Elden Ring: Miquella's Consort

(A/N: What's your favorite weapon in Elden Ring? For me, it's the Magma Blades. Because dude, these things hit like a fucking truck! They scale off of strength, dexterity and faith, and can have a total AR (total damage) of 800 each! They also, as the name suggests, deal fire damage, which everybody is weak to lol. And the skill? Bro, it staggers ANYTHING that isn't mountain sized!

I'm serious, even those fucking goats in the DLC with the pizza cutters and those fire knights! And it also leaves lingering magma on the ground, which deals even more damage! Honestly, the only bad thing about them is the low drop rate of 1%, but the farming is worth it, cause these things carried me.)

Miquella :"This can't get any worse, can it?"

Alistair :"Sure it can, just give me a minute."

--------------------------

"So where are we going?" Miquella asked on the way. While he and Alistair were on Torrent, Maliketh walked alongside them. The question caught Maliketh's attention :"I would like to know as well. I understand that what we want to do is a surprise, but we should at least know our destination."

"Hmm, fair enough." Alistair smiled :"We're going to Fort Faroth. There are a few things we must do there."

"What?" Maliketh stilled, frowning and causing Miquella to frown :"What's the matter, uncle? Is it a dangerous place?"

Maliketh shook his head :"No, not exactly. As long as you two mind your own business there, that is. It's just that... if I recall correctly, Fort Faroth is extremely far away. We would need to travel for weeks, maybe a month or two, to reach there on foot."

"What?" Both consorts frowned, especially Alistair :'Goddamn it, this is really becoming an issue. In the game, it was basically a 10 minute trip at most with a lot of early benefits. But now, is it really worth that much time? Killing Greyoll with the Gold Pickled Fowl Foot boost would fetch me around 100k runes, but I could earn tens of times more than that by just killing random mobs for weeks.'

Miquella looked back at Alistair, who was hugging him from behind :"Is it really worth it?" With a frown, Alistair sighed :"We're talking nearly 100k runes in just two or three minutes if we reach there. But I didn't expect it to take that long to reach there. If it does, I really think it's not worth it anymore."

"100,000 runes?!" Their eyes widened. That was a lot of runes. Miquella hummed :"No wonder you are so stubborn about it. That's enough to empower you by a very large amount."

"Haaah, that's right. And not only that, we also have to visit it later on if we want to use the Grand Lift of Dectus. It's broken and it needs the Dectus Medallion to work again. One half of the Dectus Medallion is in Fort Faroth. There's also a talisman that can make me a lot stronger."

"Then it really is necessary to go for you two." Maliketh hummed :"Alright, I'll take you there. Come here." And without warning, grabbed the two gently and placed them on his back.

"Whoa?! Uncle Maliketh, what are you doing?"

"It would take a very long time to reach there. But it will only take a few hours if I run at my full speed. It will save us a lot of time, so we better be efficient."

The two grew happy and relieved. Although traveling was fun, Caelid in its entirety was anything but fun. But Torrent didn't seem to like the idea however as he stomped his hooves :"Neigh! Neigh neigh!! Bffh!!"

Maliketh's face twitched :"Calm down, you mutt. Trying to steal your role would be the last thing I would ever want to do. This is just a one time thing to save time, so quit throwing a tantrum."

"*Suspicious* Bffh?"

"*Glaring* Yes, I'm sure. So would you quit it already?"

The consorts looked at each other, before both of them laughed out loud. Causing Maliketh to turn his head and glare :"Hey, stop laughing! Haaah, who would have thought I would have to deal with a jealous horse? Hey, you don't need to laugh that hard!"

"I-I'm sorry, uncle!" Miquella tried to calm his lingering laughter as he wiped the tear in his eye :"But the thought of Torrent being jealous thinking you want to steal his roles is way too hilarious to not laugh."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Hey, you go back to your spectral form already! And you two better hang on tight!"

As Torrent disappeared with a snort, Maliketh's large tail emerged from his cloak and wrapped around the two, making sure they wouldn't fall off. They stopped their laughter, growing cautious. As Miquella grabbed onto Maliketh's cloak tightly, he felt a hand circle around his waist to secure him even further.

He looked back with a smile :"Thank you, my dear. But you should also hang on tight." Alistair nodded, his other hand already grabbing onto the cloak as well.

"You two ready?"

"Yes, uncle." They answered, but Alistair quickly spoke :"Oh, by the way, if you see a small golden tree, please wait so we can fetch its golden seed. There should be one on the way before the bridge with the dragon. Those are very important."

"Alright, understood. Now, hang on tight!" Even when the two braced themselves, they still nearly fell off when Maliketh began to –run– run. The only reason they didn't was because of his tail. The wind blew sharply against their face as he galloped faster than any horse ever could.

But as they desperately hanged on, the wind pressure suddenly decreased sharply, almost becoming a normal breeze. Looking forward, they saw a black energy forming a translucent barrier around them. Maliketh seemed to have sensed their discomfort.

"Thanks, uncle Maliketh!" Miquella shouted, opening he would hear it over the winds. And from the smile they saw, he did :"You're welcome, nephew! Now hang on tight, this will take a while!"

-

"Blegh!!" Miquella emptied his stomach next to a tree, face pale and eyes teary as he did so. Alistair was behind him, holding back his hair and soothingly rubbing his back to comfort him :"There, there, it's alright. Let it all out, hun, don't hold back."

"Ugh, that was horrible... HMGH!" He groaned before another wave came. Alistair was used to high speed traveling, but the same couldn't be said about Miquella. The fast speed, along with how much they bumped around on top of Maliketh really messed up his stomach.

Maliketh on the side just looked away awkwardly in guilt. He should have taken into consideration how they would end up. Especially Miquella, whose body was even more reactive to discomfort.

Once he was done emptying his stomach, Alistair walked him to another tree to sit under and took out a bucket of water (A/N: BO'OH'O'WA'ER!) :"Here, wash your face and mouth. It will help you feel better."

Miquella nodded tiredly :"Okay, just give me a moment to catch my breath."

He nodded back :"Alright, take your time." He dipped his hand into the water, gathering a bit before gently caressing Miquella's cheek. Making Jim shiver, but in delight rather than discomfort. The cold water felt good against his pale skin, already working wonders in helping him calm down.

The hand that was washing him especially felt good. He leaned back as he let the noiret wash his cheeks, forehead and neck, before going down to his exposed forearms and hands to comfort him further.

He sighed comfortably, happy at the sick feeling disappearing at his touches. But the lingering smell and feeling in mouth made him frown. So he took to washing it himself. He didn't want to feel gross.

"Alright, I'm alright now." He said as he dried his face with a towel. Alistair raised his eyebrows :"Are you sure? We're not in a hurry, so you can rest if you'd like."

"*Smiling* No, it's alright. I'm okay now. But thanks for worrying."

"*Smiling* It's my duty, sweetheart. Then we should proceed. First things first, you two wait outside while I go and fetch what we need. It won't take long."

"Alright then, be careful."

It really didn't take long. He went in for one minute, and they heard loud screeching from inside, then he came sprinting out with a shout :"Hey, uncle, a little help please?!"

As he jumped down the stairs, they saw the small flood of giant bats and mouses hot on his tail. But Maliketh literally just flicked them into a bloody mess of organs and blood as they pounced at them.

Miquella :"That really was quick. And chaotic. So did you get everything you needed."

Alistair grinned as he revealed them :"Hell yeah, boy! I got the Dectus Medallion and Radagon's ball sack!"

"PFTHAHAHAHA!! HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!" Maliketh wheezed while Miquella recoiled :"W-what?! What the heck, Alistair?!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA, RADAGON'S BALL SACK HAHAHAHAHA!!" Both Maliketh and Alistair laughed, unable to contain their laughter as Miquella looked disgusted. The joke was about his father, after all.

"Aah, man, that was hilarious hahaha." The doggo of death wiped away the tears :"I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard."

Alistair grinned :"You're welcome, pal."

Miquella rolled his eyes :"Are you two quite finished yet? Goodness, you two are immature."

Alistair :"Hahahaha, alright, alright. I'm sorry."

Miquella :"So what did you find? *Glaring* Be serious."

He revealed the talisman :"It's this, Radagon's Soreseal. It's a talisman that raises my Vigor, Endurance, Strength and Dexterity by 5 each, but increases damage taken by 15%. Honestly, it's worth it for 20 levels."

Maliketh :"What the hell is a level?"

"Well, I'm sorry, but not everybody is born overpowered, alright? Unlike you demigods and whatnot, some of us have to do a shit ton to get stronger."

"Alright, sheesh, calm down. It's not that serious."

Miquella :"A talisman, huh? That's right, those can be very useful. I had forgotten about them completely, to be honest. We need to keep in mind to find more if we can."

"Well, unfortunately we can only..." Alistair was about to deliver the harsh truth, before his eyes widened :'Wait a second... this isn't the game! It's not like I have max equip slots here! Even the Radagon's Soreseal's effect was applied the instant I grabbed it!'

"Hahahaha, that's right, that's right! We need to find as many as we can!" He laughed, imagining all the goodies' effects stacked together :'Ooh, this is just getting better and better!'

Maliketh and Miquella looked at each other, confused as to why he was laughing so hard. But they just blamed it on his weirdness and the boy god asked the real question :"So now that we've gotten those two, what about the runes? You said we would get everything we needed in the same place."

"Oh, our runes, of course! Hahahaha, that's the best part!" He grinned before pointing somewhere :"See that?" They all turned, and we're met with the giant dragon tail stretching from god-knows-where :"That's our runes."

"..."

The silence could be cut with a knife. They were so stunned they couldn't even express themselves facially. Finally, Maliketh turned to him :"Alistair, I would have laughed at how ridiculous what you just said is, but it's so ridiculous that you left me flabbergasted. Do you have any idea who that is?"

"Of course! She's Elder Dragon Greyoll, mother of all dragons!"

"Oh, so you do know who she is. And you are saying YOU are going to kill HER, who not even the demigods, Marika, Radagon, Godfrey or even me mess with?" (A/N: See Greyoll vs bosses on YouTube, it's sick.)

"Exactly!"

"...Miquella, pick another consort, this one's delusional."

(A/N: You know, I just realized something. So the Elden Ring bosses all have MASSIVE HP bars, right? Stretching all the way to five digits at the stronger ones. But ours at max raw stats is just 2,100, not even comparable.

But then you realize that even though their health bar is off the ceiling, their attack power is shit. Literally, because it's a few hundred at most, or somewhat above 1k for the strongest bosses! Then it hit me, they prioritize survivability, while the Tarnished basically say "It can't hurt me if it's already dead" lol.

So I decided to challenge myself! No vigor. All stats into doing as much damage as humanly possible! Is it dumb? Yes. Does it sound fun? Also yes. I'll keep you updated on how many times each boss kills me lol!)