Zeroth Moment: My Cheat Skill Is Stupid, So I'll Just Ignore It

The mansion was ostentatious to a degree that beggared Topher's imagination. The main building was formed of white walls of solid marble, easily fifty feet high, and studded a razor-precise accoutrement of gold-framed windows filled with shimmering glass. Huge, pristine columns framed the massive door at the front, surrounded by twin wings that had to hold at least thirty rooms (and it was probably closer to fifty). A shining blue fountain that could easily have doubled as a swimming pool surrounded a paved (not graveled!) walkway, and the entire thing was encircled by both a giant hedge and a massive stone wall and gate. It was also at the top of a large hill, which was chief among Topher's current concerns.

"Couldn't this guy... live... in the main part of town?" Topher puffed, staggering behind the others as they made their way up the path to the estate. He ached to cast Remove Fatigue, but stubbornly refused in what he felt was probably an ill-conceived effort to work on his endurance. Great for my health, unless I have a coronary, he thought to himself sourly. Topher the Level 27 Mage, Killed By Taking A Walk.

"Bailey-san, it is important we give no offense to this man," repeated Hana for the fourth time. "He is very wealthy, and may grow upset if we are impolite."

"Hana-chan," murmured Zanasha reprovingly.

Hana whirled, fists clenched, then relaxed and looked crestfallen. "I know. I'm sorry."

"Relax... kid," Topher wheezed. He held up a hand for a pause, took a few deep breaths, and steadied himself. "I know you're nervous. Shit, I'd be nervous too, if it was my first mission for a secret underground organization. But take it easy, okay? Uncle Topher the Ugly American is gonna keep his mouth shut, I promise."

Hana's hands went to her mouth, and she bowed quickly. "I'm so sorry, Bailey-san! I didn't mean to imply that you were --"

"A crochety old asshole. I am. Let's just accept it and move on," interrupted Topher tiredly. He looked around at the hills surrounding them, each one dotted with a near-identical copy of the mansion before them. "Did these guys get a package deal, or something?"

"Your reference escapes me," Zanasha responded, cocking her head. "What is that?"

Topher waved around vaguely. "The mansions all look almost the same. The buildings in the city all look almost the same. All the loaves of bread in every bakery --"

"Look the same, yes," acknowledged Hana. "But Bailey-san, this is Zee's world. To her, it is as normal as all water in our world being made of hydrogen and oxygen."

Topher blinked. "What the sh... I mean, what? They're all like that?"

Zanasha looked shy, and Topher wanted to kill himself. "I do not understand it myself, but... to hear Hana-chan's stories, in your world, each loaf of bread would be significantly different in most cases, even if made by a machine to identical specifications. My world is not that way, Friend Topher. I know it must seem strange to you."

Topher sighed, and ran his hands frustratedly through his hair. "Not any stranger than reappearing chickens, I guess."

Hana resumed walking, her hair fluttering beautifully in the light breeze. "I think we would be equally confused, Bailey-san, if we went to a world where every apple was a different shape -- some round, some square, some inside-out -- and other people accepted that as normal."

"Maybe," grunted Topher. "Sorry I'm not more culturally open-minded."

"I feel that you do well enough," Zanasha murmured. Topher sighed, but didn't argue.

After a final slog, they reached the top of the hill, and the terrain leveled out; making their way through the open gates of what appeared to be twenty-four karat gold, the three of them crossed the massive open walkway and approached the towering door. Hana opened her mouth to say something, but Topher just shook his head and mimed zipping his lips shut, and Hana blushed and bowed again before pressing a discreet button next to the doorway. Deep within the mansion, a quiet chime sounded.

After a few moments, the door opened smoothly and silently, revealing the form of an immaculately suited butler with red eyes and very small horns. A Lux Persona, Topher remembered with a slight shock. Is this guy a spellcaster? "May I help you?" the butler intoned officiously.

Hana held up her badge, trembling only slightly. "I am here to speak with Waymaster Borgura. We are expected."

The butler sniffed, then turned and beckoned for them to enter. The interior of the building was, if anything, even more lavish than the outside; plush red carpets that felt like clouds beneath Topher's feet, gold-inlaid marble tables and gilt-edged paintings, and ridiculously vast hallways that seemed to lead tremendous distances for no reason at all. All this wasted space, Topher thought sourly. Every room way too big, every building just as big to contain the stupid rooms -- just like the castle, and the dungeon, and all the streets. Every inhabitant of this stupid magic world probably has claustrophobia by this point.

After what Topher felt to be an unnecessarily long walk, they were shown to a small (by the standards of the house's geometry, which still meant a room one could play a game of squash in) antechamber and directed to occupy a set of sumptuously luxurious seats. "The master will call you to enter his chambers at his convenience," harrumphed the butler, then turned and strode out of the room before anyone could protest. Topher grimaced, but didn't bother complaining; he was used to practically being spat on by anyone who wasn't another F-Ranker at this point, and imagined the other two felt similarly. Not that I know for sure that Zanasha's F-Rank, he mused, but if most people are, it's probably a safe assumption. From the next room, he could hear two low voices engaged in a spirited discussion that sounded like it was a couple of minutes from graduating into an argument. Sighing, he wiggled deeper into the plush cushions of his chair and closed his eyes; if he had to wait, he might as well get a nap in.

Then a sound emerged from the other room that froze his blood in his veins.

It was a wet sort of twisting and squeezing sound, like a tightly-encased sausage of thick meat being wrestled into a box two sizes too small. His pulse instantly skyrocketed, and his skin broke out in a cold sweat as his eyes snapped open. "Zom Voq Gadiph Eht", he gasped without thinking, then sprang up out of his chair, his Stylus in his hand and spinning as his skin-tight Mage Shield formed around him. "Watch out. There's something..."

To his surprise, Hana was already in motion, moving even faster than he or Zanasha; drawing her Flux Blade, she kicked in the door with a force that surprised Topher. Definitely not F-Rank Strength, the distant part of his mind noted coolly, but the rest of his brain was a messy heap of confusion and terror at what he glimpsed beyond.

A clean-shaven, elegantly coiffed man in a long purple robe -- Waymaster Borgura, Topher supposed -- was staring open-mouthed at Hana with an expression of shock on his face from the left side of the room. Opposing him was a towering creature that Topher's mind could only perceive in pieces; a pair of huge thick hooves the size of rain barrels supported two tree-trunk legs covered with mottled dark brown fur, which melded into a muscular torso and a pair of bulging, clawed arms. Atop the creature's neck, a great goat's head with curling horns sat, its oval-pupiled eyes rolling wildly as they swiveled back towards the robed man.

"BETRAYER!" boomed the creature, in a voice so loud it hurt Topher's ears; he managed to resist the urge to clap his hands over them, but only by remembering he was holding his Stylus. Before could move (or indeed, even think), the creature wheeled and brought its great fist down on the robed man in a fury.

The devastation was unimaginable.

The blow did not merely reduce the man to paste; it atomized him, rendering his bones into dust and exploding his corpse with a force so intense that the shockwave disintegrated the walls and ceiling, as well as every other solid object for a hundred yards in every direction. In the split second before it hit them, Topher had just barely enough presence of mind to snap his Stylus down and choke out "Zom Voq!" while cogitating the Priest Shield of Faith visualization.

In the precise moment the staticky gray shield interposed itself between the three of them and the creature, the shockwave struck it and obliterated it; the impact bowled Topher off his feet and threw him into (and through) the rear wall of the antechamber and several other walls in rapid succession; Topher barely caught a glimpse of Zanasha, her form shimmering through the heat of her Last Stand skill, diving to protect Hana, before the roiling debris obscured his vision. He tumbled over and over, feeling impacts glance off his Conjured armor, before sliding to a stop at the end of a dirt furrow easily twenty yards in length.

Shakily, he staggered to his feet; his whole body was surging with adrenaline, and memories of smoke and dizzying heights were choking his brain. To his right, he saw Hana and Zanasha emerging out from under a pile of rubble; the two women appeared bruised and disheveled, but alive and mobile, which was more than he'd expected. That wand-boosted Shield must have blocked a ton of damage, he thought in amazement. Then his guts twisted in fear as the creature bounded out of the rubble of the manor and landed in front of them with a bone-shaking crash; growling, it raised its head and stared at the three of them with its insane, goatish eyes. "HUMANS," it bellowed, its voice thick with hatred. "DIE, HUMANS!"

Cursing, Topher spun his Stylus again, throwing up another Shield before them; but this time, the creature attacked with a sweep of its arm, spawning an arc of hellfire motes the size of soccer balls. Each of them swerved and streaked through the air with the speed of a swift arrow, jetting around Topher's Shield entirely and lancing inwards to explode with cataclysmic force where they were standing; but Topher quick-stepped nearer to Hana and Zanasha and snapped out a spherical Mage Shield that covered all three of them.

This did not turn out to be the smartest of moves; as had happened when Topher had been caught inside Oguro's own Mage Shield, the blast damage was transmuted directly into kinetic force and launched Topher's sphere backwards with incredible velocity. For a second, everything was a blur of motion; when he could see again, he looked down to realize that they were airborne, and streaking backwards at something that was probably a pretty respectable percentage of the speed of sound. We'll die, his mind gibbered. We'll explode like that dude back there when we hit the ground.

If only you had some kind of spell that protected you from falling, the distant part of his mind observed dryly. Topher mentally kicked himself, then grabbed hold of Zanasha's waist. "Hang on to Hana!" he shouted, but he couldn't be sure she'd heard him; he'd just have to chance it. "Bwin Ish!" he bit out, gritting his teeth as his Mage Shield dissolved and a blast of howling wind tore into them as they lost their protection against the atmosphere they were hurtling through.

For a moment, nothing happened, and he thought they were all dead; but slowly, the magic of the spell took hold, slowing their vertical (and even their horizontal) motion by leisurely degrees until they were drifting gently downward through the air like dandelion seeds. In the distance (probably a half-mile away) at this point, he could see the goat-headed creature laying waste to Orvale; each strike the creature made annihilated buildings, shattered whole streets, and set entire blocks aflame with might and sorcery. "Jesus Christ," Topher gasped as they landed heavily upon a hill outside the city, "what the hell was that thing?!"

"A Capras," answered Zanasha grimly. "The weakest of the Demon Lord's foot soldiers."

Topher's mouth dropped open. Oh, fuck me running.