His voice cracks a little. “I want to help you, but – “

“Please,” I say. “Please, Edward.”

He hesitates. “Don’t make me regret this. Please.”

“I won’t,” I say. “I promise I won’t.”

It’s a victory, but it doesn’t feel like one. Because I can see how conflicted he is. Because I think it’s clear to us both now: despite what I said earlier, our interests aren’t always going to be the same. We’ve both lost something subtle but precious today, and I don’t know if we can ever get it back.

“I’m sorry,” Edward says.

“For what?” I ask, thinking for a second that he’s about to go back on his promise.

“For not being able to give you what you want. For disappearing all day. For watching you from behind a veil.”

I shake my head. “Don’t be sorry for that. If that’s what you needed… how did you end up watching me, anyway?”

He shrugs. “I was in my room earlier. Working on some magical exercises, the usual. After I’d eaten I needed to get out, so I did my Astronomy homework. Only as I was working on it, I heard someone coming and I didn’t want to talk to anyone, so I cast a veil. I didn’t know it was you until it was too late to leave without being noticed.”

He doesn’t say that he wanted to avoid me in particular. I’m grateful for that, even though I know it was the case. “So you sat and watched me.”

“Yes. It was a good exercise in simultaneous casting, maintaining the veil and a warming spell together.” Because of course he was doing that rather than inflicting suffering on himself. And of course he cared about things like that even then. “I didn’t mean to make a noise when you were leaving. I shouldn’t have.”

“I’m glad you did,” I say.

“So am I. That’s what I’ve been doing today, then; what about you?”

“I talked to Electra,” I say. “She answered some of my questions.”

“About…” he says, his eyes lighting up with interest.

“Herself.” And I tell him the pieces of the Electra mystery that I’ve discovered.