Euphemistically Yours

The next two days were about the same as the first. I’d choose a campsite each night. We’d eat from my dwindling provisions, then we’d sleep on the ground under the stars. Of course, she’d rise each night shortly after lying down to do her standard magic ritual.

I had a small tent, but unless it was raining like the first night, it wasn’t worth putting it up and taking it down. Instead, it served as padding underneath me when resting. For Eu, each night, I’d cut down some grass to serve as hay. She was smaller and lighter, so it was good enough.

The carrots ran out on the first morning. In fact, I overheard Eu while she was stuffing them into Honey’s bottomless maw. “Honey mouth Deft! Honey is good horse! Honey is smart horse! Hahaha!”

"Are you rewarding Honey for biting me?"

At this, her instructions became quieter. Instead, she spent her time whispering her wicked exhortations into Honey's ear.

Speaking of which, she was learning words at a colossal rate. In fact, she started demonstrating experience with grammar and syntax in ways that I’d never even considered. She would say sentences backwards and try putting words together in weird ways. For example, “carrot grass” was indeed an accurate way to describe the green leaves at the top of a carrot. “Carrot boot” was not so evocative, but that was her description for her wooden shoes.

Clearly, she had her own language before. If you could call it that. When she offered her own words for things, it sounded like a bunch of pops, clicks, cracks, and scraping rocks. I couldn’t even distinguish where the words started and ended.

On the third day, she managed to ask me what my name meant. Unfortunately, deftness wasn’t easy to explain without more abstract helper words. I tried showing her a complicated dance and waving my hands around, but it only left her mystified.

After that she started asking me the hard questions. For example, she wanted to know why her full name was such a problem. I wasn’t about to explain perverse imagery to a child her age. Even if I had such a depraved character, where would I even start?

In the end, I just shook my head and waved my hands uselessly, “Bad!”

“Bad? Honey bite Deft bad?”

I shook my head. I didn’t have any way to explain symbolic concepts. Instead, I fell back on simple repetition and emphasis to try to get across the idea. “BAD bad!”

That didn’t work. I could see her eyebrows drawing together in confusion. “Honey bite Deft bad?”

That’s an idea! Absurdity for the win! “Carrot bite Eu bad! BAD bad!”

“Oh! BAD! Bad BAD bad bad?”

She still looked unconvinced, but I supposed I’d gotten the point across. Someday, maybe I’d be able to spell out the nature of the problem. On the other hand, I didn’t want anything to do with it. By then she might hear the words of her name used in context. This wasn’t my issue to solve!

Luckily, she moved on to the next question. “Not grass. Not tree. What?”

Since she was pointing ahead down the road, my eyes followed the line of her finger to note the outer wall of a town in the distance.

“Oh, finally. That’s the town of Winnowheat.”

“Town? Winnowheat?”

“Town is … what it is. Name is Winnowheat.”

As we got closer, the wall became more obvious, as well as some of the outlying buildings. Beyond, I could see the taller wooden walls of the local earl’s fortress. Eu didn’t ask for more clarifications, so the idea seemed to be self-explanatory.

For my part, I felt a grin rising to my face. The Duke’s Seneschal had given me some coins for lodgings and food during my trip. Tonight, we’d stay at the same inn that I’d visited on the way out. I could ask for lodging with the Earl, but that would take longer and he’d surely ask questions.

In any case, the thought of a fresh cooked meal and a bed were calling out to me. Honey also had a jaunt to her steps. She probably remembered the stables. For her, that meant fresh hay and new treats. It also meant spending some time with some other horses. After all, horses get lonely.

Unfortunately, this was also a moment that I was dreading. As a squire, I couldn’t be seen leading my horse into town with my proper seat taken by a peasant girl. We’d need to switch. I pulled on the reins for Honey to stop and then lifted Eu down out of the saddle.

“Town. Deft on Honey. Eu on feet.”

“Ehhh?”

I tapped my armor, “I’m a squire of the Duke. Honey is my horse.”

She gave me a smirk, “Deft bad. Deft sorry. Sorry sorry Deft.”

“Are you calling me sorry?”

“Eu on feet. Sorry Deft on Honey. Sorry sorry Deft.”

I sighed aloud, but by this point, I didn’t care. When I mounted up, Eu took the reins as if she was the one leading me into town. When I grabbed the reins back, she giggled. Honey nickered along with her.

When we got closer, I saw that there was a soldier watching the gate. He’d probably seen us switch positions out on the road, but I just glared at him, daring him to mention it. In the meantime, Eu had turned the situation into a song, “Bad sorry Deft! Bad sorry Deft! Deft carrot water, sorry Deft!”

Once we were through the gates, the streets were more populated. Her song continued and eyes started drifting my way. “Can’t you be quiet? I’m not sorry! I’m not carrot water either!”

“Not-sorry Deft! Not-sorry Deft! Deft carrot boot not-sorry Deft!”

I rolled my eyes, but she was definitely getting to me. How could she be so frustrating using so few words? Luckily, the inn was near to the gate, so I hopped off at my first opportunity and passed the reins to the waiting stablehand. It didn’t help that he was smiling brightly at her stupid song.

When I laid my hand on top of her head, the song stopped. Perhaps her skull bent a little under the pressure of my fingers. Perhaps she could see the blood in my eyes. Perhaps she realized that Honey wasn’t here anymore to back her up.

She looked down at her shoes, “Eu bad. Eu sorry.”

“Eu sorry? That means you won't do it again? Good! Let’s go inside.”

The interior was a small room, tight with the bodies of road merchants and pilgrims. There were a few tables, but most of the interior was reserved as a common sleeping area for guests. The better rooms with beds were at the back.

I’d been here just a few days ago, so the innkeep recognized me. I recognized him too since we’d shared a few war stories last time. He was an old soldier with a bald pate and an eyepatch.

Last time, I’d rented a private room, which meant wealth, so he moved quickly to the front of the hall to greet me. “Welcome back again to the Boar’s Bedding! You'll have dinner and a room? The stew’s fresh since yesterday and it comes with a side of barley-bread.”

“Can I get the same room as last time?”

“Yes. It’s open.”

“All right. Dinner then for me and the girl there.” I handed over the coins to pay.

“Girl?” His hand froze before taking the coins. Instead, he peered down at Eu and I suddenly realized that I wasn’t thinking straight. She was still wearing pants! With her small frame and short hair, you really couldn’t tell the difference.

“Boy. She’s a boy. I mean… he’s a boy.”

Obviously, I’d blundered that one too. The innkeep folded his arms and gave me his worst scowl. I could see the suspicion hardening in his eyes. “Will this ‘boy’ be staying in the same room as you?”

A few of the nearby travelers raised their eyes to observe the discussion. Obviously, I didn’t need the extra attention! Furthermore, from the innkeeper's expression, I’d fallen from the enviable position of a degenerate scoundrel to the absolute bottom rung of humanity. He was probably weighing whether to call for the town guard.

It was time to pull out the lies, and if you have to lie, lie big!

To start, I leaned in close to him so only he could hear my whispers. “You KNOW me! You can see the colors I’m wearing! I serve the Duke! Look at her. It’s a disguise! See that hair? It’s black as night, right? She’s a captive princess taken from the Plainsmen. We’ve been holding her for ransom and she’s on the way to the exchange.”

“Oh! I see! Of course!” He nodded in agreement, instantly switching his stance. “Should I bring your meal back to your room?”

“No. It’s fine. She’s too small and weak to run off. We won’t cause any trouble.”

In the meantime, Eu was watching our exchange, but we were talking too quickly and quietly for her to follow any of it. Even so, I could see her wrinkling her nose. She could tell that I was up to something dodgy.