Congratulations on Your Magical Girl Duties

87 – Magical Self-Harm

There are certain unwritten rules in this world.

Don’t say things are quiet in the emergency room.

Don’t say “Huh?” while coding.

Because the moment you say it, something’s bound to happen. It’s like a curse.

And, it was the same for me.

How long has it been since I thought about having some free time? Suddenly, the Company Commander shows up with a magical girl.

“You guys take care of her Magical Management.”

“?”

Hair the color of something deeper than red, magical girl with three bars on her arm band.

I’d seen her once before, this magical girl.

The impression, naturally, wasn’t exactly positive.

She was the one with ramen broth smeared on her transformation outfit, standing next to her mint-colored *thing*.

Frankly, I was a bit on the fence, but it was likely her. Sora’s eyes had sharpened, after all.

But why ask us, of all people, to manage her?

Especially since she outranked us?

“Why?”

“Magenta Eagle, one of the magical girls in charge of Magical Dispatches, is being uncooperative.”

That unfamiliar term, heard so suddenly, made me glance at Sora.

“Sora, what’s a Magical Dispatch?”

“Magical girls who go around delivering Magical Announcements directly.”

“Ah.”

Thinking about it, I seemed to recall hearing that Magical Dispatches had been going around when I was giving my stock lectures. That must have been them, the magical girls.

Never saw anything like that during my time in the service.

I mostly kept to myself.

Meanwhile, the Captain, apparently finished with his business, left without further explanation.

“Anyway, handle this well, I’m off.”

One irresponsible sentence, leaving behind a magical girl with a face full of discontent.

At that moment, the magical girl scowled at us, brow furrowing deeply.

“What are you staring at, you pieces of shit.”

We hadn’t said a word, and suddenly she’s cursing.

I was already tired, ready to throw it all away.

But orders are orders, and I had a job to do.

“Hey.”

“Don’t come near me!”

This crazy b*tch didn’t even let me finish a sentence before screaming at the top of her lungs.

And it didn’t stop there, either.

She really started going for it.

“If you don’t do as I say, I’ll just go ahead and Magical Suicide! And of course, it’s all your responsibility!”

She mimed slashing her wrist with a box cutter, which I had no idea where she got. *Shick, shick*.

“Come down! Come down!”

“Such actions are not advisable, you see!”

Whitey and Octopus were clearly flustered, desperately trying to dissuade the Magical Girl.

Whitey probably worried that getting tangled up in this would wreck his vacation. Octopus felt like he was doing it because of Magical Buddhist doctrines.

“If you are going to Magical Nirvana, there are more ‘efficient’ methods, you see!”

Scratch that.

Octopus just hated inefficiency.

Meanwhile, no matter what the Magical Girl said or did, Sora just sneered with a venomous glare.

“Stop the crap and just croak already. Before you do, hand over our sister’s Magical Vacation, you ghoul.”

They definitely didn’t get along.

Otherwise, there’s no way Sora would just blurt out something like that so freely.

“Ah, really? If you tell me to croak, then I’ll croak, fine.”

Sora’s words clearly got under her skin, because the Magical Girl contorted her face and slashed at her wrist with the box cutter.

– *Pick!*

It wasn’t just a charade. A single, genuine stream of blood trickled down the Magical Girl’s wrist.

And with her eyes half-gone, it wouldn’t be strange if she did something even worse.

“Yeah! I’ll die! You tell me to die, so I’ll die like this, won’t I?!”

Thanks to that, Whitey’s face was even paler than before as he desperately started trying to placate the Magical Girl.

“Suicide is not good! Think of suicide backwards─!”

“Suicide backwards is ‘ediciUs’?!”

The Magical Girl’s state was critical.

She kept threatening to off herself at the drop of a hat.

And on top of that, she was suffering from a severe case of teenage angst.

It was so pathetic it was painful to watch. I couldn’t just stand by any longer, so I decided to step in.

“Hey.”

“And what’s your problem?! If you keep saying things, I’m just gonna slash it! You think I can’t?!”

No sooner had she finished speaking, the Magical Girl went *pick* at her wrist again. More blood than before flowed out, soaking the floor.

I quickly approached the Magical Girl.

“Hey, what are you doing!”

“What do you think I’m doing! Killing myself because of you, that’s what!”

The magic girl caused concern.

This was the unvarnished truth, not a lie amongst it.

“You idiot, not there, you cut *here*.”

“Huh?”

Cutting there would only cause pain, wouldn’t it?

“Watch closely. You cut here. I’ll help you.”

“W-wait just a sec─!”

So, to send her off with the least possible pain, in one go.

– Shlick.

Lacerating the magic girl’s artery cleanly, a fountain of blood erupted from her wrist.

– Fshooossshhh!!!

Success.

Perhaps it was because this was a somewhat special box cutter, unlike the others. The magic girl’s flesh was cut easily.

Well, my still-living skill probably helped a bit too.

Anyway, she’ll be gone soon at this rate.

“Alright, done. Just a few minutes and you’ll die quick─”

“W-w-what the hell are you doing, you son of a b*tch!!!!!!”

But after I helped her out, the magic girl frantically started going off on me. Face ashen, clutching desperately at her wrist.

This was truly unfair.

What exactly did I do wrong?

“No, seriously. You said you were gonna die, right? But you can’t kill yourself like that, so I helped.”

“I-I was just saying it! I wasn’t really going to die!”

She’s saying she wasn’t gonna die and yet she’s cutting her wrist?

Something’s off. It’s a lie, no matter how you look at it.

Life is more precious than anything, but recklessly wagering it like that is something even the worst trash wouldn’t do.

“Stop talking crazy and tell me what you really mean.”

“I want to live!!!”

Seems like actually dying was frightening after all.

“You really mess with a guy, you b*tch.”

Anyway, it’s not my fault.

“Senior, still, how could you just slice her up like that?”

“No, she said she wanted to die, so I helped her.”

“Hey, but if we’re gonna kill her, isn’t it cleaner to wrap her in plastic, then burn her with Sora’s magic? This is dirty with all the blood.”

“That’s not effective, I say. Wrapping her in plastic is troublesome in itself. There are cleaner methods aplenty in this world, I say.”

“Hey, think! If you burn plastic, you’ll get endocrine disruptors. What if you pollute the environment? It’s not good for the body either.”

“Ah, right. That’s true. Sorry. My thinking was short.”

As we exchanged these simple words, the magical girl barely managed to stop the bleeding.

Surely, the magical girl’s physique is a cheat.

I really intended to send her on her way.

Anyway, now that the situation was somewhat settled, I brought up my business with the magical girl again.

“Hey, what’s the problem?”

“Well, it’s just that…”

The magical girl avoided my gaze, beginning to reveal the details.

First, she’d somehow ended up in charge of the Magical Delivery this time, but she wasn’t used to it and was afraid of people, so she didn’t do it, which led to this situation.

“In the end, you just didn’t want to do it, I say?”

“It’s not easy, even if I want to.”

Usually, Magical Deliverers travel alone, but she found it hard to separate from the group she always hung out with, and the memories of her school days came flooding back, or something like that.

“As a Magical I on the Magical MBTI, I really get anxious about this.”

No sooner had her explanation ended than Sora poured out a voice full of resentment.

“Seriously, you were so good at yapping when you ganged up on us to bully us, but now you’re scared because you’re alone? Do you think that makes any sense?!”

“Honestly, it’s not like you guys didn’t do anything wrong, either?”

“You shouldn’t have touched us in the first place! We didn’t do anything, so why were you acting like that?!”

While Whitedog calmed Sora, who was screaming at the magical girl, the magical girl began to utter a lament again.

“I don’t know why they treated me like such a weirdo just because I watched anime and read manga in school.”

Looking at the magical girl mumbling like an octopus, Nakji offered his own critique.

“This girl also spent her school days like that, but she got along well with others, I say. From the looks of it, you were imitating special moves from manga like a commoner, I say.”

“I didn’t use special moves; I got hit?”

“Ah…”

Well, she clamped her mouth shut right quick, though.

Presently, Octopus, with a sullen look, began to move her lips.

“A stolen youth, you say… that is truly a thing most pitiable.”

“Octopus, watch your words. Where do you see a stolen youth, anyway?”

“Young soul, why is it you say so?”

Octopus tilted her head at my words.

I opened my mouth and answered calmly.

“It’s a youth not even worth stealing, is what.”

“Aha. Now I understand you.”

“S-Shut up, you b*stards!!!”

Honestly, who would even want to take something like that?

A lost youth that was never even stolen.

Like a wet wipe left with its lid ajar, a trivial youth slowly, withered and died.

Anyway.

It truly is a heart-wrenching thing. The trauma of her school days still clutching at her ankles.

But, it’s alright.

“Still, don’t worry. This is something I can fix.”

“You? Dare you? How?”

The Magical Girl gave a grotesque smirk, but I didn’t particularly mind it.

She is someone who’s been suffering from the trauma of her school days until now. Rather than anger, I only felt pity when she said something like that.

I replied with a wry smile.

“I’ll get back the youth you think was stolen from you. So you won’t have to fear people anymore.”

“Is… is that even possible?”

“Of course.”

Of course, it isn’t as if this Magical Girl is good.

She’s one of the main culprits who tormented Sora and Whitey. If I were to pick it apart piece by piece, she’d be a complete villain.

“Don’t worry!”

But.

That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t even give this Magical Girl a chance at salvation. Whatever it is, it wouldn’t hurt to at least try, right?

So, I was thinking of helping her as much as I could.

“I’ll carry you through this!”

Because I am a hero.