Elden Ring: Miquella's Consort

Miquella :"Come on, love, it's go big or go home!"

Alistair :"You seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. It's like my only goal."

--------------------------

"Ah, home sweet home." Alistair took a deep breath of awful air as he appeared in the Stranded Graveyard Site of Grace :"Wait, no, they're not the right words... sweet nostalgia? Eh, whatever."

"(So what we are looking for us past this sealed path?)" Miquella, laying on his stomach in his consciousness, hummed thoughtfully :"(I was wondering why there was an imp statue seal here.)"

"Yeah, what we need is here. Honestly, I love this place. There are so many awesome things here despite it being the first dungeon we see! The best Sacred Seal, a Golden Seed, one of the best Spirit Ashes, and one hell of a talisman! Actually, even if not for the other things, I was going to come here for the talisman one way or another."

"(Oh, then we are lucky that it's so easy to reach this place.)"

"Yeah, but it can be annoying if you don't know the right way for this dungeon though. But no need to worry, because I'm an expert on this place!"

"(Hahaha you really do seem to like this dungeon. Then I'll let you focus on clearing it. But before that... umm... Alistair? I don't wish to alarm you, but... there's something new in here, that didn't exist previously.)"

"Hm? What happened?"

"(This... thing has appeared in your mind. I don't know what it is. I have never seen anything like it. It's big, rectangular, black and I can see reflections off of it. It's sitting on top of a table and there is another smaller black box in its opening.)"

"Wait, what?!" That description was too close to something Alistair knew way too well. He sat next to the Site of Grace and closed his eyes. In his river of consciousness, while Miquella was laying on a bed and looking at the unfamiliar picture, Alistair suddenly appeared beside him. Making him jump :"A-Alistair?! How did you come here?!"

"Miq, it's kinda my mind, in case you forgot. It's just a trick I learned while bored. Anyway, what did you say appeared- oh, my god..."

His mouth fell wide open. A bit away from the bed, there was a large TV with his dear, beloved PS4 in the opening of the table, with two controllers on top of it. He recognized them instantly. He was so used to their appearances, after all. And he felt so much nostalgia and happiness that he nearly cried. The shock of how they were there was completely gone.

But before he could shed a manly tear from getting his good old pal back, Miquella turned to him :"Do you know what these objects are?"

"Miquella, my love, these aren't just objects." He grinned, voice high in pitch as he gently slapped his expensive TV :"These are absolute treasures!"

-

"I see. So these devices were used to play your games." Miquella hummed in interest, hand under his chin :"Can I see how it works?"

"I was waiting for you to ask!" Alistair grinned excitedly, making Miquella smile as he opened both of them. He had never seen him so excited before. He was grinning like a little child who had received the gift he had wanted for so long.

He looked at the TV as his consort propped down next to him on the bed, waiting in anticipation. But as the TV and PS4 opened, Alistair froze. Nothing was wrong with either devices. No, opposite of that, actually. There were just several options on the screen.

[YouTube, Instagram, Sega, PS1, PS2, PS3, PS4, PS5]

"Alistair? What's the matter?" Miquella frowned, but was startled by him suddenly closing his eyes with a pleased smile, as if he just passed on with happiness in his final moments :"A-Alistair?! Alistair, what happened?!"

"Paradise, Miquella. Paradise just happened." He smiled, voice growing high in pitch again before he turned to the golden femboy with the biggest smile he had ever seen from the noiret :"Okay, look, let me deal with this dungeon real quick, then I'll come back and explain everything here, alright?! It won't take long, I promise!"

"O-okay, okay. It's alright, love, just relax." He tried to calm him down, but Alistair was a man on a mission, with eyes burning with determination :"Relaxing isn't an option right now, Miquella! I'll come back in a few minutes! Just don't touch anything for now, alright? I'll be back in a second! Okay, bye!"

And he disappeared, leaving Miquella speechless. Chuckling, he shook his head in amusement :'My, oh my, look at how excited my adorable consort is.'

Outside, his eyes shot open, burning bright as he got up and used the two Stonesword Keys he had to open the imp statue seal. As the fog sealing the path disappeared, he rushed in and jumped as far as he could.

He didn't care about the poison building up as he fell into the small poison swamp. He simply ran like his life depended on it before stepping onto dried land again. But the only thing to greet him was the good old Chariot he was so familiar with ready to slaughter him. It stopped several meters away from him, however, before turning around and driving down the other path.

"(...We definitely don't want to get hit by that. It will NOT be pretty.)"

"Ohh, no need to worry. I've finished this place so many times that I've mastered its patterns."

Stretching, he stored his weapons before waiting for it to arrive again. When it did and turned again, he quickly ran after it with all his might. Remembering to take the Poisonbone Darts from the corpse in the way. It had become a ritual for him to finish this dungeon, get his beloved Sacred Seal in it, and definitely take the Poisonbone Darts as well whenever he started a new game.

He ran past the first opening that would guard him against the Chariot and aimed for the second one. And just like always, he managed to get in mere moments before the slaughter device went past him.

"(That was way too close for comfort...)" He snickered at Miquella's anxious voice. But he didn't worry at all. After all, he had memorized this place. And just like how he remembered, a spectral Exile Soldier appeared out of thin air. But his curved swords were already out to kill him. It went down in a few quick slashes.

[Exile Set

Smithing Stone [1] x1

Stormhawk Feather x1

Smoldering Butterfly x1

Mushroom x1]

When the Chariot went down again, he ran after it. Readying his blades, he jumped into the last opening as the Chariot was turning and killed another spectral Exile Soldier that appeared. It's buddy, unfortunately, got mauled by the Chariot while trying to get to him.

[Soldier's Crossbow]

Waiting for the Chariot to reach the end he was at again, he jumped down the opening to the lower path just as it turned to go up. Then he ran just like how his life literally depended on it. It was a trick he had learned accidentally.

Normally, he would need to clear the entire dungeon to be freed from the Chariot's pursuit. But taking the little shortcut would cause the damn thing to get confused and not immediately chase after him.

He ran as fast as he could, not even daring to look past as he ran with all he had. Nothing was as scary as getting chased by a Chariot in a dungeon, after all. It was true horror. He didn't even spare the spectral enemies that appeared a glance as he ran past them.

He simply heard an arrow hit the wall as he ran even harder before slowing down just as he nearly hit the wall. His heart beating rapidly, especially since had started hearing the sound of the Chariot's wheels from a few seconds ago.

The Exile Soldier with the sword and shield ran after him, but Alistair smirked as the health bar of the archers below suddenly disappeared in yellow before the one coming for him was ran over as well. It stopped just mere meters away from him before turning and going down again.

"You were right..." He panted a bit, trying to calm his heart :"That is not a pretty sight." Taking out his swords again, he walked into the small field with a spectral Banished Knight kneeling on the ground.

It stood up at his arrival, but Alistair quickly started his assault. The damn thing was pretty annoying in lower levels, but with just a bit of nimbleness and careful attacks, it was manageable.

It struck its giant shield towards him, but he dodged before attacking. Banished Knights always had an annoyingly high poise however, so he couldn't stun lock it. He could only dodge as it attacked with its greatsword twice before he took his chances.

His damage wasn't that high, but considering how it was only NG+0, it was more than enough to take it down after a few hits. As it fell and disappeared, Alistair's grin was wide and proud at the drops he acquired.

[Dragon Communion Seal

Banished Knight Set

Banished Knight's Greatsword

Banished Knight's Shield

Dragonwound Grease]

"Hehehehehe Dragon Communion Seal, my baby!" He took out the red, beautiful Sacred Seal to hug it like the treasure that it was. It was his favorite Sacred Seal, after all.

"(Oh? So that's the Sacred Seal you were talking about so favorably?)"

"Yup! This is my precious baby! Honestly, it's just so damn cool! Not only does it scale primarily with Arcane rather than Faith like the other Sacred Seals, making it extremely compatible with Bleed builds, it works amazingly with Dragon Communion Incantations and it can have the second highest Incant Scaling among them all!

At Lv 10 with max Faith and Arcane, it has 415 Incant Scaling! Falling only below the Golden Order Seal, which has an Incant Scaling of 418 at Lv 10! But since Intelligence/Arcane build is literally trash, that one is just useless. Making this the best Sacred Seal there is! Even if not for that, just look at how easy and quick it is to get it! And it boosts my second favorite incantations on top of that!"

Miquella could only chuckle in his mind at his enthusiasm :"(Then I'm glad that it was so easy to get it. I'll have to try its usefulness by myself later on. But for now, can we please be done with this dungeon already? The sound of that Chariot outside is giving me anxiety.)"

"Yeah, you've got a point." He shivered at the disgusting sounds. Stories everything again, he walked out and got ready to run after it again. After some more running, hiding from the Chariot and avoiding the spectral enemies, he was finally in front of the boss chamber guarded by a yellow and black fog.

"Whew! I've never liked that part!" He exhaled deeply. Pushing his hair back, he downed his Flask of Wondrous Physics and took out his weapons :"Alright, time for my favorite type of bosses." His voice dripped with sarcasm as he entered to see a humongous Ulcerated Tree Spirit :"A fucking Ulcerated Tree Spirit..."

(A/N: Elden Ring drop rate is sexist, bro lol. Since I finished the game completely with a male Tarnished, I thought I would try it with a female one. So after literally watching a tutorial to make my character as pretty as I could (Alicia, as a soul piece of Ali, after Alistair, HAS to look amazing like all his male soul pieces), I start the game.

So I go to get some Sacred Tears, and when I go to the Church of Pilgrimage, where the Bandit's Curved Sword also drops, albeit with a 1.5% chance. I was NOT going to farm for it since I'm running a Faith/Arcane build.

But I killed one for nostalgia and I thought :"It would be so funny if it just dropped one of the swords and I would just HAVE to farm the other lol-" Then a blue light appeared from it :"Oh, it's definitely one of those bitch ass Human Bone Shard that get your hopes up-... motherfucker..."

Yes, first try. So I just HAD to farm the other for moralities sake. Guess how long that took? Less than five tries. I didn't even know how I should feel lol, but I just went with feeling happy instead.)