Zeroth Moment: My Cheat Skill Is Stupid, So I'll Just Ignore It

There is only so long that one can wallow in depression and self-pity while pretending to study a tome full of magic; Topher's dedication to the art of grumposity was better than most, so he made it nearly a full quarter of an hour before getting distracted and actually doing some research for real. He spent a few minutes tugging at the threads of the high-Level spells he'd gotten from Vashyarl's spellbook in a desultory fashion, then switched to some pure mathematical noodling on some concepts that had been stumping him of late; he made progress on a variation of Rosh which cut his calculation time in half, came up with a (he felt) rather clever hack on cross-factoring runes within the same cluster that allowed several common factors to cancel each other out when performing translations to their oppositions, and was just starting to consider poking at Alter Self or Dimensional Hop when he found himself staring at a particular rune he'd drawn, long ago, for his first attempts at Mage Hand. He chuckled for a moment, noting how sloppy it was and how poorly he'd understood the way it all worked back then. And to think, the C-Rankers figured this out in the first day of class.

Yeah, but how many of them reattached their own severed limbs and defeated a thousand-year-old dragon, countered the distant part of his mind. When you dropped the Magic Stones a few minutes ago, you busted out a variant of this spell without even thinking about it. The only other spells you can cast that fast are Conjure Shield and Feather Fall, and you never even try to modify those. Maybe that's the sort of stuff we should be thinking about, rather than bemoaning how bad we suck. Topher scowled, wondering when his inner monologue had turned into such a Pollyanna, but couldn't argue with the logic; he sighed and turned to a new page (one of several hundred unused at this point) and began breaking down the differences between his original Mage Hand spell, the Telekinesis variant he'd figured out in Wanbourne, and the new one he'd just invented on the fly (which incorporated some elements from his Conjure Light work to hard-link the caster's intent to the object motion, rather than their attention span). About halfway through, he started noticing some common similarities with what he'd done to create his first Wyrd, and got lost in those for several minutes; after eliminating a lot of duplication and cancelling everything out that wasn't relevant to the spell's core principles, he found himself staring at an equation:

mn / pow = inv(√dist)

Frowning, he shuffled it around a little, and got mn = distn x pow; this gave him the now-familiar Weird Brain Tingle which told him he was on to something, and he started poking around with various components of the equation in a purely exploratory manner. He'd gotten as far as pow = rc(m x t) when he heard some crunching sounds behind him; he whirled, alert for more danger, but it turned out to just be Hana and Rudo returning from their scouting patrol (and also Zanasha eating the firewyrm's scales, which he didn't take much notice of). Relaxing, he let out the breath he'd gasped in in fright, and gave a tired wave. "Hey. How'd it go?"

Hana nodded, still holding her glowing sword. "It was... most interesting, Bailey-sama. We were attacked by several creatures, but managed to defeat them; the monsters here seem a little weaker than those in the lower levels of the dungeon." She tossed her beautiful hair, looking over at Rudo. "As to what we found..."

The older man nodded in turn, looking back to Topher. "The place is quite desolate, Mister Bailey. We saw no structures or landmarks of note, other than natural features, but I am wary; the building we exited from, here, is almost invisible from more than a hundred yards away."

Topher turned, frowning, and looked at the dungeon exit for a moment before realizing that Rudo wasn't kidding; the fact that it was built into the side of a small hillock of volcanic stone made it blend in from every direction except directly in front, and even that was obscured by the caldera of the ash cone opposing it; it'd be almost impossible to see unless you were right on top of it, I guess. He nodded back to Rudo. "Makes sense. There could be other hidden exits."

"I would count it plausible, Friend Topher," said Zanasha, pulling another scale out of her mouth. "If there are as many ways to reach this place as the tales of my people suggest, the exits might all be as well-hidden as this one."

Topher nodded, then scowled. "Why are you eating those, anyway? Can you, like, gain some of the wyrm's power?"

The half-orc shook her head, eyes alight. "They are simply delicious. Most things I can eat -- rocks, daggers, bricks -- taste as you would expect, but occasionally I find something unique. These taste like very salty fried fish skins, but with a flavor closer to that of a fowl."

Topher nodded. Like chicken cracklins. A surge of jealousy surged through him -- it had been a long time since he'd had something to eat anywhere near as good as the food back home -- but it was curiously muted, as though something was suppressing his appetite. Probably the Stone of Sustenance, he thought to himself, then turned his attention back to the topic at hand. "So, we can handle the monsters here, but we still don't have a clear direction. What now, then?"

Rudo shrugged. "I have no further counsel. The darkness makes surveying the land difficult; if the light becomes brighter, we may have more success. But I do not know if it is night or day here, or even if such things occur in the Lava Mountains."

Topher frowned, banishing his Ledger. "We could wait here, I guess, but if there are any more assassins on our trail, sitting right by the door isn't a good idea. Maybe we should just walk in a random direction until we find something more defensible, then rest there?"

Hana and Rudo nodded, and Zanasha gave an approving thumbs-up as well. Topher pursed his lips and nodded too. "Alright then. Let's get moving, I guess." Groaning slightly (even though getting up hurt less than it used to), he levered himself to his feet and gathered his courage around him like his old bathrobe. "Lead on."

Zanasha easily lofted the corpse of the firewyrm and tipped it into a nearby lava pool, where it sat conspicuously atop the surface without sinking at all; she shrugged and moved on. Following Rudo, they trekked for several hours, making many switchbacks and loops in the darkness; Topher held his Stylus ready, alert for any more attacks, but they seemed to have subsided for now. Eventually, after what felt like an eternity, Rudo led them into a truncated gully along the path of a river of lava; here, a long-dried flow had branched off and then cooled, producing a wide and flat area sheltered by the overhang of the banks on either side. With relief, they tumbled to the ground to rest; Topher set up his bedroll and Hana set up her tent while Zanasha used her Sentinel Skill to stand guard; Rudo simply tucked his arms under his head, lay back on the rough stone, and began snoring in less than two seconds. Fucker, thought Topher uncharitably, but he was too tired to muster much resentment; instead, he simply hoped he wouldn't get eaten or cooked in his sleep, and drifted off almost immediately.

When he awoke, several more hours later, the distant horizon was beginning to brighten; he groaned, fishing around for his glasses, then fixed the distant glow limning the mountains around him with an irritable glare. Wouldn't have killed you to give me another hour.

With a sigh, he began shuffling around to get his things in order; for the millionth time, he wished he had a Magic Bath spell. Remove Fatigue did a lot, but it couldn't remove the stink, sweat, dirt, or blood from your skin or clothes, which was a recipe for itching in very short order. He Summoned some water, drank a little (even though his body didn't really seem to need it), and then poured the rest over his head; it wasn't exactly a shower, but it was better than nothing. Dripping very slightly, he summoned three more carafes (made of dwarfmeal, naturally) and set one by Rudo's slumbering head and another by the entrance to Hana's tent. The fourth he carried over to Zanasha, who accepted it with stoic gratitude; she sipped it sparingly as she stared out over the darkened volcanic hills. "My thanks, Friend Topher." She paused, then continued on. "I am sorry if I spoke out of turn yesterday."

Topher shook his head, too tired to dissemble. "You didn't say anything wrong. I wish it was easier." I wish I could tell you how I really felt. "I'm not good at accepting help. But I'll keep trying." It wasn't much -- the barest hint of an acknowledgement in the direction of an apology for a wrong he couldn't name and didn't understand -- but the half-orc seemed to accept it. "Do you want to grab some sleep before the light gets too bright?"

The half-orc shook her head. "We must make good use of the daylight. I will be fine."

"All right." Topher shook his head in mock sadness, then cast Remove Fatigue on her; her eyes widened slightly, then softened in gratitude, but she said nothing. Topher kept casting, putting a Protection from Heat spell on her, then paused. If this is a hot biome, some of the monsters here might be resistant to heat. And some other monsters might attack with cold as a predatory tactic. He put a Protection from Cold on her as well, then repeated the practice on himself, Rudo, and Hana when she awoke; it cost him 20 MP, but he felt like it was well-spent. Finally, he cast his Arch Shielding spell on himself, then inspected his Status.

Name:

Christopher Bailey

Level:

40

Class:

Clerk

HP:

122/122

MP:

172/210

SP:

40/40

Strength:

Rank D

Dexterity:

Rank F

Constitution:

Rank C

Intelligence:

Rank D

Wisdom:

Rank D

Charisma:

Rank F

Skills:

Literacy (Rank D)

Mathematics (Rank B)

Cooking (Rank F)

Customer Service (Rank D)

Data Entry and Filing (Rank B)

Packaging and Shipping (Rank D)

Home Appliance Repair (Rank F)

Pen Spinning (Rank A)

[Disease Resistance (Rank C)]

[Poison Resistance (Rank C)]

[Obscure Location (Rank C)]

[Nondetection (Rank C)]

Special Skills:

Disrupt Illusion

Conjure Shield (Rank C)

Conjure Light (Rank C)

Improved Status

Summon Ledger

Remove Fatigue (Rank D)

Minor Sorcery (Rank C)

Summon Stylus

Sanctuary (Rank F)

Detect Status

Metaphrasty (Rank D)

Encrypt Document

Authenticate Document

[Pass Without Trace (Rank C)]

[Elemental Resistance (Rank C)]

[Damage Resistance (Rank C)]

[Status Resistance (Rank C)]

[Improved Mana (Rank D)]

Unique Skill:

Attract Object

Level 40? Off just that dragon-thing that I didn't even hit? Topher frowned, then inspected his Status thoroughly for the first time in a while; Encrypt Document? Authenticate Document? How the hell do I do those? I don't even have a document to test with. He thought about using his Ledger, but decided against it; the absence of a Decrypt Document ability meant that he might just lock himself out of his own spellbook, which would be pretty awful. He guessed that he might be able to Authenticate it, though; holding it aloft in the least ridiculous pose he could manage, he exerted his will in that strange, ineffable way that he used to activate his Class powers. Instantly, a Status window appeared before him:

Christopher Bailey's Ledger

Author:

Christopher Bailey

Created:

91 Days Ago

Last Updated:

1 Day Ago

Huh. That doesn't seem right, and yet... He pursed his lips, frowning, but couldn't contradict it. Three months. I've only been a Clerk for three months. Feels like a goddamn lifetime. Still, as was typical for his Clerk powers, it seemed pretty useless; he also couldn't figure out any way that Encrypt Document would be useful, either, but he figured he could experiment with it later once he had something useful to practice with. One problem at a time.

As Rudo began cooking breakfast for everyone, he cracked open his Ledger again and continued experimenting with the equations from the previous day; something about that pow = rc(m x t) had been turning over and over in his brain all night, and he kept poking at it and reconfiguring it in different ways trying to figure out what was bugging him about it. After a lot of faffing about, he got it into the simplest form he could imagine, pow = m x (change(v) / change(t)), which was still pretty much the same as the previous equation but seemed weirdly important to him for some reason. He hunched over the page, squinting --

"It's supposed to be F = ma," piped up Hana from behind him, looking over his shoulder. "Force equals mass times acceleration."