Fallen Magic

Electra laughs. “I didn’t expect you to work it out so soon. If you’re going to tell Edward, I’d advise not doing it just yet.”

It takes me a second to realise why: if Edward is questioning whether he can trust me, then finding out that the whole reason we’re friends is because of Electra will not help my cause at all. “Why?” I ask.

“I thought it would help you both to have each other. It worked somewhat better than I was expecting.”

I imagine the last few months without Edward to help me get through them and know that she’s right. And then I remember that without Edward as my friend most of it wouldn’t have happened in the first place, and suddenly I’m angry at Electra.

Setting aside the part where it’s morally wrong to do that even for the good of the people you’re manipulating… becoming friends with Edward Blackthorn isn’t something you can just do without consequences. I didn’t know that at the time – stars, I didn’t even know who he was at first – but Electra did.

I wouldn’t change it if I had the chance, but knowing that it wasn’t just fate or happenstance that brought us together… no-one else has the right to make that sort of decision for me.

I look at the woman across the desk from me as if I’m seeing her for the first time. She’s helped me immeasurably. I don’t know if I could have made it this far without her. And she still has so much more to offer me. But.

The comparison to my mother that springs into my mind isn’t a fair one. My mother had an idea of what she wanted me to be and ignored the reality of what I was in her effort to shape me into a successful and well-connected young lawyer. Electra has never done that.

Unless she’s just far better at it than my mother could ever hope to be. It took me this long to see even this one fragment of what she’s really been doing. How do I know that she hasn’t been subtly influencing me all this time?

But then isn’t it the role of a teacher to influence their students? To guide them and help them? I don’t know where the line should be drawn, but I know Electra crossed it that first day. And I might be learning fast, but I still don’t have a hope of working out whether she’s been crossing it since.

“What do you want from me?” I ask.

“Nothing,” Electra replies immediately.

“I don’t believe you.”

“Why ask, then? If I hypothetically had a grand scheme which involved you which I had not already told you about, do you think asking would make me reveal it to you?”

No. No, I don’t. She’s right. It was a stupid question. So what’s a better one? “Is that the only time you’ve manipulated me?”

“That depends on how you’re defining manipulation.”

“I don’t want to play word games.”

She shakes her head. “It’s not a word game. It’s the essence of what you’re asking. For instance: you are currently planning how to manipulate Edward into continuing to trust you and be your friend.”

“I’m – “ I begin, but once again I find myself unable to deny her words. “That’s not – “

“Choosing your words and your actions to create the impression you want, to cause other people to act and feel the way you want. That’s what you’re doing, isn’t it? It’s what everyone does. I’m just more aware of it than most, and better at it than most.”

I never thought I’d find myself hating how reasonable Electra sounds. But then, she can sound reasonable when she wants to, can’t she? I don’t know what to think. I’m second-guessing everything.

I feel suddenly alone.

And I’m not going to sit here with this woman any longer. Not when my friend needs me. I get to my feet. “I am going to find Edward,” I say.

“Are you sure that is wise?”

No. But it’s what I need to do. “Yes.”

“Then go,” says Electra, “and good luck.” She sounds like she means it. I’m not sure that means much, when it comes to her.

So I go.

I was right earlier: Edward can be hard to find when he wants to be. I check all our usual haunts and don’t see him. Eventually I make it as far as the library, where I’m relieved to see Rosie on duty. She grimaces as she sees me approaching, though.

“Tallulah. Looking for Edward, I suppose?”

“I am, yes. Do you – “

“He asked me not to tell you.”

I flinch.

“I’m sorry.”

There’s an air of finality to those words. I can’t persuade her to tell me. “Did he – leave a message? Did he say anything else? Was he okay?”

“I don’t think he was okay, no. It was… he reminded me of his father preparing for a crisis.”

“What… sort of crisis?”

“He made it sound as if you had betrayed him.” She pauses, and then asks: “Have you?”

Her voice is mild, deceptively mild, and her gaze is more intense than I’ve seen it before. I’ve never thought of her as scary before now, but I’m reminded suddenly that she is, after all, a Blackthorn. And the Blackthorns take care of their own.

“No,” I say. “I haven’t.”

“Was he misinformed? I don’t think – “

I grimace. “I… kept – am keeping – a secret from him. It’s not something that should concern him, but if he became aware of it – “

“I see,” Rosie says coldly.

“It’s not something I can tell him, but – I’d never betray him. You know that, don’t you?” I hate the pleading note in my voice.

“He needs complete loyalty,” is all Rosie says.

And I can’t give it to him, is the subtext there. I’m not convinced she’s wrong, either. Isn’t this whole affair proof of exactly that?

I pause, thinking. Trying to decide my next move. I don’t think I can find Edward if he doesn’t want to be found. Even if I knew exactly where he was… if he’s just gone home a few days early, I do not have a hope of getting into Blackthorn Manor uninvited.

“If you see him,” I say, “if he asks… tell him that I haven’t betrayed him. That I’m – “ sorry, I want to say, but I’m not really. I’m not doing anything wrong by keeping Elsie’s secret. Not according to my own definition of what’s wrong, anyway.

“That I’m still his friend,” I continue instead. “Always will be. And… I want to talk to him.”

Rosie nods. “I can do that.”

And then… nothing. I don’t know what to do. Edward is hiding from me. I’m not going back to Electra. I don’t dare experiment with my newly discovered powers alone. Elsie has left. Robin is caught up in magical theory and Elizabeth in searching for a place to stay. Hannah, Aisha and Lucy are all home for the holidays as well.

I used to think I was self-sufficient. That I didn’t need the company of others. I used to be able to work or rest alone. Or maybe that was just another lie I told myself back when I was at Genford.

I did it once, though. I can do it again. I just need… I need a purpose. A project. Something to keep my mind occupied so it doesn’t dwell on everything that’s brought me to this point. So much has changed in the last few days and months, and yet in other ways nothing at all has changed.

I’m missing the structure of lessons, as well. Even on the worst of days this term I’ve had to drag myself out of bed and learn magic. Now I don’t have even that routine obligation.

I find an empty study room and start working through my holiday homework. There isn’t much of it from most of our teachers; they want us to enjoy Holy Days and aren’t going to burden us with work in a time that’s meant to be for contemplation and celebration.

I’m halfway through a fiddly Magical Theory calculation when I glance at the time and realise that I should probably eat lunch. It’s an effort to make myself do it. Eating on my own feels instinctively wrong now, even though I used to do it all the time at Genford.

I don’t eat alone, technically. Robin is present, even if her mind is elsewhere. The first thing she asks me is whether I’ve seen Edward; she’s had some sort of breakthrough with the magical theory thing she’s working on and is excited to share it with him. I have to explain that no, I haven’t seen him for a couple of hours. The last time I saw him was when his father took him away for a conversation.

Robin grimaces. “I bet he’s doing some special secret Blackthorn thing.”

I do my best to look sympathetic and pretend that’s the only possibility. “I’m sure he’ll be back soon.”

I hope he’ll be back soon. I eat quickly and return to the study room. It’s easier than I thought it would be to lose myself in work. I finish Magical Theory, Enchantments and Spells over the course of the afternoon, not bothering to take breaks. Good progress.

Still no Edward at dinner, though I stay for the full hour the dining hall is open. Robin and Elizabeth both join me, but there isn’t much conversation. They’re both too caught up in their own problems to notice mine. I think Elsie would notice if she were here, but she’s not.

In a way, I’m relieved. This isn’t a problem I can share with anyone.

I wonder what Edward is eating. Is he at home being treated to his family chef’s flawless cooking? Is he tucked away in his room with a stash of siege rations he always keeps there? Or is he just… not eating at all? Stars, I hope that’s wrong. But it wouldn’t shock me if I were right.

Maybe I should look for him. Just… sit outside his door and refuse to move until he talks to me? Would that work? It might, or it might make things worse. I should wait until he’s ready, but how long will that take? What if it’s not until after I’ve gone home?

I return to studying. Alchemy is done, it doesn’t take long, and then I decide it’s dark enough that I can work on the practical component of Astronomy. I wrap myself in my coat, gather my things, and set off outside.

I don’t bother going far. I just sit on the steps and stare up at the stars. Wonder if they’re watching me back. I can no longer deny that I’m someone they might take an interest in, if they take interest in mortal affairs at all. Do they know the truth about my powers? Do they know how horribly empty I’m feeling right now? Do they care?

My hands move without conscious thought, sketching out the patterns of the constellations as our assignment says I must. Not all of the Holy Day constellations have appeared in the sky yet, but the Ship is clearly visible, and the Bird. My constellation, the one I was born under. I’ve never felt a particular attachment to it, though a lot of people do find meaning in their birth-stars.

Are the constellations real in some cosmic sense, or are they just patterns people defined long ago in an attempt to bring meaning and order to the chaos of the sky? I wish that I could believe in the way Elsie does, even in the way Mildred does. That I could take comfort in the knowledge that all of this is for some higher purpose.

I can’t, so I just finish my sketches. It’s a struggle towards the end, my hands beginning to turn numb with cold. I know warming spells now, but I don’t cast one. There’s something almost refreshing about the sharp clarity of the cold. I know that denying myself comfort isn’t going to help anything, but it feels right.

My fingers obey my orders well enough to plot the last few stars, and then I pack my things away and stand to go. And I hear a muffled noise: someone crying out? I tense. It’s quiet, but I don’t think it’s coming from far away. “Is anyone there?” I call. I set my bag down and cup my hands together to hold a light-spell.

The magic comes easily, to my surprise. I turn around, letting the light spread out across the gardens, hoping it’ll illuminate something. It doesn’t.

Which is what helps me notice it. There’s a certain way it plays out across the darkness, a certain way the pattern of light and shadow fits together. Except in one place: the corner of the steps, just a couple of metres away from where I was sitting, where the darkness remains stubbornly dark no matter how I shine the light.

I know enough of wards and illusions to realise the implications of that. Someone has laid a veil or a concealment ward over that location. Why? Have they been watching me? What do they want? Am I in danger?

Before I have time to work out my next move, the spell falls away, revealing a small boy about my age in scarlet magician’s robes sitting there, staring out into the darkness and hugging his knees. Slowly, he turns to face me.

“Hello, Tallulah,” says Edward.