All The Time Lost

She felt herself grow weaker against Thomas after that day. She tried to keep her resolve strong but every time her eyes passed over the bracelet she never took off, she felt her heart squeeze painfully.

And yet she couldn't.

June should have known her happiness wouldn't last and yet when she saw her daughter standing in front of her trailer while coming home, she couldn't help the hope from bursting in her soul. She felt like everything was finally clicking into place. That she had finally suffered enough.

« Please, come inside, » she smiled so hard it hurt. « I'll prepare you- »

« How much more do you think I can bear ? » Lizzy cut her off and crossed her arms over her chest.

« What ? » June's shoulders dropped.

« I'm already standing at the edge, » Lizzy went on and June's heart broke at the helpless tears that started falling down her daughter's cheeks.

« Elizabeth… » June stopped herself from reaching out no matter how bad she wanted to.

« I already have to live with the humiliation of being your daughter. I already have to bear people's disgust and distrust because I was unfortunate enough to be born as your daughter, » she said in a tired voice and June would have chosen to be slapped, punched, stabbed, anything but this resignation. « Why can't you leave me alone ? You came back here and fed the hungry gossipers, you forced yourself back into our lives and made us a spectacle to others. And I think I was more than understanding with you. I had to hide in my own house while you came over to have fun, had to share the brother I spent my whole life with with you since you're so desperate for him to come over, had to bear my classmates judgments and harassment and I gritted my teeth through all of it. But it's not enough for you is it ? »

June felt the force of her sob wreck through her body but she didn't dare speak. What could she say ? She had been this selfish. Had hurt her daughter so much. She was so greedy for her son, so hungry for more time, closer to her children that she hadn't thought about the consequences.

« Now you're strolling around with dad like a freak show ? How much more humiliation do you want to put me through ? » June opened her mouth to reassure her, apologize, beg… But nothing came out. « I won't ask you to disappear from my life. I already asked and you refused. » June's stomach dropped as she remembered the only letter she ever received from her daughter. « Keep leeching onto Julian, keep trying to make yourself look human and play mother with him if it makes you happy. But if monsters like you have any pity… If you have any of that maternal instinct you pretend to have… Stay away from dad. »

June nodded wordlessly through the tears that blurred her vision. She was still nodding desperately while her daughter climbed back into her car and drove away. Only then did she allow herself to break down and howled her pain.

Old Joe came over and sat on the wet ground with her. She accepted the bottle he handed over.

—

Thomas frowned at his crying daughter and opened his arms when she ran towards him. He didn't speak and neither did she, simply holding until she had let it all out. It took a while.

« Do you want to talk about it ? » He asked as she slowly pulled away, her face red and puffy. She hesitated before shaking her head in refusal.

But he caught the small hint of guilt in her pretty eyes.

It was almost nothing and hid under layers and layers of anger and resentment but he knew his daughter by heart. And he couldn't shake it off long after she had left. Julian came back and asked what was for dinner and Thomas Realized he had stood still for a long time, lost in thought. He went to cook dinner for his children, an annoying feeling churning at his guts.

« Lizzy's not hungry, » Julian came down and sat across from his father who had no appetite either.

Dinner came and went and Thomas found himself alone and lost in thoughts again, stuck on that hint of guilt in his daughter's eyes. Before he knew it, he was driving to the trailer park.

The ominous feeling grew the whole time until it became full out panic by the time he pulled up and saw June drinking with Old Joe on the ground in front of her trailer.

« June ? » He approached her slowly, afraid any brusque movement would spook her. She rose a flushed head and it took a bit too long for her to focus on him.

« Oh. It's you, » she hiccuped. « I need more alcohol. »

« Here you go Miss January, » Old Joe handed her his own bottle and she drank straight from it.

Thomas frowned and crouched down to look her in the eyes. He took the bottle away, ignoring her loud complaints.

« What are you doing Joe ? » He glared in reproach at the old man sitting beside her.

« She needs it, » Joe shrugged and snatched the bottle back to take a long gulp.

Thomas let him and reached out to June but she slapped his hands away.

« Oh no ! I didn't mean to ! » Her bloodshot eyes widened in panic and she reached out to stroke at the spot she had just hit. « Please don't tell them ! »

« Tell who ? » He asked around a tight throat and let her rub his hands despite not having even felt her slap.

« The police, » she loudly whispered and looked around furtively. « They might take me away again. »

« I won't let them, » Thomas swore but his heart broke at the words.

« You will, » she threw her head back to laugh out loud. « But I don't love you wrong anymore ? Right ? »

« Love me wrong, » he begged in a broken voice and turned his palms up to grab her hands in his. « Please. »

« Tututut ! » June snickered. « I'll be punished if I do. »

« You won't, » he raised her hands to press them against his forehead and shut his eyes tight.

« Getting punished hurts too much, » she shook her head and snickered again, unaware of the crushing remorse wrecking him from inside. « And it's sooooo long. If I go back in, the twins will probably be married and parents by the time I come back out ! Uhuh ! I'm not loving you anymore ! »

« You're killing me, » he muttered brokenly.

« But I don't kill people, » June pouted. « Why does nobody believe me ? »

« Let's get you to bed, » he swallowed around the lump in his throat and reached out to hold her. She was so light he thought as he stood up with her in his arms.

« No ! Let me down ! Joe ! Kick him ! » She shouted but Joe ignored her.

« Don't hurt her, » he warned Thomas one last time before he reached the door.

Thomas couldn't answer, he feared what would come out if he opened his mouth. He carried her inside instead and headed toward the bedroom he knew she kept for Lizzy but she stopped him with a shout.

« NO ! » She kicked her little legs out in protest. « It's Lizzy's room, she doesn't want me inside ! »

Thomas gritted his teeth and turned toward Julian's room instead.

« Julian wants me inside, » June happily chuckled and it fucking tore him open.

Thomas didn't speak as he genlty put her down. She let him take her shoes and socks off but slapped his hands away when he reached for her jeans.

« Please ! I didn't mean to ! » She glared at her hand and slapped it with the other. « Bad hand ! No ! »

Thomas kneeled beside the bed and buried his head in the curve of her abdomen, praying for the strength to go on. He didn't know how long he remained like that but sometimes along she started stroking his head.

« You never felt them kick around in there, » she said softly. «Lizzy never slept. I think she hated being in prison... Maybe that's why she resents me so much...»

It broke him down and for the first time since he learned of her arrestation, Thomas cried. He fucking bawled his eyes out and whined against her abdomen while she patiently stroked his hair.

—

June woke up to the worst headache of her whole life and groaned as her eyes fluttered open and the light burned her retina. There was an awful taste in her mouth and she felt herself grow nauseous. Her tongue felt all wrong and her skin all itchy. She looked down in confusion and saw she was still dressed. She slowly sat up, mindful of her upset stomach and frowned when she recognised Julian's room. What was she doing here ?

She slowly got up and went to the bathroom. She took her time to avoid throwing up and brushed her teeth thoroughly. She was never drinking again she promised herself as her memories stopped after the second bottle. Thank God, only Joe had witnessed her in this state.

The smell of food reached her nose and she found herself instinctively heading to the kitchen, thinking she had imagined it but deciding she would cook to ease her growling stomach.

June froze at the sight greeting her in the kitchen.

« Sit down, » Thomas smiled at her and gestured to the plate he had filled with fried eggs and toast before turning back to the bacon grilling in a pan.

She obeyed. Her head was still heavy and she had never been more exhausted in her life, she couldn't fight him right now.

He turned the fire off and came to sit across from her but he didn't eat. He stared down at her while she focused on bringing food into her mouth and fought to keep her mind empty. Her daughter's words tried to slip back in but she focused on the burning food.

« Ju- » Thomas finally started after a long while and reached out for her hand but she pulled back fast.

« No, » she stopped him but still wouldn't meet his eyes.

« I- »

« Not now, » she shook her head and gulped as she felt new tears rise. « I can't. »

Thomas became silent and allowed her to finish her meal in peace while she made a show of forcing it down her throat.

« I'll be back later, » he spoke up when she got up and headed to the bathroom.

June didn't react and walked on. She was already crying by the time the hot water hit her.

The day passed by slowly while she tried to keep herself busy. She worked on the frozen garden, cleaned the twins's rooms, emptied the cupboard and reorganized everything. And yet, she couldn't keep her mind empty. Elizabeth's face haunted her.

By the time Thomas's car pulled up, she had long given up and was sitting on the sofa, staring ahead in thoughts. He let himself in and came to sit beside her. She didn't react as he put food on the table, the smell of caramelised duck and fried rice strong in the air.

« I picked all your favorites. »

« Where are the children ? » She ignored the plate he handed her.

« They're not children anymore, » he corrected her softly and she felt it sharply in her guts. « They're at home. Julian convinced Lizzy to watch a movie together. »

« You should be there. With them. »

« You too, » he countered firmly. June shook her head and looked down at the beautiful bracelet she was too shameless to take off. « Talk to me, love. »

« What would it take to get you to forget me ? » She finally turned to him with desperate eyes.

« I can't, » a muscle twitched in his jaw as he looked down at her.

« You have to, » she insisted.

Thomas's large, warm hands came up to hold her face on both side and he forced her still to keep her eyes in his.

« I can't, » he repeated and his voice sounded like a dooming bell to June. « I haven't stopped thinking about you for the past two decades. I go to sleep with half of my soul missing and wake up aching for you. I burn for you. I- »

June snapped at his words.

Alright, he had won.

She pushed him back and straddled his thighs. His eyes widened in shock but she didn't give him time to collect before lunging. She kissed him desperately, angrily. He quickly adapted though and his big hands came to wrap around her hips and held her tight, as if afraid she might leave.

« Let's do this, » June pulled out and breathed heavily. She stared into Thomas' hopeful eyes, looked down at the stretching smile and braced herself. « I can do this. It's just sex. »

« What ? » Thomas's face fell and her heart broke a little at the vulnerable confusion she read in his beautiful eyes.

« You want me. You're confused. It's not love, » June caressed his face with a shaking hand. « But we're adults now. We're parents. »

« June, » she felt him grit his teeth under her palm and his hands tighten around her waist.

« We have to think about our children, » she leaned forward to press her forehead against his. « I can give you this if you want, » she whispered brokenly. « But I can't allow you to hurt my children. »

—

Thomas's heart broke in his chest and the shards punctured his lungs with every breath he took. He forgot how to breath but his treacherous body responded to June's touch.

He wanted to roar, to shake her, to tie her up and bring her home. To sit his daughter down and make her see how incredible of a person her mother was, how better she deserved. Beg his daughter and June to understand that he couldn't pretend anymore, he couldn't go on without her.

He should have pushed her away, made her understand that it wasn't enough. It wasn't what he wanted.

But Thomas was a weak man. He had been walking around the desert, parched and starved, for so long. And now that he finally found his oasis… He couldn't refuse.

« Let's do this, » June nodded but it sounded like she was speaking to herself. « I'll give you everything you want. » Thomas's hard body stood up at the magic words. « But promise me you'll stop everything else. »

« June… » He groaned in need, his determination crumbling as she ground her hips down and he saw stars.

« No more gifts. No more coming over to eat. No more flowers, » she enumerated. « You don't know me in public. » Thomas tried to hold onto some modicum of control but she made it impossible. She leaned forward and her lips barely brushed against his. « Do you agree to the terms ? » Thomas growled and leaned forward but she pushed him back. « Do you ? »

« I do, » Thomas cursed before pouncing on her.

He was too far gone. He needed her to much. He'd take whatever she would give.

They kissed as if they were fighting. It was violent, wet and angry. June resented him for pushing her to a corner. He resented June for forcing him into accepting this deal.

And yet, he hadn't felt such pleasure since they took her away from him.

Thomas pushed up against her and swallowed her moans, feeling himself unravel at all the informations assaulting his senses. He got drunk on her taste, on her smell, on her sounds. He turned them around until she was lying under him and sat up to rip his shirt off before diving back down to devour her. He reached for her jumper but she startled and stopped his hands with her own. Thomas hated the panicked look on her face but he didn't let go. He couldn't.

« You agreed, » he reminded her softly. Hating how this was happening. He never wanted it to go like that.

« Yes… » June gulped and she looked so small and frightened under him that he almost reconsidered. « Turn the lights off. Please. »

Thomas wanted to refuse. He wanted all of her. She couldn't hide from him. But he felt her trembling under him, looked at her wide, pleading eyes. He got up and turned the lights off.

He took his time then. It was raining outside and the moon was obscured by dark clouds but the bit of moonlight that shone through was enough for him to see. His nostrils flared and his abdomen tightened as he took her in.

She was beautiful, fuck she was beautiful. But her soft skin was littered with scars. He gulped and softly ran his fingertips across the edge of one near her ombilic. He recognised it as a stab wound. She shuddered under his touch and he took his time mapping her out, reacquainting himself to her new body.

June was silent, her heavy, uneven breath the only sound as he slowly, reverently took her clothes off until she laid bare under him. Glorious and perfect. She trembled and squeezed her eyes shut tight to avoid his own. Thomas swallowed his fury and leant down to kiss her, pouring all his love over her. And as she slowly softened in his arms, he started believing that it might all be alright.

He could do this. Could heal her like this. Slowly. Take his time. Allow her to get used to him again. Gain her trust back.

He found a strong determination burning his in guts as he watched her arch back and shout in pleasure under him. He took his time, ate up her pleas and brought her over the edge again and again and again. Until she sobbed in aching need.

« Look at me, » he ordered softly as he put his hard, leaking cock against her entrance. She met his eyes with her own tearful own and he didn't let it go as he slowly thrusted inside.

She was so damn tight and hot. He groaned and struggled over his control, slowly easing himself in, mindful of her comfort. And when he sat fully inside, he kissed her again, swallowed her and promised himself he'd never let her go again.

—

June fidgeted under the doctor's curious eyes.

He was much too professional to pick at her personal life despite their long standing almost friendship. And she had never been as grateful to the man as she was now as he wordlessly prescribed her the pill.

« I'm no curious cat, but I'm happy you're finally allowing yourself to live, » Dr Erting sent her a warm smile and for a second she feared he wanted to ask about who she was allowing it with. « But don't forget to be careful. Don't hesitate to ask for a health record before taking any risk. »

June nodded and swallowed around her discomfort. He didn't say anymore as he handed her the prescription and she hurriedly left. It was still early and mostly calm but she had no wish to cross path with anyone at the gynecologist's practice.

"Sorry !" She apologised as she ran into someone in her hurry.

"It's okay. I didn't watch-" The beautiful woman's smile froze as her eyes met June's and though June didn't recognise her, she was certain the woman had.

"Mrs Erting ?" Another voice cut into the tense silence and June's heart skipped a bit as she turned to the third person.

The gorgeous brunette in doctor's scrubs... she could never forget her. She had pushed her around in school, mocked her at every turn, laughed along with Kelly at her tears.

June recognised Jenny Clark immediately. Kelly's best friend.

She gulped around the lump in her throat, frozen under Jenny's shocked stare. The female doctor seemed to struggle with something and opened her mouth to speak when the office June's had just left opened.

«Hey, love,» he greeted the unfamiliar woman June had bumped into.

It was just the distraction she needed. June ran out of there without wasting another second.

She went home and sat at the counter to stare at the medications box.

They had been too reckless.

June pulled at her hair in annoyance with herself and scolded herself for being so stupid. She had been too far gone to remind him to pull out. It had been too good and so… intense, that she even found herself craving the feeling of him spending inside again after so long. It was crazy. And so stupid.

And then next time, he straight out refused to put a condom on. June had been so embarrassed as she handed the cashier the box at the drugstore. Had avoided the young woman's knowing eyes while she scanned the box of extra large condoms. And yet, Thomas had barely taken the time to glare down at it before tossing it over his shoulder.

He had agreed to pull out though.

But she couldn't allow herself te be so careless. Thomas was like a beast in rut and she herself was barely better.

« Hey mom ! » Julian popped out of his room and June rushed to hide the pills.

« H-hey ! » She greeted back breathlessly and quickly hid the box in her pocket. Julian looked down at it in suspicion but didn't say anything.

« I'm heading to the theater. Liz and dad are already there. Sure you're not coming ? » Julian paused by the front door.

« Positive, » June relaxed and smiled at her son. « Have fun. »

June didn't regret her decision. She regretted not thinking about it much earlier to avoid her daughter any unnecessary pain. It had only been two weeks and she already saw the difference. Now that Thomas wasn't showing her any attention anymore, her daughter relaxed and she got to see what the small family had always been like. They went out together regularly and since Lizzy's mood lightened upon seeing that June had listened to her, she grew back closer to Julian.

Things were great.

She enjoyed time with her son, had a job, a friend, a hobby. She was stable financially and emotionally. Her panic attacks lessened and the nightmares almost stopped. She was in a great place.

Even her arrangement with Thomas turned out well for her.

If her silly heart had trouble separating lust from love, it was alright, because she kept it to herself and when Thomas held her, he didn't need to know what went through her heart. The sexual release also did wonder for her mood and she felt like a huge burden had fallen from her shoulders. She felt ten years younger at least.

Thomas's appetite was insatiable though. Every night Julian wasn't there, he showed up without fail. And he wouldn't leave until the sun came up and she threw him out before they got caught.

She could ignore the look he sometimes sent her when they laid down naked on the sofa. He would caress her bare skin softly and though he remained silent, his eyes told a lot. June didn't try to read in them.