carl@fire

He sipped his coffee. Huh. Apparently the age-restricted starter zones get pretty X-rated when you go over to the rich parts. Guess that makes sense? They're probably all people who beat all the bosses or whatever and… No, actually, they're probably just people who play the market all day and never do quests or play the freaking game. Never understood people like that, but whatever floats their boats. At least they're not flaunting all this mature content next to the gate where—

{Carl? Do you have a moment to speak with me?}

Carl looked around. Seeing that there was nobody nearby who was paying attention to him, he grew confused. "Hello?" he said quietly.

{Carl, I have need of a consultation if you are not occupied.}

That voice… "Ir'alith?" Carl said in confusion.

{Yes. I will be brief: I have many paths open to me at present. Selecting the correct one as a starting point has been troubling me.}

They must've improved the messaging function a bit in the update. Sounds so much clearer without that stupid processed-sounding filter they had. Hope they don't revert it in the next patch. "Yeah, I've got a minute or two. Figuring out where to go, huh?" Carl frowned, sitting alone in his booth as he talked to himself in the populated coffeehouse. Probably deciding between the Blood-Drenched Lake of Sorrow or the Deep Mines of Darkness. Hm, that second one wasn't as edgy as it should've been. "Well," he said, trying to come up with an answer that wouldn't ruin the girl's role-play, "I guess you've gotta think of the benefits and risks. Then prioritize based on whether there's any special events you've gotta make it in time for."

{That will not affect your plans?}

Carl chuckled. "Don't worry about that, you're not gonna bother me."

There was silence for a moment. {As expected. My thanks, Carl. Your recommendations are sound.}

"Well, you are hearing them," Carl said, taking another sip of his coffee. Not my best work, but still a strong dad joke.

There was silence for a while, and Carl thought—

{I wish for you to know that I think of you fondly, Carl.}

Carl grinned. That's adorable. She's still so grateful for that little thing earlier. Maybe I've been a little hard on her in my head. She's just got her own sense of fun. Plus, people here are just as weird. They're just differently weird with this whole pink leash thing. "Just glad I could be there," he said. "Maybe we'll meet up again sometime once I'm done figuring things out here and you finish with wherever you're headed." Huh. Wasn't she wearing one of those leash things when I found her, now that I think of it? Maybe I should've left it on?

There was no reply for long moment, and he deliberated in the meanwhile. Eh, she can get another one if she's into that.

{You…wish to meet with me?}

"Well," Carl rubbed his beard. I guess maybe it'd be kinda cool to see what she's like when she can really dig into her character. Maybe some of her friends, too. Assuming I'm stuck here long enough. "Yeah, it'd be nice to see what you're like when you're not trapped. Maybe meet some of your people or something, too."

{You would meet with my people as well?}

Huh, she sounds a little anxious. "Yeah, I mean, it was just an idea. If you don't wanna, then—"

{No, I would be proud to introduce them to my savior.}

"Great, we'll do that sometime, then," Carl said. Are all her friends super edgy, too? Actually, I bet they have a pretty cool base set up somewhere. He caught sight of Mina striding back towards him. "Ah, sorry, Ir'alith, I've gotta go. Nice to hear from you again, though. Don't be a stranger."

{My apologies, Carl, I did not wish to cause distraction. I will contact you again when I finish with…the dwarves, I believe it shall be.}

"Sounds good, Ir'alith. Take care."

{You as well, Carl.}

Mina slid into her side of the booth a moment later. Her arrival was immediately followed by a naked female elf setting a fresh cup of coffee in front of her and removing the old one.

"I'm not sure I'll get used to that," Mina remarked, glancing after the elf who was sashaying towards the front of the shop. The end of her leash was soon snatched as she walked past a table, and she immediately dropped to her hands and knees to crawl underneath.

Carl had turned his head when she spoke and now looked back with a slight frown to the young woman sitting across the table from him. I mean, I guess it's kind of a cool idea for a low-key sex club? If you're into this kinda thing? His frown changed to a grimace as he tried to comprehend the aesthetics of the coffeehouse. Nope, still weird. "What's with the pink collars, anyway? I've seen them outside, too."

"It marks them as purified—safe, according to the Churches," Mina said, taking a sip of her fresh coffee. She made a face, then added some cream and sugar from the caddy on the table. More sugar than cream, Carl noted. "The Inquisition is the enforcing arm of the Churches, of course," she added, leaning in closer and dropping her voice to barely above a whisper. "They seek out and destroy any influence from the devils, and we do not do or say anything which might draw their attention."

Carl took the hint. So this Inquisition is some guild or group or whatever that enforces role-playing. It's a player-based thing. "Are they everywhere?" he asked just as quietly. Ugh, this sounds almost like HR.

"Not so much outside the city," she said while shaking her head, "though they do venture to some of the smaller villages in the kingdom on occasion."

Alright, so in-game HR isn't enforcing policies in dungeons and stuff. Looks like that's where I've gotta go if I wanna get away from all this. But everything's so far away! I guess I can just move myself there, but it feels like I'm not even trying to play the game at that point. Not to mention I don't have the coordinates or names of anywhere else. If only I had…some kind of…vehicle…

Carl had an idea. But how do I bring this up… We're not really that close yet.

"I understand," he said, finishing his coffee. He held his hand up to decline the elf that bounced and jiggled her way over to the table with a fresh cup a moment later, feeling that three cups of virtual coffee was a sufficient number. How do they even know my cup is empty, anyway? Wish I had this at work. In a more safe-for-work, HR-approved kinda way, obviously. Feeling pretty revitalized now, though.

"What time is it, anyway?" he asked abruptly. I can finally settle it once and for all whether the in-game clock is showing in-game time or just a wrong timezone. I've seen people wearing watches, but there's no wall clocks in here.

Mina reached down and pulled the sleeve of her blue shirt up to check her watch. "It's almost twenty o'clock."

Carl checked the in-game clock and frowned when the displayed time seemed to match. But it's still light out. And she wouldn't give me real world time… "Mina, how long is a day here?"

"They're lengthening now," she said, finally leaning back in her seat. "Should be around twenty seven hours today."

Twenty seven? That's a heck of a change to get used to. "You said they're getting longer?"

Mina nodded. "The longest day is thirty two hours at the summer solstice when there's no nighttime. We calculate it by the big sun, so sometimes it's still light out even if it's not day. Otherwise days would last far too long in the summer."

"Wait, wait," Carl said, stroking his beard furiously as he tried to keep up. "Are you talking about the length of daytime or the number of hours in a day period?"

"The former," Mina said, radiating patience. "A day period of time is thirty two hours, always."

That's so long! But I guess it makes sense; that gives everyone a bit more time to log in and play on days where there's events, like the Halloween one Bobby mentioned was going on now.

A more depressing thought occurred to him. If it's already been that long, Bobby's already long asleep. Annie must be really worried by now, too, since I'm sure she's been trying to call me.

He sighed. Can't believe she's getting put through this too just so Roger could make his stupid point. Then again, it's not really like her to just sit back and wait. She's probably on her way here if she isn't already—

"Carl," Mina began, gently bringing his attention back to the game he was trapped in, "I heard that you were carrying a certain unusual weapon when you arrived. I'd like to see it, if that's not too much trouble."

"Sure," Carl said, glad to have something to take his mind off the situation. Then he frowned down at the table. But how the heck am I supposed to use my inventory? Getting money out is already breaking character, so bringing out my fishing rod's gonna be the same. I don't really wanna have those Inquisition HR guys hounding me while I can't log out. Ooh, if they handcuffed me with my hands behind my back I wouldn't be able to type. That'd be bad. There's limits to how much role-play stuff I can deal with before I'm gonna break everyone else's immersion, and getting thrown in game-jail by these guys definitely isn't happening.

He felt a sudden, uncomfortable pressure on his bladder and his frown deepened as he looked down at himself. Wait, really? How the heck…

The pressure grew more insistent, but it was also, as he realized, very convenient.

"Actually," said Carl, rising from his seat, "I'm gonna hit the water closet myself. I'll show you when I get back."

Mina nodded, seeming distracted by something. "Of course. I'm sure I'll be here when you return."

"Be right back," Carl said. Without looking back, he began walking with increasing speed towards the rear of the coffeehouse. Roger, how the hell did you even manage this? Some kinda threshold you reach when you eat or drink a certain volume of—

He thrust open the door to one of the bathrooms and staggered in, shutting it firmly behind himself and locking it. Then he turned to the toilet.

If anything, the attention to detail here was the truly incredible part. The toilet itself was made of some shining, silvery, decorated metal with a spotless wooden seat. A small wooden cabinet extended a short ways from the wall behind it, and a bronze pipe rose up through the top where another wooden cabinet was affixed at the ceiling line. A long metal chain extended down from the ceiling cabinet, ending with a large, metal, diamond-shaped object that was clearly meant as a handle.

Carl took it in with a glance as he rushed to the toilet and raised the seat, working to unfasten the button at the top of his Noble's Court Trousers with his other hand. Dammit, Roger! Some things could really use a lot less attention to detail and realism!