Euphemistically Yours

Before we set off again, I gave Euphemism the bandages from my pack and explained with hand motions where they were supposed to go. She wasn’t my own daughter, so there was no way I could apply them myself. Instead she snuck off into the woods to handle it while I brushed Honey down and checked over our gear.

The rest of the day fell into an easy routine. I’d put her on top of Honey, then lead the way through the rain. Each time we were completely soaked by the endless rain, we would take a rest, she would “fwoof” herself, then we’d repeat the process.

Every single time, she’d offer to “fwoof” me and Honey as well, but until I understood it better, I opted for the better part of valor. From what I could tell, her magic seemed to blow the water and dust out of her hair and clothing. Convenient, I suppose, but pointless overall. If I had magic, I’d be disappointed if that’s all it could do!

The skies were dreary and depressing. The road was empty except for ourselves. Eventually, I tried to start up a conversation. The problem was that Euphemism only knew a few words, so there wasn’t much to talk about. On the other hand, there were so many things I wanted to know.

I supposed I’d start back at the beginning. While walking beside her on the horse, I pointed to myself, “Name Deft.”

“Deft.” She nodded. She mangled the pronunciation, but I didn’t mind. She had the idea.

I pointed at Honey, “Name Honey.”

“Honey.”

I pointed at her, “Name Eu?”

“Name EUPHEMISM!”

It was the same collection of shameful words. On the plus side, we were alone on the road, so she wouldn’t be tainting the ears of the innocent. I pointed at her again. “Name Eu?”

“NO! NO! NO! Name EUPHEMISM!”

I shook my head. “No. EUPH bad. HEM bad. ISM bad.” Of course, I used the actual words she was saying, not the replacements. My lips trembled, my tongue burned, but I had to demonstrate that I could indeed say her name… if only in parts.

“EUPHEMISM bad?”

“Bad! BAD bad!” I looked her in the eye for emphasis.

“Bad? Sorry? Bad? No?”

Maybe she didn’t understand what “sorry” meant after all?

“Eu is all right. EUPH is bad.”

“Name Euphemism.” She paused. “Deft name Eu. Bad sorry Deft sorry name!”

I wasn’t sure what all that implied, so I asked for confirmation. “Name Eu?”

She grumbled at me, “Name Eu.”

Progress! Maybe I could teach her a few more words while I was at it?

I started by pointing at various obvious objects and naming them. Grass was easy enough, because I could pluck it up and show it to her. Rain and water were more difficult to distinguish, but I think I got across the idea by using hand gestures. It helped that I had my water skin to demonstrate. Sadly, I couldn’t figure out how to communicate the difference between sky and clouds. After all, the sky was completely overcast.

In the end, there wasn’t much to work with until I started pointing at body parts and naming those. Foot, leg, arm, hand, fingers, nose, eyes, mouth.

She picked up each new word quickly and started combining concepts. “Honey mouth grass?”

“Yes. Honey eats grass.”

“Honey mouth Deft? Honey mouth Eu?”

“No. Honey doesn’t bite. At least, not normally.”

After that, we started working on my gear and articles of clothing. My sword, my helmet, my hauberk, my cape. Unfortunately, this reminded her of another controversial topic. “Skirt bad! BAD bad!”

Obviously, I had to pick my battles, but I didn’t want to agree with her, so I just shrugged. Her insistence upon immoral clothing could be addressed later. In fact, if I had to, I could introduce her to the Duke as if she was a boy. If all else failed, I could claim ignorance.

“Pants is-all-right?” she asked. She’d even picked up some new words from our conversation. On the other hand, she ran the new phrase together as if it was all one word.

Unfortunately, if I agreed with her, I’d be lying. Wasn’t there some middle ground? I decided to circumvent the conflict by using an alternative expression. “Pants … is not all right.”

She glared at me, “Pants NO is-all-right? Name EUPHEMISM!”

Oh, high heavens! Was she blackmailing me? Apparently, I had to pick one or the other?

“Name Eu?” I suggested.

“Skirt bad!” She replied.

I paused for a long time, putting one foot in front of the other as we continued along the road. This wasn’t a valid long-term choice. I’d have to introduce her in front of the Duke. Which was worse? Her name or her pants? In the end, I conceded. I hadn’t put the pants on her, so I wouldn’t be blamed. Well… I would. But, it was still better than letting her spout profanity in the throne room.

“Name Eu. Skirt bad … for now …”

“FOR-NOW?” She parroted my added words back to me. She was taller than me up on top of the saddle and she was even leaning over me as if to enforce her will. If she’d been one of my own daughters, I would have pulled her down and given her a good scolding.

“Skirt bad ... for now,” I repeated myself.

“Pants is-all-right?” She asked for confirmation.

“Pants is all right … for now.”

She gave out a big harrumph and then looked away.

I gazed up at the afternoon sun peeking through the falling rain, “Five more days of this? Today isn’t even done!”

Honey nickered at me. I guess she thought this was my punishment for some unknown slight.

“Carrot Honey!” Eu pointed a finger at me.

“What?” I looked back up toward her. Apparently, she’d learned the word “carrot” from the discussion this morning. On the other hand, now she was using it as a verb.

“Carrot Honey!”

“Is that a command?”

“Carrot Honey!”

“No! I’ll let you carrot Honey later when we take a break.”

Eu sighed at me as if I was stupid.

Unfortunately for me, she was right. Honey is a very smart horse. Honey understood exactly what had just been offered and then denied. Now, by Honey’s calculations, punishment was due.

“Owww!” I cried out.

“Honey mouth Deft! Hahaha! Bad Deft! Mouth Mouth MOUTH!”

“Owww!”