carl@fire

Carl sipped his coffee, and then the cup was empty.

He set it on the table and frowned as he tipped the white ceramic cup towards himself to stare at the empty bottom, certain that his cup had been full just a—

A naked, full-figured elf with orange hair scurried over to Carl's spacious wooden booth carrying a cup of fresh coffee and placed it down on the table before him. Then she offered him the end of the pink leash that was attached to the pink collar around her neck.

Carl held his hand up, declining in the same way he would refuse a server who was offering him a complimentary refill on a drink he was already not planning to finish. "No, thanks," he said.

The girl—woman?—elf giggled at him, then picked up his empty cup and skipped back towards the counter near the front of the establishment, the existence of which had caused Carl to now be certain that there was some type of age-gating mechanism at work and feel some relief from the constant nagging in the back of his mind even though he was definitely still going to worry a little until he could double-check when he got out of the game—he trusted that his wife had done her due diligence, of course, because she was always very thorough, but he was starting to see why his company's game had such a massive number of players and also wish he hadn't been trying so hard to intentionally avoid learning anything about it, something made possible by the fact that he was in IT and not actually a developer of the game as everyone seemed to assume when they found out where he worked.

Carl picked up his second cup of coffee and took a sip, staring across the table at his new friend, who was looking around with a slight grimace on her face. "Nice place," he said dryly. "Really brings full service to a whole new meaning." The soft buzz of conversations, interrupted occasionally by a muffled—or not—moan, surrounded them.

Mina cringed, her gaze snapping back to his. "I… I didn't know it would be like this in here," she said quietly. "My apologies."

"In retrospect, the O's in 'coffeehouse' being pink with little leashes attached probably should've been a hint," Carl mused. He took another sip of the coffee. "This coffee is really strong." Feels like I'm a bit more human again after getting nickel-and-dimed all afternoon. Long afternoon, just like at the office. He yawned despite feeling the familiar feeling of increased clarity that the taste of the hot, black beverage was bringing him. "Good, too."

The very feminine young blonde woman sitting across from him sipped at her own coffee. "Yes, that's true."

"Hm," said Carl.

Mina set her cup down on the table and leaned forward. "I'm so sorry for scaring you on the drive over, Carl. I thought perhaps—"

"Nah, it's cool," said Carl. It's so nice to not have to try and be in character. This place is some kinda weird role-play sex club or whatever, but the coffee's good and they're not trying to upsell me on anything. Also, somehow not a surprise that Mina likes cars or that she likes driving way too fast.

"By cool, do you perhaps mean okay or good?" Mina asked, her tone oddly cautious.

"Yeah, don't sweat it," Carl said absently. "Once I realized you had it under control, it was like a really unsafe roller coaster. You really need to add some seatbelts if you're gonna be driving that fast. And maybe a horn or something, too. Had a close call there at that one intersection with that other car." He took another sip of his black coffee, then tried a bite of the complimentary bread. Wow, the flavor realness is unbelievable. That's another plus for Roger and his guys, I guess. Hate to give them any credit, but at least they've been putting in solid work on some stuff.

Mina blushed, though she tried to hide it behind her coffee cup as she took another sip. "I didn't expect someone to be coming from that direction," she said, a sheepish smile creeping across her face.

"You gotta remember to look both ways at busy intersections like that," Carl said. Guess she doesn't get to drive much in real life? Having a weird feeling like this is preparing me to teach Sammy how to drive. She's been begging us to let her get her learner's permit for the past month, but I just can't see myself letting her out on the road. Too reckless. "City could use some traffic signals on that part, too. Lot of congestion there."

"Traffic signals," Mina repeated after him, her expression one of deep thought as she stroked her unbearded chin. She picked up her cup and saucer and took a sip of her coffee. "Yes, that's brilliant," she continued, nodding to herself as she stared into the distance. "We could perhaps employ someone to stand in the intersection and direct the vehicles to improve the efficiency. A mage, perhaps, using designated light patterns—"

"Or colors?" Carl interjected. No need to get too role-play-ish about this.

"Or colors," Mina said looking at him with a somewhat stunned gaze. "Yes, of course. I can't believe I didn't consider that."

"Sometimes the simple ideas are the last ones you think of," Carl said, nodding. Yeah, we've all been there. One minute you're trying to solve some weird issue with someone's account not logging in, then the next they're begging you not to log in because they have Important Accounting Documents that nobody else can see and please, please don't tell HR. Read the policies: it's an HR policy violation to view porn at work, but it's an IT policy violation to have it anywhere on my system. I don't make those rules, but that's what the company wants so that's how it is.

"And this seat belt idea—equally brilliant," said Mina. "A belt that could be strapped around a person driving or riding in a steamcar in order to stabilize them during sharp turns."

"Or just to prevent them from flying out of the car in the event of a crash, of course," Carl said. She's definitely a bit eccentric. Manages to cobble together a customized in-game car that runs off of her character's mana but can't figure out the need for safety when she's driving that fast? Physics engine must be working overtime to give that kind of response. Still kinda surprised people have cars instead of just horses or dragons or whatever as mounts in the first place, but I guess New Era isn't as medieval as I thought.

"Yes," Mina said slowly, her eyes unfocusing again. "Because if one were to drive into an obstacle at high speed, the resulting collision would obviously cause the objects—and people—in the steamcar to retain their momentum… Ooh, how I wish I had my notebook with me." She sipped her coffee and frowned in apparent agitation.

"Sir, My Lady," said a middle-aged man in a dark suit as he strolled up to the table, wringing his hands. "Are you certain we can't provide you with any, ah, additional entertainment?" He gestured to the equally-spacious booths across the room, all of which were filled with people in their seats. They were populated under their tablecloths as well, Carl could see, based on the bared skin he noticed near the floor and the pink leashes overtly held by the men and the women at the tables.

Also the naked elf-man crawling out from under one of the tables to head over and fetch more coffee was a bit of a hint as to what the host meant, Carl felt.

Mina was shooting him a nervous look when he glanced back to the table, and he once again held his hand up and uttered the same polite declination he'd made earlier. "No, thanks."

The host looked to Mina. "My Lady, we're so—"

"No, thanks," she said, mimicking Carl's rough hand gesture execution to perfection, a motion which amused him slightly given her character's appearance.

"Yes, of course," said the host, seeming reluctant to leave.

"I'll pay you extra to leave us alone," Carl said. I take it back about the upsell. Not sure if it's even an added cost, but that's not what I'm here for. Really need to figure out a way to subtly ask if that kind of thing is coded into the game. Pretty sure at this point considering everything going on in here. Not to mention our crazy player counts. There's gotta be some automatic age restriction going on though; thirteen-going-on-fourteen's way too young for this. Or maybe there's some kinda parental lock or whatever that I enabled and forgot about? That would've been a pretty long time ago now, and everything's been so hectic lately. Need to write that note…

"No, no, that won't be necessary," said the suited man. "Please, um, enjoy yourselves however you wish." He made a hasty escape after that.

Mina was already giggling. "Pay him extra to leave us alone? Carl, has anyone ever told you that you're brilliant?"

Carl preened. "Of course they have. That's how I—" No, I shouldn't tell everyone I work at FE. That was a special circumstance with Ir'alith. "—have an idea on how to further improve your car," he finished.

"Oh?" Mina asked, leaning in with rapt attention.

"What you need to do next is to fully enclose your car. Make it more aerodynamic so that—"

"You know of aerodynamics, too?" Mina hissed, looking like her eyes were going to pop out of her head.

"Well, yeah, it was part of a general engineering science-y program I started off with—part of physics, really." Amazed I remember any of this stuff now, to be honest. That was what, thirty years ago? I'm old. He covered his sudden depression by guzzling the remainder of his coffee. This coffee's amazing. Still annoyed that I gotta go up and take your coffee, Roger, but at least you've been putting it to good use.

Their conversation was cut off as another elf—a man this time, and wearing the tiniest conceivable black thong which did more to reveal an erection than it did to conceal—hustled over to their table with another cup of coffee.

Then he offered Carl the end of his leash.

Carl shook his head and held his hand up in yet another polite refusal. "No, really, I'm good."

The male elf shrugged, then picked up the empty cup and strutted away.

Carl rested his head on his hand with his elbow on the table. "Really?" he asked. They don't let up!

Mina laughed, covering her mouth. "They're so insistent! I suppose they must be surprised to see me here."

"Not the usual kind of place you hang out?" Carl sipped his newest cup of coffee, relishing the dark blend. No wonder they've always got the best coffee up there. They've gotta have it for research purposes. Man, I should've been an engineer.

"No, I seldom leave the castle," Mina said with a sigh. "Always one person or another who feels the need to waste my time." She frowned. "Or worse."

Worse? My dad-sense just blipped when she said that. Must be imagining it. "Ah, yeah, that's tough," Carl said, pushing himself upright as he commiserated while thinking of the last useless meeting he'd been forced to sit in on. "I get a lot of that, too. Always gotta just sit there and pretend you're paying attention—"

"It's awful," Mina said, her character's attractive-looking face contorting in disgust.

"Why don't you leave the castle, then?" Carl asked. "You could just take your car somewhere and be like, the queen of racing or something."

Mina frowned. "Queen of racing," she murmured, pressing her thumb to the underside of her chin. "I could, couldn't I?"

"Was that as fast as your car could go?" Carl took a sip of his coffee as he looked across the table.

"No, I depressed the pedal roughly halfway," Mina said, an excited grin forming on her face. "I've never traveled so fast before, to be fully honest. It was incredible!"

Carl grinned back. She kinda reminds me of Sammy when she gets excited like that. Actually, maybe more like Bobby since she's usually more stoic. "Yeah, it was pretty cool. Wow, if that's only half speed you must be able to get around the city pretty fast. Took me forever to walk over here from that gate."

"Yes, no sense in footing the cost of a taxi, I'm sure," Mina said, her grin turning teasing. "I heard you terrorized a pair of the city's guard on your way, too. Caught them quite flat-footed, if you will."

Pretty good dad jokes, though. Carl chuckled at the obvious puns. "It was kinda fun at first when they were following me around, but then they turned it into this big scene, and this guy was trying to push me around a little, so I had to get in character. Er, oops." Is there anywhere we can talk about that without ruining it for everyone else? Or maybe like, a non-role-playing zone or something? Trying to be considerate here, but I can't imagine staying in character all the time. Or even getting back into character right now. Still feeling pretty drained.

"I don't think there was any genuine issue," Mina said. "No one was injured or seriously offended."

"Eh, whatever," Carl said absently. It'd serve them right if they lost durability on their armor or whatever after hassling a noob like that. The tutorial thingies were nice at first, but I'm just done now.

"Carl, where are you from, if you don't mind my asking?" Mina sipped her coffee while staring over her cup at him.

"I'm about an hour outside of San Francisco," Carl said. No harm in saying that much.

"I see," Mina said. She took another sip of her coffee, then placed it on the table, her expression suddenly a little bit anxious. "Carl, if you'll excuse me a moment, I'm going to visit the water closet."

"Um, sure," said Carl. They have bathrooms in-game? He took another sip of his coffee, still enjoying the rich flavor.

Mina rose smoothly from her seat and strode towards the rear of the establishment, where a well-carved wooden sign indicated the presence of a toilet.

Carl frowned. I should ask her how people pay for stuff without breaking character when she gets back. No, wait… She pulled out that little pouch from her pocket to pay when we came in here. People really just carry around purses with the actual coins in them? Everything about this game is exhausting. Immersive, yeah, but unbelievably exhausting. Feels almost like having a second job.