Chapter 37 — Ei’s Anatomy: The Show

Editors: PROCRASTINATOR & GREETER

 

[Ei’s POV]

 

“You’re not casting with mana. You’re casting with Primordial Energy.” (Crate)

 

…What? 

 

“Eh?” (Ei)

 

“EHH?!” (Class)

 

“Considering you don’t know that yourself, I find it unlikely that you’re a spirit, so I have no idea why you cast magic that way… Well, if you’re taking Mythological history, then you'll learn about its significance. For the purposes of this class, it doesn’t matter.”

 

…Well, I’m taking that class so that’s good.

 

“Alright, let’s get into the actual lessons now. For the most part, this will be completely practical. Cast magic over and over, then improve yourself. If you want to try to learn spells, now is the time. If you have questions, ask me.”

 

…And here I was thinking I’d learn something.

 

“Ei, Ori, Galdur, and Wiluare, follow me.” (Crate)

 

Or maybe I will?

 

We followed Crate to a place outside the back of the training grounds the classroom turned into. 

 

“Simply put, this class has no value to you.” (Crate)

 

I figured that out.

“So, you have two options. First, stay in this class and duel everyday, or, second, change this class out for a second one.” (Crate)

 

“I’ll duel.” (Ei)

 

Fighting is fun. I’ll probably end up beating everyone up, but that’s fine.

 

“I’ll do it too. Hooded person, you’re Ei right?” (Ori)

 

“Yeah.” (Ei)

 

“I’m coming for your spot. Don’t you forget it.” (Ori)

 

I’m afraid that’s impossible. (P/N Ei’s got some one-liners)

 

“Go ahead and try.” (Ei)

 

…I’m not exactly helping the reputation of High Elves, am I?

 

“I as well.” (Wiluare)

 

“...Sure.” (Galdur)

 

Well, I’m sure watching me beating up kids isn’t going to be fun, so let’s skip to the next class.

 

☆★☆★☆★☆★☆

 

[Siren’s POV]

 

Ehehe~ Three of the points have been placed! Only seven more to go! Medulla Spinalis will collapse and turn the entire continent into Primordial Energy~

 

Why did Nil only order us to begin now? He said something about statues but why do we need to wait for some unattractive pieces of stone? 

 

“Volty~” (Siren)

 

“Would you shut up?” (“Volty”)

 

“But it’s playtime~ And remember our deal from last time, it’s only 10,000 gold now, right~?” (Siren) (P/N SIGH……….)

 

“Yes, I did say that… Either way, I am working right now.” (“Volty”)

 

“Fine… I’ll help you out~”

 

Maybe I can get another discount~ Oh! And next week we have another attack~ Maybe I should increase the attack rates this time instead…

 

☆★☆★☆★☆★☆

 

[Ei’s POV]

 

Alright, next class, Magical Beast anatomy. Wait, am I going to get to learn about myself? (P/N Ohhhh the temptation for a dirty joke right now)

 

“Alright class! Today, we’re learning about what is attacking us currently: Vampires.” (Teacher)

 

God damn it.

 

“I’m your host, Bob, with another episode of ‘What’s Inside That Magic Beast’s Body?! Let’s Find Out Together in Class with Bob!’ Also known as the hit show, W-I-T-M-B-B-L-F-O-T-i-C-w-B! Can you remember it?” (Bob)

 

…Did I walk into a game show on accident?

 

“Well, dear viewers, let’s see the basic overview! Here we have a Vampire! We’ll be looking at their appearances, weaknesses, weapons, strengths, magical abilities, and anatomy. We’ll also look at their history, notable figures, and how it relates to today! Also known as A-W-W-S-MA-A-H-NF-HIRtT!” (Bob)

 

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS CLASS?!?!!?

 

Behind him appears 3d models of Elves floating off to the side. There’s four of them, all completely black with a question mark on them. Two look female, two look male.

 

“First, let’s take a look at the skin tone! They’re all white, just like toilets. But, their skin won’t smash satisfyingly with only a hammer, for that you’ll need a war hammer, or six!!!” (Bob)

 

Eh I suppose that’s accurate. But why are you comparing my skin to a toilet?! Those don’t even exist in this world!!!

 

Ignoring that, the models now have skin and some basic clothes. The eyes are black though and the hair does not exist.

 

“Anyways, that’s one of their key features, so pay attention! You wouldn’t want to mistake one for an Elf! Here’s some more key features!” (Bob)

 

A title card pops up and says, “The Key to the Lock: Slaying Advice”.

 

“Welcome to the Key to the Lock! Here we teach you to murder! Of course, you wouldn’t want to murder the wrong person, so that’s why this is the key! KttL:SA, we’ll unlock your knowledge of how to choose the right target!” (Bob)

 

…What’s with the cringy slogans??

 

“Take a look at their hair! It’s silver or white (most of the time)! That’s step one! Then take a good look at their eyeballs! Red eyes are key! And don’t forget the fangs, hard to miss, but a key feature!” (Bob)

 

…Hard to miss is an understatement. I’ve had my fangs out all day and nobody noticed.

 

“Here’s something else to know about Vampires! They can grow w i n g s! Drank too much of a certain drink, eh? Well, a high level Vampire can have wings! They're either black or red, but the more vibrant the color the more dangerous they are! Be careful!” (Bob)

 

Ehehe… I can get stronger still! Ori will never beat me!

 

“Try this at home!” (Bob)

 

…Is this Bill Nye or something?

 

“Vampires are masters of hemomancy! They can bend blood to their will! Try it yourself at home! Here are some spells to get you started! Parental supervision is advised! [Blood Ball]: Forms a ball of blood! [Blood Line]: creates a line of blood! Very cool!” (Bob)

 

Yeah, yeah. Can we skip this part?

 

“Hemomancy is the magic field concerning the bending of blood! That’s the stuff inside you. It’s generally looked down on as a ‘dark art’, but there’s nothing wrong with practicing safely! It could even save your life!” (Bob)

 

I’m going to bend the blood straight out of you if you don’t get over this boring lesson!

 

“Vampires are made out of mana! What’s that? The stuff that is e v e r y w h e r e! And in everything! This entire classroom contains enough mana to make a single Vampire! But, who are these Vampires? Well, let’s find out about some famous people!” (Bob)

 

Maybe this could be helpful…

 

“First! We have Remilia and Flandre Crimson! Remilia Crimson disappeared around 500 years ago, but she was known for taking out other Vampires and ruling the Crimson Demon Manor! Her sister, Flandre Crimson is known for making flan in a bakery! It’s right down the road, and it’s open right now! Don’t skip class though!” (Bob)

 

…I thought Flandre was the one who was all battle maniac? 

 

“That’s the past! It’s history now, but what about the present! Also known as T-t-P-I-H-N-b-W-A-t-P! Well, we don’t know anything, so we had to can this section! But what about magic? It’s everything, god damn it! If you see a Vampire, get out of there! The lowest ranking ones are C rank monsters!” (Bob)

 

Weak.

 

“Now then, strengths and weaknesses. Strengths? Everything. Weaknesses? Garlic and Mjölnir light. Why garlic? Who knows…” (Bob)

 

…Can I seriously not eat garlic bread? What a scam…

 

“Now that that’s done, any questions? None? Good. Onto the next topic!” (Bob)

 

But I didn’t even get a chance to ask!!!!

 

“We’ll be back after this five minute break!” (Bob)

 

…

 

“Alright class! Now, we’re learning about Wyverns. How is it pronounced? Why - vern? Wih - vern? Wih - vren? Why - vren? Wren? Who knows! I’m your host, Bob, with another episode of ‘What’s Inside That Magic Beast’s Body?! Let’s Find Out Together in Class with Bob!’ Also known as the hit show, W-I-T-M-B-B-L-F-O-T-i-C-w-B! Can you remember it?” (Bob)

 

… Let’s just skip this one, shall we?