Elden Ring: Miquella's Consort

(A/N: No Vigor run deaths update:

Tree Sentinel: 28 (Time: 50m/Weapon: Club+0)

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Margit, the Fell Omen: 4 (Time: 10m/Weapon: Club+3)

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Godrick the Grafted: 1 (Time: 5m/Weapon: Heavy Infusion Club+6)

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Red Wolf of Radagon: 1 (Time: 1m/Weapon: Heavy Infusion Club+24) (Took three hits lol)

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Rennala, Queen of the Full Moon: 0 (Time: 1m/Weapon: Heavy Infusion Club+24) (Took three hits in each phase lol)

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Draconic Tree Sentinel: 10 (Time: 13m/Weapon: Heavy Infusion Club+24)

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Godfrey, First Elden Lord: 1 (Time: 4m/Weapon: Heavy Infusion Club+24)

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Morgott, the Omen King: 6 (Time: 15m/Weapon: Heavy Infusion Club+24)

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(A/N: Let's make a list of what is our favorite weapon/attack in each field! I genuinely wanna know what other people enjoy. I'll go first:

Cheese: Blasphemous Blade

Playthrough: Twin Magma Blades

Fun: Dragon King's Cragblade

Personal Enjoyment: Rotten Breath

Meme: Greatsword of Damnation

Walking into Enir-Ilim, equipping the Greatsword of Damnation, summoning Mimic Tear, the absolutely mutilating NPCs we fight against with its grab attack was fucking hilarious!)

Miquella :"Things are getting pretty heated between Alistair and I."

Maliketh :"Again?"

Miquella :"The other day he told me I looked good, and we made eye contact."

Maliketh :"Wow, I hope you were using protection."

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There he saw his beloved. Standing there, looking oh so gorgeous talking with a Tarnished. The curves on that body nearly made him swoon. He could see every single reason why everybody loved that thang. He would simp for that person any second of the day, any day of the week as well.

'Oh, Hewg, my beloved.' He smiled to himself. The master artisan was at his craft like always, hammering another weapon as the Tarnished left satisfied with his newly strengthened weapon. Oh, that prostitute in the next room, Fia, didn't look half bad either, he supposed. Unfortunately, however, he was no simp. He had enough self respect to not simp for a literal prostitute.

"Hello there. Are you the blacksmith here?" He smiled at the Misbegotten blacksmith, who only glanced at him before returning to hammering :"You're a new face. No matter, it's all the same. Lay out your arms. Let's get smithing."

Alistair nodded and took out his mightiest weapon. The Club. The mightiest weapon of them all. Good damage, fast, good poise damage, light, and infusible. What more could be asked?

He had bought it from the merchant close by the cliff they had jumped down quite a while ago at the First Step Site of Grace. He had also bought a Shortbow with it and three Smithing Stones [1]. 600 runes, 600 runes and 200 runes for each respectively. 1,800 runes in total. Smithing Stones which he took out a few of with his almighty weapon.

[Runes: 2,139 -> 339]

Hewg raised an eyebrow at him, but seeing that he wasn't joking, nodded :"Upgrading it to +1 takes 2 Smithing Stone 1s and 230 runes. +2 takes 4 Smithing Stone 1s and 274 runes. +3 takes 6 Smithing Stone 1s and 322 runes. 826 runes and 12 Smithing Stone 1s in total. Payment upfront. That's the most upgrades you can get with the materials you have at hand."

"Oh, alright. Just give me a second." Being short on runes, he took out three Golden Rune 1s and broke them, absorbing the 200 runes in each one. With the road being as long as it was, he also found quite a lot of things in the road. They were basically like pennies on the road.

[Runes: 339 -> 939]

He raised his hand and an energy started to leave him, focusing on his palm before the runes turned into a new Golden Rune. Alistair found the method of payment interesting, but also understood the reason. What was the currency going to be? Flying sparks of dust?

[Runes: 939 -> 113]

Hewg took it when he handed it to him and inspected the Golden Rune :"Hmm, alright. Come back in an hour or so and it will be ready."

"Alright, thanks." Alistair smiled before he noticed the long chain attached to his leg and binding him to the wall :"About the chains on your leg..."

Hewg was listening, but his focus didn't leave the weapon he was working on :"I see you've noticed the chains. Nothing special. I'm a prisoner, and these are my chains. I'm trapped by the Hold, undying, smithing for you fools. That's all there is to it."

"You're a prisoner?"

"Nah, don't read too much into it. I've no grudge against you. My being a prisoner is no fault of yours. Besides, I don't mind smithing. Despite my differences, the weapons get stronger, all the same. Given time, technique never fails. Besides, it helps me forget. The sheer terror of her..."

He shivered at just the thought, But didn't continue. Alistair nodded before smiling :"Alright then, I'll see you in a bit, mister Hewg."

Hewg scoffed a chuckle as he walked away :'I didn't expect to see a brat as a Tarnished. Oh well, at least he doesn't act like those other arrogant bastards.'

As he walked around, checking out the place, he chatted with Miquella who was patiently waiting in his mind until he was summoned.

"(That was surprising. I did not expect to see a Misbegotten in here, among the Tarnished ones of all people.)"

"It's Queen Marika's doing. The Roundtable Hold is a subspace, existing outside of the Lands Between. I don't know who made it, but I think it's most likely Queen Marika. It also explains why Hewg is imprisoned here, since I don't think any Tarnished would just imprison a random Misbegotten to become a blacksmith.

Anyway, whether or not she imprisoned him, she gave him the task of smithing a weapon which could slay a god. And that's what he does. Day and night, he smithes weapons for the Tarnished ones in hopes of making a god slaying weapon to complete his task."

"(Queen Marika actually helping somebody? Now that's just new. But I guess she must have been very desperate, because there was no way she would do something like this without an equal exchange. And there's barely anything which could be considered a payment for receiving a subspace.)"

"Surprising, right? It is pretty cool, right? Heh, finding the real Roundtable Hold in Leyndell for the first time was so exciting back then. I'm definitely going to visit it when we get there in the future."

"(What's even more surprising was the woman in that room. I knew Tarnished were... unruly folks, but I did not expect them to have a prostitute at their base of operation.)"

"Oh, yeah, her. Fia is her name. Seriously, a lot of people from my past world who were simps for her for no reason."

"(Simped? What does that word mean?)"

"It means being the lowest life form ever. It means having zero self respect. It means being worse than a dog. Basically, it's people who are overly affectionate to a woman who won't even look at them. Yet despite knowing that clearly, they still think they're different from other people who get the exact same treatment and think they have a chance with her. Honestly, it's pathetic. I don't even joke about that shit. And you know it's bad when I of all people can't bring myself to joke about it."

"(Oh, uhh... that does seem rather weird.)" Miquella sounded uncomfortable, before his voice turned cold :"(I know you aren't someone like that, but don't you dare get any ideas, alright? That was back in your previous life, where people couldn't even interact with her. But she is real to you now, so you better not get any ideas.)"

Alistair shivered. Cold Miquella really did send shivers down his spine. But it also amused him, causing him to smirk :"Oh, my dear Miquella, you sound jealous. What's the matter? I didn't expect you to be jealous of some random whore."

The golden femboy's face twitched in annoyance, his voice a growl :"(Alistair, do not make me come out of here. I know you like to mess with me, but this matter is not something that I will tolerate. Mess around now, and you will really get an earful later. Understood?)"

He raised his hands in surrender, chuckling awkwardly :"Okay, okay. You win, I'll shut up now. But anyway, don't worry. Even if I did plan on making you jealous, I have higher standards than a literal prostitute."

"(Good. You understand reason at least in these moments... wait, what do you mean planning on making me jealous?!)" He growled, but Alistair just giggled mischievously :"(Alistair! I'm talking to you, young man! Do not ignore me when I'm talking to you! Alistair!)"

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"Here. Take your club." Hewg handed him his unga bunga weapon :"But I would advise you to get a better weapon than just a big piece of wood. Believe me, it's a matter of life and death."

Alistair smiled :"Thanks, man, I appreciate it."

"Don't worry about it. It's my job here."

"Yeah, but still, my life is on the line here, just like you said. And don't worry, I'll be sure to get a good weapon later on."

"Good. You're too young to die, so listen to the advice you receive from more experienced individuals. Now off you go. And if you need your weapon to be upgraded, you can just drop by."

"You got it!" Alistair grinned :"And believe me, I'm really gonna make you work! Anyway, goodbye for now!" And teleported to the Fort Faroth Site of Grace, where Maliketh was waiting for them.

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"Hey, uncle Maliketh, we- oh, Jesus Christ!" Alistair recoiled when he was greeted by the sight of Maliketh feasting on one of those bitch ass Lesser Dragons who didn't even drop a Dragon Heart when killed.

Maliketh's head popped up from the trail of entrails and organs on the ground :"Oh, hey, kids! You're back. Sorry for the mess. This bitch ass, sorry excuse of a dragon suddenly started talking shit, so I had to teach him a lesson."

"And the lesson was mutilating it?" Miquella frowned when he was summoned, making Maliketh grin cruelly :"Yes. It's the best kind of lesson with how fun it is. Anyway, it's not like anybody would miss these little shits anyway. At least they taste pretty good."

Alistair :"...Can I have a bite?"

Miquella :"Alistair?!"

Maliketh :"Hahahaha kid has good taste! Yeah, let's eat it together! Which part do you want? I recommend the less muscly parts if it's your first time eating a dragon. Their raw meat would probably break your little teeth before you could even take a bite off."

"Well, I wasn't exactly planning to just eat it raw. Come on, I'm not that much of a savage."

"Aww, you're no fun."

"Fun is when I can digest shit, thank you very much. And besides, cooked food obviously tastes much better. Let's start a fire and throw in some flavors and you'll feel happiness in your mouth."

"Fine, fine."

"Ahem ahem, before that..." Miquella caught their attention. Alistair raised an eyebrow as he smiled at him :"We had a deal, remember? First, we would finish your goal of coming to Fort Faroth, then..."

Alistair chuckled :"Then we would be searching for more Sacred Tears. Don't worry, Miq, I haven't forgotten. But poor uncle Maliketh just traveled for so long to take us here. The least we could do is be a bit patient so he could at least eat something, right?"

Miquella smiled shyly :"O-oh, right. Hahahaha, I'm sorry, I just got too excited."

Maliketh smiled :"It's alright, Miquella. I understand why you would be excited. So your job in Caelid still isn't finished, huh? I didn't expect a Sacred Tear to be in Caelid of all places."

Alistair :"Yeah, there is one. Only one though. And don't worry, it's actually pretty close. It's just down this cliff right here and a little further from there. And see that giant skull right~ over there? There's actually a spiritspring right next to it. There's also a few good things on top of that skull, so we should get them before going."

Miquella smiled excitedly :"Oh, it's actually that close?! Then come on! Let's eat quickly and then go get the Sacred Tear!"

The two chuckled in amusement as Alistair had a thought :'But I wonder if Millicent is there or not. I did wish to come here before the main plot and quests actually started, but she could have just been living there for a long time. Oh well, let's see how it goes.'